[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I've been a member of PC for approximately 5 years. I've been diagnosed with nearly every mental disorder (no joke). Each p doc gives a different name for it so I'm trying to figure it out myself and start over with a new pdoc.

It's been about two months and I noticed a dramatic change. I was diagnosed with bipolar at 15 but each doctor says its something else. I've always been in abusive, stressful, unhealthy environments so I will start she I got out 5 years ago. I'd been on a "diet" that caused rapid weight loss (by anorexia and bulemia)and health problems. I sought help and got better, felt better. I left my ex husband (who was abusive) and drove across the country with my 1 year old. I was feeling great from fleeing, I'd never felt better. I started drinking because I was never allowed, got my tongue pierced, slept an average of 3 hours a night, ws drinking and driving (I have always hated when people did this and swore I never would), racked up thousands in credit cards and ignored the bills when I couldn't afford them... I was highly active but very jealous. I met my now husband. I wanted to run away so without plans or jobs i convinced my now husband to move to another state where we k ew no one and had no jobs. That only lasted four months. We had hobbies that were risky by not high risk most of the time. I experimented with psychadelic drugs. (my child was on visit with her father during the risk times)
Eventually (after trying psychedelic drugs for the 4th time), I had a seizure while taking mushrooms. A bad one. I went deep and low into anxiety. I developed severe agorophobia where my therapist had to make home visits. I was petrified. I was afraid of everything. My husband had already proposed and we were planning our wedding. I was so happy to be marrying him but the whole planning, wedding, even honeymoon was clouded with anxiety. Id had more unprovoked seizures since the mushroom night and was siagnosed with epilepsy after testing. I lost my license.
I got pregnant and half way through I started finding my energy again. I was in my anxious phase about 2.5 years. My husband and I refer to that phase as my dark phase. So I start getting energy but am overly sensitive. Cry at everything, low low low tolerance for anything, I started hitting walls and breaking things. I thought it was hormones so she I had my baby and the rage worsened I thought just hormones.
It's been six months and the rage continues. I have buttloads of energy and am in good spirits but the smallest thing sets me off. It's hard to stop yelling once I have started. Hours later I feel like the worst person in the world and apologize but by that Tim its too late.
I've begun exercising and dieting (the right way), I often talk and dream about picking up and moving away. I often think about walking out the door and not looking back, alone. I love my family, my two kids and husband. I adore them, but I am so afraid of ruining them with tho behavior. I am entirely too critics and expect way too much from my kids, they are just kids!
I quit smoking cigarettes (after 14 years) about 9 weeks ago and am thinking this rage can be a result of that since I'm only like this on days I realm crave a cigarette.
I'm now avoiding responsibility. I'm 28 but when the doctors call asking me to talk to my insurance about money issues, I get anxious for some reason and ignore their calls.
By explaining everything in attempting to show how everything -could be- circumstantial but I'm also considering the doctors may have been right in the original diagnosis. I have had phases of dillusional thinking but not since my last phase where I was having eating problems. During my down phase I also lose every ounce of self worth, right now however I admit my confidence is rather high. I think though that this may be the way I just react to stressors or she I'm generally pleased.
So I'm going to talk to my doctor about this next week but was hoping to get an idea if I'm close on the diagnosis in hopes to have a starting point. So could you please tell me what your experience is with the episodes and if you think this could be the direction for me to look? I hear epilepsy and bipolar are common together and many anti epilleptic drugs are used for bipolar disorder so I'm thinking this may be where to look. I'm just afraid of going back to that low phase I was in just last year

[RustbeltRoyalty]

Hi, Purple.

I've been recently diagnosed with mixed episode, rapid cycling bipolar 1 back in March so I'm still trying to piece everything together, so this may not help much, but your life does sound a great deal like mine. Extreme impulsive actions, rapidly changing mood swings, rage. Even wanting to dodge responsibility or having the urge to drop everything and move.

Having this illness, to me, meant losing a job every few years, like clockwork. It meant convincing myself I was polyamorous and having affairs at one point. A few years ago, I also got on a fitness kick, lost 35 lbs, looked gaunt and unhealthy but was obsessed with losinmg "just 3 more". Then came the inevitable crash and I gained it all back, got fired from my job, and laid around the house. I've had bizarre obsessions, like having 5 aquariums in the house, along with ordering expensive fish online. I've been hospitalized 3 times in my life, once for suicidal ideation and pink-slipped twice for out of control delusional, violent rage. Disproportionate anger always seemed to be in the background, too. There were hardly ever any of the textbook "highs", with elation and feeling good. If there were, it was only for a few hours, at the most. When I was feeling productive, I got so overwhelmed with anxiety and irritation that I would just sit for hours with my mind spinning a million times per second.

