ugh
just got out of inpatient and am doing a pretty intense outpatient thing. had a really hard day and was feeling out of balance...

so what do i do??

drive an hour to a free concert that starts at 11 pm, mosh my guts out and not get home until 3 am. wine? yes please. more please.
i didnt get trashed but i know that it doesnt mix with my meds, which i ended up taking at almost 2 am instead of at 10 pm.
im trying really hard to get my cirrcadian rythm thing under control so that it helps keep the bipolar (mania) in check and yet there i am at 3 am looking for ways to stay up longer even though i was exhausted.

i know other people must do this
know whats good for you and then go do the opposite. the thing is that i think usually youre not thinking about what you should be doing, youre just doing what you feel like doing.
with me last night, it was a conscious descision to go agaisnt what i know is best for my stability.
and i had a blast

[notALICE]

I do! It's been awhile since I've been drinking, mosh pit or concert but in my own ways find myself doing stupid little rebellious things because it feels right at the time. Like buying my son a ball python without asking my husband, who as it turns out is afraid of snakes.

It's like I create drama or have little thought to consequences when I should know better. I'm told now to go with my second thought, never my first grand idea.

Earlier days? Riding in the subway at 3am, drunk off my butt. No care in the world who I might have run into. Not Dx BP then, but where is my common sense?

How are you feeling today? Some fun I could get away with, for awhile. Sleep in crucial to ward off my mania. Be careful to get enough

Best!

thanks for the reply notAlice. i can identify with the riding the subway at night not giving a crap what comes across my path. i used to go looking for trouble too.

lately im not sure if its creating drama or just having a huge blind spot combined with the ability to make everything seem so reasonable.
i talked myself into thinking i deserved a night out. i deserved to let my hair down. its not like i was actually drunk. i mean the concert was spontaneous and FREE... how can this be a bad thing?
what i actually needed after such a hard day was rest. maybe a movie.

i had a great time at the concert but today im disapointed with myself because im asking myself (and my husband - who i somehow expect to be the sensible one) what is it that i really want? do i want to have a period of true stability? or do i just want to keep going from high to high?
5 x inpatient in just 4 years is not what i want. i question how much stability ive had at all in that time.
to get there im going to have to make sacrifices... and i dont really want to.
its hard and i feel very conflicted

[Pikku Myy]

I am very careful with my drinking now days I used to be very self destructive.. and liked it a bit too much as a medication ... It ok to drink and have fun every so often, but never alone - at least for me . Glad you had a good time just don't make it a habit. Hugs

[loophole]

I guess it's not so nice to say but it depends on what you want to do that you think is good.. after that it comes down to self control. Now I'm not saying what is good and isn't, that's up to you... I also believe it's hard to control anyone's impulses not just bipolar.. however I do believe it's harder for bipolar to control them.. especially as time goes on... you need to equip yourself with every tool you can to help you help yourself... also inpatient/partial hospitalization program isn't so much a quick fix.. it's all about what the person's effort and dedication to the program... I'm in php as well (sounds like you stated.. intense partial hospitalization. .. mines everyday and I'm not allowed to goto work during this time... good luck

[StayinAlive]

I wonder if we aren't all somewhat used to, and comfortable with, the chaos we've lived with, so that it feels normal and better than stability and "doing what is good" for us? So we throw ourselves off a bit on purpose sometimes? This has probably been discussed here before -- I'm fairly new. A wee bit of self sabotage feels good every now and then, at least to me.

Also, who wants to do what they're told all the time? Definitely not me, and I'm more than old enough to know better.

Shorter answer: yes. I definitely do this sometimes. I think we should try our best to minimize this. Didn't mean to sound as if I'm advocating for it.

[loophole]

Oh no not at all. . I was just trying to help ya some.. I think we all know what we are supposed to do. And I don't mean to come off as perfect. . Lol I'm far from it just ask my wife.. lol

it is indeed a 5 day 9-5 program. since its a new group there are just a couple of us so its all very personal and direct right now. that will dissapate as the group grows but for now its very direct almost 1 on 1 therapy 8 hours a day. ugh.
i do this for 4 weeks then follow with a 13 week 3x a week program.

i guess im just asking myself if i really want the stability i keep saying i want.
i mean i do.
but it DOES call for self discipline... and what if i hate stability? what if its boring?
saying that i dont want chaos either... that slide into psychosis is terrifying and i want that out of my life. but thats that blind spot for me. i forget how bad it is at the bottom when i want to do something thats destabilizing.
its almost enough to make me want to give up.

