[Speed3]

Over the last 8 years my Bipolar 1 disorder has become worse and worse with very little good periods. Physically a once slender active person I have become homebound, inactive and overweight. In the last year I have spend thousands of dollars in consultations and experimental treatments. It is if I have now reached end stage cancer with nothing for the pain.

My son's death in January took the last bit of my heart and spirit.

Now the Psychiatric Unit I have had as a refuge for 12 years no longer wants me.

My Psychiatrist of 12 years, although he doesn't say it, has given up on me.

Over the last few days I have been weighing the pros and cons of continuing to live in this body.

My husband has engaged back in life already. He has his work, many friends, he went skiing yesterday and go cart racing today. I just sit around or sleep.

He is a good man that has put up with a lot. It is time to set him free.

[pegasus]

((((((( Speed3 ))))))))

You are grieving, it is only a short time since you lost your son and I'm sure your son would not want you to do this! I know things must be so hard for you right now, grief takes so long but you are here on this earth for a reason. Please, if you don't have a therapist, get one! Keep talking here.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by pegasus

((((((( Speed3 ))))))))

You are grieving, it is only a short time since you lost your son and I'm sure your son would not want you to do this! I know things must be so hard for you right now, grief takes so long but you are here on this earth for a reason. Please, if you don't have a therapist, get one! Keep talking here.

My PDOC is my therapist, but he just falls asleep on me and tells me I am not wanted on the Psyc Unit. He even told me no grief therapist he knows will take me with my bipolar. I feel my son wants me with him.

[pegasus]

((( Speed3 ))) You sound like you need help right now. Please contact someone in real life and let them know what your feelings are. I don't know what the American way of doing things is but I think you need to go to ER. Urgently. Please.

[pegasus]

Suicide Helpline Please take a look, it has lots of useful information.

[minefield]

If you kill yourself your insurance will be nullified I looked into that myself as I'm worth more financially dead than alive.
You are in crisis reach out don't suffer in silence, tell your T how your feeling or write it down and give it to the T. You feeling that the T has given up is their error not yours, you have a chronic mental health illness your T knows there is no quick fix and I'm sure will work to amend that if he knows that's how you feel. Or find a new one because your T is failing you not the other way round. if your psych unit has denied you access they must feel that there input is not helping you. Ask them what your options are and what your new crisis plan should be and if they can help you formulate a plan specific to you. I cant believe that they will turn there backs on you knowing your pain for so long and especially in light of your recent terrible tragic loss. You have been through a serious trauma it may feel like doors are closing on you but push open another. As you research how best to die spend an equal amount of your time looking for help. Tough time pass, tough people go on. To have battled bipolar for so long you are a seriously tough cookie although I can't possibly imagine the pain you are in your emotions will evolve with that annoyingly frustrating element that I hate... time. Take care speed3, I hope you find a ounce more strength and reach out for help, you have every right to be hurting and struggling there is help out there.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Suicide Helpline Please take a look, it has lots of useful information.

Thank you for your concern,
As I said this will not happen today or tomorrow. I have to wrap things up.
The Er I would go to is attached to the Psyc unit that doesn't want me anymore.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by minefield

If you kill yourself your insurance will be nullified I looked into that myself as I'm worth more financially dead than alive.
You are in crisis reach out don't suffer in silence, tell your T how your feeling or write it down and give it to the T. You feeling that the T has given up is their error not yours, you have a chronic mental health illness your T knows there is no quick fix and I'm sure will work to amend that if he knows that's how you feel. Or find a new one because your T is failing you not the other way round. if your psych unit has denied you access they must feel that there input is not helping you. Ask them what your options are and what your new crisis plan should be and if they can help you formulate a plan specific to you. I cant believe that they will turn there backs on you knowing your pain for so long and especially in light of your recent terrible tragic loss. You have been through a serious trauma it may feel like doors are closing on you but push open another. As you research how best to die spend an equal amount of your time looking for help. Tough time pass, tough people go on. To have battled bipolar for so long you are a seriously tough cookie although I can't possibly imagine the pain you are in your emotions will evolve with that annoyingly frustrating element that I hate... time. Take care speed3, I hope you find a ounce more strength and reach out for help, you have every right to be hurting and struggling there is help out there.

For my insurance you have to have the policy for more than 3 years I have, it is covered. My T/PDOC is a ahole. I was shocked when he told me this week the Unit doesn't want me. He has me tied to him by a 12 mg a day Ativan dose. I can't find anyone else to take. Besides I am tired of all this crap. I am 56 and I am just done!

Get a new psychiatrist right away. Contact your insurance company and explain
what has happened. Your chemistry is out of balance, without question, in my view.

Your husband is not over it, either. He is doing the best he can by getting out and
trying to go on with activities he once knew with you and your son. You need to
do the same thing.

