[johnthorne1539]

Hooo boy. Hyping up today; right now I feel great, but I can anticipate that sort of restlessness which ends up positively horrific. I went a very long time without episodes like this, but lately they've been happening more and more frequently: where I almost feel like I could peel the enamel back off my teeth and rip it through my gums while scratching the skin right off my arms.

On the plus side, I am invariably productive leading up to the point where I start wriggling out of my own skin.

Also, here's hoping I can get through the rest of the week without punching my roommate for the increasingly frequent PDA with his girlfriend. :P I'm probably just a bit jealous... in the words of Zeppelin, it's been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. Ah. Ah-ah. Ah-ah.

[Nessa213]

I just got my paperwork for the new pdoc's office today. It's seriously about 20 pages AND the hospital didn't even put enough postage on it so I owe the mail carrier!! (Yes, it's only 64 cents, but come on!) They gave about NO space to fill in my family's medical history. Or... my family's medical history is FAR more extensive than most?

Mood wise I'm blah. I feel... uh... "normal". It's weird. It's unnatural and I don't like it.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm obsessing today over everything. I'm being very negative but from the outside I look happy.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by Nessa213

I just got my paperwork for the new pdoc's office today. It's seriously about 20 pages AND the hospital didn't even put enough postage on it so I owe the mail carrier!! (Yes, it's only 64 cents, but come on!) They gave about NO space to fill in my family's medical history. Or... my family's medical history is FAR more extensive than most?

Mood wise I'm blah. I feel... uh... "normal". It's weird. It's unnatural and I don't like it.

Write it out on paper, label each page, and write "Please see Attachment 1" in the answer space

That's nuts that they didn't pay the right postage!

[A Red Panda]

Sorry to double post... but it's been about an hour and I sorta feel like putting in my own day.

I feel sad today. I feel lonely. I feel really upset that within a week I had 2 out of the 5 people I took a big risk in trusting here... I just feel really crushed that they broke that trust. I'm not really sure how to handle it. But neither one of them really seem to be apologetic, and neither have initiated any conversation with me. So... I'm also feeling paranoid about it.

And I miss my friends. I miss England. I wish that I wasn't single.

All sorts of stupid stuff really. Bah.

[johnthorne1539]

Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

Sorry to double post... but it's been about an hour and I sorta feel like putting in my own day.

I feel sad today. I feel lonely. I feel really upset that within a week I had 2 out of the 5 people I took a big risk in trusting here... I just feel really crushed that they broke that trust. I'm not really sure how to handle it. But neither one of them really seem to be apologetic, and neither have initiated any conversation with me. So... I'm also feeling paranoid about it.

And I miss my friends. I miss England. I wish that I wasn't single.

All sorts of stupid stuff really. Bah.

I'm sorry to hear that. Feel better! I can sympathize with missing friends (most of mine live 7+ hours away and are as busy as I am), missing a place you'd rather be (about 1500 miles from what I call "home" even though I haven't lived there in 5 years), and being single (more years than I'd like to count).

I know what you mean about having your trust broken, too... then I became bitter and cynical and stopped trusting people...! And have consequently isolated myself from society in general, oftentimes finding myself with nothing remotely resembling a social life. It's a risk, true, to trust someone, but it's good that you're willing to be open and honest, even if it sometimes comes back to bite ya in the ***. Keep your faith in human persons and I'm sure that, sooner or later, in some way or another, it will be rewarded.

[TippPatt]

I woke up with a start and immediately went for the Receipt Notice required by the Court as to my hearing date. I signed it and sent it off in the mail. I'd not heard from my atty as to whether or not they were supposed to do this -- I've waited for a reply for two days -- but with only a five day window allowed, I went ahead and did it, just to be sure.

I suspect that the atty's assistant that I'm working with is trying to sabotage my case as the last time I spoke to her, she was talking down to me and behaving as if I was a nobody simply because I had 'issues'. I know that in the past she hasn't been entirely honest with either me or the attys she works for. With that being said, I have a very strong suspicion against her, which I've told my attys about. I simply want my case worker changed. I don't think that's too much to ask for a paranoid. LOL

We'll see - so, here I sit, checking in, thinking that I'm interrupting Cheshire's thread. Why I do believe my day is going to be horrid or will closely resemble same. ::

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by gary290

I took myself off of the risperdal after 4 years. I didn't think it was helping plus the weight gain. It was a rough week but better now. That just leaves the effexor. So far so good. Not as irritable. Fairly stable mood. Also quit the caffeine.

