Frustrated

He never lets up. He just picks and picks at me until we argue then it's my fault we are arguing. I'm so frustrated right now. So frustrated.

so sorry ...........

So sorry, did you get a psychiatrist appointment for him and therapist appointments for both of you yet?

He finally just left. Then he came back home about an hour later and locked me out of the bedroom again. Another night on the couch. Thank God its comfy. We do have the appointment set and I think I will make an appointment for me also. I just can't seem to pull out of this slump even with the meds. Guess the Therapist needs more intense therapy. Oy.

Update: The last two days have been really good but my daughter comes home today so I'm sure the good days are at an end in a few hours. She is one of his biggest triggers. I am so glad school starts in less than a week. Maybe then I can breath a little easier.

Yeah.... I hear you on this one.

Arguments over nothing because someone picks and picks away at one insignificant thing until you explode. And since I'm the one with bipolar the explosion is a full episode meltdown with all the trimmings..... I feel for you.

Hey faerie. He definitely gives new meaning to volcanic eruption. One of his triggers is me rolling my eyes. It's something I do all the time without even knowing it...it's just a impulse reaction. He made some comment that annoyed me and I guess I rolled my eyes. We talked it out and I thought it was over but then he just kept bringing it up and bringing it up. No matter what I say he always says no...and then tells me how I think and feel and what my intentions were. About 85% of the time he is wrong but it doesn't matter it is what he says it is no matter what I say. I am usually pretty good at letting it go but that day he just wouldn't stop until I just said (rather forcefully) enough! Well then it was on like donkey kong. It wasn't the worst blow up he's ever had but it was certainly up there. And of course it was my fault that we had the fight...as usual. Blah. At least the episode was over the next morning. I hate it when it drags on for days and it usually does.

I have to ask. I haven't been around for a while so sorry for not knowing. Holdingontohope... are you here for support for your husband who has bp? Do you have it too... or are you the one who suffers from this disorder?

Not that it matters, really... We are here for you... just trying to get perspective!

It's ok. Ask away. No, I do not have bipolar. I am here for support getting through life with him, some insight so that I can understand what he deals with, and to find the best way to help him help himself that I can. There is no better way to find out about what you can't understand by experience then talking to those who share in his world. That's why I'm here.

HOH: is there any chance that your H also has a personality disorder or some kind? He's sooooo explosive and reactive!

He is so lucky to have someone like you sticking by him despite his horrible behaviour!

My ex son in law has Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Maybe your H can be checked for that. : )

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Ok. Maybe we can help each other! My situation is the exact opposite. I am the husband with the disorder desperately trying to have a good life with my wife and two kids.

My biggest obstacle is my reactions to things when I am feeling "off", meaning I'm becoming depressed or hypo, or both. We call me being "off" when I start to show signs of either.

the obstacle is my reactions towards feeling off. You see, I've had this disorder since I was a child, so I have perfected my defense mechanisms throughout life. I was diagnosed only a year and a half ago, so I really haven't had much time to reconsider all of my defenses and such.

So my reaction to feeling depressed or hypo is to step back and distance myself from the way that I am feeling. I consciously ignore the impulses and justify the emotions. This is where I start being really careful around people. My main focus is on my behavior, mainly my responses and reactions to people. The problem is, is that my wife sees right through this. That's a problem because I don't know how else to deal with the changes and I'm just trying to keep things together for the sake of the family, you know, to keep things peaceful and problem free.

And the way that I feel when she calls me out on it is to immediately deny it. I get so upset about it because this is the only coping technique that I have. If I didn't deal with it, it would be a thousand times worse. I know it would be. But she asks me not to deal with it that way. Instead, she feels that if I'm just honest and tell her how I am feeling and what is happening, that it would make it better for me. But in reality, if I was to admit exactly what was happening, it would feed the fire and make it so much worse for me. I need to be able to deal with it the only way that I know how.

ugh.... so the tension about it remains when I start becoming one or the other. There are things that I can do to minimize the effects it has on the people around me. I don't suffer really bad episodes anymore with the meds that I am on... but I don't think that anything would take it all away.

So that is my struggle with my home life.

honestly, there is a resentment towards my wife when she calls me out on being off. It makes it really hard on me, puts a lot of pressure on me. she will never see how counter productive it is. But, at the same time, I can see why it freaks her out and I know her expectations based on my behavior. I wish that I could just get her to trust me to deal with it appropriately and not make it a big deal, like treat it like it's just a part of life and such. But based on our history, that may never happen and I will have to learn not to resent her when this happens, instead focus on understanding her. She puts up walls when I get that way, so it's not like I can try to reassure her either. It only adds to my frustration and makes it just that much more important to not screw up and react improperly... she reads my reactions.. so the only way that I can reassure her is through my reactions to everything. It's a lot of work, she will never know how much I try... but that's just life.

that's a little of what it's like for me on this end of things. What is it like for you?

feel free to ask away.... I'm like an open book.