Lots of burned bridges along the way, relationship-wise. Before I met my current husband, I'd take a lot of personal sexual risks with men I hardly new. Short, turbulent "friendships" with people in general. Some of them may have had the potential to be positive in my life, until I blew up or crashed down into straight depression.

Self-medicating. A problem with binge-drinking, chronic marijuana abuse, and at some points, cocaine. There was no distinctive pattern as to when or why I turned to alcohol and drugs, either. My only guess is I just wanted relief at any time, in any form, throughout my life. I've spent money I didn't have on weed and stayed high from morning until well into the night. I'd go on a booze binge until I passed out, threw up, or both. Many blackouts, and I'm lucky to still be alive

In short, this wretched illness has made my life a complete chaotic mess. If having bipolar disorder is something you're truly concerned about, then I'd say be your own advocate and do a lot of research, if you haven't already. Find somebody you know and trust to help you find clues, or maybe a pattern to your episodes or cycles. Arm yourself with information, and definitely find a pdoc that's willing to listen to what you have to say. When it comes down to it, nobody knows you like you. I'm 42, and I was misdiagnosed for well over 20 years. In the end, it was my husband who helped me figure it out, mostly because we've been together for 10 years and he knows me better then anybody. Hopefully, you have at least one person in your life like that but if you don't, be your own advocate and do what seems right for YOU.

I hope this helps,
~Rust

[Mountainbard]

Hi Purple, that's quite a tale. So much of what you relate sounds similar to experiences I've had, and I am definitely bipolar. The unhealthy relationships, the drug use, irresponsible spending, jealousy, and generally impetuous behavior are all hallmarks of manic episodes. And in the early stages of bipolar the mania tends to be stronger and longer-lasting than the depressive episodes. Untreated, that reverses over time-- and that really sucks.

The rage and avoidance of responsibility could be signs of a mixed state. But whatever you call it, I'm glad you're seeking help Purple. Here's a post that will give you some food for thought: http://forums.psychcentral.com/bipol...-recovery.html.

I wish you all the best as you continue with your healing journey.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you mountainbard! I've known for some time that things were off but the epilepsy really confused things. Since I didn't have the typical fall down shaking seizures I was thought to have DID for over 10 years. Now that I am properly diagnosed with epilepsy and the hallucinations and dissociative episodes that accompany it, its ruled out causes such as DID, schizophrenia, etc. I'm such a mess lol.
I read the stages and would have to say I'm stuck on two if that applies to me. In my anxious phase over the last couple years my pdoc tried to put me on anti depressants but I refused to believe I needed them, so I was stuck in a hole for two years because i knew better lol. But I remembered the time before, the time I had pink and blue hair, the time I was a dare devil and unafraid, the time I had confidence... But the drinking, unpaid bills, jealousy, I forget about those. I just never felt depressed, I never felt sad or hopeless... Just unmotivated, anxious, I was just there. Emotionless for the most part. Faking smiles, not because I was da but because I just didn't care. Since I didn't feel "sad" I just assumed I was learning to live with and cope with the epilepsy

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Rustbeltroyalty thank you for your help! I'm sorry to hear you have lost so much. I lose jobs frequently, and going back to my last three job losses, they were right before I was brought down.
I always blame my episodes on my chaotic life and abusive past but being honest... Bad things happen when I'm feeling better too but for some reason sometimes I can cope and sometimes I can't.
I've also noticed my mental state changed, I kind of become a completely different person. One day I'm posting that I'm certain I am perfectly fine and there is nothing wrong with me, a month later and I just have OCD, give it another month and its GAD, another month and its something else. But when I go into the next one I feel as if the last never happened. Like now, I admit to having OCD and possibly more, two months ago I swore there was no way, and this happens almost yearly cycles, like with the weather (but its not).
It really is frustrating. I just pray I never have another dark episode and can learn to manage my anger

[Katieissweet]

You have to medicate a sick society.

[Disorder7]

Originally Posted by RustbeltRoyalty

Hi, Purple.