Get into a project that is positive. You are overweight. Okay, get Dr. Williams' book Wheat Belly and start there. Change your diet; do something that works out some
of the extreme anger you have related to your son's death. Stop taking it out on
yourself, please.

If you believe that your son is in Heaven with God, then you must also believe that
God has a reason for you to live. It may be a while before that is revealed to you,
but I can think of several reasons for your life to continue:

1. Your husband has begged you not to commit suicide. He needs you.

2. Your life has so much to offer those who are struggling with drug addiction;
get into a group who are active in drug addiction and work with some of those who
are addicted to hard core drugs.

3. Get into a group therapy session if you can.

4. Or try doing some social service help work like caring for children who have been
removed by the courts from their homes and are in need of parenting until other
adoption opportunities are available. You may decide to adopt one before you've had the child for long.

5. Get over the idea that you are somehow responsible for your son's death. You
just are not; nobody has that much control over the life of another. Frankly, you
shouldn't even have control over your own life. You should let God guide you now
until He feels that you are able to stand on your own two feet as your son would
definitely want you to do.

6. Dubble Monkey has told you the truth; his death was an accident, Speed. You
must accept that and know that you have a mother's need to care for children.
You should be doing something to actively help a little child who needs your love
and care, but you've got to love yourself in order to love others.

7. You do love yourself; I know that and so do the others here. You are in the
throes of grief and you need to realize that it won't always be this poignant and
will ease in time so that you can be productive and helpful again.

We've told you again and again that it's one day at a time: one hour at a time if
necessary. Discard anything you have about attempted suicide. Just get it out
of your head and out of your sense of reality, please.

Keep in touch and take care of yourself well, Speed. Watch that diet, read that
book. Take that shower, and give your husband the kiss he wants and needs from
his wife. That will do for one day. Then, we talk about the day after. Okay?

Take care, Speed. I sound mean, but we all need to talk you into understanding
that what you're experiencing is grief; you don't need to even think about death.
We do care; you may believe that.

[Speed3]

Over the the last year I have researched and tried any and all help! There is none left. Just a a retched useless existence.

[spoiltmom]

((Hugs)) can you find a new therapist? I really think your sons death is still really fresh and therapy can help you through it. Most life insurance policies will not pay off in the event of suicide.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by genetic

Get a new psychiatrist right away. Contact your insurance company and explain
what has happened. Your chemistry is out of balance, without question, in my view.

Your husband is not over it, either. He is doing the best he can by getting out and
trying to go on with activities he once knew with you and your son. You need to
do the same thing.

Get into a project that is positive. You are overweight. Okay, get Dr. Williams' book Wheat Belly and start there. Change your diet; do something that works out some
of the extreme anger you have related to your son's death. Stop taking it out on
yourself, please.

If you believe that your son is in Heaven with God, then you must also believe that
God has a reason for you to live. It may be a while before that is revealed to you,
but I can think of several reasons for your life to continue:

1. Your husband has begged you not to commit suicide. He needs you.

2. Your life has so much to offer those who are struggling with drug addiction;
get into a group who are active in drug addiction and work with some of those who
are addicted to hard core drugs.

3. Get into a group therapy session if you can.

4. Or try doing some social service help work like caring for children who have been
removed by the courts from their homes and are in need of parenting until other
adoption opportunities are available. You may decide to adopt one before you've had the child for long.

5. Get over the idea that you are somehow responsible for your son's death. You
just are not; nobody has that much control over the life of another. Frankly, you
shouldn't even have control over your own life. You should let God guide you now
until He feels that you are able to stand on your own two feet as your son would
definitely want you to do.

6. Dubble Monkey has told you the truth; his death was an accident, Speed. You
must accept that and know that you have a mother's need to care for children.
You should be doing something to actively help a little child who needs your love
and care, but you've got to love yourself in order to love others.

7. You do love yourself; I know that and so do the others here. You are in the
throes of grief and you need to realize that it won't always be this poignant and
will ease in time so that you can be productive and helpful again.

We've told you again and again that it's one day at a time: one hour at a time if
necessary. Discard anything you have about attempted suicide. Just get it out
of your head and out of your sense of reality, please.

Keep in touch and take care of yourself well, Speed. Watch that diet, read that
book. Take that shower, and give your husband the kiss he wants and needs from
his wife. That will do for one day. Then, we talk about the day after. Okay?

Take care, Speed. I sound mean, but we all need to talk you into understanding
that what you're experiencing is grief; you don't need to even think about death.
We do care; you may believe that.

