Depressive phase continues with a vengeance. I'm barely holding on.

[tigersassy]

Hate being like this. Finished all my work for the day by like 8 this morning started at 6. Since then I've been doing extra jobs. And learning. This is going to suck when I crash and can barely get my regular stuff done. Kindda paranoid that someone its going to find out.

Tig

[Notnrml85]

Already have been in an insane mixed state for about 2 weeks, but now I have the lovely addition of pms and cramps and a backache. I guess I should stay away from people for the next week.

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[Phoenix_1]

Still stuck at home. I have to go to Safeway really soon - I'm almost out of coffee and the price at the little store is atrocious. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and put my social anxiety on the back burner. Maybe I can talk a friend into going with me.

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[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

Today was a pretty good day. I feel like i might be coming out of depression. I'm tempted to go and do some crazy stuff to make myself feel more alive, but i'm home and babysitting a 3 year old, so i think it will be a mellow night.

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I hope your "coming out" the depression. I remember the feeling and how I felt when I "came out". It felt good to be out. The feeling of suffering being over is a weight lifted off. Enjoy your mellow weekend and know we're pulling for u.

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[Cocosurviving]

TGIF. I completed a lot today...errands. Refilled my meds. Went to wash my car. I lost my cool and cuss a lady out but it was at the end of the day. I went home to rest afterwards.

My oldest daughter is still inpatient. I spoke with her this evening and went over a few ground rules. Tomorrow she will be allowed to leave for a few hours on a good behavior pass.

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[Roblovescats]

I really want my day off to actually be OFF tomorrow ... Nope. Leaving at 7:00 am to go spend my day there ... Eesh! I'm going to sleep!!!

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[Curiosity77]

I went to a conference about neuroscience today. There was some interesting information about new and experimental treatments for mood disorders and addictions.It was pretty cool. Some of the highlights were ketamine for treatment resistent depression, and ayuhuasca to treat addiction. There was a lot of discussion about neurochemistry and psychopharmacology, and i really enjoyed that. There was also interesting discussions about the role trauma plays in developing psychiatric illness.

My mood is much better. I'm not sure if i'm getting to stable, or getting elevated, but for now i like it. I have some somewhat grandiose ideas about starting a business, thinking of starting an addictions and mental health treatment center in the carribean with alternative medicine practices, like integrative energy healing, psychadelic therapy, horse therapy, etc. I'm looking into doing this with my psych nurse friend, who is also bipolar. It's just an idea right now, but it would be amazing if we could make it happen. i'm getting connected to apprentice to do psychadelic therapy, but i won't start right away. This is connected to a research study, and there is a legal exemption to use these medications experimentally. If it works out i could maybe stop nursing and make a career shift. It would be a related, but different field. Kind of exciting possibilities, but all in the idea phase now.

I've been doing some sketchy stuff with online dating, but trying to stay out of trouble, and i bought a lot of clothes today. All of this could just mean i'm feeling better, or could be the start of hypomania. Sucks to have to second guess and doubt feeling good. Oh well, for now i'll just enjoy it.

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[Moreta]

I woke up tonight with heartburn so bad, I thought I was going to hurl. I took some zantac, so it finally subsided.

I've been beating myself up about everything lately and I'm not sure how to stop. I just worry about everything. I think I see my t this week, so hopefully she can help. I'm not depressed, just anxious about everything.

Back in hospital. Nurses are nicer to me this time, I guess because I am more of a brain dead zombie than a hysterical crying chic.

Body feels like lead, getting up is such an effort. They want me to change rooms at some stage but keep me on the high care ward. I dont want to unpack anything if I have to pack it all up again tomorrow. I feel very unsettled and obviously depressed.

I have a few suicide plans in here but Im kinda scared to tell the nurses... I worry they will transfer me to a locked ward and that would be worse than death. But Im supposed to tell them about these thoughts. Kinda stuck with what to do about that.

I havent told many people or my family I am here. Too brain dead to make conversation with friends anyway. It was hard enough over the last week trying to hold a conversation with my partner. He needs a good break from me, this will give him that chance. He turned up at my house at midnight last night as he was so worried about me and couldnt sleep without checking on me. I was so out of it I thought it was a dream but my neighbour assured me it was real as she heard the motorbike.

Hope the rest of you are doing better than me. Its hard to concentrate and read, I tend to read the same line over and over but to all that are struggling.

[charo224488]

Originally Posted by Supanova

Back in hospital. Nurses are nicer to me this time, I guess because I am more of a brain dead zombie than a hysterical crying chic.

Body feels like lead, getting up is such an effort. They want me to change rooms at some stage but keep me on the high care ward. I dont want to unpack anything if I have to pack it all up again tomorrow. I feel very unsettled and obviously depressed.

I have a few suicide plans in here but Im kinda scared to tell the nurses... I worry they will transfer me to a locked ward and that would be worse than death. But Im supposed to tell them about these thoughts. Kinda stuck with what to do about that.

I havent told many people or my family I am here. Too brain dead to make conversation with friends anyway. It was hard enough over the last week trying to hold a conversation with my partner. He needs a good break from me, this will give him that chance. He turned up at my house at midnight last night as he was so worried about me and couldnt sleep without checking on me. I was so out of it I thought it was a dream but my neighbour assured me it was real as she heard the motorbike.

