Bipolar Daily Check-In Thread #4

Hbomb0903 · Mar 27, 2014, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Notnrml85

I've always been into all natural/safe/non-toxic cleaning and beauty stuff, but I've never really spent any time learning about it.

Yesterday I spent not hours, but the whole damn day researching DIY all natural, safe and non-toxic recipes for health and beauty products and for cleaning products.

Today so far I have scribbled down a full on business plan for a shop that caters to People who want to use these DIY products or for people who want to buy all the ingredients and make their own stuff at home. Sounds like fun right, unfortunately no matter how much amazingness could come from actually following through with this ridiculously manic idea, I know the second my depression hits I will be worse off than ever having all that responsibility and none of the drive or passion I feel right now.

Do I ever get to do anything amazing without being worried that when I'm low I won't be able to handle it? I've always dreamed of being an entrepreneur and I've taken a few business classes in community college, but I just feel like it would only work when I'm manic. And any other time it would be a huge chore and a burden.

I wonder if there's a way to induce mania and stay there as long as you like? Although then I'd be snappy and quippy to everyone I talked to and everyone would think I'm a witch with a B and then of course eventually I'd have no customers just like I have no real friends left.

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I can't tell you how many times I've done this very thing and then gotten into it and crashed. It's embarassing and disheartening. I'm not sure what the solution is. I always thought I'd be "great" too.

jack123 · Mar 27, 2014, 06:05 PM

Out of hospital today after 3rd time this month. I think we are on the right meds now and feeling good Now have to decide about job and where to go from here. I need a job that has regular schedule so I can rest and sleep like I am supposed to.

Mar 27, 2014, 07:02 PM

Feeling low and hopeless. Its just a matter of time before this comes around again. And there is nothing anyone can do about it. Nothing anyone can do to help me, they've tried all they could in the past but it hasnt worked. Cant wait to get out of this place to go home and at least be somewhere quiet and comfortable, and get my meds on time when I have eaten and not so long after that I get sick. Sick of this ward, sick of group, sick of life.

Curiosity77 · Mar 27, 2014, 11:09 PM

I'm feeling kind of lonely and insecure. I'm not really depressed, more just feeling bad about myself and comparing myself to other people. 2 of my friends recently told me they are pregnant (both 10 weeks), and one of my other friends just got back from eloping in Thailand. I am really happy for my friends, I think it's great. But it also makes me feel like a failure because I'm divorced and have no kids. It seems like everyone else I know is all coupled up, and dating is so much effort and totally depressing. So I'm sitting at home, alone, wasting my life away flicking around the forum and watching netflix. I feel so stuck, but I don't know how to change it. Also, I feel a bit ineffectual at work this week, and work is usually the one area of my life that goes well. If I can't even do well at work, then I really don't have anything. I am grateful to be generally doing OK, and I am very aware that things could be a lot worse, but that doesn't mean things are OK the way they are. I don't know how long I can manage to just exist, but not really feel like I am living.

r010159 · Mar 27, 2014, 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

I can't tell you how many times I've done this very thing and then gotten into it and crashed. It's embarassing and disheartening. I'm not sure what the solution is. I always thought I'd be "great" too.

I did the same. I cannot tell you how many times in my life this has happened. I ended up with lists and a list of lists. When I came down, I threw the lists away. They did seem to be very good and valuable to me at the time I wrote them.

Notnrml85 · Mar 27, 2014, 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by r010159

I did the same. I cannot tell you how many times in my life this has happened. I ended up with lists and a list of lists. When I came down, I threw the lists away. They did seem to be very good and valuable to me at the time I wrote them.

Wow! Lists. Ahh. The most comforting thing in the world (besides good food). When I make lists they are extensive and elaborate and usually involve me researching some new subject quite thoroughly. At least I'm learning new things I guess. My husband has told me that when I get into my list making kind of hypomania then I can't focus on anything else. It's like I get obsessed. Then after the hypo manic episode is over... I put away the composition notebook full of awesome ideas and research and lists and it's like it never happened.

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Mar 28, 2014, 01:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

I'm feeling kind of lonely and insecure. ... I don't know how long I can manage to just exist, but not really feel like I am living.

That pretty well sums up where I am too. It's a different situation of course, but the long and short of it is so much howling into the void. Cumulative things that are crushing my soul. Feeding into a downward self-esteem spiral. And fed by. It's a vicious circle. I'm not depressed per se, just seriously losing hope in areas that really matter to me. It's not that I don't appreciate what there is, I just wish what I desperately need actually mattered in the mix.

Quote:

Originally Posted by swheaton

I just started wearing progressives a couple of weeks ago. It's tough.

Ok, now on a lighter note.

…. I've had them a couple of years. Once, early on, I'd worked a graveyard shift, so decided to do some grocery shopping on the way home. You know, about 6 am. Whoa. Did that stuff in the case just move? Then later, canned goods. I thought it was some kind of weird-***** hallucinations. (I've had some perceived motion issues with those shifts, so... disconcerting, but not unprecedented.) Then I realized what it was and just stood in the aisle laughing like an idiot. Shift head, hahaha. Swoop. Hahahaha. Right there in the aisle in fluorescent rain gear. Must've been quite a sight.

