[swheaton]

I do not enjoy taking them. I'm coming off of one as we speak.

[swheaton]

I'm sorry if that came across as waspish..kinda in a funky mood.

Feeling overwhelmed at my new job - - even though it's only part time. There is so much information to learn and so many questions that it's stressing me out a lot. I guess I'll just keep at it and do the best I can (until they let me go for being not up to speed perhaps!). Why couldn't this temp job be an easier, less stressful one? I feel like I can't quit because I need the structure and human interaction.

[Hbomb0903]

Originally Posted by newgal2

Feeling overwhelmed at my new job - - even though it's only part time. There is so much information to learn and so many questions that it's stressing me out a lot. I guess I'll just keep at it and do the best I can (until they let me go for being not up to speed perhaps!). Why couldn't this temp job be an easier, less stressful one? I feel like I can't quit because I need the structure and human interaction.

I need to get a job but am so scared because I feel so alienated and overwhelmed in public. This is not like my "normal" self at all, as I'm easy to get along with and like people mostly. I will be going through a temp agency when I do finally get back to work.

Keep at it. You are making yourself do it and eventually you will feel more comfortable with it once it becomes more familiar. I commend you and think you're awesome!

[Standup2me]

Everyone stop what you are doing for 30 seconds, and look at your hand

Isn't it beautiful. Fingers extend, mucles react, we flex, grip, wave hello, wave goodbye, so amazing
.
We're all beautiful in so many ways

[Moreta]

Paranoid all afternoon. Called pdoc. Upped my Geodon. Not sure how I feel being on 320 mg of it. I think I'll just take 160 am/pm. I hope it helps. Hope to get to sleep early tonight, but I make no promises.

[Phoenix_1]

I don't know why but I still can't make myself go to the grocery store. On Monday I went to my hair salon, yesterday I went to the corner store, and today I went to have my eyes tested and buy new glasses. I don't know what the big deal is with Safeway but every time I think about going I have a panic attack. Very strange. It can't be the money I'll spend there because my new glasses were 2 pairs for $700. ????? I just dunno.

Sent from my Samsung Note II using Tapatalk

[tigersassy]

I'm probably going to regret things said today and the past few when I come down, but oh well don't ask my opinion then. Our don't involve my wife. Keep your own closets closed I'll worry bout mine.

Tig

[Roblovescats]

I need a nap.

Sent from the dark side of the moon

[charo224488]

Originally Posted by swheaton

I'm sorry if that came across as waspish..kinda in a funky mood.

No worries- it didn't come across badly!

[charo224488]

Thanks everyone that answered if you 'enjoy' taking benzos. I got in a bit of an arguement with a psychiatrist that writes a blog- this one was 'is your klonopin or xanax killing you?'. I hope some of you read it. He really pissed me off, saying that patients with anxiety are 'rewarded' with benzos and then another guy disagreed with him he was so rude to- he told him to re-read the blog without his anger at someone who was putting down a drug that he 'enjoyed' taking. I told the dr. that I took issue with what he said, that benzos are not a 'reward' and that most people do not 'enjoy' taking the meds. He basically laughed at me and told me that if I really believe that most people don't enjoy taking benzos I need to spend more time in recovery forums. I knew I was right. I take xanax and have for the better part of the last 20 yrs. or so, and I have never 'enjoyed' it. I am ashamed that I have to take it. I try to taper off of it, and sometimes I'm ok for a while but the panic attacks always return and I have to either take it again or cease to function. I have NEVER felt 'rewarded' by a drug. I don't know what this doctor's deal is, but I despise him. He was so dismissive and conceited and he just reinforces my opinion of psychiatrists! (I know there are good ones, I just haven't ever met one!) These drs. that think they are so much smarter, know so much more than we do- I just want to punch them in the face! I wish he had to live one day in my skin, then maybe he would have an inkling of what it feels like to need xanax. I feel so angry! Anyway, thanks everyone. You've all once again shown me that we are the smart ones, the empathetic ones, the ones with hearts and open minds. I feel lucky to have you all to talk to.

I didn't sleep last night. Not for one minute. Just couldn't shut down. Then the alarm went off. Sucked. Sooooo very tired, I desperately wanted time to be suspended, to be able to get to this business of getting up later (much later! You know, like after sleeping.) Sleepwalk. Sleepdrive. Shortly after starting work though, I was ready for a throwdown.

