still mostly depressed. Its kind of unnerving when the stress I am under isn't causing me to act out or search for a distraction. I am walking thru this step by step and usually would be very manic, all over the place by now. I am amazingly calm (before the storm??) and that is not like me.
So I am either making progress with all I have been doing or I have found a new "place to hide" so to speak.

[johnthorne1539]

Holy cats am I have a hypomanic day. Most of it has been great, super productive; earned some much-needed cash. But as the day is winding down I'm finding myself more or less repulsed by my own actions throughout the day, on reflection. Like I'm some sort of effin' try-hard.

I've also only had one cigarette in the last three days, and four in the last four days. That's a good thing... but I have noticed that I tend to be a generally more irritable person when I'm not smoking.

Oh well, as long as I'm feeling this good, I might as well do some more pushups and crunches, right?

[otaku1992]

I've been pretty hyper/manic all day today. Only got irritated once and it was an actual reason, yay! I was irritated almost all day yesterday, so today was pretty good, I think.

[Margolomania]

Today started out ok, until a conversation with an ex who is also a friend brought me spiraling down.

I hate this. I wish I could deal with stress like a normal effing person. I'm so confused and I'm scared. I feel a lot of guilt because I've hurt this person a lot while we were together, and even then, he still tries to be my friend. But I continue to hurt him. I feel like anyone who loves me enough to stay will just get hurt over and over again. And that makes me feel like I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Why would I want to bring a lot of hurt into another person's life?

Whatever. All of this is meaningless anyway. Hooray for such a whiny and stupid post.

[comicgeek007]

1 am and I don't feel tired. Not much to do. Might spend the whole night up playing league of legends. left my phone at a friend's house....

[otaku1992]

Originally Posted by Margolomania

I hate this. I wish I could deal with stress like a normal effing person. I'm so confused and I'm scared. I feel a lot of guilt because I've hurt this person a lot while we were together, and even then, he still tries to be my friend. But I continue to hurt him. I feel like anyone who loves me enough to stay will just get hurt over and over again. And that makes me feel like I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Why would I want to bring a lot of hurt into another person's life?

I know exactly how you feel. I end up hurting my boyfriend almost everyday. I'll get mad and start yelling at him for absolutely no reason and he just takes it because he loves me and uggghhhh I hate myself every time it happens.

Seriously, you're not alone with the guilt and feeling awful about hurting somebody who cares about you.

[Mollywisk]

Can't sleep; wide awake.

I had a period of time where I was only sleeping 4-6 hours a day, and not all at one time.
Now I am in a period where I want to sleep all the time. The depression is ever present and unrelenting.

[wildflowerchild25]

totally high today. agitated to the max. supposed to go to program but i'm not sure i want to go. i need to sleep off my sleeping drugs but at least i had the best night's sleep ever last night.

[TippPatt]

30 to 45 minutes before I have to leave for the 'BIG' hearing on my disability claim. I frankly have no idea what to expect at this point. All I'll be able to do is try to relay what my daily life is like, as pitiful as that is.

I'm afraid that today I'll have to set my pride aside and simply tell this man the way it is for me in my world. And then, I wait. Waiting isn't a good thing for the paranoid. I bet I come up with the most outlandish reasons invented by man as to why the judge would turn me down. Nothing I will be able to counter, mind you, as his reasoning will be etched in stone.

Have I said I feel like a lamb being lead to slaughter? Well, I do. And, what's worse is that I'm willing to make the trip to the slaughter house in the first place.

Here's hoping I actually end up where I'm supposed to end up and I don't get lost along the way - which is something I usually do, get lost that is - I'm scared sheetless. That's a given. And, on the other side of the coin, I'm simply waiting for the moment when I open the door and begin the trek to my doom.

I've always wondered what this day would 'feel' like. Now I know. The best word for me to use is surreal. Absolutely surreal.

Originally Posted by TippPatt

30 to 45 minutes before I have to leave for the 'BIG' hearing on my disability claim. I frankly have no idea what to expect at this point. All I'll be able to do is try to relay what my daily life is like, as pitiful as that is.