Awesome, Gary. Not ready for caffiene taper yet, but def ditched the risperdal some time ago, and yes have lost weight. I know the drug helps some, but does cause prob for many. Good luck w the effexor and congrats on stability. Working on the latter now, as am going thru rough situational period.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by TippPatt

Almost went WHAAAAATTT??? When I saw the other thread was closed. Being new to this site, I didn't know where to look for the new one. Search is a really good tool.

LOL

My check ins have been few and far between. I tend to stick to my own thread but I feel comfortable knowing this check in thingy is here. I have to have it on my subscribed threads listing or I'll feel alone.

So - my check in --- I'm getting a big dose of the physical aging process right now. At the age of 54, and being diagnosed for some 27 years now, I've thought more about my head than the rest of my body for so long, I'm scared to even think of the rest of me. But, it's happening and I'm going to have to learn to deal with it, just like I had to learn to deal with being BiPolar.

NOT a comfortable thought, ya know?

Yes, Tipp, can relate, aging not for the fainthearted, but sometimes, not always, I consider the alternative, and then feel a little better! The best to you!

[anneo59]

Just trying to get a grip and psych myself up to make efforts to improve painful and almost unbelievable marital situ. Some other complications, as well. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, but clearly know I'm not alone, in having issues, and it's good, just to get started and to do what you can. The best to all, today!

[Moreta]

I'm nervous today. I'm really late this month, and I think I might be pregnant.....I did a test this morning and it came out neg, so I'm going to my GP tomorrow to get the blood test done. I'll be fine with either outcome, I just need to know, cause if I am, I need to come off meds asap...which will totally suck.

[gary290]

Hump Day! Actually made it through it. I'm so tired by the end of the day. Trying to spend time with the family in the living room. It's so hard to be social when you feel like crawling in bed and pulling the covers over your head.

[purple1967]

Crazy day moved in new place one week ago. Flushed toilet this morning went crazy and flooded through floor into living room down stairs wont cost me i rent but had 2 plumbers carpet cleaner today dry waller on fri to fix ceiling. Did i mention house out of orders triggers manic but holding it together its gotta get better...right?

[A Red Panda]

TWO MORE DAYS TILL SUMMER HOLS!!!!

I took my class (the 10 out of 17 who came today) to the Splash Pad. We had a great time, and then I fed them freezies. Yummy.

Called at lunch and booked an appointment for a tattoo and had the consult at 4pm. Am excited and terrified and a little surprised that I'm actually going through with it (I knew WHERE I would ideally get a tattoo for years but couldn't settle on what to get there... finally decided on something a few months ago and it seems to be pretty solid... so.. I know it's a rational decision and not a bonkers one)

I tried talking about my troubles to a friend yesterday, and she responded with boohoo's and changing the subject. Too bad I was happier than a ****ing merry-go-round or I might have told her what a ***** she was being. I hate waking up to problems that weren't problems until I woke up. Sometimes I wonder why I bother staying alive for these people. They don't know what I go through for them, but does it even matter? I think my whole life might just be a waste of time. Hell, I don't even care if the world ends right now.

At least my dog doesn't judge me.

[A Red Panda]

I can't handle it if someone thinks that I'm talking too much, or of I'm going on about one topic too much. They have no idea how much effort it takes to stay on one topic, and how little about it I'll actually share in an attempt to not overwhelm them. And that if I'm talking about a problem, ANY problem, it's still a really big deal. I typically only talk about things which I've dealt with to a pretty good extent - as in, it's not what is currently bothering me. If I DO share what is currently bothering me... that is a huuuuuge leap of faith I've just made.

And Mandrec - you aren't staying alive for them. You are staying alive for you, and for the people that you haven't met yet who are actually worth it. Your life isn't any more a waste of time than anyone else's!

I think the world ending would actually be the most interesting way to die. No one will have died that way before in the past so it's unique... but everyone else will be instantly dying at the same time, so it would be a truly shared experience and unique in that sense... but yeah. We unfortunately won't be around to see the end of the world, but it is fascinating to wonder what it will actually be like!

[anneo59]

trying to get back up on my horse and ride!!!!!!! Wishing everyone a good day today, and strength and peace!

[A Red Panda]

You too Anne!

I'm pretty certain that my "up" from the sertraline is done and over with - have burst out crying twice in the past 12 hours and haven't really had any reason for it aside from feeling sad and lonely. Ugh.

[Moreta]

I've been up since 2:30 am. I am sooo tired.