Have mellowed out since. We'll see how the sleep thing goes tonight, but I'm going to employ meds much earlier in the game. I tend to hold out too long, then am too out of it when it is time to get up. (Which… I always am. Just worse.)

(Oh, and on the benzo question. I've had xanax PRN for a few years now. I don't take it regularly, and little at that. I don't really grasp where "enjoy" comes into it. My psych knows full well she could set a bucket of them in front of me and I'd never abuse them. Reward? For what? I'm very thankful to have a psych that knows me well enough to not treat me as some mindless statistic. TG I have them, because when I need them, I actually need them. I'm a real holdout.

As far as recovery forums being a basis for reasoning…. Really? Where does the line get drawn? And who is it to decide? Maybe we should talk caffeine. What about refined sugars? There's all kinds of things that people have trouble with. Doesn't mean everyone does.
To me, the core of the issue is this: It is stupid to have a substance proven to work and then across the board refuse to employ it. Case closed.)

[Curiosity77]

I saw my therapist today. I enjoy going, but I tend to leave a little confused and thinking about the interpretations he gives me. I won't be able to see him for 6 weeks because he is going away, and then I will be taking a course so I can't make it to my regular appointment time. He said I should email him anything that comes up, and we can look at the emails next time I see him. I'm still processing the session, but I'm feeling torn and ambivalent. My therapist and pdoc have very different interpretations of the cause of my problem. T thinks trauma and neglect in childhood, and pdoc thinks bipolar as a brain disease. T thinks with enough therapy I can learn to take better care of myself. Pdoc says if I stop meds and have stress, another episode could happen. T says that I shouldn't talk about it that way, because episodes don't just happen - he said I can choose to say I will never repeat the behaviors again. He thinks it's important to use language that way so that I have agency over what happens, and I'm not just at the mercy of unpredictable brain chemistry. It's very confusing for me to develop a working narrative when I am getting such conflicting interpretations. But I like both of them, and I don't know who I should choose to believe.

I've posted about this on here before and got a lot of feed back, mostly from people who think my T is crazy and I should listen to my pdoc. It is so much more complicated than it seems. I don't really know how to explain... I know that the methods my therapist wants to use are not traditional and trusting him is risky, but I feel compelled to take the risk. He once told me that I am counterphobic... so maybe it's my counterphobic tendencies at play here. I don't want to live a life that is just safe and stable. I want so much more. I think my therapist understands what I want. Pdoc only understands the goal of reducing symptoms and improving function, she doesn't understand my existential problems. She doesn't understand that I am searching for meaning and intensity, and that I want my life to be an adventure.

I might to be programmed to self destruct... but I want to do it in interesting ways. Living safely is soul destroying in it's own way, so regardless of what I choose it will be difficult to remain intact.

[Roblovescats]

Sometimes I write my thoughts here and just delete them because I feel like its best if I just shut up. Not anything about anyone else just me. I suppose it's a cathartic way of venting without inflicting others with my mindless ranting about myself.

Make no mistake I appreciate reading about others...

Sent from the dark side of the moon

[kala83]

My bipolar is kicking my ***, lately and it's making self hate myself a lot. I think I might need to get new mood stablizer

Feeling lost, hopeless and alone since getting booted out of my temp job yesterday (trained for two days and kept telling the trainer how overwhelmed I was feeling about it all). It's pretty much 8 months to the day since this depressive phase began. I wish I had the guts to go through with ECT. Two of my oldest friends (from childhood) keep encouraging me to go for it, but I'm just too scared.

[Standup2me]

Today I feel great
Immortal
Strong
Beautiful
Free

I love the world in which I love

[Moreta]

Upped my geodon today since my dr told me too. Feeling less paranoid so that's a plus. We went out shopping at work so that was fun. Found out that I might be here till June. Yay.

[LaborIntensive]

Originally Posted by newgal2

Feeling lost, hopeless and alone since getting booted out of my temp job yesterday (trained for two days and kept telling the trainer how overwhelmed I was feeling about it all). It's pretty much 8 months to the day since this depressive phase began. I wish I had the guts to go through with ECT. Two of my oldest friends (from childhood) keep encouraging me to go for it, but I'm just too scared.

Go for it I have read many good things about the treatment. Plus, no pills!

[Sad&Bipolar]

I was very manic last week, and now I have crashed down to the depths again. I feel like my head is too heavy for my neck. I wanted to find a live chat last night, but all I could find was a prevention hotline and the person there wanted to send the sheriff to my door. I was mortified. I am glad I used a cell phone and not my home phone.

