[Notnrml85]

I got yelled at a lot this am. And I actually think I didn't deserve it. I'm depressed, hopeless, exhausted, angry and guilty.

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[charo224488]

Originally Posted by Phoenix_1

I agree completely. I'm tired of the stigma for MI. Why can't we "come out"?

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Thanks so much for your feedback- it helps to talk about it with someone and to be understood. I also don't feel as guilty about feeling that way when I know I'm not the only one.

[charo224488]

Originally Posted by Cocosurviving

I absolutely LOVE the way u phrased it. "Why can't we come out". I sit and listen to so many ppl tell their bleed heart woos. How they hurt, what battles they've been through or are going through. I mean no disrespect but all the while I'm trying to keep from losing my mind, I'm trying to keep from having an emotional melt down, to stay out the psych hospital and to keep my insurance. But unlike them there is VERY little sympathy for me bc I have a MI. I do not have a medical condition. I have a sister with asthma. If she's in the hospital my family will break their necks to call her at the hospital AND go visit her. When the weather is bad they call her and tell her what not to do. They've never once took the time to learn abt MI. Commercials on TV are geared 98% for medical conditions. Society would like MI to stay in the closet and not be talked abt. A lot of families do not help in the matter either such as mine.

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Thanks for sharing your thought on this, too. I totally understand what you are saying about sitting there listening to others struggles while being unable to talk about your own. I try to always be sympathetic and kind, while all the while I feel like saying, "hey, I get that your (insert troubles here) hurts, but I've been thinking about taking a bottle of pills for a few days and I just really can't deal with your issues right now". I often wonder how people would react. It's just exhausting to hide this all of the time. Like you, I also have panic attacks and have since I was about 15. Those are nearly impossible to hide, but I find ways. Big hug to you.

[Souris]

In a major depressive episode still...have been for around a month or so.
Not quite sure...all the days just sort of blend together at this point.
Wishing I was able to go to therapy again.
Wishing I was "normal" and didn't have to deal with feeling so terrible for no real reason.

[Curiosity77]

Today was pretty terrible. There was a situation with a patient at work which was very difficult, and a lot of arguing and accusations among staff. There was a big meeting, and I was getting accused of not caring and some other accusations, which were not true. I'm doing my best with the patient, but it is an ethically difficult situation. It felt awful to have my motives questioned in front of a group of people, even though I believe I did the right thing. Then I got a passive aggressive email from another nurse on my team, which I also didn't deserve.

Then I had to have a meeting with the disability manager at work, because every 3 months they sit me down and question me about my mental health because I was hospitalized a couple years ago. So that's always humiliating. They pretend that they are questioning because they care, but really they are just worried about liability - and I have never had any performance issues. I hate being discriminated against because of mental illness.

So after that I felt totally overwhelmed and like I was going to cry. I'm doing my best, and it seemed like today that wasn't good enough for anyone. Plus I'm still depressed, so I'm taking things too personally anyway.

Also, I stopped Straterra last night, and I'm feeling kind of strange adjusting.

fml

Today is better than yesterday. I still feel pretty hopeless though. The new meds make me tired and yawn a lot. I cant concentrate, my mind is having half thoughts and I get confused a lot. It took me ages to figure out how to turn the air conditioning on in my car today - that is never usually a problem for me. I cant get in to see the pdoc until next week even though he promised to see me today. I suppose I just keep upping the dose of the new meds til I see him next. I know what dose he wants me on eventually, my brain is just so affected by them though, I feel completely retarded.

I want intensive psychotherapy, or some kind of extra group. I have one group tomorrow but it is not professionally run and they gave me bad advice last time that assisted me in being admitted to hospital. I still want to go back because I think some of the "rules" they have are really good, and its all about being normal in society which I think I need. I dont know where to start looking for a new psychologist, I've looked for intensive outpatient groups but there are none suitable within 60kms. Money is a big issue too. I only eat when I have my meds now, which I know is not good for me but I simply cannot afford food with all the medical bills.

Im weak and dizzy, forgetfull and easily confused. I dont think I should be left alone but I live alone and feel guilty when I ask my boyfriend to come and care for me. He works full time while at the moment I do not much of anything besides sit online and go to doctors appointments. I cant even meditate without crying or exercise without getting so dizzy I fall off the stationary bike. My horse is out in a herd so I dont need to feed her but I do check on her a couple times a day, thats a big effort and I feel bad for not working her but I'm barely functioning.

A day of spinning in circles. Had a list. Kept on it. And accomplished basically nothing. Trying to navigate how this (totally new to our previously uninsured selves) healthcare thing works. Ended up leaving a msg at one entity ("Your call is important to us, but you might as well give up and leave a msg!"), not being able to leave a message at another entity ("Your call is important to us, but fuggedaboudid. Try again someday!"), Etc. Did manage to get my meds transferred from un-cooperative pharmacy after confusion about "no refill" left. The meds they'd claimed I'd "picked up" were in fact sitting on their shelves. Yanno, right there with my name on 'em and everything. (Since a go-around last week which is a story in itself.) Success, but at closing time, so tomorrow it is. (Only had any left on account of recently missing a whole bunch of doses -- which wasn't helping anything.) My head got so spinning, thoughts were lost before they managed to be thoughts. All this and more! Finally got to doing a chore that took forever. Only to discover it has to be done all over again.

