Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

Innerzone: I at least don't think your existence is pointless. Please, "blather" on all you want - although I am sure it isn't blathering (I am an expert blatherer so I will judge it for you if you wish!). It's almost always more helpful to get things off your chest and out into the void.

Thanks, CCG, you are too kind. Sorry to have gone and edited the actual word pointless out of my post. Wish it could be said that it was for a positive reason, but it wasn't (too much to explain). Hope it didn't make things feel weird. Not sure if that makes sense. BF dragged me out into the world in an attempt to mind shift. Didn't work at all though. Then ended up having a "bugs" episode, which only compounded my existential mortification. Then laid down, wishing it all away, or at least to not be conscious. Will be knocking myself out again shortly (up briefly attempting some chaos reduction, so getting out the door to work tomorrow won't be more horrible than it already will be).

Great. Just discovered intended med gone. As in stolen. So now we can add PO'd. I don't exactly have a sleep arsenal, so this may have just turned into a very long night. !#@#%&*!!!

[A Red Panda]

Aww Innerzone, that sounds rough! Your meds got stolen?! I hope that going to work tomorrow is alright....

Mix of mildly good and mildly bad feelings today. I'd enjoy it more if I wasn't so darn tired.

Hope you are alright tonight Innerzone.

Edit: Enjoying it now!

[RachelB2013]

Having a terrible mixed mood day

[anneo59]

Trying to make the best of the day, using what self-care tools I can, and trying also to enjoy and not to fear or be sad! Working very hard on controlling emotions, since i know this triggers emotions around me. Believe I accepted responsibility for this, but had to call out hub, a grown son, and a brother on their anger for doing the same. Felt I needed to stand up for myself! Picked my times carefully. Still responsibility for only controlling personal emotions, but seeing the ripple effect for sure! Be well, everyone!

[A Red Panda]

Good for you for standing up for yourself Anne! That can be really hard to do, especially with family. You're absolutely correct that you're only responsible for your own actions; they each need to take responsibility for theirs and I hope that they're doing so!

[TippPatt]

Originally Posted by TippPatt

Signing on today. Started with a tad bit of a headache - sort of lethargic. Pain level at about a 7 - toothache added to back makes back a 5, toothache a 2. Yeah, that's right.

I do hope I handled what could have been a sticky situation in the right way. I so don't want to hurt anyone but I seem to more often than not. Sometimes I feel so out of sorts when people don't want to understand what I want them to know. Do I communicate as if I'm speaking a foreign language? Sometimes I believe so.

Two days of little sleep and seriously bad dreams.

Sadness......

Lightbulb - LOL

I spent the a.m. with the Zimmerman trial, and after eating two oranges and two cookies for lunch I had this overwhelming need to sleep. It's been happening to me for several days and really had concerned me. So much so to google it. BUT..................

I come here, realize what I'd said a few days ago and BINGO, I have the answer as to why this is taking place. My body is sleep deprived and it's making up for it in any way it can without my realizing it.

Dang those Bodies are smart. They'll get what they want no matter what. No one should mess with Mother Nature - she always wins.

[gayleggg]

Not bad for a Monday and only mild pain. Hope this is the start of a good week.
Gayle

[Nessa213]

Today didn't end up as bad as I was expecting. But I had low expectations to begin with... being a Monday and all.

Sometimes I just get tired of fighting. Tired of trying. This whole... thing... just takes so much effort. I want to be done.

[purple1967]

Got the job but work *** off til mid last night and 9:30 am til midnight tonoght and back at 9 am tomorrow ahhhhhrrrrrggg

Hours of sleep: Zero. Morning: spitting nails.
1 1/2 hours late to work (called, but left when/if in limbo). A) it was taking time to rip culprit a new one, and B) had to bring it down enough to drive.
Cannot really describe state of mind, though I did consider both checking in and checking out. Did neither. Basically a whole lot of agitated mental flailing. Work grounded a bit. Debated 6 hours about calling psych for an appt. Finally did.
Did a couple mindless chores. Pretty calm now. But it is quiet, I'm not having to deal with anyone, and am exhausted. Going to shower and call it an early night.
Weirdly, an area on my head is tender, as if it bashed against something, but don't remember anything like that happening.
Not a day I care to repeat.

