I miss myself

Hi all, just joined, this is my first post.

I've been diagnosed as bipolar for about 9 years now and I've been very stable for about the last 3. I'm on lithium and a host of other things, but the lithium is really what turned everything around for me. For the longest time it felt so amazing to be stable that I didn't care that I didn't have my manic times, but I'm starting to worry that I'll never be happy again. I'm not depressed (well I am sometimes), I'm just fine. I go out with people and I like talking to them and I like my life but it's completely lacking any of that exuberant feeling that used to come from within myself and just made me feel alive and excited.

I don't even mean the extreme frenzied mania, just the milder feeling of being energetic and capable and just happy basically. It was a feeling that back in the day I didn't even associate with my bipolar disorder, it was just contentment from a fun day out with friends or a little surge of joy after something went right at school/work. I never thought of it as extreme then, I mean I definitely had way more extremely elated manic moods, I just thought of it as being happy. Just normal person happy.

But I haven't felt that way for years now. I don't even know myself now. I used to be very creative and fun to be around, and I knew some of that would go away with treatment, but I guess I thought after a while of being "normal" it would come back somewhat. A lot of what I felt defined my personality is gone and I'm slowly realizing that it is going to stay gone.

I just finished my first year of grad school and everyone here likes me and thinks I'm sorta fun, but it's nothing compared to how I used to be. When I'm around my old friends I can tell that I'm not as interesting as I used to be. I used to be so fun and clever, and I'm not expecting to be the life of the party again, I just thought that after being stable a while some of my personality would come back.

I'm afraid to adjust my meds because overall this mix has worked really really well for me and overall my quality of life is very good now. But I miss being actually happy instead of everything just being pleasant. Is this it? Is this how I'm going to feel forever now?

Too long, sorry! Thanks for any advice!

to PC.

I don't have any advice but I know what you are saying.

No apologies necessary. Welcome to PC.

Lithium can sometimes be a little deadening. I quit it for that reason and a whole host of terrible side effects. However it is a good drug that has helped a lot of people. I can understand not wanting to jump on the med merry go round again. If I ever find that stabilizing combination I won't be looking for change either.

Except I know I would because I totally get what you're saying. It's almost like we have a super power we can tap into but we are not allowed to do it. But we also tend to forget how bad things really were then. I mean I do at least. Which is why I write so much - I look back and all the panic and fear and weirdness is written in my own hand so I can see what it was like.

I don't think life has to be just ok. If you don't want a med change then the next best thing is to find something you're passionate about and go for it. If I get stabilize for a good amount of time I will be spending time volunteering for nami or doing anti suicide walks. Maybe fostering kittens again. Anything to give me the pure joy of mania without the danger.

I think it will get better. Someone in my group the other week said it best: "I'll never be the person I was before all of this. That person is gone. Now I can only strive to be some even better than I was before". That helped me so much.

This is definitely not it.

There are different views on everything in life. My view is that life itself is a learning process. I've been diagnosed several times in my life to be bipolar I. I don't take any medication to stay stable. I have had 4 manic episodes in my life and have lost jobs during these episodes, but I'm actually grateful for losing these jobs. The reason is because I'm a very righteous person and as I look back at these jobs, everyone of them forced me to lower my integrity in order to keep the job. I didn't work with bad people and they didn't necessarily break laws, but the actions were very questionable. I didn't want to be the person I was in the past even though I was considered a very good person. I went along with those actions to keep my position, but deep inside I couldn't live life that way. I am now strong enough to be the person I want and need to be. I refuse to lower my integrity just to fit into society. I have thus begun my new journey to allow myself to keep the highest standards while earning a good living.

I'm new to this board and have been reading people's messages. My experiences are very different from most on this board. I hope I can lift up others on this board and help as many people to live a great life.

It sounds like the meds are definitely taking some of your enthusiasm away, but they are also stabilizing your moods. You should never rush anything that can't be rushed, but maybe at some point you may want to try to just reduce some of the dosage of your medication. Definitely discuss this with your doctor. I don't believe this is how your life will always be. I don't know when it will change, but never lose hope that it can.

