confession...I guess

...so the doctor gave me new medication,

I hated pills because they had messed me up so bad

...but I dropped my pride and impossible to get along with self...

and it's been a ride I can tell you...

what I notice most now that I have adjusted?...

I am not angry anymore...
sure I still get the mania and this has been going for days...

and maybe I'm just a little bit worried but I'm ok.

I have been brutal insane furious for at least 26 years

that's too long

like holding in true psychopath for that long has nearly killed me over and over...

suddenly my fury has departed

and what fit's so snug into such an emotional expanse now?

a deep love all sincere for all living things...
it could also kill me too but it's a much better way

it's intense to recover from intimate violence
and experience sensitive silence...

so I am barely the safe side of toxic on medication...

and I'm not surprised it has taken this chemical extent... hell I have tried all the others on the street...

is it just my time?....have I finally been given a break?

I might be able to live now?

all I have been doing until now is dying!

I'm still broken right now...but I am recovered in very gentle pieces

I love that I am not angry any more...
I can be crazy but not in such pain about it

thanks for listening

with love... James

there is more than bipolar...

or less

at least not IT!

yes I have a condition

but it's hardly anything compared to every attempt to control it

this is the real illness

trying to live with the first illness...

there are so many demons laying in wait to consume me to devour me..

and why? ...why are they there?

and not for another person?

being sick has made me vulnerable....and all the gremlins gather around when a person is weak and regardless how much energy I use to suppress them it's a done deal it's too late..

I am compromised and these scumbag evil angels capitalise on my vulnerability..

they never slept when I slept they stayed awake when I was tired and dangerous sneaky disgusting they sat with me when I imagined I was ok it was always a pretence because I knew I was beside agony every moment...

and this is not bipolar...

this is trying to manage bipolar

there is a difference

but I kept fighting...
I seen things I understand but cannot be explained

I turned my sickness on these destructive characters

they never expected that

thinking I would hide and shame ...

but the thing I have been trying to change?

all along

became the perfect weapon do destabilise all the spiritual and personal opposition I have been hurt by.

bipolar is a dangerous experience...

but it is also the weapon to fight this very explicit and hypersensitive experience!

only a few of us are chosen

it is a gift

Thanks for sharing.

...ok this might sound weird

but I only understand the start and the finish

everything in between is safe it's certain..

and yet!?

what the hell am I doing here...flying blind in spaces that don't exist

I live in spaces that ghouls and ghosts hide...

I live where the devil has holidays

the devil forgets I'm here most times...

only because the devil has it's own problems...

we have an understanding... devil leaves me alone!...I leave devil alone!

we met several times and it's better we leave each other alone

...my point is

the only things that can harm us are from within

that's very hard to fathom

especially when we recognise pain so intensely from otherwise from a person or people...

what I am trying to say is that yes the pain is always from outside...

and when living in spaces that are peculiar the spaces where phantoms hide....

emotional captivity

we can feel the pain but we are still safe

the maximum threat of personal demolition

we are still safe

the worst spiritual element of pain is no match for our love

that's why it backs off

..we fly

...hell I don't even know where to start.?!

I am certain I have no animosity

and it's the most unusual and also the most outstanding thing about me...

I don't blame anybody for anything

I can try?...yeah sure I can try

nope!

still run a blank

and it's ridiculous because people have been breaking their hearts to snap me in half for years...

but I notice its just a pass me by type of thing...

it's a bustle an experience

I am surrounded by many more highly activated humans

perhaps un-informed?

my illness has saved me because I am super-aware of the human

I have been so compromised and yet maintained consideration and continued to be so careful...

and the disaster of the public party has dis-integrated around me!

OMG!!...it has hurt me

but I know it's not their fault

so I have blamed myself for understanding things that I didn't expect to

illness increases awareness beyond our abilities...

therefore something else must step in

and illness makes this known too

they don't know what they do

I think Jesus said that

he was right

I read recently, bipolar is like diabetes before insulin. All we can do is treat the symptoms. Keep on your path to wellness.

it was ages ago

nothing like it will ever happen again and I will never forget it...

she had my heart in her hand and she snapped it in half...

I forgive her she didn't know what she was doing

the times alone were supreme!

the absolute audacity that we engaged in this ...

it was beyond both our illness and just pure affection and desire

I am so grateful for what she gave me and what I gave her too

two sick people in love it's a disaster seemingly....

I kept trying to leave

because the damage was increasing...

but my love for her was overwhelming me

she had ultimate control I could not keep up with her..
especially being so compromised myself

she chose to never protect me...

and trying suicide became my only escape

those first few weeks of intimate amazement crucified me later on

it was not her fault

she loved me too

and this I will never forget

she is distant now... but I loved her sideways self..

I dream about her most nights

she will continue to be the loveliest female I have ever had the luxury to know

I forgive her for taking off...

I don't believe I can cope with such intense love and she knows that

bipolar beautiful....

and I miss her like something freaking enormous!