[StillLeftBehind]

I feel horrid and that I am at my sanity's end.

Another random day of wondering if I am level, hypo, or depressed. I feel as though I have been all 3, and continue to cycle thru all 3.
And my lonliness can't be helping any either...but who wants to hang with someone who is desperately lonely?
Can't say as I blame anyone who doesn't.

Lots of bad emotions going on here now. Hope you're all able to hang in there!

I need to vent, have to get this out, but if it ends up very long, please don't feel like you have to read this. I'm just venting.

The last 4 days I've been cycling every day. I'm pretty sure I've been slightly mixed the whole time though, and think that's why it's been cycling so rapidly. I was euphoric hypo, very depressed, euphoric hypo and then very depressed again today. I feel hopeless. I think I'm too sick to be able to function well in any academic or work-related area (even just walking the dog inevitably makes me suicidal if I'm not clearly hypo, because it induces so much stress for me). But I'm also not sick enough for people around me to actually believe that it's too difficult for me. My friends compare my depressions to their "depressions", and they try to find other explanations for my hypomanic behavior. My previous T and pdoc also refused to believe me until they had to when I finally showed up in hypomania, and they insisted my depressions were dysthymia until I made them test me (scored near the upper limit). People think my depression is feeling a bit down and my hypomania is feeling a bit up, but they couldn't be more wrong. And it hurts me to have to deal with this every day, and it's very confusing. I feel lost, exhausted, and that big neon exit sign is constantly tempting me.

[A Red Panda]

Innerzone: congrats on surviving your day! Honestly, I bet that sounded insincere but I mean it sincerely - that sounds like a really rough day. Good job on calling the doc! I hope you got more sleep last night, and wake up feeling more rested and more calm. I love having my evenings by myself to calm myself down - even if I've got all sorts of emotions raging around in my head, I can relax because I know I'm not going to spout them out at someone who doesn't deserve it, and there's no pressure to pretend or anything!

StillLeft: I'm not sure if there is ever a total end to sanity. Just keep stretching it out - I think it's like air because it will expand to fit the container it's in. So just keep wandering around until you bump into another little pocket of sanity. It'll happen!

Storm: I think one of the funny things about loneliness is that no one else tends to notice that someone is lonely. And if they DO notice that someone is lonely? They're a lot more likely to put the effort in to try and help them NOT feel lonely. It's just that people very rarely notice. *hugs* I would hang out with you if I could. I tend to be a one-woman entertainment unit so if you didn't feel like talking it'd be a-ok. I hope that you are feeling better today. Got any good friends that you could make a phone call to?

Mandrec: I am so sorry that you are having trouble finding supportive people who will believe you I believe you! The pdocs should at least understand how great we are at faking it... and that our faking is usually to appear MORE calm and normal than we are! I am angry on your behalf that they aren't listening to the words you're saying. If you're all over the place, it's not like you can go there and SHOW them all the different sides at once. Are you anything like me? I tend to get SO keyed up about going to appointments that when I go to an appointment... I am essentially in LOCK DOWN and don't really show much emotion at all. If I do show an emotion, it'll be a calm/happy one because that's what I present when I'm in a terrified lock down mode.

[Moreta]

Stressed out today and just sooo angry. These kind of days are examples of why i shouldn't work. I feel like hurting people. I won't do it. So don't worry.

Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

Mandrec: I am so sorry that you are having trouble finding supportive people who will believe you I believe you! The pdocs should at least understand how great we are at faking it... and that our faking is usually to appear MORE calm and normal than we are! I am angry on your behalf that they aren't listening to the words you're saying. If you're all over the place, it's not like you can go there and SHOW them all the different sides at once. Are you anything like me? I tend to get SO keyed up about going to appointments that when I go to an appointment... I am essentially in LOCK DOWN and don't really show much emotion at all. If I do show an emotion, it'll be a calm/happy one because that's what I present when I'm in a terrified lock down mode.

