[Resident Bipolar]

You may have seen my thread that I started a while back now, discussing the cessation of my meds and the progress I was making from it. I stopped my meds on the basis of the belief that I could now understand when a relapse was beginning and possibly detect the changes in my mood that signified an upcoming depressive episode.

While I still believe that I can usually tell when things are beginning to change, I'm not entirely sure that it will happen in the same way every time and I'm starting to believe what I'm going through at the moment might be a sign that being medication-free isn't the best idea at the current moment.

I'm not feeling overly depressed but I've noticed that I'll wake up at a decent time, plough through the day and feel okay until the early evening (around 5PM or 6PM), when I'll start to feel irritable, annoyed, frustrated, exhausted and unsure of what to do myself. For the past few days this has led to me going to bed and falling asleep early in the evening before waking up at around 9 or 10 at night feeling very dazed, sad and most of all unsure of what to do. The thought of staying in bed frustrates me and the thought of getting out of bed also gets to me.

Most of the time I'm feeling damn right pee'd off!

There are fleeting thoughts of suicide and an urge to self harm which are intense at times but I wouldn't say they're constant.

Are these signs of an oncoming depressive episode that I haven't previously noticed? Or am I just being pessimistic? Or perhaps I've tried to do too many things at once (lose weight, stop smoking, study, cut down on processed foods etc).

I've ordered my medication from the pharmacy which will be ready to pick up in a couple of days but I'm not 100% sure I want to take them. I don't know why. I feel as though it would be a sign of me being weak. Maybe I just need to pull myself up and get on with it.

If I DO need to go back onto my medication, I'm not going to be overly pessimistic about the failed attempt to leave medication behind. I failed to give up smoking at least 20 times but I'm trying again with that tomorrow. At the moment I just don't really feel like taking medication but I'm not totally sure why.

[Victoria'smom]

oncoming depressive episode nope the episode is here probably has been around longer than you want to admit.

Can you throw headphones on and take a walk instead of going to bed? Maybe as bad as they are take a caffeine pill,or 5hour energy drink at dinner?

What medications did you order? Don't give up smoking right now. Wait, concentrate on eating the right things. Your not weak if you take the meds just add them back one at a time starting with the most help usually the AP for suicidal thoughts while you wait for your pdoc appointment. Call pdoc today for an appointment. If you choose medication they can help if you don't you can see if they can set you up with a dietitian and a wellness group/class.

[wildflowerchild25]

It does sound like it could be a depressed episode. In my own experience I would recommend restarting medication but the caveat is it may not work the same. The last time I ditched meds (suddenly - no taper) I started them again after coming down off a hypomania and the med didn't work. At all. The depression came on quickly and turned ugly very fast, as it does for me as a rapid cycler. Now I am struggling once again to find a med combo that works.

I'm not trying to scare you or upset you, I just want you to know.

It's the suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm that concern me with you. I would not want you to try to soldier through this without some kind of help, especially if they are, as you put it, intense at times. I am struggling with the same thing - not constant but intense when they are there but I have a lot of support. I am in an IOP, about to step up to the PHP, and I am under a pdoc's care, trying a new med. If you still want to try it without medication I understand that (oh boy do I ever understand that!) but I recommend at least having a therapist to help you through!

[punkybrewster6k]

I knpw.that quitting smoking makes me really depressed and really agitated and not on a regular sleep schedule with very light sleep at night. Could that be part of the problem? It is the worst part of quitting for me.

punky

[Trippin2.0]

I'm curious RB, what exactly were you planning on doing med free during an episode and why is that now off the table as you anticipate one?

I assure you its purely a question, I'm just trying to understand your position.

What you describe, the not wanting to do anything, yet wanting to do something at the same time is what I've been going through for the past 2 weeks now. My remedy has been distraction.

Once I reach the "god I'm sick of myself" stage, I force myself out of my bed / room and go over to my friend's where I'm engaged and distracted. Admittedly not always effective, and fruckit not easy, but its what's been helping me, so I stick to it. Its annoying as all fruck and yes I do feel a depression lurking, one that feels quite scary at certain times.

Buuut, on several occasions my depressive episodes have actually been much milder than I initially fear. My depressions that have a steady build up over weeks are usually horrific episodes, but so far thankfully, the last 2 weren't as bad as I anticipated, I was able to handle it better than I expected. But I guess once you've had THE BIG ONE, you always fear its the big one. Its natural

I'm rambling now, probably because its after 2am already.

I think I forgot what the point of my reply was

Oooh wait, I forgot to say this.

Taking meds isn't a sign of weakness, it means you acknowledge that your method of managing isn't effective and that you value yourself enough to get the help you need.

I hope I never have to be on meds ever again, but I won't hesitate to take them if I felt I bit off more than can chew.