Dubblemonkey, you touch my heart, ((((((())))))

can you settle enough to feel again what felt so good once upon a time?

I am tragically consumed by my past...

I am so very gentle I am remembering everything all at the same time...

I sit here alive and yet I have passed away from the immediate...

I fly through memories like a bird

I float amongst the sensations I had before I am pure freedom

nothing can stop me because I never started all this is history I don't have to move

it is spiritual touch

my emotions hover upon recollect

I chose to embrace the moments that meant so much

I am allowed to

fortune!

I can describe this instant...

how lovable many people are

how majestic is the way many people carry themselves

they are and were the first ones to be themselves...

after a long line of humans

it took so many deaths for us to arrive at this place

we are at a magnificent time in the universe!!

Gods and spirits are all here too

HUGE things are happening emotionally

it's a massive biblical environment...

you don't want to miss this

I will explain this phenomenon...

I only just found out

like immediately right now

it's simple

it's replacing all my self interest with another...

immaculate admiration

I am empty I am filled up with another

that's intimacy it won't work unless I am personally exceeded by another

and this happens when I am gentle and open ready to admire

and it might just come back to me

love is a beautiful thing

that's my aim in life

to promote love....

hell my name is catchlove

so I am in the right spot

I read everything here and you know what?

it is immaculate knowledge...

I understand it you understand it

seen hands

?

we have to hold our hands!

there is nothing we don't identify with

I discovered I am designed to comfort others like me

that is my purpose...

maybe someone out there can take a risk like I do and comfort me

I am only guessing...because I am not used to it...

but I insist on helping others

I am confident that way

gentle

so soft

and how can a body and a freaked out brain be so soft

to accommodate comfort

to be soft and like pillows

the freaked out mind is forced to let go in favour of something not brilliant

...but just soft

and cuddly

it's no mystery

comfort is the most desirable thing

because life is a tired activity

I absolutely adore my bed

I dream in there

it is an emotionscape

sometimes it does not work

but when it does it is superb!

I digress...

gentleness is more powerful than force

I can watch an explosion and identify some violence...

but I was not involved...I am wearing angels undies!

I can explode but it is affection dynamite!

it will cause most to collapse but it's all I got...

it's beyond mania

it's conditioned personality

I hope I can send a little comfort your way, you are in my thoughts.

...thankyou...

it's such a shame that the best lovers are the hardest to get near...

like that everything great about me must cancel itself out just so I can exist!

so I am left with nothing

I am worse just knowing what I am incapable of...

shame touches me in every part of my body

I cry so easily I gasp for breath while I cry

I have to hide because it is too intense

clearly I am sad now despite all my wonderful aspirations

...hell I am still upbeat

I don't fit in any of life's spaces

life's spaces cannot contain me

I miss out on the beauty of everlasting friendship

I miss out on someone knowing me deeply and likewise

I have another purpose

I am so reluctant to embrace it

the universal architect has designed me otherwise to what I want

I have to submit

I can see Gods design I know I am suitable...

but I am scared

because I miss what I can never have

who is going to cuddle me?

no body ever has

nobody ever can

I must be strong

I can guide others to be what I never can be

I am untouchable

Awww, James, your first post in this thread brought me chills. That is unbelievably awesome for you!!!

Just glad I wasn't sipping a beverage when I read that!

I believe I have reached the most important stage in my life...

and I not fooling around here.

exposure to sickness and so much self rejection and dread has been replaced by a gift beyond my wildest dreams...

here goes..!

"I like people"

I see a little piece of me in others now

this translates into empathy

my world has been such diabolical solitude for so damn long...
I have accidentally ignored the most fundamental survival instinct!

company

I have had my reasons but now they don't matter

I want to embrace people

I want to appreciate them and it's much easier that I have an intimate knowledge of shame distrust and dysfunction

I am no longer threatened by people
there is so much to enjoy when in the presence of another
I am not ashamed of this

people are a gift

there is a little bit of us in each one of us

rehabilitation...

what a concept and how even more amazing I didn't have to go to jail ever to make it nearly impossible...

I have been helped by things not of this world
and now I want to give back

I have been very dangerous for very long...
and this is why I have isolated

it's been a hellride of mentally ill rage and tumult

may as well have been hooting around in satan's black leather nappies!
...waving a flamethrower around
and with a shotgun up my butt!

with a million emotional splinters all over my infant struggling limbs...
stepping on giant bits of glass upon my tickly toes...

hitting the day like a psychotic commando!
darting around this way and that pre-occupied with a sensitivity violence!

and most of all?

confused...

dying inside a permanent question?

and very upset without an answer.

I know now... my rehabilitation consists of just calming the heck down

..but! I did not arrive at this myself

like I said....I have been helped by things not from this world
it's happened before but I didn't understand...

oops just lost my thought
but it's ok

Oh James, it seriously does my heart good reading your words (especially the "I like people" one!). I am so happy for you! It puts a smile on my face when, especially lately, that's been rather a challenge. Kudos, and THANK YOU!
Heeheehee -- you did it again!