At Risk today, support needed.

My therapist suggested writing in a journal the reasons for the breakup and the problems with the other person and then to keep reviewing those to help remember why you made the decision to split. In case that is what is bothering you so much. When I feel overwhelming and sadness and guilt about my split with my partner that's what I do. I review all the reasons that I can't be with him and it really helps me see why we aren't right for each other.

However, if you are feeling like hurting yourself you may need to go to the hospital. I know you don't want to go but it's not that bad and then at least they can review your meds and maybe give you something that will get rid of your horrible feelings.

Sorry you are in so much pain...

You can travel further to get to a better hospital or an acute care unit. Please respond so we know your okay -wish.

I will never live down going to hospital over this but i can barely move, the hysterical crippling crying is getting old. I just took a zyprexa wafer, not what i had planned for today, i am so disapppointed in myself i had everything set up to do well, I have so much good stuff to do why am i still like this? I've done EVERYTHING right, done everything i have supposed to have done to stay stable. As usual, its not enough, I dont even know why i bother trying so hard to be well because it comes back and bites me on the arse anyway.

Hospital will be when the cutting gets out of control or my support network takes me kicking and screaming, again. IF my ex finds out that would be the worst thing to happen.

I had such big goals and a couple of weeks in hospital is going to destroy them. Why do I even bother?

I totally understand your disappointment. I had an amazing period of wellness and then the symptoms started coming back which left me devastated. I felt just like you are.

The reality is, is that it's the nature of the beast and stress is our enemy. You have been under a lot of stress so it's of course understandable that you are feeling the way you are.

No one can force you to do anything you're not prepared to do. just know that we are just concerned about your well being.

I can't speak for other's but i have had many suicide attempts and I now recognize that when I get to that point, I can't rationalize.

We just want you to be safe and know that you are being supported here but sometimes this isn't enough.

Crisis care or acute care is for a lot shorter time less than a week please find one. Does the zyprexa put you to sleep.

Supanova, I know you are smart. You are. I've read your posts right from the start, and can say that with absolute confidence.
Now listen, here's the thing -- Plzsti makes a really important point. When we get to a place like where you are right now, we lose our rational thought. It's simply overcome by the intensity of our emotional state. There is no shame in that, it is simply a fact. Thinking goes black & white. And our thoughts feel so totally rational. BUT THEY AREN'T. You know this. In less stressed times, you would see it. You need to trust that knowledge, even and especially because you can't see it now.

No, it wouldn't be the worst thing. The worst thing would be to let pride , fear and unwarranted shame override what you know deep down -- that you need to REACH OUT AND GET HELP RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE.

You are human. Humans need help from other humans once in a while. Hospitalization is not failure. It's a safe place where you can get help to be more stable.

We all have ups and downs in our lives...especially those of us living with this illness. Knowing when to ask for help is an important part of managing our illness.

I hope you make the choices that keep you safe.

Sending good thoughts your way, Supanova….

Thankyou so much for the words of encouragement and support.

I have settled down a bit now thanks to a fair amount of SH and 2 days of zyprexa and benzos. Someone got my dad involved so he came down and blasted me for accidently skipping my meds the other day, it was a simple mistake, one I have only made twice before and considering all I have on my plate at the moment anyone could have forgotten. But I got in so much trouble. Hours of yelling and threatening to be locked up and threatening to call the police. A friend stayed with me that night but didnt stop the SH, Im slashed up a bit. I havent done that in ages but it felt like the only way I could let the angry manic energy out - and I do feel more calm now.

My family do not handle me well at all and with their own health problems I wanted to keep them out of it. So the person who called them is really in the bad books now. I am very very good at holding grudges. Everytime they find out I am sick their first reaction is to yell at me for it. So not helpful. I would have brought them into it had my support network of friends not been enough but my friends were doing a supurb job.

So my dad was down here this morning and helped me with my chores, I went for a ride on my horse but not sure if she was picking up on the mixed episode as we had a few bucks, I gave her a bath, now I've just had lunch and preparing to spend the afternoon being mindful and cooking so I have enough food to freeze for days I cant cook.