I went to therapy this morning, so I feel better about some things. She said we should evaluate next week if I should go to an every other week schedule, but I was like nah, I like the weekly thing, so she scheduled me for the next week. Idk, I just feel like I need to talk about the week with someone.

In other news, I'm not pregnant. Yay. I seriously didn't want to have to come off my meds.

[roads]

I have no data to back this up, but I wonder whether the erratic and more violent weather patterns of summer might contribute to our struggles achieving/maintaining balance. I'm having an awful time. For the past six days we've have thunderstorms passing through, & besides tipping my bipolar every which way they seem plugged into all my pain centers.

Roadie

[purple1967]

Better day job interview went great but not hired yet wish me luck

[H0P3L3SS_1]

Called in sick cuz I couldnt handle the day... Thinking its time to go back to counselling. Really struggling. Falling down and cant stop. Wondering how long it will take to hit bottom this time. FML

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by Roadie

I have no data to back this up, but I wonder whether the erratic and more violent weather patterns of summer might contribute to our struggles achieving/maintaining balance. I'm having an awful time. For the past six days we've have thunderstorms passing through, & besides tipping my bipolar every which way they seem plugged into all my pain centers.

Roadie

I actually find thunderstorms to be really calming. They're my favourite weather condition if my plan is to stay at home! Now.... snow storms on the other hand.... if I still have to go to work in them (keep in mind, I walk to work in -50C!) then I am going to be well... not happy.

We had one thunder storm a few weeks ago. I was so excited that I opened up the window so that I could hear it... and then I conked out because I found it soothing.

[Nessa213]

Today can go right to hell. I fought the urge to drive. And drive. And drive. Far far away. To never come back. I want to stop. I want it all to stop, I'd give anything to make these go away. I wish I could talk about it all and get it all out there. I'm breaking. In silence. And I'm fighting that urge to take too many of something to never wake up. I hate that and I hate myself.

[A Red Panda]

Nessa, don't hate yourself. I don't hate you at all. You've been one of the most helpful people in my life within the last few months - which is when I have really, really, needed helpful people in my life. How can you hate someone who has been helping me so much through the hardest time of my life? I wish that I could make the pain stop for you.. or that you could at least get a break from it.

----------------------------------------------
My day started out with being a crying mess in the morning before I went to work. Followed by a good day at work, where I was annoyed one point due to a coworker... but that was totally legit.

Then went for a going-away dinner with the friend who told another about a one night stand I'd had. Which had the friend who was super insensitive there - and the person I'd wanted to see wasn't - but I only learned that too close to the time to go to be able to cancel.

So I went, hoping for the best - which I hoped was just going to be light conversation as I know that L (the insensitive friend) didn't know the others at the meal.

First thing out of her mouth to me was to ask if I was still angry at her - hello, but the last conversation we had was HER being mad at me!... basically... it's pretty clear that A (the friend who talked about the one-night stand) obviously went straight to her and told her EVERYTHING I'd said when I was upset and trying to understand.

Anyway. I told L that I wasn't happy but that it wasn't an appropriate time to talk about it. (Who wants to have an uncomfortable conversation when you're at dinner with people you don't know well and it's SUPPOSED to be a fare-well dinner for someone else?)

So L's response to me admitting that I wasn't happy and didn't want to talk about it right then? Was to go "Don't you want to hear my side of the story?"

Actually... I had heard your side of the story. That was the entire last conversation we had, where she told me that it wasn't the end of the world, to stop whining, that she thinks I think my issues are the end of the world, that it's not that big of a deal to talk to someone about things. That was her side. And yet I'm the one who was mad???

So I repeated that it wasn't an appropriate time to talk about things.

And then, I was basically stuck in silence because it was either silence, burst into tears, or explode. So after messaging with everyone possible (which I had been doing already because I needed a focus to calm me down even BEFORE she said anything..)....

OH! And let's point out that this conversation had happened about the time that orders were taken.

Fortunately I DO have a good friend here, and when she saw my spam of paniced texts and not being sure how to get away... said she'd come and get me right then.

So my order (fries, I couldn't stomach the idea of a meal once she'd said that) arrived.. I got it packed to go and paid for me meal. Told everyone that my friend was upset over her mom's health (which is a true stress that my friend is going through.. but it wasn't something that was going on RIGHT THEN that needed me to leave... so... I lied..)

So I fled the scene. Had a rant as soon as I got into the truck with my friend and her husband, and barely kept myself contained... I could tell by my voice that I was crying, but it wasn't at the point of actual tears.

FML.