I'm in a sort of constant lock down around people. I fake it till I make it, sort of. So unless I'm so depressed that I just stay at home I appear to be happy or at least OK. (I have atypical depressions, so I do actually get happy, but it only lasts for a short second. After that I fake it.) And then there are the misplaced smiles that sometimes come when I get negative emotions, where I appear to be super happy when I actually got sad or agitated.

[TippPatt]

The new drug my doctor has me on is making me loopy as hell. There is no way I should ever drive with thing in my system. It's great that I'm agoraphobic and in no way want to go anywhere, isn't it? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Confusedinomicon]

Really anxious about vacation trip!

[gayleggg]

Originally Posted by Mandrec

Lots of bad emotions going on here now. Hope you're all able to hang in there!

I need to vent, have to get this out, but if it ends up very long, please don't feel like you have to read this. I'm just venting.

The last 4 days I've been cycling every day. I'm pretty sure I've been slightly mixed the whole time though, and think that's why it's been cycling so rapidly. I was euphoric hypo, very depressed, euphoric hypo and then very depressed again today. I feel hopeless. I think I'm too sick to be able to function well in any academic or work-related area (even just walking the dog inevitably makes me suicidal if I'm not clearly hypo, because it induces so much stress for me). But I'm also not sick enough for people around me to actually believe that it's too difficult for me. My friends compare my depressions to their "depressions", and they try to find other explanations for my hypomanic behavior. My previous T and pdoc also refused to believe me until they had to when I finally showed up in hypomania, and they insisted my depressions were dysthymia until I made them test me (scored near the upper limit). People think my depression is feeling a bit down and my hypomania is feeling a bit up, but they couldn't be more wrong. And it hurts me to have to deal with this every day, and it's very confusing. I feel lost, exhausted, and that big neon exit sign is constantly tempting me.

I don't blame you for needing to rant. So sorry no one is listening to you. Glad you posted. Hope it helped to get it out. Hang in there. You are not hopeless.
Gayle

[purple1967]

Anorexia has once again reared its ugly head too far gone too want help sane enough to know i need it.99.8 today any help welcomed messages welcomed frieds are needed

[TippPatt]

Hi everyone, I hope your day is going as well as it can for you.

Me, I'm in pain. Psychologically I'm okay today - no big triggers running though my head to add to the back pain, so that's good. Some days they all jumble up on me and I'm dealing with both psychological as well as physical pain. Today is a physical day - it may sound strange, but I hope it remains only in one realm. To deal with both is completely overwhelming for me.

[TippPatt]

Originally Posted by purple1967

Anorexia has once again reared its ugly head too far gone too want help sane enough to know i need it.99.8 today any help welcomed messages welcomed frieds are needed

I can see you're frightened. I can also see you're reaching out for understanding. You aren't too far gone to ask for help, I think. You might just be too afraid to admit the problem to the right person. Please find a disinterested third party to put the question to. "Should I seek help". If that person says yes, please ask that they help you find help. I'm sure they would. No one wants to see another suffer.

Please make a call today to any hotline and ask the question. Please.

Good luck hun --- Really - Sincerely, Patt

[TippPatt]

Originally Posted by Mandrec

But I'm also not sick enough for people around me to actually believe that it's too difficult for me. My friends compare my depressions to their "depressions", and they try to find other explanations for my hypomanic behavior.

I know what it's like to not be believed that what you're experiencing is, for you, just too much. Others simply compare themselves to what you say you're feeling and discount your symptoms because THEY are able to cope easily with what you have gone through.

It's really difficult to explain to others that coping for them isn't the same for people like us. Their ability to cope is so much easier than ours. And, because of that, they just don't believe us when we say it's too much.

I personally hate that. It just adds more to the pain of being unbelieved which for me, sends me in the opposite direction. From up to straight down. Horrible feeling, just horrible.

[purple1967]

Its impossible to understand it without livng it, we are here and we understand. Stay strong