This reminds me of myself. Some of us have our racing thoughts that loop, like a scratched record. It's not so easy to let things go even if we really want to. I hate it.

And yes, eye rolling is extremely triggering and I can't take it, either. That and the word "whatever." Those two things enrage me....

I mostly just yell until I attack myself physically.... It's not fun....

Rolling eyes, throwing hands up in frustration, "whatever", "Not this s__t again" and not making eye contact with me when I am speaking are like detonators to the rage bomb I carry around. And it is troublesome as anyone who has had to deal with with me for an extended period of time is going to naturally have those types of reactions

Not only "get over it" and "you're imagining things", and withholding physical affection are big triggers for me.

If I'm in a relationship and all of a sudden they no longer initiate holding my hand or giving me a hug or a kiss? I will spiral downwards within a few days.

Although for me it's not so much rage as just having a meltdown.

Someone pretending I don't exist is a real catalyst to fury for me. It definitely doesn't diffuse my anger - its like pouring fuel on a fire.

But a calm response, and willingness to discuss the issues, rapidly leads to me calming down and enables me to engage in a more rational and caring resolution of the issues.

I am really blessed to have such a wise and caring wife who has supported me by learning about what we are living with (Bipolar 1), and working with me on ways to deal with the issues.
I too have had to make efforts to be open with her about everything in order to retain her trust. In manic phases, that trust is very vulnerable, and by keeping nothing from her, we stand a better chance of minimising my foolish decisions and actions that can push an episode into catastrophe.

holdingonhope, before I was diagnosed, my wife would do things that on the surface seem minuscule in the greater scheme of things. Yet there was something underlying those little things that really hurt me made my blood boil. Medical treatment has helped me deal with anger triggers with a slower, more manageable anger. I am better able to rationally decide what action to take, and avoid impulsive actions that I will probably regret. It enables me to respond more often with love and respect and to resolve conflicts peacefully. I'm hoping psychotherapy will lead to further insights into what issues I need to address and to develop better coping mechanisms.

I admire you for your proactive effort to learn more about your man's condition, and hope you get some good ammo that will help you both cope better.

TS

I have suspected the Intermittent Explosive Disorder for awhile now. I am going to bring that up to the psyc at our appointment.

I admit I do the eye rolling and "whatever" and "right" often. I am working on it though because I know my attitude plays a large roll in how bad his reactions get. Sometimes it's so hard to remember that isn't really my husband talking...I call his alter ego, Zero.

Today was the 4th good day in a row. That is rare. Lots of hopes for tomorrow.

There's no excuse for abusive behavior. I don't care how much someone rolls their eyes, says things you don't like, doesn't understand you. Nor is any diagnosis in the DSM an excuse.

Just because, from a certain point of view, it's not your fault, doesn't mean that on some level some responsibility cannot be taken for behavior that hurts others. I think it can be understood, but owned at the same time. And with room for compassion for those on the other side. No one is under any obligation to 'put up' with those with bipolar disorder just because of the disorder. Relationships are a two-way street.

To the OP specifically, I'm so sorry you're going through this. He needs help -therapy and probably psychiatrist. I hope for your sake and his (and your daughter's) that he gets it. This must be very hard for you and I wish you the best of luck.

He does own his behavior and he knows what he puts me through. But knowing and being able to stop it are two different things. I knew what was going on with him before I married him. I do not feel obligated to "put up" with him or his behavior. I do it because I love him and because it can get better. Our relationship is a two-way street...we just have a very loud third wheel sometimes. When he is calm he is very good to me and a fantastic dad to my kids. I just have very few people to talk to who understand what having that disorder means. It helps just to be able to vent.

I know exactly what you are talking about. I did this with my husband also. It took me awhile to understand what he was trying to tell me. He handles his "flipping of the switch" as we call it the same way. Whenever the rage would start I would immediately ask him what's wrong and then get defensive when he refused to answer because I thought that meant it was about me. When I make him talk about it he has to "relive" it which in turn does as you said..adds fuel to the fire.

Things are better now than they were a few months ago. I have learned how to mostly handle him to avoid us fighting between ourselves although we fight plenty still. For me it's like being on a roller coaster that goes upside down and twists all around without a safety harness on. I'm on constant egg shells...having to be so careful about what I say and do so as not to set him off. I can't wait for his appointment so we can get him started on meds.

All I can say is that for me as the wife in the situation...I am exhausted both mentally and physically beyond anything I thought humanly possible. I am now on meds myself for depression as dealing with his constant battering takes its toll pretty hard. But the most important thing is I'm not giving up. He wants to control this disorder and I'm going to do anything possible to help him do that.