I Told my husband twice today how badly I am depressed, his answer just get over it. I have absolutely no ambition or desire to do anything.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by minefield

If you kill yourself your insurance will be nullified I looked into that myself as I'm worth more financially dead than alive.
You are in crisis reach out don't suffer in silence, tell your T how your feeling or write it down and give it to the T. You feeling that the T has given up is their error not yours, you have a chronic mental health illness your T knows there is no quick fix and I'm sure will work to amend that if he knows that's how you feel. Or find a new one because your T is failing you not the other way round. if your psych unit has denied you access they must feel that there input is not helping you. Ask them what your options are and what your new crisis plan should be and if they can help you formulate a plan specific to you. I cant believe that they will turn there backs on you knowing your pain for so long and especially in light of your recent terrible tragic loss. You have been through a serious trauma it may feel like doors are closing on you but push open another. As you research how best to die spend an equal amount of your time looking for help. Tough time pass, tough people go on. To have battled bipolar for so long you are a seriously tough cookie although I can't possibly imagine the pain you are in your emotions will evolve with that annoyingly frustrating element that I hate... time. Take care speed3, I hope you find a ounce more strength and reach out for help, you have every right to be hurting and struggling there is help out there.

They denied me access because I made two complaints. A new head doc took over in July and made some stupid changes. Unfortunately this is the only Psyc unit I can go to that is covered 100% by insurance. Any where else would be expensive. We just spent 6,000 in experimental treatments, 16,000 for a funeral and I might owe the IRS 10,000. I can't afford to go anywhere else.
These are some of the things I have been weighing. Plus I am just damn tired of living.

[minefield]

I just started volunteering for a cancer charity and meeting terminally ill patients who still have fire in their belly and fighting death even though it is close. it has been an emotionally charged situation for me to be in with me being suicidal like you and in hospital all the time with OD's. It has certainly given me some pause for thought. As your mind is made up and as you say it will take time why not use that time to volunteer yourself it may give you pause for thought too and if nothing else it gives you the chance to get value from the days, weeks, months before you take action. I am socially withdrawn also and scared of social environments the cancer journey is surprisingly similar to a mental health journey but with much better support networks. I found myself almost jealous of them which was weird but they are holding my hand and gently introducing me to being with people again. It certainly wouldn't do you any harm. Your age does not mean anything you are unwell and need help and are utterly entitled to get help.

GET A NEW T AND REPORT YOUR EXISTING ONE THAT IS UTTERLY DISGRACEFUL!!! You should never accept that treatment your T is a disgrace to the profession.

[minefield]

Oh just noticed your other reply ... I'm sorry to hear that was their response, I feel for you especially as what you have told us is such a shock. It is not acceptable, can you secretly record your appointment? Get him on tape speaking to you like that? I secretly record on a voice recorder on my mobile all the time only because I dissociate and can't take appointments but you are in the right here!!!

[Insignificant other]

I have been meaning to send you a note for while now .. I know what you are going thru. My eldest daughter was killed in 1995 in a car accident. I've had so many people tell me to just get over it .. I just can't!
You are grieving! Its gonna take time .. lots of time .. it WILL get better I promise, but you will probably never get over IT!
You are a mother .. a good one too from what I've read over the past month. So, please give yourself some time .. pluueese! Give it a year at least .. then if you feel you must leave this screwed up world .. then go! But, dont do that to your hubby so soon after your son's death! It will destroy him and everyone else here and there that literally DO CARE about you .. me included!
Give yourself a shake right now and think about it .. you are a valued member of our society.
Find another therapist/shrink .. this one isnt doing his/her job properly!

[Secretum]

You are so strong and brave for holding on as long as you have. Please don't give up. I understand why you would want to, but you have to hold on. It will never get better if you're not alive to watch things improve.

[BlueInanna]

I hope you'll wait this out. 12mg Ativan / day sounds like way too much. Benzos can make you more depressed. It's very hard for me to watch you want to take your life, I care about you. You are grieving, I know I'd be planning the same if in your position. But please wait it out, you are not on the right meds in my opinion, and you still have things to do on this planet.

No, there's more than that in life, Speed. You know that, too. You're in a state of depression which has thrown your chemistry out of whack.

Please get another psychiatrist and get on one of the newer medications such as Lamictal that will help correct the chemical imbalance and enable you to see things more clearly.

I know you're sure that what you're seeing is correct, but what you're seeing is the correct view of a negative state. There is another correct view, as well, and that is the understanding from a positive emotional state. You can have that again f you will get the professional help of an excellent psychiatrist. Even go out of state to get it if you feel it's necessary.

Take care; let us know how things are and please forget about suicide.

Originally Posted by Speed3

I Told my husband twice today how badly I am depressed, his answer just get over it. I have absolutely no ambition or desire to do anything.

________________________________
Keep talking to us, Speed. These are the things you need to get out.
His statement was one of not thinking clearly himself. It's just one man's
way of trying to make a sadness less painful.

He wants you to get over it, but his mind doesn't operate the way a woman's mind does and he is trying to push it aside, while you're steadily holding on to the deep grief of having lost someone you gave birth to.
TIME is what is going to do that for you. No other person can.

