[wildflowerchild25]

Ever think yourr making stuff up for attention like ever think maybe your symptoms aren't even real and that maybe nothing's real like I can carryi on a conversation so how can I be manic? How can I be hypo? I can't be I'm just making it up so I will be hospitalized so I don't have to deal with life. This is what my husband thinks and I think he's right nothing is real I'm not even a real person I don't think.

I think I'm fake I think I'm made up I think I'm making it all up. I know I can see my son. I know he's real so maybe I am too. I'm confused.

This is all in my head and I could control it if I want I'm just a little baby.

Right?

[venusss]

I do sometimes feel like I am driving myself crazy with thinking too much.

[Unknown Shadow]

I can totally hear you there. I feel like that almost every time I'm in the "normal" phase between depression and mania...

[deelooted]

Originally Posted by TheAviot

I can totally hear you there. I feel like that almost every time I'm in the "normal" phase between depression and mania...

Me too... and it tears me to pieces. Even "normal" then becomes its own hell. I some times think the only reprieve is when I am manic, but it is not worth it to go there because I wreck everything good in my life when so.

But I have to say, I am loving my meds more and more as they bring me to an even keel... and my wife is loving the "new" me. That means most to me more than anything else.

[laurawwrites]

I feel/ have felt everything you just wrote.

[Margolomania]

Wow. You just read my mind O_O I definitely feel this way, like TheAviot said, when I'm feeling normal. It's hard to turn it off, too, then it just leads to some kind of self-loathing and telling myself that I'm so horrible for "wanting" to be crazy.

[wildflowerchild25]

I've taken Benadryl so I'm a little more coherent now.

I'm glad i'm not alone. I always feel like I'm just making everything up especially when depressed but obviously sometimes when manic too.

But then, in the words of dumbledore: of course it's all happening in your head. But why should that mean it isn't real?

[Unknown Shadow]

On my way through years of these mood swings I learned to trust myself in this. It's like there are three main "versions" of myself (depressive, "normal" and manic) who don't believe each other about seriousness of symptoms. So, when I'm living through each phase, I just tell myself: "this is it, what I'm going through now is a real serious problem". Then when my mood changes again, I remember what I told myself before and just trust it.
It's really helping me, I hope it will help someone else to cope, too.

[Margolomania]

P.S. Wildflower, I'm sorry your husband feels that way. No real help can be gained or given when we think people are just making up their pain.

And TheAviot, I'll try what you just said on myself. Hopefully it sticks through the phases.

[deelooted]

Originally Posted by Margolomania

P.S. Wildflower, I'm sorry your husband feels that way. No real help can be gained or given when we think people are just making up their pain.

And TheAviot, I'll try what you just said on myself. Hopefully it sticks through the phases.

Very well said, Marg.... wildchild, if he is speaking like this that means he is not understanding you. Try to communicate to him what it is like, as hard as it is to even tell ourselves how we feel And as much as it appears to be "only in the mind", there is usually a biological deficiency of some sort going on, hence the need for a proper diet, exercise, possibly meds. Hope you feel better, hugs and blessings coming your way

[wiretwister]

I still can not decide if I really am bipolar, depressed or normal with a poor personality. I can work regularly except for the ocassional item that is too stressful. no fighting at home of course I never leave it except for work. no hobbies no fun no sex for 9 months and I am ok with that.. I do not know what I am.

[deelooted]

I feel ya...I usually start to feel this way when "normal". But, like all feelings, it passes. Remember that although we have a diagnosis, we don't and should not let the diagnosis define us.

I see you are on depakote....that one made me angry as a bee. If it is not working, or you still feel moody, or swinging up and down, maybe talk with your doctor about trying a different one. For me, anti-psychotics have worked much better.

Also, if you are not sleeping, tell your pdoc to give you something for insomnia...trazodone has worked wonders for me, and now I get more sleep than i ever have dreamed of

Blessings, hope you get some reprieve from your turmoil

[A Red Panda]

I feel like I'm imagining it, which is why it took me over a decate to do a thing about it.

I believe it shortly after one of my UPS (and sometimes during the up if I'm aware of being in it) because I'll be like "Oh... was I really just saying and doing those things?". But a bit later and I'll start doubting that it was really out of context for me.

I do not ever doubt the validity of my depressions however. Those are real. Even if the thoughts are stupid and not really what I would choose to think or believe, but those feelings are legit.

It's just the ups that I doubt. Are they actually an up or are they just a really good mood where I actually feel like I have a normal confidence level? (My baseline has a fairly low self-conscious, so I can tell I'm in an up just because I'll be thinking pretty well about myself). My hypomanias are pretty mild all told, and they wouldn't even be too far out of the normal range for most people I think. I just know that they are VERY different from my normal states of being.

Basically, my states are these, from worst to best: "I wish I was dead" "I hate my life and myself" "I'm really sad" "Meh." "I'm ok" "Hey, I'm actually a pretty good person and my life is fun!"

As my base self-confidence is improving though, I can tell that my ups are getting a bit more UP. I seem to be more willing to take silly risks than I used to.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Ever think yourr making stuff up for attention like ever think maybe your symptoms aren't even real and that maybe nothing's real like I can carryi on a conversation so how can I be manic? How can I be hypo? I can't be I'm just making it up so I will be hospitalized so I don't have to deal with life. This is what my husband thinks and I think he's right nothing is real I'm not even a real person I don't think.

I think I'm fake I think I'm made up I think I'm making it all up. I know I can see my son. I know he's real so maybe I am too. I'm confused.

This is all in my head and I could control it if I want I'm just a little baby.

