At Risk today, support needed.

So I just broke up with my partner 2 weeks ago. It was a mutual decision, we both thought it was for the best. My therapist and I had talked about it before it happened and she believed I would make it through without it triggering depression or a mixed episode which has been really prevalent since I got the mirena inserted.

I am doing all I can to stay stable. I have plenty to keep me occupied. I have some big goals to work towards and I am keeping a healthy diet and good sleep routine. I have a decent support network but it has been harder without the boyfriends support.

But there are days I want to give up. Today I feel completely overwhelmed. I do not want to end up in hospital again. That to me would be the biggest failure. But I really feel unsafe today.

I am filled with this angry manic energy, huge amounts of self loathing and agitation, yet I feel so low and having many of my physical depression symptoms (lethargy, nausea, lack of appetite, zero motivation etc).

I have distractions, but I get so frustrated with them. I cant enjoy a shower as my hot water doesnt work, meditation leads to suicidal idealation, I feel too physically ill for the bike or yoga. Maybe I just need to push myself more but I am so worried I will just snap and do myself some damage.

Any suggestions or words of support? I guess I am really stuck right now. Thanks in advance.

Relationship problems are a huge trigger for me so I feel you. I suggest that you try to look at this as an act in the play of your life. This is the sad part and it's okay to acknowledge you feel out of control. Try not to fight it and do your best to be kind to yourself. You will get through the disappointment of the loss of his support and move on.

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Can you get more support from your therapist? You'll get through this, things will get better. Can you watch a funny movie?

Do you have any friends you can talk to and hangout with? Or maybe meet someone new?
Breaking up with one person is not the end of the works, there is a few billion more out there.
Smile, you will meet one soon!

Thanks for the replies.

Im not keen to meet anyone else, I will not expose someone else to my moods again. It is just too painful for them and the guilt kills me.

I have my favourite show on the tv, it isnt helping any.

My pdoc/therapist only works thursdays, I am unable to get in contact with her until my appointment thursday. I have a CBT therapist that I could probably get into within two weeks. I could probably get an emergency appointment with my meds pdoc within the week but I dont feel this is a meds issue so I am not sure what he can do for me. I cant increase my antipsychotic anymore than it is at and I do not want to add another med. Today is my challenge, and there is nothing the professionals can do for me today.

I had plans to go out today, I was so excited to do it but I cant stop this ridiculous bawling. I dont want to overwhelm my friends as I have relied on them a lot the past week, I have already lost 3 in the last 6 months due to oversharing and needing too much support.

The problem is I dont feel like I will get through today without doing myself some real damage, this is a big cry for help because I dont think I can cope.

I put a call for help on fb as I didnt want to pressure any one friend. But the only ones responding are those that live too far away to help me. I havent felt this bad since the last hospital admission.

I just took my PRN as I am feeling a danger to myself.

Please does anyone have any suggestions? I've got a tension tamer tea, a heat pack for the pain. I have tons of distractions but I get so frustrated with them. I wonder if I could call the nurses at the hospital or if I have been out for too long for them to be allowed to help me.

Maybe you need to get professional support right away if you are in danger. Do you have crisis mobile units in your area?

If you are feeling really unsafe maybe go back to hospital? Your safety is most important. Otherwise, take it minute by minute, this intensity will not last, and you can get through it. Keep posting, or try the PC chat room for support. We are here for you.


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No mobile crisis teams anymore, they disbanded them last I heard.

I really really do not want to go to hospital again. To me that is the biggest failure I could ever imagine, to need to go to hospital after something so simple as a break up. I would rather die then get admitted.

That is what is helping stop me the self harm, I know I will need stitches and I worry they will keep me. I have every thing set up to do it though. If the 2.5mg of lorazepam doesnt work I guess I will have to take the xyprexa wafer and call in sick to work tomorrow.

I didnt want to turn to meds but I was all out of coping ideas. As it is I think I am too distressed for a benzo to be enough anyway.

I know it sounds stupid but do you have a printer and things to color with and get lost in that.

PLease be kind to yourself <3

What time is it there?

Its almost 11am and I do have a colouring book, I hadnt thought of that - thanks. Will try that next. I had been doing craft but the scissors are too tempting.

I am so disappointed I cant go out today, I had been looking forward to this day for months and its unlikely I will get the opportunity again. Another reason for punishment.