I feel the exact same way. I don't know what to do about it. I want to stop my meds to get that feeling back, but i'm afraid of everything that could happen if i destabilze, so i just stay on them. I wish i had an answer, but i just wanted to say i totally relate.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I understand too
It stole all of my wonderful periods of mania
It also has saved my file

I don't seem to have any smiles left

I've noticed that I'm a bit flat on this combination of meds, but I also have my head on completely straight for the first time in years and life makes sense to me now. It took a long time to get to this place, and to give it up for a taste of hypomania would be.....well.....insane.

Still, I do miss my hypomania and can't help wishing for a little burst of it, just once.....nothing TOO crazy, like I can get with full-on mania, I only want the energy and the boundless optimism.

I also know all too well what you speak of.

Lithium at first seemed like a godsend, but then my side effects actually worsened over time (instead of improved) and at the end of the day I just couldn't stand living a watered down version of my life. It was more like watching my life than actually experiencing it.So even if it didn't make me retarded and a host of other things ( I responded reallly badly to it ) I still would've flushed it because I hated not feeling like me, not recognising me. I missed me terribly, and so did my loved ones...

I'm in no position to advise you, lol I'm an "irresponsible bipolar" who flushed her meds partly because they killed her soul and I've never looked back.

Just wanted you to know I hear you

Did you acquire any coping skills and wisdom?

if so, maybe it is time to VERY VERY VERY SLOWLY try to decrease your meds to find the optimal dose that controls your symptoms, not your soul.

My psychiatrist decided to put me on Lamictal instead of lithium (in addition to my other meds). I am more stable now than I have ever been (going on 4 weeks). It took 4 months of being on it to get leveled out. I still experience enthusiasm and happiness. Maybe it might work better for you. I'm also on Wellbutrin, Abilify, Cymbalta, and Klonopin.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My meds have "stabilized me" me somewhere south of normal. I miss my hypo-manic times so much...and the creativity and the joy that came with them. I feel just "mono-tone" now if you will...I mean I'm fine, I guess, but where's that "life of the party" guy I used to know? Like you say...is this it?...is this all?...am I going to be this way forever?
Just wanted you to know your not alone in the way that you feel.
Take care,
D

I am super impressed that you are in grad school! That is a huge accomplishment.
But I do relate to missing "the real you." In Spring, I still get manias, despite being on good meds for over 15 years. Not the super highs I used to get but elevated moods.
Walking in Nature helps me get happy. So does dancing. But it's so frustrating not to have all the creativity. I used to draw well, sketched in cafés & people would say "amazing talent!" I cannot draw to save my life now! That used to be so enjoyable.
I am a member of 3 writing groups & writing is fun. Sharing my poetry with others is good.
You can be proud that you can focus on studies. Most people with this brain disorder can't even finish a bachelor's degree.
Staying on good meds, the meds that work for you, is laudable. So many people go off their meds to recapture the wild manias. Even Kay Redfield-Jamison, who has an MD, has done that & regretted it.
Hugs to you. I know what it's like to want the "real you" back!
*******

I don't even mean the extreme frenzied mania, just the milder feeling of being energetic and capable and just happy basically. It was a feeling that back in the day I didn't even associate with my bipolar disorder, it was just contentment from a fun day out with friends or a little surge of joy after something went right at school/work. I never thought of it as extreme then, I mean I definitely had way more extremely elated manic moods, I just thought of it as being happy. Just normal person happy.

But I haven't felt that way for years now. I don't even know myself now. I used to be very creative and fun to be around, and I knew some of that would go away with treatment, but I guess I thought after a while of being "normal" it would come back somewhat. A lot of what I felt defined my personality is gone and I'm slowly realizing that it is going to stay gone.

I just finished my first year of grad school and everyone here likes me and thinks I'm sorta fun, but it's nothing compared to how I used to be. When I'm around my old friends I can tell that I'm not as interesting as I used to be. I used to be so fun and clever, and I'm not expecting to be the life of the party again, I just thought that after being stable a while some of my personality would come back.

I found myself saying to my mom just the other day that I'm not sure what my "just me" is now. I'm starting therapy and I like her. I miss the passion I used to feel. I wonder how much is gone too. But then I realize I'm thinking too much!!

Sent from my XT1028 using Tapatalk