Right?

Yes I think this all the time (not the hospitalized part, but that I'm making it up for attention and so I can be lazy). However, it isn't true, as evident by all the other days when I believe in my dx and can come up with sound reasons for doing so. I do cycle between suicidal depression and stupidly self-loving prideful and wrathful hypomania, and I'm not making it up or trying to get attention. Your husband is cold and insensitive for saying so. If there's any chance of you talking this over and making up with eachother I'd suggest you tell him straigth to his face that he really shouldn't talk like that to you, or to anyone. I'm having similar (but in a much milder form) problems with my boyfriend. My symptoms are rarely visible to others, even when I'm suicidal or think I'm God's son. And logically enough, though still quite surprising to me, he did not know how serious my illness currently is. He said some hurtful things (that I am not even trying to be happy and get well, that I am egotistical, etc.) but he said sorry for them and I said sorry for the things I said and now we're trying to move on.



I really hope you two sort this out in a good way. Until you do, don't let these negative thoughts fester and grow. I did and ended up planning my own suicide again. That was a total waste of time.

[wildflowerchild25]

We worked through the fight mandrec and he apologized for saying I'm not trying hard enough he was just frustrated that I self harmed again. He jinks it's an indication that I don't care about hurting him. I put on a happy face too and try really hard to contain my mania but it's not working at the moment.

I still feel like I'm not real.

[Unknown Shadow]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I still feel like I'm not real.

I'm starting to think this doubt is a part of bipolarity too. So thinking you are not real is a sign that you are.

[wildflowerchild25]

huh. maybe you're right aviot.

[Unknown Shadow]

Sure I am ! That, or we all are fakers.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by TheAviot

Sure I am ! That, or we all are fakers.

Now THERE'S an idea! I'll strengthen that theory:

“But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."
"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, or you wouldn’t have come here.”

Hey, this is my main coping mechanism! Pretending, believing, talking myself into the idea that none of this is real. That I am just like everyone else, and I'm determined to be better than everyone else at it too!

It's triggering for me to try and get a perspective on myself as being a manic depressive. If my mind goes back to the depressive and/or hypo times it just makes it all too real and I have a hard time looking anyone else in the eye. But, all of my fight that I have in me is based around this idea. I tell myself to shut up, that there is nothing really wrong and it works for me. I tend to resign to the overwhelming memories and thoughts of depression mostly, and hypo too.

the realness of it is too much a lot of times for me to grasp.

[Mollywisk]

Wildflower child, Is there a support group for spouses and significant others? Your post touched me. Years ago when my husband was going through a severe depression, I didn't understand. I tried, but I didn't. I'm sure I thought some of the things your husband does now.

He's able to understand mine now, kind of. It's different than his was.

It seems that your husband is trying, but heck, who understands how we feel but us? And we are trying to get better, it's tough for us to help them understand.

[wildflowerchild25]

He does try really hard he just can't understand the self harm which I can't blame him for.

[Margolomania]

Originally Posted by dumbfounded

Hey, this is my main coping mechanism! Pretending, believing, talking myself into the idea that none of this is real. That I am just like everyone else, and I'm determined to be better than everyone else at it too!

It's triggering for me to try and get a perspective on myself as being a manic depressive. If my mind goes back to the depressive and/or hypo times it just makes it all too real and I have a hard time looking anyone else in the eye. But, all of my fight that I have in me is based around this idea. I tell myself to shut up, that there is nothing really wrong and it works for me. I tend to resign to the overwhelming memories and thoughts of depression mostly, and hypo too.

the realness of it is too much a lot of times for me to grasp.

Dumbfounded, your concepts are interesting, I think I thought the same about one of your other posts. And it's interesting in a way that makes me sit and contemplate >_<

I've actually been doing the pretending thing for several years now, but I usually do it when I'm with other people rather than when I'm alone (when I'm alone, all of that just comes rushing out!). I take the concepts that people have about me and that, thanks to therapy, I've come to see that I agree with too. They think I'm jolly? Ok, I'll give them jolly. They think I'm strong? Yup, I'll take care of things like a strong person would. And like you said, it works! It helps, not only with getting by but also with establishing your own identity. With all the crazy moods and, for some people, hallucinations and psychotic breaks... it can get really hard to have a grasp on who we really are. The only time the pretending bit me in the ***** later on was when I was really depressed but I still somehow managed to keep it to myself, even from close friends. I could cry in public, literally with people around me. I just put my head down for a minute, take a deep breath, then muster up a smile in the next minute... pretend that I had a quiet sneeze or cough.

Perhaps, the concept of pretending (to yourself) that it isn't real though like what dumbfounded has stated is helpful because, in a way, it's not really pretending. You ARE ok, we all are. It's just our minds and the chemicals and neurotransmitters being drunk up there that makes us believe we're not ok. So in a way, that's you pushing it back and going, "No! You shut up, I'm not depressed, I'm fine!"

I might be getting lost in my own words here so please let me know whenever I'm not making sense >_<

I'm really not recommending my coping strategies for anyone else. They are based on running from the problem and I'm trying to change that.

[Margolomania]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

I'm really not recommending my coping strategies for anyone else. They are based on running from the problem and I'm trying to change that.

I get that. But perhaps it can be turned into a more positive strategy. Rather than pretending the problem isn't there, one could instead embrace the reality of the problem, but also be aware of all the other realities accompanying it. Like with depression, I could feel like all my friends hate me. The depression is real, the thoughts and emotions felt are real. BUT it's also part of reality that my friends care for me and love me, and that my brain is just working in ways that's making me believe the opposite.