Thank you so much for giving me your perspective on things. It was helpful to know that we are not the only couple feeling exactly that way. The resentment is hard to work through but it's important that those feelings get resolved so they don't build. I hope that your wife listens to you eventually about how you need to handle your "off" days. A spouse to this disorder has to become a very active listener. Give her credit, though. She is still there which means she is still trying and when it comes to this disorder trying is equivalent to moving mountains with a dry leaf.

I would be happy to share perspectives anytime you wish.

Lots of great advice given..

How have you and him been dealing with his Bipolar illness since first getting together? Has he been stable in the past for a good deal of time? Like most people I am certain he has been dealing with Bipolar long before he got the actual diagnosis... So how has he been handling life?

The one thing I do want to throw out there .... Not every argument or mean word and action can be explained by his Bipolar... Sometimes it boils down to him just reacting in a bad way .. Everyone gets mad upset and pissed off at times, He is still responsible for his actions and any fallout that happens.

Him locking you out of the bedroom? I'm sorry that's ridiculous and childish, possible manipulative also . Could he possibly have some BPD issues also?

I hope you are able to find some peace and time for your own self care, Don't lose yourself in his illness.

Christina ~

Oh I know that not everything is the fault of his bipolar. It is very easy to tell the difference between a manic episode and him just being pissed.

I have been doing extensive research on BPD as I have also wondered if this isn't part of the problem. The issue is that he has the symptoms of several personality disorders and I am trying to sort out which ones fit him best so that I can explain the best I can to the psychiatrist at his appointment. He does exhibit many of the symptoms listed for BPD so it is highly possible. I just won't know for sure until we can get a clear diagnosis.

I didn't know what he had when we first got together. His mother warned me about the issues he had but being warned and seeing them for yourself are very different. It took me a bit but I slowly began to realize what was actually going on as I heard stories of his childhood and early adulthood from his family and from him. He has been to psychiatrists before many years ago but just was diagnosed with "anger issues". Hardly helpful at all.

How has he handled life? Well....

He has never been stable. He was so hard to handle that his mother put him in juvie when he was 9. He has been in and out of jail and prison all his life. He is an alcoholic and recovering drug addict...mostly. His family have all told me that since we got together he is the most stable he has ever been. He is now slowly repairing his relationship with his family. He has burned a lot of bridges in his past. I think he just needed someone to listen and understand and no one before ever did.

Being a psychologist myself has given me a slight advantage in being able to deal with him but it is still incredibly hard. We handle it the best we can by trying to avoid the biggest triggers and keeping his stress level as low as possible which fails most of the time. Since I sat him down and talked to him about the disorder he has made a conscious effort to try to control his reactions. Sometimes he does...most times he doesn't. Our 7 year old actually has the greatest success in calming him down. He loves that girl to death and she can get through to him when no one else can.

I am aware that locking me out of the bedroom has little to do with bipolar. He is very practiced and extremely good at emotional blackmail and manipulation. He knows I hate sleeping without him so it's his favorite way to "punish" me. We have far more to work on than BPD, OCD, IED, or BPD issues. He has a very prison mentality as he spent over a third of his life locked up and being passed around between the three maximum security prisons we have here in Indiana. We are slowly working on getting him out of that mindset. It's a very slow process. They don't call them monster factories for nothing. But I have every faith in him that he can overcome these obsticles. He wants to and that's half the battle.

I do admit that I rarely get time for myself. Between him and my two youngest kids and all I deal with with my oldest daughter...I have little time for anything else. I barely get my school work done these days..never on time. Work is kind of my escape and even there I deal with the same thing all day that I do at home. I am..exhausted. The kids go back to school on Wednesday so that will give me a slight reprieve. I know I need to take more time for myself. There just don't seem to be enough hours in the day.

It isn't all bad. When he is stable he is extremely loving and caring. He takes very good care of me and is considerate and the most wonderful husband. He is a fantastic father to my kids and I'm so grateful that despite his mental and emotional problems my kids finally have the dad I always wanted for them. I love this man very much. Even as hard as it is to deal with all that he throws at me, I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world.

Well that explains alot and also shows that he has struggles on so many levels if not everyone I could think of. He is very lucky to have you in his life. We all know most people just can't handle these kind of situations in a relationship.

I know your pulled in 18 different directions at one time .. But, seriously make the time for you, you know how important this is.

Most days I am not even sure I can handle it. The last two days have been very hard but the victory is we had almost 2 weeks of almost all good days. It's progress. It's always one step forward and 2 or 3 steps back but we do keep stepping forward and that's what matters. This time pain was the trigger. He finally got back to work and we ran out of his back pain pills. We have no money to refill them. He still went to work but I can only imagine how difficult it would be to roof a house with intense back pain. Our problems seem to be overwhelming us. My family loves to say up that creek without a paddle..well...we are in that creek with no paddle and drowning. The stress on him is enormous so I was expecting this weekend to be bad..and it was horrible.