Hope the rest of you are doing better than me. Its hard to concentrate and read, I tend to read the same line over and over but to all that are struggling.

So sorry to hear you are in the hospital. It must be so hard to take that step to go there when you know you need it. I have never been in the hospital, not because I've never needed it but because I am too afraid of it and also don't feel I deserve the help. I commend you for your courage. I know what you mean about telling the nurses your 'plans'- I struggle with that every time I see my dr.. Once you say it things move so fast and it's out of your control. Maybe wait, see if the hospitalization helps and the plans are put on the back burner. Big hug to you- take care and feel better. Thanks for sharing your experience.

[MagicsMom]

I agree with Charo. You should be proud of yourself.

I'm out of the black depression with the med change. I feel pretty normal but don't know what to do with myself. It's a beautiful day and I should be outside but my husband is too caught up in his D&D game. I left my kindle at the psych's office so I can't even read.

[Moreta]

I went grocery shopping today, and healthy food is so damn expensive. I spent $120, but at least I got food for the whole week. I have gained so much weight back from eating out all the time and drinking coke. So back on the diet I go. Bad food just tastes so good.

I got some more sleep today, but I'm still so damn tired.

[x_BabyG_x]

Ended up in A and E again after my anxiety got that bad I tried driving myself, my two year old daughter and my mum to the airport (without passports!??) ended up getting lost on the way and had a massive freak out in a supermarket in the middle of nowhere instead. Had to abandon car and they sent an ambulance to fetch me. They then proceed to treat me like **** when I got in the hospital and then sent me home hours later after deciding the best thing for me would be to send me to psychiatric therapy. No ****. This week SUCKED.

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[charo224488]

I am so manic, everything seems to be moving in slow motion. Went shopping and felt like I was in the store for hours, but it was only minutes. Find myself running like some kind of moron because I can't get places fast enough. Talking so fast that no one can keep up which is so annoying. This med sucks. Now I have to take my mg. of xanax or I won't sleep, which will cause me to have horrific dreams and wake up sad. Watched Silver Linings Playbook this morning for the first time- I loved it but was so depressed by the end that I was sobbing. It ends happy, so I don't know why. Then once I got moving, I couldn't stop. My eyes burn from exhaustion but my body just wants to move faster and faster. This is so insane.

A day unlike any other. It got way too intense and out of control. Ok now. Going to have a nice shower and relax and watch something funny.

[Roblovescats]

Well I had like a pitcher of margaritas so I feel pretty good. Hate my life but oh well I'm drunk so who gives a s it!!!!

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[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

A day unlike any other. It got way too intense and out of control. Ok now. Going to have a nice shower and relax and watch something funny.

I'm just gettin started! Had to deal with my obnoxious, drunk ex husband! Fortunately, no one got hurt, and I didn't go to jail! Made me a tall, stiff drink when I got home.

So agitated. The nurses are awful to me. They assume Im borderline because I have scars. NEWSFLASH Bipolar people can self harm too. I dont even fit the criteria for borderline at all but they think it gives them the right to treat me like **** and make me out side their station without toilet or lunch breaks. Dont ever go to hospital if ou can help it. So not worth it. Much better off at home. If I was at home I would be dead by now and this would all be over with.

[Kittie Kat]

I've been stuck in a deep depression the last few days. Sleeping from 6:00 am--6:00 pm. Can't make myself do anything, like shower, brush my teeth, do laundry, go to the grocery store. I've also been ignoring/avoiding all calls and texts. My brother got worried about me, so I finally texted him back saying I was okay. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I just feel so worthless. I've had a series of external disappointments, the most recent one sending me into this depression a few days ago. I'm going to stay up for the next day, so I can get my sleep schedule back, at least. I'm hoping to be able to force myself to do productive things tonight/tomorrow morning.

Really really agitated. I think coming off the meds is making things far worse than they have to be. Feeling like I want to smash things up and SH to a very dangerous point. But that will be a one way ticked to a locked ward and I dont want that, its the only thing keeping me from doing it, I keep convincing myself that I do not want to make my circumstances worse. Very very very hard to keep myself under control though. I want to hurt myself because I cannot deal with the hurt inside, I need the release and the comfort. But it is a good thing Im in hospital and not at home because I would have done a lot of damage at home.

[Notnrml85]

Goin to the zoo with a bunch of family. I like the zoo a lot, but I'm bringing a few klonopin just in case someone pushes me to a breaking point. I don't want to end up looking like the jerk when I flip out over something small. When I'm around other people lately it's like every word that comes out of their mouth is a negative comment about me, even if it is passive aggressive or even backhanded compliments. Wow, I must be super narcissistic to feel like everyone even thinks about me that much. I don't think people care or think about me that way. The mania part if this mixed episode convinces me that I'm the center of everyone's universe. And the depressive side of this episode says "wow your nuts! No one thinks about you ever."

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[Roblovescats]

I remember why I don't ever get drunk... Or really hardly ever drink for that matter. I'm not a good drunk! I'm very annoying. And inappropriate too.

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[x_BabyG_x]

I ****ing hate men.

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[MagicsMom]

Me too BabyG. My husband I being an absolute jerk and I've been hiding in my room all day - not because I'm scared of him - he's just being a jerk. I'm hypomanic right now and he would irritate me normally but now I'm trying not to rip his face off.