I feel slightly better than I did the other day but still pretty crappy. I am glad I got passed the worst without hospital but it was an absolute mess of a few days. And if I had a surefire way to end it, I would. I just dont want to end up worse off.

Thanks again for the support, it helps more than people know.

I'm sorry about the self harm I wish it didn't work so well, you know? No denying that it does. I'm glad you're feeling just a tiny but calmer. You still concern me with the talk of ending it all but maybe that too will subside it a day or two. I'm sorry your father yelled at you, my husband would do the same thing if I forgot my meds.

I'm glad to see you're still here. Keep us updated. We are all very concerned. I do hope things start to get better.

I am crying right now, literally, for you. I completely understand how you are feeling and feel the same way frequently as I am still figuring a medication regime after back to back pregnancies, not being able to be on regular meds. Anyway, you are stronger than what you are feeling right now, and you know you are. Just reading that you know you have goals and have distractions and something to look forward to, your big goals, is a beautiful way of keeping your mind set to keep going, to be strong, and NOT give up. This period will pass and time will heal, you know that. It's cliche but true. Please do not harm yourself, I had a few months back (self injury) , and felt worse afterwards in the long run. It's so easy to fall back on but you know as well as I do it's only temporary relief.

I hope this helps even a little. I am no therapist, and still figuring out myself, and in pain a lot of the time right now, trying to get everything back on track myself. But I know this, you are strong and I am strong, and we can all get through this life 'together', as we all have this common ground to live with, which is comforting. Hugs.

I'm so glad that you are feeling a little better, and that you got to ride and take care of your horse.

I'm happy to know that the support you got here helped.

It sucks that your dad thought that yelling at you was the best way to help you.

Are you going to see your therapist any time soon?

You are grieving for a lost relationship. Take good care of yourself.

settled down a bit now thanks to a fair amount of SH...... haven't done that in ages..... says you need more help then you are getting can you call your therapist to see you more often.?

Supernova,

I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. I just got out of the psych ward and there was a girl in for a breakup with her boyfriend. I know mental issues makes me ultra sensitive, and the times my marriage has been stressed were very scary. I did get staples for my self injury and told the ER doctor it was an accident. I have met people in the hospital who didn't get stiches/staples, and their scars were more pronounced than mine and I have keloid scars. Over time they really faded, but I totally understand if you don't feel comfortable.

I also had a mirena IUD and it was very painful. Also, my boyfriend could feel it when we had sex. Having it removed was the best thing I did, and it was not painful.

Big Hugs,

tnt

Thankyou again for the help through those few bad days. I thought I should let you all know that I am feeling much better now. I really appreciate that I was able to get so much help and support here.

I went to my therapist today who helped me see that I am once again rational. I was definitely irrational for a few days there but back to being, in my own words, "sane". I really have to be more careful with my meds. She explained that while I may not have felt effects of missing a day or too in less stressful times, the stress of the situation combined with missing the meds equals disaster for me.

She did ask a few times if I felt manic, I didnt think I was straight out manic, thinking more along the lines that I was mixed, but you know when they ask a question and it just makes you question yourself a little bit? Well its like that. As I have committed myself to a lot lately and have been doing far more than I used to do with myself. Its definitely not euphoric if it is the high side of life, I know that for sure!

She will try and fit me in next week but it is hard to get a spot with her as she is so sort after. I do have the option of my CBT therapist if things start to go downhill again but it is a bit hard to juggle 2 therapists. I think I am doing ok.

I am glad the episode has passed so quickly. Usually depression episodes for me are long lasting but the mixed episodes dont seem to last more than about 4 days - I think that is possibly because I drug myself with zeldox or zyprexa as I cannot stand it any longer than that. Probably a good thing I at least have the insight to take the PRN meds.

Now I just have to have the strength not to go crawling back to the ex for comfort.