I think the important thing is to make conscious decisions.
Right or wrong, it is essential that we understand the consequences of our actions.

The truth is that we always make the best choice at every given moment according to the strength and wisdom we possess.
Through the pain and suffering caused by wrong choices we gain wisdom.
When we get to the point of knowing better we will make right choices if, and only if we can find the strength.

[Igniris]

I was having a problem with this recently. I was making myself stay in a bad relationship because it made me feel better with being with someone, but I should've ended it a lot sooner since it would have helped me feel better. Mind and emotions seem to not line up sometimes and it is very unfair. Why can't something that is good always be what we want to do.

[Curiosity77]

I definitely take risks and do what i want, even when i know it could go sideways for me. I follow the rules for a while, until i start to feel that things are too straight and narrow, then i change it up. I've had some pretty bad crashes doing things this way, but also some amazing experiences. I'm lucky because my extreme episodes are infrequent, so i have more leeway than a lot of people with the risks i take. I like to feel my choices are my own.

[loophole]

I took way more chances when i wasn't married with kids that's for sure

[~Christina]

I think its just natural for people to do some stuff thats not really "right or good for us" But I dont think we do it anymore than your average person .... Those of us with Bipolar just tend to over think everything to death and sometimes guilt ourselves to the point where we beat ourselves up far more harsher than the other folks would.

So what if once in a while we go out and have a blast... I mean normally we are doing so much into self care and trying to keep good sleep hygiene and take our meds .. etc you get the point .. right?
So I would imagine going out here and there is probably a good thing . Too many people are medicated to the gills that they just stay snowed under and cant really enjoy life.

Just a side note if you are out drinking and having fun its best to skip your Psych meds that nite.

Of course this is just my opinion as I am certain someone is going to try and bash me for it

[venusss]

So I would imagine going out here and there is probably a good thing . Too many people are medicated to the gills that they just stay snowed under and cant really enjoy life.

Yeah. I know this one reknown blogger telling you that bipolars means going to sleep at kiddie time and 10:00PM is late and best to tell your friends and dates you cannot go out so late, because your bipolar and meds and all (and probably get stop on the way to doctor for some "I have no friends or love life" meds too).

I mean I love to travel... packpacker style. Which means I cannot really go sleep at regular time, because I am waiting for ferries or sleeping on third class of some night train to destination where the tap water is not safe, but booze is dirt cheap. But... eventhough I always come back totally exhausted, then months later when some depression is creeping at me, I look at the pictures, remember the people and the places...... and I think it's not so bad. Good people and magic places exist.

Have fun. We don't live for doing "what is good for us". And imho, falling into boring routine is not good for you anyways.

i think i just need to be more aware of these choices... that they are choices
take calculated risks? if ive had a good few weeks before and a few days recovery after then maybe its ok to break loose, drive to paris for breakfast, bar hop in rotterdam untill daylight?

i think whoever said it was right
maybe im over-thinking. too structured, too black and white in my ideas about stability

[Tucson]

Calculated risk IMO is not part of mania. BPs frequently know no middle ground.

[cool09]

Moderation and a regular routine is the best way to go thru life especially if a person has extreme hardships or some sort of disability but over the past few years I discovered that it's really nice at the end of the day to let everything go and do something for enjoyment and kind of get outside of your head. I started smoking some pot on a semi-daily basis (something I hadn't done since H.S.) and listen to music, relax, then watch some TV and enjoy some food. I think it catches up with you sooner or later and start to feel a downside so I'm back on a straight regimen now. And that kind of thing is probably a disservice to my parents and brothers, as well. But it is great to get outside of yourself every so often.

Originally Posted by Tucson

Calculated risk IMO is not part of mania. BPs frequently know no middle ground.

exactly and mania is what i would like to avoid. the middle ground looks so enticing and ive read about people with BP who actually live there. but it took sacrifice to get there. lifestyle changes and dedication.
im just afraid im going to do all the effort and still be miserable

today im feeling like its something i really do want
i really would like to remain on a medication regimen and adjust my lifestyle and see if i can get to that elusive middle ground called stability.
tomorrow that could change