People these days seem to think relationships are supposed to be always those rainbows and butterflies which is a hysterical misconception. Luckily I was raised with parents who didn't have a perfect relationship but it was a solid working one. My father was much like K only without the BP. He is a very hard man and while I was growing up he had a very bad temper. I used to think my mother was weak and beaten down by him but now I understand her. She wasn't beaten down she just understood him in a way children can't understand their parents. She was the softness he didn't have. The light to his darkness...his calm in the storm. She was his anchor.

This past father's day I gave him a card that thanked him for all the lessons he tried to teach me and I apologized that I didn't understand at the time the values he was trying to instill in us. I only heard his harsh tone...I didn't understand what he was really trying to do the only way he knew how. I rebelled against him exactly like my oldest daughter rebels against K. She also thinks I'm weak and beaten down by him. Funny how life comes full circle. I hated my father as a child and even up until the last few years...so I married a man just like him. Irony. But their relationship at least gave me some understanding for my own. I just wish I was calm like my mother instead of hot tempered like my father...ya..that would have been slightly more helpful but my mother often says she couldn't handle what I do. My father was never violent and while he was cold he was rarely verbally abusive like K often is. Maybe my father's temperament is what I need to handle him. I don't know.

K does struggle with absolutely everything. He is most definitely not inherently a good person. It's a constant battle for him to be as "good" as he is. He wants so badly to take care of his family but work is hard to find for a convicted felon with multiple not so nice felonies to credit his name. The suspended license doesn't help either. But he keeps trying no matter how discouraged he gets. I have a good job but it doesn't cover our bills. As a man this is very hard for him to take.

I found a saying online once that was very profound to me. It said, "When another person makes you suffer it is because he suffers deeply within himself and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need condemnation or punishment. He needs help. That is the message he is sending." Now obviously this is not true of everyone but it is of my husband. I see it all over his face. This angry vengeful man is saying everything to get me to leave; to hurt me as badly as he is hurting. He wants to hurt me before I hurt him. The hurt boy inside is begging me not to go. My mom thinks I'm crazy but when he gets like that I just want to hug him. To pull him into my arms and tell him it will be ok. That I'll never leave him; he'll never be alone again. He can go to bed spitting fire he's so mad but in his sleep he never fails to curl around me and hold onto me for dear life. I am the softness he doesn't have. The light to his darkness...his calm in the storm. I am his anchor.

I watch my daughter drool over all those "bad boys" on tv. I am sorry to say she has her mother's taste in men. My mother has always said I was born to love the unlovable...maybe she is too. Every girl at some point wants to be the girl in the movie that that bad boy falls for. Treats her like a princess while at the same time burning the rest of the world to the ground. This isn't the movies. They aren't men who's mothers didn't hug them enough and all they need is a pretty girl to set them straight and make them sweethearts. It's like taking a pit bull trained to fight and kill and thinking a dog bone will turn it into lassie. People worry K isn't good for her. I do. I want her to understand that in real life those men are sometimes just plain evil and nothing will ever change them and the others are so damaged they have no idea how to love anyone. A rare few might be turned into lassie but doubtful. K is no lassie; he is irrevocably broken and damaged. No amount of hugs in the world will ever make him ok...none.

I have no illusions that even medication will change how he is completely. I do know without a doubt he has bipolar but that won't fix his memories. No medication can undo damage like that. How do you give a man back his heart? How do you convince him to put all that anger, rage, and pain down and heal when he can't even bring himself to open the door that hides it all? He's afraid of it.

He has Demon tatted down the back of one arm and Child tatted down the back of the other. People read it and see all the depictions of hell and demons that cover his upper body and think it's just another bada** who wanted a really cool picture to show off. If they only knew how significant each piece of artwork was. How defining those words are down his arms. I can't image the horror they would come away with. It chills even me. How do you break through a lifetime of that mindset? I'm not even sure I know where to start.

He can't understand why I'm with him. He sometimes looks at me like a novelty in a freak show. Tells me all the time the world would be a better place without him and that he can't understand what there is about him that I could possibly love or even tolerate. I try to tell him why but he always walks away from me. He thinks I don't see the tears starting as he turns away. How do you heal that when it is so deeply ingrained that they can't even conceive of anyone actually wanting them?

I know I'm rambling tonight. My heart is just hurting. A little from his hurtful words but mostly it hurts for him. Because with all my book knowledge and all my training and experience...I can't put back together the one who matters most. And that hurts most of all.

Thanks for "listening" guys.

He hasn't been home since yesterday morning. Won't return any phone calls or texts.