*"Might" be paraphrasing the automated voices.
**"Un-cooperative", among other things, meaning that we found out that they-- despite their being "in network"-- do not deal with the part of it that reimburses psych meds. Yup, you read that right. WTF.

[FaithlessCat]

sorry to hear this
I know its cliche but it might not be as bad as you think.
From experience things also seem worse in my head than in actuality. I really hope this change for you is smoother than you anticipate.

You are still there underneath all the other stuff ... try to focus on one good thing and start from there. xx

I am having a better day today, the side effects of withdrawal are slowly lessening. I am now down to one every 2 days, if I continue to have 3 more good ish days without vertigo I will go to one every 3 days.

Still very emotional, crying for hours for no reason, but also went for a long walk today. Had to call Hubby to come get me at end of 3k cos I was getting dizzy, and physically found it hard.

[x_BabyG_x]

****. A guy who I've been seeing has all of a sudden started ignoring me for no reason whatsoever and it's eating me up alive. Dr has prescribed some meds for anxiety to help me deal with codeine addiction and sh'ing from anxiety, so at least that's something to fall back on. Wish there was a magic pill to stop you from hurting, I can't be arsed feeling like this.

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[Roblovescats]

Found my daughter's cat laying dead in the middle of the street in front of my house this morning. Been crying with her for two hours now... This sucks.

Sent from the dark side of the moon

[x_BabyG_x]

Sorry to hear that!! x

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[Phoenix_1]

Still depressed. I see my pdoc at 1 pm. I'm hoping for an increase in lamictal. 150 mg doesn't seem to be enough.

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[Mickey4333]

Feeling a little better this AM

[Notnrml85]

Not in a good place right now. Thinking of blowing off the rest of the day and driving to the beach.

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[feferock]

Decent day. Got up early this morning. Got my son up and ready for school. Made him biscuits and gravy. Got him on the bus. Got the diva up and to school even though she woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Went home and played on my phone till time to pick her up. Took her and myself to lunch and library. Came home and cuddled on the couch and watched a movie.

I even cleaned yesterday. Like actual clean. Even vacumm and sweep. I think my husband had a heart attack when he came home and things were clean.

Fefe(28) -bipolar II
Hubby(28)
Son(8)-aspergers and possibly ADHD and odd
Daughter(5)

not doing so well.

suicidal thoughts have returned with avengence- so making it hard to cope.

[Roblovescats]

Planted our kitten in the Earth and covered her with sun flower seeds ... Rest little squiggles we love you...

Sent from the dark side of the moon

[tigersassy]

Originally Posted by Roblovescats

Planted our kitten in the Earth and covered her with sun flower seeds ... Rest little squiggles we love you...

Sent from the dark side of the moon

So sad. Sending happy thoughts your way.

I'm kindda crabby. I want a tattoo and it seems like everywhere I go to check out in person with the hopes of getting it something happens and I can't. Mainly the parlors are too busy and can't fit me in. and in order to schedule they want an outrageous deposit. Then my psych nurse was supposed to call me monday, its wed might as well be thurs because they aren't open now and I haven't heard anything. I called yesterday left a message and sent an email and still nothing which is fueling my deppressed thoughts. Which leads me to part of the reason I want a tattoo which is in replacement of SI. And its a positive word that'll hopefully bring my depression to a close if I see it enough. I'm over this mixed crap. And once again I want to best the crap out of someone, unfortunately that someone is my spouse. I want to pull out my hair.

Tig

[swheaton]

Originally Posted by Roblovescats

Planted our kitten in the Earth and covered her with sun flower seeds ... Rest little squiggles we love you...

Sent from the dark side of the moon

I'm so sorry.

I'm feeling okay today...dealing with a little paranoia at the moment.

[Curiosity77]

Originally Posted by Roblovescats

Planted our kitten in the Earth and covered her with sun flower seeds ... Rest little squiggles we love you...

Sent from the dark side of the moon

My thoughts are with you.

My day was much better today. I'm feeling more level, and less depressed. Work was easier too. Thanks to all of you for support in the last few days. This forum is great.

[Rzay4]

Keeping you in my thoughts, rest in peace kitty.

I'm feeling irritated and sleepy.

[Phoenix_1]

Rest in peace squiggles. You are loved very much.

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[Roblovescats]

Prior to this mornings tragedy I was actually starting to feel a bit better. Last night I stayed after school and tutored my students until 9:30pm. I don't believe in karma. I do so many things for so many people and the thing is bad things are going to happen no matter what... That's life. We don't always bring it on ourselves. We can. But even best intentions can still end with negative outcomes. I feel like I have a bit of a life-line now for my often out-of-whack emotions.... You! My peeps. I take great comfort in knowing I can vent here and get hug after hug. Thank you all of you. I'd be a bigger mess without you. Group hug!!!

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[Axiom]

Fiancé is in hospital because of abdominal pains... I have no idea how to deal with this. I am scared and lonely. I can't live without him.

[otroo]

I have been up since 0700 yesterday. I hope I can sleep tonight.

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