[charo224488]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

I saw my therapist today. I enjoy going, but I tend to leave a little confused and thinking about the interpretations he gives me. I won't be able to see him for 6 weeks because he is going away, and then I will be taking a course so I can't make it to my regular appointment time. He said I should email him anything that comes up, and we can look at the emails next time I see him. I'm still processing the session, but I'm feeling torn and ambivalent. My therapist and pdoc have very different interpretations of the cause of my problem. T thinks trauma and neglect in childhood, and pdoc thinks bipolar as a brain disease. T thinks with enough therapy I can learn to take better care of myself. Pdoc says if I stop meds and have stress, another episode could happen. T says that I shouldn't talk about it that way, because episodes don't just happen - he said I can choose to say I will never repeat the behaviors again. He thinks it's important to use language that way so that I have agency over what happens, and I'm not just at the mercy of unpredictable brain chemistry. It's very confusing for me to develop a working narrative when I am getting such conflicting interpretations. But I like both of them, and I don't know who I should choose to believe.

I've posted about this on here before and got a lot of feed back, mostly from people who think my T is crazy and I should listen to my pdoc. It is so much more complicated than it seems. I don't really know how to explain... I know that the methods my therapist wants to use are not traditional and trusting him is risky, but I feel compelled to take the risk. He once told me that I am counterphobic... so maybe it's my counterphobic tendencies at play here. I don't want to live a life that is just safe and stable. I want so much more. I think my therapist understands what I want. Pdoc only understands the goal of reducing symptoms and improving function, she doesn't understand my existential problems. She doesn't understand that I am searching for meaning and intensity, and that I want my life to be an adventure.

I might to be programmed to self destruct... but I want to do it in interesting ways. Living safely is soul destroying in it's own way, so regardless of what I choose it will be difficult to remain intact.

I think that they will always have their own interpretation because of how they work and what they treat. Body vs. mind. I can't handle seeing more than one dr. and your post explains better than I can why. If I choose to listen to one, I feel I'm betraying the other, and vice versa. I also tend to talk bad about each one to the other for some reason- I don't know why I do that. (I have more than one boss and I do the same thing with them- then I feel horrible about it. Good thing they don't really speak to eachother). So, I just stick with the family dr. and try to get him to understand the mind part of it, which he tries to. Best of luck to you.

[charo224488]

I feel awful today. Sick, shakey, exhausted. I don't know what happened- I haven't played with meds. I have had some asthma issues because of the stupid mold outside with all of the rain. Maybe the inhaler is making me like this? I'm also not sleeping enough, I know, but usually that doesn't bother me. I had a major panic attacking driving home from a restaurant tonight, and I'm still shaking. In the back of my mind is my mom's 5 yr death anniversary is coming up soon- maybe that's it? That's a whole long story in itself, she was bipolar and borderline personality and the meanest woman you'd ever meet. She died early, in her 50s of MS, and it was a blessing in a way but also ended my chance to ever have a decent relationship with her. No one ever did, but I thought maybe if I tried harder... anyway I guess it's bothering me more than I realized. I'm so tired.

Couldn't stomach the thought of meds last night. Or this morning's (did take later.) Got to p/u my mood stabilizer in a generic I'd had before. The previous fill was a mfg that didn't work so well. BF said I underestimate how much(!) And said I really should start keeping a mood chart again. Sigh. I've thought the same. Later made a long put off phone call, then a current one. These both got me pretty anxious and wound up. Then we've had these moths and they were wigging me out. By then I was truly a case and talking a mile a minute and jumping at absolutely everything. Even at… dust?! I thought they were very very tiny bugs I'd never seen anywhere before, but…far more likely it was dust. Good times. Sheesh. Wasn't too nuts about heading out into public at that point. But at least there weren't any moths out there (the 1/2 benzo probably helped too… and BF going with me. You do all the talking, I'll be busy trying to look "normal".).

Sleep Weds: zero TH: 3 1/2 Tonight? Dunno, but it's 5 am and think I'm tired enough to sleep. We'll see, but yeah, I'll be knocking myself out just to be sure, because this hasn't been going anywhere good...

[Moreta]

My head is pounding and it feels like someone has punched me in the thigh.

[SillyKitty]

Out of inpatient, headed to outpatient, feeling very hopeful!