[Souris]

Been in a major depressive episode for a while...but today was my first decent day in a while.
I feel like I may be heading toward a hypomanic phase though.
We'll see what happens.

Sheesh, what a day. Woke up feeling physically like crap (headache, eyeball pressure, couldn't handle light, elbow trouble and hip bursitis acting up). And agitated! But we had to go out to a place to try to get energy assistance. That was a bust (procedural confusion). Had heavy duty bills bearing down, so lined them up in date/urgency order to tackle. Phone calls to break them into chunks. Head in spacey pain fog, concentration zippo. Still very agitated. Bad day to do, but no choice. Need to not get electric shut off. For starters. (Apt. 100% electric). Car will become unregistered before it gets to emissions testing place (tried, did not make in time). I suppose it is best that that comes first, because if it doesn't pass, the registration and insurance become moot. It's at the "one more significant repair will put it bye-bye" point. TG there's good transit here, because getting another is out of the question. Ahhhh, then there was having to talk to someone about the IRS audit papers that recently "graced" my mailbox that confused and scared the **** out of me with a bill for what is…. at current pay/lack of work days is about 3 months of wages. (And even with the claimed numbers, still well below the poverty line, so wtf are they trying to do to me?!) He had hopeful take on the confusion. Anyhow, in the midst of all the confusion and stress, had a bit of a breakdown and teetered on it before and after as well. I have serious issues with paperwork, deadlines, authority, catastrophic thinking and it spirals fast. Get astoundingly confused.

It feels like open season on me ('cause there's way more than bills involved.) I can't think on it all at once. Only in bits. Guess there is something to be said for having the focus of a flea and dissociation.

SOME sense of accomplishment. Still plenty for next week, but a little better handle on it.
Sorry so long.

[SquishYum]

Originally Posted by manymiles

Need to say stuff, don't want to start a thread afraid no one will respond.


Husband coming home today from trip. Do not want to see his look of contempt when he looks around the house and see it's a mess. Will try to do some work before he gets home and after run kids to this and that practice.


I want to say that I accept that I am mentally ill. It hurts and makes sense. It explains a lot of things. I am a good friend and I'm not capable of the responsibilities of holding a consistent relationship that involves intimacy. I'm sad and have no place or time to let it all out.


Also I want to tell someone in the world that I have come a very long way. Isolation growing up, no neighbors, very very little company over. The "dizzy" one in a group of over achievers. Just checked out more than in, oh well. Then there is the depression, depression, depression and depression. The worst was when everything hurt. There was NO reprieve from the pain. There was no piece on earth. Literally it was like I imagine being on fire would be, it was pain always. Found relief from meds. Very thankful for my Dad, he saw me. Gosh I miss him now and need him more than ever. He'd know he'd get it. He'd know it because of his training as well as by paying attention to me, seeing me


It hurts, I hurt. No one to talk to about this. Been a bit and still haven't shared it. NO one would get it. Nope don't want pity, don't want advice, don't want to hear about xyz their challenge with bipolar so I need to do what they did.


That's the story wanting closeness and not being able to manage it. Before it was not being able to show up, now it is just not wanting to. Not out of depression but out of this isolation that there is this huge part of my life this huge thing that I have learned about myself this year and no one would understand.


Maybe it's too much, but I have held a few people very close. Close enough to be myself and feel loved. I can't fake it if I tried, don't like superficial relationships and make no room in my life for them. If it doesn't seem like we are capable of really sharing, thinking, debating and have an open heart than I'd don't let the relationship continue.


So here with this lump in my throat and this pain in my heart I stand alone with God. But really isn't that all anyone really has. Someone said Life is a solitary journey and how true it is.


yes I have the things that would look like life is good. Folks don't know I haven't had a real kiss in over five years and yes have been married a lot longer. Beautiful kids wonderful home, great community. In the end of life and even now all that stuff is stuff. I live for my kids. Yes I know that is not healthy and it's what I've got


I am really sad today, it could be 1 million times worse. Another day in paradise and how dare I complain. Oh well

Sending you lots of love and closeness.... <3

[Alone & confused]

SUFFERING FROM FLU, OR DEATH BY MUCUS!! I feel like HELL! I would have to "get better"just to feel up to going to the ER!

[Curiosity77]

I went out with a bunch of people from work tonight, and I felt kind of like an outsider. Everyone was including me, but I felt awkward and quiet. I feel like my mental illness is a big secret, and it's on my mind a lot because I've been depressed. I let my fear of stigma keep me from being spontaneous and genuine with people, which leaves me feeling like I don't fit it. I feel so inhibited by my secret,and I used to be so relaxed and free. Plus everyone else was drinking, and I can't drink. If I could drink I probably wouldn't have felt so isolated. Parts of the night were fun, but for the most part it left me feeling inadequate and lonely. I used to be a fun person, now I'm stable, but boring. Now it's 3 am, and I'm wide awake and I don't want to take meds and go to sleep. So restless.

[Moreta]

I have bronchitis, yay. I've been coughing for a week, so I went to the urgent care last night. He gave me a Z-Pak, steroids, and cough syrup with codeine in it. I hope i feel better soon. I haven't been able to use my BiPAP b/c I've been coughing so much at night, so I'm exhausted.