Hbomb0903 · Mar 28, 2014, 07:32 AM

Supposed to go to inpatient today and I'm terrified. I mean its like, what's the point. Nobody has a magic pill and no one is going to "take care" of me... and unfortunately I have proven over and over that I'm no good at maintaining it on my own??? I just want a life like "normal" people have. Go to my kids school events and sporting events, be there for them, have friends that I can be maintain relationships with, have a healthy relationship, get a career???

I'm feeling defeated and sad. Life wasn't supposed to be like this.

x_BabyG_x · Mar 28, 2014, 07:42 AM

Been asleep most of the week so if anyone's wondering why I've been quiet I'm not being ignorant! Took some Tramadol on Monday and it's totally set off a crash. I'm knackered and low but trying to keep up the positive spirit

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tigersassy · Mar 28, 2014, 08:53 AM

Seroquel is making brain fuzzy and no fun. I can't focus for beans. But pcp said no more zyprexa as I was turning to sh thoughts. So back on seroquel I go. Everything in my head is trying to rhyme. Today I just want to go back to sleep. Not deal with people. I hate feeling like this.

Tig

Phoenix_1 · Mar 28, 2014, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nowIgetit

I have to say I am kind of surprised by how much religion is mentioned here! I think I would slap someone in the face if they told me any of my problems were a result of a religious shortcoming, even if I was totally stable!

At my lowest point in 2009 my daughter told me that I wouldn't have any problems if I had "Jesus in my heart". I went ballistic. I had just left a very abusive marriage and moved into my new apartment without a stick of furniture and no money to buy any. I didn't even have a bed and had to sleep on the floor. I was extremely depressed, and for good reason. It was a long time before I spoke to her again. Since then she's backed off with her religious evangelism ****.

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Mar 28, 2014, 09:49 AM

I chickened out of ECT for the third time for my long-lasting depression. I guess it just isn't in the cards for me and I'll have to hope that somehow, some day, this depression will resolve. Meantime, I continue on the merry-go-round of meds and hoping I can work the temp job that may be open for me on Monday.

bumble2u · Mar 28, 2014, 10:18 AM

Not feeling good. A lot of thoughts of the unmentionable. Yet outwardly I would n't seem low quite the opposite. Have an urge to cut off all my fat. So angry at me getting fat. oh how vain ,put a sock in it girl. want to deface me.

Phoenix_1 · Mar 28, 2014, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bumble2u

Not feeling good. A lot of thoughts of the unmentionable. Yet outwardly I would n't seem low quite the opposite. Have an urge to cut off all my fat. So angry at me getting fat. oh how vain ,put a sock in it girl. want to deface me.

I gained so much weight on my psych meds! If I win the lottery the first thing on my list will be liposuction.

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Standup2me · Mar 28, 2014, 10:47 AM

I took a shower today
Voluntarily
Washed and blowed my hair dry

Go me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hbomb0903 · Mar 28, 2014, 11:17 AM

Chickened out and postponed inpatient. Called a private practice that in their little welcome answering blurb mentioned they were the only facility practicing ECT. Woo hoo! That's a shocker

Anyway...i feel scared and desperate and want things to get better NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW. I know it doesn't work that way, but I'm so sick of feeling nothing.

I told my mom to ignore any attempts to avoid going to the hospital tomorrow. I am trying something as opposed to rotting here in my apartment.

tigersassy · Mar 28, 2014, 02:28 PM

Brain fog gone. Now I'm zoom zoom. Don't know what I'm going to do when I run out of things to do. Oh well. I'll think of something. Currently baking. Then going to wash dishes or paint or write or sing and dance or all of the above at the same time. Music gotta have music. Over the moon until I take the next dose of seroquel.

Tig

Unrigged64072835 · Mar 28, 2014, 06:06 PM

Been having serious behavior issues with teenager so it's been a fun few days. NOT.

Hopeful Camel · Mar 28, 2014, 06:51 PM

I'm having one of those weird NORMAL days. Totally feel normal. I've slept 8-9 hours the past two nights. Worked past two days and started talk therapy. I have programed my cell phone to set alarms to keep me on a regular schedule. I think it really helps.

updown · Mar 28, 2014, 07:46 PM

Rough week of insomnia for me, can't sleep until 5-6 am. Been feeling slightly motivated the last two days though, I'm trying to find ways to better my outlook and attitude. I've been stuck in a depression for too long and there is too much to be grateful for and live for.

Nevertheless I continue to bounce between optimism and pessimism, such is life, such is bipolar. Nothing is ever perfect and I have realized recently that I have to work really hard to grow, heal and just remain stable at times.

Cocosurviving · Mar 28, 2014, 08:06 PM

I'm stressed bc my mom is extra stressed. I hate seeing my mom cry. I wish I could help her bc she's helped me so much. I'm stressed bc my bf is all over the map. I really need him to get on his meds. I'm try really hard to be with him. I start wondering if two ppl with BP can really be together. I take meds and he does not.

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