Its all about doing what's best for you ((((((((RB)))))))

[Nammu]

Are there any professionals you can talk to? When I had therapy once a week or twice a month she often knew befor anyone else what was happening. While I was med free back then it was only with her help I was able to see what was going on and adjust my schedule accordingly. We are often not in the best position to tell whats going on because we are at the center of it, others have a differnt perspective.

The other thing that concerns me is you are stopping and starting meds without a doctor. That's kinda like self medicating and a danger sign for some.

Do you have a therapist? Sometimes when I'm in that "is this" or "isn't this" stage, sitting down with my therapist is hugely helpful as he sees me from a different lense. And often, just having that discussion with him calms things down and I feel quite stable again. Having a good therapist to bounce off of can go a long way.

Hey RB! Just saw this. You know, it does sound like a lot of things to change up all at once -- they're all worthy, but maybe all at once might be sending some kind of "overwhelm" signal to your subconscious(??) Totally a guess, but I find that when I just don't know what to do, and am irritable, frustrated and exhausted, it usually turns out I'm overwhelmed. Not saying that's all that's going on or anything, just that it's something that may well be.

On the meds, no worries, there's nothing weak about it. But you know this. It's good you have the meds coming. Pick them up, then you'll have them. Doesn't mean you need to take them. Not saying you shouldn't, just saying better to have them on hand undecided than to realize you need them and not have them, you know? With one of my meds, I have a big feeling of reassurance, just knowing it's there, whether I'm currently needing it or not.

Good luck! And keep posting, ok? (I'll try to check in a bit more often, but currently, BF is (im)patiently waiting for me to help him with something, so gotta run!

[Resident Bipolar]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

oncoming depressive episode nope the episode is here probably has been around longer than you want to admit.

Can you throw headphones on and take a walk instead of going to bed? Maybe as bad as they are take a caffeine pill,or 5hour energy drink at dinner?

What medications did you order? Don't give up smoking right now. Wait, concentrate on eating the right things. Your not weak if you take the meds just add them back one at a time starting with the most help usually the AP for suicidal thoughts while you wait for your pdoc appointment. Call pdoc today for an appointment. If you choose medication they can help if you don't you can see if they can set you up with a dietitian and a wellness group/class.

I'm feeling a lot better recently. Well. There are up and down times. Ha. Just summed up Bipolar really (in the least descriptive way possible - doesn't quite get across the severity of Bipolar but I digress). I've got a lot more energy now and I've just been able to up my daily cycle from 10 miles to 15, which is a big improvement on a month ago when I could only just manage 5 miles every two days.

Gee I don't know. I haven't had many suicidal thoughts recently. I had one the other day when I had to go for an appointment with the Disability Employment Advisor. The whole anxiety of people, so many people, just got to me. There's a place near to where the appointment is that triggers certain emotional feelings for completely unknown reasons. Never mind.

Music is a problem with me. Happy music, sad music, angry music. It all makes me feel depressed, though I'm not sure why. Only Beethoven is a "safe" music for me and I'm not really in the mood for that all the time.

I had an appointment with my Community Psychiatric Nurse the other day but I couldn't quite bring myself to go.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

It does sound like it could be a depressed episode. In my own experience I would recommend restarting medication but the caveat is it may not work the same. The last time I ditched meds (suddenly - no taper) I started them again after coming down off a hypomania and the med didn't work. At all. The depression came on quickly and turned ugly very fast, as it does for me as a rapid cycler. Now I am struggling once again to find a med combo that works.

I'm not trying to scare you or upset you, I just want you to know.

It's the suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm that concern me with you. I would not want you to try to soldier through this without some kind of help, especially if they are, as you put it, intense at times. I am struggling with the same thing - not constant but intense when they are there but I have a lot of support. I am in an IOP, about to step up to the PHP, and I am under a pdoc's care, trying a new med. If you still want to try it without medication I understand that (oh boy do I ever understand that!) but I recommend at least having a therapist to help you through!

I'll have to make an appointment soon. I've picked my medication up from the pharmacy but so far it's been untouched or three days - it's all still in the bag.

At the moment I'm not struggling too much but I'm thinking of returning to employment soon and I'm therefore beginning to doubt my choice of quitting meds before I settle back into employment because the work environment is one on of my biggest triggers. If it all goes wrong again when I finally find a job, I'm not sure what I'd do from then on. That causes some anxiety!

Originally Posted by punkybrewster6k

I knpw.that quitting smoking makes me really depressed and really agitated and not on a regular sleep schedule with very light sleep at night. Could that be part of the problem? It is the worst part of quitting for me.

punky

I'd sort of got over smoking but just found myself buying a pack on a big spending spree. Off them again now and coping better than I was!

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I'm curious RB, what exactly were you planning on doing med free during an episode and why is that now off the table as you anticipate one?

I assure you its purely a question, I'm just trying to understand your position.

What you describe, the not wanting to do anything, yet wanting to do something at the same time is what I've been going through for the past 2 weeks now. My remedy has been distraction.