We just need to keep talking to your little child within and help her to
know that she's cared for and that things will be better and better
with time. Give that to yourself. Frankly, you're better off to face
it now than to repress it all and have it be an influence on you unconsciously for the rest of your life.

Getting involved in helping a child who needs it is going to be one avenue for you to feel your being needed again. You have so much to give, but
you must take the time now to help your own little child within to know
that love will come again--maybe in a different body shape and size, but it will be real love because it will be someone whom you are helping to
grow into an adult, as you are now.

[bunnifoo]

Please PLEASE PLEASE FIND A NEW Doctor! Find a therapist! Don't listen to the asshole therapist and go find someone.

June 1 is a bad day for my family. Five years ago my cousin died of a heart attack at age 34. He was my aunt's only child. And she was devestated. I don't have to tell you that. It ripped her to pieces and she's still grieving. Grieiving isn't short or over in a minute, it takes as long as it takes. I know the first year she could barely get out of bed some days.

She couldn't do Christmas things or Thanksgiving. Sometimes when we're all together she has to go in the other room for awhile because her son isn't there.

Try to find a support group for parents who've lost their children or some kind of place where you can grieve and just be sad and be angry and pissed off that life sucks and it's so unfair sometimes.

But please don't kill yourself.

Last January my ex Sister in law committed suicide. I don't know why. I don't know what pain she was in, but she killed herself. A month later her fiance killed himself.

I wasn't close to my ex sister in law but my life is not better because she 's dead. Her families lives aren't better. Her friends lives aren't better. They grieve and grapple and try to figure out what could they have said or done to stop it.

And I've been there. I wrote a letter, I took pills I knew that even though my family would be sad they would be better off without me. But I got taken to the ER and I got to see that I was WRONG. As much pain as I was in and as hopeless as it all seemed death was not better.

Do you have anyone who can be a medical advocate for you? Someone who can help you navigate the system, be there by your side while you make phone calls or make calls on your behalf?

This world is better with you in it. Even if you don't believe it. It is.

[bunnifoo]

I don't know if this could help you Speed, but there's this organization The Compassionate Friends for parents who lost adult children. They have online support groups Home Page – The Compassionate Friends

[Yoda]

Speed, you don't belong in heaven right now. This is not your time to die. Eric Clapton wrote this tender song after his four year old son, Conor, died. Grieve, cry, scream, sleep, run, call me or anything but don't take your life. Your son would not want you to kill yourself, I think.

[newtus]

i agree with those.

the next thing you need to do right now is find a diff pdoc and get a seperate therapist. although have them talk/keep in contact if possible.

find some small thread of what your definition of hope is - somewhere. and build from there. somewhere theres a peice you cant find that may help you off this. whether its in volunteering or the like. but i think you need a different physician/pdoc i mean and a diff therapist since they are the same person right now. thats the first thing id do. find a support group.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by bunnifoo

Please PLEASE PLEASE FIND A NEW Doctor! Find a therapist! Don't listen to the asshole therapist and go find someone.

June 1 is a bad day for my family. Five years ago my cousin died of a heart attack at age 34. He was my aunt's only child. And she was devestated. I don't have to tell you that. It ripped her to pieces and she's still grieving. Grieiving isn't short or over in a minute, it takes as long as it takes. I know the first year she could barely get out of bed some days.

She couldn't do Christmas things or Thanksgiving. Sometimes when we're all together she has to go in the other room for awhile because her son isn't there.

Try to find a support group for parents who've lost their children or some kind of place where you can grieve and just be sad and be angry and pissed off that life sucks and it's so unfair sometimes.

But please don't kill yourself.

Last January my ex Sister in law committed suicide. I don't know why. I don't know what pain she was in, but she killed herself. A month later her fiance killed himself.

I wasn't close to my ex sister in law but my life is not better because she 's dead. Her families lives aren't better. Her friends lives aren't better. They grieve and grapple and try to figure out what could they have said or done to stop it.

And I've been there. I wrote a letter, I took pills I knew that even though my family would be sad they would be better off without me. But I got taken to the ER and I got to see that I was WRONG. As much pain as I was in and as hopeless as it all seemed death was not better.

Do you have anyone who can be a medical advocate for you? Someone who can help you navigate the system, be there by your side while you make phone calls or make calls on your behalf?

This world is better with you in it. Even if you don't believe it. It is.

No I have no one. I tried to tell my husband yesterday how bad I was feeling and he just got mad.

The reality is I am so depressed now, I don't have the energy to end my life.
I guess I had a burst of energy yesterday and thought I could do it. I can't do anything right now. I feel stupid for writing this thread. I am sorry to everyone.
I am so alone. Thank you for all the advice and help.