I'm afraid that today I'll have to set my pride aside and simply tell this man the way it is for me in my world. And then, I wait. Waiting isn't a good thing for the paranoid. I bet I come up with the most outlandish reasons invented by man as to why the judge would turn me down. Nothing I will be able to counter, mind you, as his reasoning will be etched in stone.

Have I said I feel like a lamb being lead to slaughter? Well, I do. And, what's worse is that I'm willing to make the trip to the slaughter house in the first place.

Here's hoping I actually end up where I'm supposed to end up and I don't get lost along the way - which is something I usually do, get lost that is - I'm scared sheetless. That's a given. And, on the other side of the coin, I'm simply waiting for the moment when I open the door and begin the trek to my doom.

I've always wondered what this day would 'feel' like. Now I know. The best word for me to use is surreal. Absolutely surreal.

Good luck at your hearing TippPatt!

Today so far I'm feeling okay. I'm hopeful positive emotions will continue. Tonight I start 100 mg lamictal - - I've been waiting patiently for stability. I've been trying so hard to challenge my negative thinking when it comes up.

I get real down on myself when I'm stuck in bed with fatigue in the afternoons. I try to challenge that too. I know I'm a good, hardworking person who will prevail over this instability in time. I've had such stability in the past, and I can have that again. I DESERVE that again (and so does my husband).

OK here goes.
I am in that place where I go from really depressed/sad to just like normal or ok. Not so much ok, but just not depressed. Then a while later I want to cry...and I mean weep, moan, wail...and all I get are blurry eyes, couple of tears fall, I wipe them, and then its back to the ok part.
This crap is for the birds! I just can't take the cycling stuff.

[A Red Panda]

Dude... that's totally where I am. Teary to okish and back to teary.

Since I'm on vacation I do get moments where I'm good, but that's because I'm fully distracted by whatever I'm doing!

[deelooted]

Today feeling a little bit better, but a lot more motivated and not so detached. The Ativan .5mg my pdoc called in is doing the trick. I have difficulty still in accepting the fact that my brain is messed up and needs all these meds to keep it in a better state, and not necessarily a normal one

Trying not to complain, trying to stay positive! Hope everyone else is feeling good

yeah, it seems a lot of times the whole point of this is to learn to take it with grace.

[comicgeek007]

I feel so freaking awesome right now. Didn't need hardly any sleep last night but I feel more awake than ever. Food doesn't scare me. Nothing scares me. I had freaking sushi for breakfast because I could. And before that I did a sewing marathon and almost finished my boyfriend's little sister's Halloween costume.

Fck yeah!!

[comicgeek007]

I need to like, write on my forehead a reminder to take my meds. With how I've been feeling combined with new schedule, I've forgotten for about 5 days straight.

so is this thread closed now?

guess not lol!

I think I may have forgotten to take my risperidone so I'm sure excited but I think I'm seeing things out the corner of my eye hahahahaha. I can do anything so whatever.

[A Red Panda]

Yesterday I forgot to take my meds!!! That's a first for me, I've not forgotten to take them at all! Oops. I think it was because my friend's bf was awake when I woke up - he'd stayed awake the WHOLE night, and that threw me waaaayyyyyy off.

But last night I went and had a great night with a friend of mine - we went and played games at a midway. I love spending time with him, wish he lived in the same city as me!

((ETA: BC pills are a great way for me to keep track of meds! I saw that Tuesday's pill was still there and was like "DANGIT!!!"))

[avlady]

I hope you all feel better and can have positive days, for some reason i feel good which is unusual for me, i'll just sit back and enjoy it while it lasts!!

[Fuzzybear]

[comicgeek007]

I almost bought a new id card for campus (you can't really exist without one) because I'd thought I'd thrown mine away. As soon as I call my dad up to tell him what happened, he says you always end up finding it in your pocket just after you pay for a new one. Reflexively, I looked in my pocket, and it as there!