Once I reach the "god I'm sick of myself" stage, I force myself out of my bed / room and go over to my friend's where I'm engaged and distracted. Admittedly not always effective, and fruckit not easy, but its what's been helping me, so I stick to it. Its annoying as all fruck and yes I do feel a depression lurking, one that feels quite scary at certain times.

Buuut, on several occasions my depressive episodes have actually been much milder than I initially fear. My depressions that have a steady build up over weeks are usually horrific episodes, but so far thankfully, the last 2 weren't as bad as I anticipated, I was able to handle it better than I expected. But I guess once you've had THE BIG ONE, you always fear its the big one. Its natural

I'm rambling now, probably because its after 2am already.

I think I forgot what the point of my reply was

Oooh wait, I forgot to say this.

Taking meds isn't a sign of weakness, it means you acknowledge that your method of managing isn't effective and that you value yourself enough to get the help you need.

I hope I never have to be on meds ever again, but I won't hesitate to take them if I felt I bit off more than can chew.

Its all about doing what's best for you ((((((((RB)))))))

Some of what I had in place has been taken from me. Things have declined in my social group due to employment and everyone going off to University. I'm the only one that actually has any spare time.

The issue is that a lot of the things that help me prevent an episode become difficult once an episode has began to develop.

If I'm starting to feel like I was then perhaps it's a sign that what I had in place isn't working as well as I'd hoped.

I'm not quite sure what my aversion to medication is. Just the thought of taking it again makes me feel sad and I'm at a loss at how to explain or rationalise it.

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Are there any professionals you can talk to? When I had therapy once a week or twice a month she often knew befor anyone else what was happening. While I was med free back then it was only with her help I was able to see what was going on and adjust my schedule accordingly. We are often not in the best position to tell whats going on because we are at the center of it, others have a differnt perspective.

The other thing that concerns me is you are stopping and starting meds without a doctor. That's kinda like self medicating and a danger sign for some.

I've got a Psychiatric Nurse, Psychiatrist and a Social Worker assigned to me but it's really difficult to get an appointment at the moment. My psychiatrist often complains about how overworked they all are. I'll try getting an appointment but to be honest I feel a little pathetic for wanting to make one I don't even know why. I just feel pathetic about all of it. Just the thought of calling up and making an appointment like a beg for assistance is just, urgh, I don't know. It's really getting to me.

When I decided to come off my medication I did consult my psychiatrist and she gave her consent. My medication was left on my prescription for a while in case I needed them in an emergency and that's why I was able to order them and pick them up. I haven't touched them yet though, not even my beta blocker which I rely on just to get on a bus without feeling like getting straight back off the thing (if I wasn't too nervous to get off a bus in front of people, which I am - I have to get off at the last stop every time so there are less people to see me get off).

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Do you have a therapist? Sometimes when I'm in that "is this" or "isn't this" stage, sitting down with my therapist is hugely helpful as he sees me from a different lense. And often, just having that discussion with him calms things down and I feel quite stable again. Having a good therapist to bounce off of can go a long way.

Yes I do but it's difficult to get an appointment because the NHS is overwhelmed at the moment. I did have one for last Friday but I couldn't bring myself to attend it.

[Resident Bipolar]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Hey RB! Just saw this. You know, it does sound like a lot of things to change up all at once -- they're all worthy, but maybe all at once might be sending some kind of "overwhelm" signal to your subconscious(??) Totally a guess, but I find that when I just don't know what to do, and am irritable, frustrated and exhausted, it usually turns out I'm overwhelmed. Not saying that's all that's going on or anything, just that it's something that may well be.

On the meds, no worries, there's nothing weak about it. But you know this. It's good you have the meds coming. Pick them up, then you'll have them. Doesn't mean you need to take them. Not saying you shouldn't, just saying better to have them on hand undecided than to realize you need them and not have them, you know? With one of my meds, I have a big feeling of reassurance, just knowing it's there, whether I'm currently needing it or not.

Good luck! And keep posting, ok? (I'll try to check in a bit more often, but currently, BF is (im)patiently waiting for me to help him with something, so gotta run!

I always get into the habit of taking too many things on at once. I'll feel good and straight away decide to fix all my life problems at once, which ends up in me crashing and going the opposite way. That could obviously be cycling itself.

My meds have been picked up and I used my sleeping pills for the first time last night as my sleep habits have been going off course, which is making it difficult to get myself up and going and down to the gym.

The whole wanting to do something but not wanting to do it is difficult to explain. I'll feel fed up, so I'll think about going for a lie down and that'll frustrate me so I'll think about doing something productive instead and that'll also frustrate me. If I wake up in bed, I'll be annoyed and irritated by the idea of staying in bed but I'll also be annoyed about the idea of getting out of bed. So I end up just being annoyed all the time.

Haha, we both have impatient BFs. I had to wait until today to reply to your post because when I replied to the others last night, he was waiting to go to bed. I could feel the burn of his eyes impatiently fixated on me throughout the entire time I was replying to everyone else.

Be good to yourself IZ