Yay me! I love my blog!

I started it to keep from blowing up the threads in the mornings while still getting it all out.

one thing I did not expect is the clarity and good writing style that I have had with it so far. It's like I am typing to someone who has no clue about my condition, and it's really helping that way... So as I explain and describe it to the non existant reader that has no clue about me, I am explaining to myself really and figuring this stuff out!

getting a lot of clarity from it already!

last summer I did not do so well alone. there was a lot of self harm and panic and crisis.

this is the second day of being alone this summer and I have all day here, I'm off work today!

I'm not sure how well it's going to go and it has me worried.

yesterday I did experience a lot of anxiety and I am borderline hypo which doesn't help. It was times like this last year that I would become mixed.

So wish me luck I guess. I'm expecting the best but worried about the worst. lol.

((((landskaperdan))))
Hope that today turns out better than you expect! Is there something special or nice you could do for yourself??
sometimes I go through a magazine and cut out pictures and words and just make a collage, not anything fancy, but just to get how I am feeling OUT of me for a bit...
Or make yourself a treat that you don't have when the kids are there??
just some ideas...

*pushes some good luck your way*

You could clean, play internet games (league of legends is moderately addictive), the sky is the limit!

I am going to go to your blog....... HUGS

Yes! occupy myself. My interests are all outside of the house, but that doesn't mean that I can't find something!

thank you!

let me know what you think... it's all about me getting out what's inside.

Go on bicycle tour, it always sets my mood at right level (not too low, not too high). There is no time for bipolarity in sport! Good luck.

Yup just make a plan, and focus on freedom yay!!! And stop thinking!!!!! Like now! Take a deep breath, push the worry out and inhale the " today is not last summer". Maybe it will be a really good day. Maybe you can relax and enjoy some you time that doesn't include thinking too much, trust me it will be right where you left it. It's kind of a party pooper that one.

Do you still run?

Yes. That's why I'm so active on here. Peeps who understand! that's my plan for now. I'm not even comfortable listening to music as it was one of my big triggers last year

I have trouble day to day too. At least here in michigan, the asphalt isnt melting! I put a load of laundry in so at least I'll have clean underpants. I've been wearing the same 3 or 4 outfits all summer and really I have more clothes than that.

Yeah, I've been recycling my clothes too. Haven't been keeping up with the whole, shower every day thing either. At least I brush my teeth and wear deodorant though

teeth-brushing & daily deodorant sounds good ...
hang in here, post a lot, don't hide in cave (like I do) & stay aware of vulnerabilities--
keep posting!
keep/build support team & use it
... this place keeps me alive
Roadie

so I'm listening to Linkin Park now. It's very neutral for me. but I've heard all of the songs already. I would type on my blog, but I already did that. No way I'm blowing up the forum again, regardless of where my anxiety is.

I know that there is a responsibility for my actions regardless of any illness or condition.

It feels today like it did right before I went in to see the psychologist for the first time. I was in anger management, and they gave me this whole idea that they were there to catch people that were mentally ill to get them out of the system. It turned out that was b.s.... but I believed it and that's where I first realized that I wanted help. I gave every indication that I wanted help, but at that time, all I knew was that I was never right and all of my emotions and everything was bursting out of me uncontrollably.

I had a lot to hide, and everything was amplified, like 100 fold. I wrote the instructor letters trying to explain that I wanted help. But that wasn't her job, but I never gave up hope.

Ugh... the only reason I am posting this is because that feeling, the one that I had back then, well that's how I feel now being here. Not on this site, but being in this house. there are so many memories here of being alone.

and I know I am responsible for my actions. I get that. It's just hard to ignore.

I'm more of a flosser than a brusher! Ever since the dental hygienist told me she flosses while watching tv, at first I was, ewww gross! Then I was, hmmm...

Yeah, that's definitely something that I should start doing.

What are you not saying? It feels like you have a secret. Is it on the blog? Or is it "just" general anxiety?

Would it be wrong to say, that being here alone is kind of like a relief. Where I am free to be myself and not have to worry about monitoring myself or even having energy to get up? I love my family...

Try Black Stone Cherry, it always calms me down. I also liked Billy Talent, but after it helped to boost my panic attack earlier today, I will be more careful when listening to them when depressed.

No secrets. Before, the way that I felt last summer, then I had a lot of secrets. I feel that way now, so that's probably what your picking up on. but I'm an open book now.

Last summer I was self harming, going into crisis mode, anxiety through the roof, but during it all there was an underlying feeling. didn't feel too good... but I feel it now being here.

so maybe that's my secret, the way that I feel? I don't know.

I would say my anxiety and fear levels are pretty high right now.

You are totally not alone, I can't be myself when with someone, so sometimes I need some time just for myself.

Okay. I'll look them up on Grooveshark.

Not to mention, that as soon as I changed my name back, I've had this fear that my wife would log on and read my insanity. See, she won't get that I have stuff going on in my head and that it is ok. I know she would say that I'm not giving her a chance, but she has shown me that if I experience symptoms that she will want me to call my doc and that it will be an issue. I don't want this to be an issue, and I am fine in the end. this is just the stuff that goes along with it. She says she hates surprises, so if she checks up on me here, well, that would be like a surprise.

I feel that is selfish of her. making my condition about her by putting conditions on it lol.

she just needs to let me be me and if I have a hard time with something then just let it be and let me handle it.

ugh....

thoughts running through my head.
wish they would stop.

You never told me what you thought! Did I scare you away lol?

Yes keep up with the forums here i read them for enjoyment and the fact that i may be able to help someone, even if i don't feel too good myself, it really does help helping someone else!