I say coloring because it has no sharp edges and pencils brake if you try them.

Please don't see going to the hospital as a failure. You have a serious illness and are going through a life challenge that would strain anyone's ability to cope. If you need to go to the hospital, then go. Your life is too important.

I know that things seem really bleak now, but it will get better.

I'll only got to hospital if I do need stitches, so far I dont.

Oooh, coloring is a good one. Kind of along the same lines (haha, didn't mean to pun there)…. are you familiar with Picasa? You can edit photos in it. Of course there are many other programs too, but that one is good when you want an easy one. They have a bunch of effects you can play with. If you don't like it, all you have to do is click "undo", and it'll undo the step you just did. And then you can try a different effect. You can do a whole series of effects so you can make it into a very different image from what you started with and they can be very abstract and fun.

Also, are you familiar with Electric Sheep? Here's a nice long one:

Full screen it and just watch. You can watch either in a relaxation kind of way, or in a more active way, trying to figure out how the pattern is actually moving. They're mesmerizing. The first time I stumbled into them, I don't even know how many hours I spent watching them(!) I was absolutely enthralled, and found that they totally occupied my mind without stressing me out.

Hope you find these ideas helpful.
And please be down on yourself for using your meds -- that's what they're for after all -- to help you mellow out your symptoms.
Sending lots of positive thoughts your way….

Dear SupaNova,

Breakups aren't simple. I went through the end of a three-year relationship a few years ago and I was crying my eyes out every day for months. I was lucky to be with my parents, so there was always someone around. I once broke down while grocery shopping with my mother because it reminded me so much of him.

It sounds like you are trying to reach out to people to get support. Keep reaching out.

It's not a failure to be hospitalized if you need it to keep yourself safe.

As for distractions, can you get outside for a walk? That's not a lot of activity, but it can help take you out of yourself.

Good luck with everything.

My internet connection is very poor so any online based games and videos dont work unfortunately but thankyou for the suggestions. Cant walk, its pouring down with rain today.

I went to bed as that felt the safest place to be. I know thats a bad tick in the depression box, but I had started self harming and I need to get somewhere safe before it got out of hand. The urge is still there now. I am a bit obsessed with 18 stitches, but I dont want to ever need that many in one sitting. And I have no doubt they will keep me if I go to the ER needing that many.

The distress isnt as high now as it was this morning. But huge amounts of guilt and disappointment for not being able to continue with my plans for today.

I dont know what I am going to do if i wake up like this tomorrow. I am really not fit to be living on my own right now.

Moved on to extremely suicidal tonight. Not sure if I take all my meds if it will be enough, i dont want to end up sick instead of dead. I wont do it unless I ave a plan that will work 100% so that might just save me tonight. Ended up SH all afternoon. The only person who can help me is the one I drove off.

I think you need to go to the hospital, your pretty on the edge my friend

Do you have a crisis or acute care unit? They're 3-4 day centers that can help. You may not need hospitalisation just something like that.

Sounds like you need hospital.

When I went through my divorce it sent me into a spiral of depression, followed by a mixed state, which I couldn't get myself out of. It lasted several months, and I just got worse and progressively more out of control. I ended up doing some really stupid and dangerous things, and landed involuntarily in the hospital for 3 weeks. I don't think that made me weak, I think I am vulnerable to stress and the stress of the break up pushed me to a point that I couldn't fix it on my own. I think if I had gone to the hospital sooner, like months sooner, it would have been a short stay and I would not have so many negative consequences from dangerous behavior.

So I don't think you are weak for feeling how you do after a break up. Maybe if you go in now it will just be a few days for you to feel better. The way it sounds now if that you are not safe, so I'm really worried.

Hang in there

I vote for the hospital too. It's a place where no one WANTS to go, but is necessary to keep you safe when you can't do it for yourself. Please go. We'll be here for you when you get back.

I really want you to be safe supanova. We all do. No one here can force you to make the safe decision for yourself but we all hope you do. Hospital is not a failure even though so many of us view it as such. A breakup is not a small thing. You are important and your feelings do matter. I know you had a bad hospital experience last time but they can still keep you safe until this passes.

I hope we hear from you soon. Please be well. Stay here on earth with us. No one wants you dead rather than alive even though your brain is telling you the opposite right now.

I hope you find peace.