I cant remember if I posted today or not. Had a day of functioning to dropping to non functioning depression. I managed to make it (and fake it) at my work meeting but absolutely crashed after. I got so low and so close to doing myself serious harm. Luckily I have a supportive partner who helped me through the toughest parts and did everything possible to lift my mood to functioning again. I am so blessed to have him. I've just taken the new dopey meds dose, I give it about 40 minutes before I turn into a zombie again. Im not upping it like I should be tonight as the side effects are too bad at the moment, I could not handle any worse. 3 more days to get through until pdoc.

[swheaton]

Feeling okay. Met my new therapist (haven't been to one since 2006). She seems good and I am anxious to get things moving.

[feferock]

Tired yet wired. And a little irritated. Just got out at 730 am from an 8 hour shift where I've become my bosses new hated person. So that was a fun night. My coworker flipped on me and I kinda wanted to throat punch her but then she apologized so I let it go. It's a pretty easy job and a monkey could probably do it but I'm over the people I work with

Fefe(28) -bipolar II
Hubby(28)
Son(8)-aspergers and possibly ADHD and odd
Daughter(5)

[Notnrml85]

I'm seeing red. I get so angry that I can't stand it and I just lose it and start crying. I don't even want to go in public cause I get so upset by the tiniest thing and I don't want to lose it in front of a bunch of random people. Everyone is always telling me how strong I am for the crazy stuff I've had to go through, but what no one ever realizes is that every one of those bad experiences had to do with people treating me in a negative and sometimes abusive way. I don't trust people and I'm so infuriated about being hurt over and over. It's taken control of the last month to the point where I am having to stay isolated so I don't act like a jerk.

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[x_BabyG_x]

Anxiety has gone finally yay! Had such a hard week of it last week. Feeling very giddy I think my wolf is making an appearance.

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[Mickey4333]

Somewhat more depressed today and the intrusive thoughts are worse!! Am to see my psych Dr Wednesday.

[tigersassy]

On my way up. Spending was up yesterday and want to go spend what little I have left on a splurge hobby. Creativity is flying. Want to create create create.

Tig

[Curiosity77]

Just got home from skiing for the first time in 2 years. I still remember how, and I didn't have any falls. So feeling pretty good.

[Cocosurviving]

My yesterday was totally sucked axx. I had to call the police and have my 16 yr old daughter put in a mental hospital. She was suicidal. I received a call from her today and she is pissed off about being in the hospital.


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[swheaton]

Coco, you did a great, brave thing. Your daughter is safe.

[Roblovescats]

I kinda feel like painting again... I haven't in a long time. Maybe this week I will ???

Sent from the dark side of the moon

[x_BabyG_x]

In a great mood If a bit spacey. Happy Monday polar bears!!

Get painting Rob! X

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[feferock]

High as a kite. The er doctor gave me 2 lortab since my pain was so high. Hurt my back doing the lot with all the snow. Kinda stressed knowing I'm gonna have hell dealing with them to get my hospital bill and meds covered. This should be a fun week

Fefe(28) -bipolar II
Hubby(28)
Son(8)-aspergers and possibly ADHD and odd
Daughter(5)

[Moreta]

I found a puppy in the road on on Saturday, and my husband says we're keeping it. She is seriously wearing me out. LOL. I've never actually had a puppy before. I think my other dog finally likes it. My cats on the other hand, don't, but hopefully they'll adjust.

I went up to my mom's last night and cooked her dinner for her birthday that was back on Feb 7th. We just haven't been able to get together since then. We've been so busy. It was nice.

[tigersassy]

So my wife is worried I'm getting to high. And that I won't come back. I'm not sure I understand, but she couldn't explain it. She just said she didn't want to find out. I'm going to stop by the store on the way home and get an at easel so I can paint or draw or whatever. oh and I got called a narcissist. Because I want attention. Oh well. Had a panic attack a bit ago because of work, but I'm mellowing out now.

Tig

[Notnrml85]

I returned a shirt someone bought for me at nordstroms and used the gift card they gave me for some new Mac make-up. It's cool cause I feel like I got to splurge, but I didn't spend any of our own money. So this mixed state is more up than down right now. I wonder how long that'll last.

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[swheaton]

Pretty good day. Went into sensory over load this afternoon...I just wanted everyone to shut up! Now that I am home, it's better

[Notnrml85]

Originally Posted by swheaton

Pretty good day. Went into sensory over load this afternoon...I just wanted everyone to shut up! Now that I am home, it's better

I know what you mean about wanting everyone to just shut up. I've felt like that often lately.

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[SickOfSadness]

Day started off absolutely awful... sensitive to sound & I got punched in the head 2hrs into my shift. Was feeling very frusturated & like I hated everything. I went home in between shifts and took a 2hr nap & was still agitated when I woke up. BUT I started feeling better about 2-3hrs into my 2nd shift. Now I'm trying to fight getting agitated again. I wish I could just not sweat the small stuff. One day.

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