I've been recently diagnosed with mixed episode, rapid cycling bipolar 1 back in March so I'm still trying to piece everything together, so this may not help much, but your life does sound a great deal like mine. Extreme impulsive actions, rapidly changing mood swings, rage. Even wanting to dodge responsibility or having the urge to drop everything and move.

Having this illness, to me, meant losing a job every few years, like clockwork. It meant convincing myself I was polyamorous and having affairs at one point. A few years ago, I also got on a fitness kick, lost 35 lbs, looked gaunt and unhealthy but was obsessed with losinmg "just 3 more". Then came the inevitable crash and I gained it all back, got fired from my job, and laid around the house. I've had bizarre obsessions, like having 5 aquariums in the house, along with ordering expensive fish online. I've been hospitalized 3 times in my life, once for suicidal ideation and pink-slipped twice for out of control delusional, violent rage. Disproportionate anger always seemed to be in the background, too. There were hardly ever any of the textbook "highs", with elation and feeling good. If there were, it was only for a few hours, at the most. When I was feeling productive, I got so overwhelmed with anxiety and irritation that I would just sit for hours with my mind spinning a million times per second.

Lots of burned bridges along the way, relationship-wise. Before I met my current husband, I'd take a lot of personal sexual risks with men I hardly new. Short, turbulent "friendships" with people in general. Some of them may have had the potential to be positive in my life, until I blew up or crashed down into straight depression.

Self-medicating. A problem with binge-drinking, chronic marijuana abuse, and at some points, cocaine. There was no distinctive pattern as to when or why I turned to alcohol and drugs, either. My only guess is I just wanted relief at any time, in any form, throughout my life. I've spent money I didn't have on weed and stayed high from morning until well into the night. I'd go on a booze binge until I passed out, threw up, or both. Many blackouts, and I'm lucky to still be alive

In short, this wretched illness has made my life a complete chaotic mess. If having bipolar disorder is something you're truly concerned about, then I'd say be your own advocate and do a lot of research, if you haven't already. Find somebody you know and trust to help you find clues, or maybe a pattern to your episodes or cycles. Arm yourself with information, and definitely find a pdoc that's willing to listen to what you have to say. When it comes down to it, nobody knows you like you. I'm 42, and I was misdiagnosed for well over 20 years. In the end, it was my husband who helped me figure it out, mostly because we've been together for 10 years and he knows me better then anybody. Hopefully, you have at least one person in your life like that but if you don't, be your own advocate and do what seems right for YOU.

I hope this helps,
~Rust

You just wrote my life story. Thanks. It saved some time. Lol.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

What about just giving up... Even when things are going well sometimes, when I get angry, when I see how bad I was during my dark time, when I see the damage I have done I just want to walk away. That thought constantly plagues. Me, that my family will be so much better without me... That my two daughters and my husband are only suffering by having me in their life... I don't think I could ever actually be suicidal but the thought of running away to live under a bridge is because of this. I just hate the way I have been, I just hate what I have done and I think they would be much better off without me

[Mountainbard]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

What about just giving up... Even when things are going well sometimes, when I get angry, when I see how bad I was during my dark time, when I see the damage I have done I just want to walk away. That thought constantly plagues. Me, that my family will be so much better without me... That my two daughters and my husband are only suffering by having me in their life... I don't think I could ever actually be suicidal but the thought of running away to live under a bridge is because of this. I just hate the way I have been, I just hate what I have done and I think they would be much better off without me

This is your illness speaking, Purple. This is the dark voice of depression saying "I'm worthless. The world would be better off without me." I know. I've heard that voice a million times during my down times. And the irony is, dark as that voice is, it has an attraction to our out-of-balance brains. Managing bipolar is all about restoring balance and stability to our lives. That's not an easy thing to do. I'm still struggling to achieve it every day. But I've gotten far enough to know that the thought that I'm a worthless burden to the world, and all variations of that thought, are the cheat of my disease, and not my thinking. And I hold on to the hope that one day I will see my disease so clearly that it will no longer have any power over me; that I will be able to live a normal life, with my bipolar completely managed and fully in check.

[Creative1onder]

What do you do when you don't have help with your illness? When its you against illness? When you struggle to get positive responses from others when you try to reach out, to talk about your feelings and circumstances? When people judge you harshly or make unhelpful remarks? When people don't believe or understand what your experiencing?

[RustbeltRoyalty]

Originally Posted by Creative1onder

What do you do when you don't have help with your illness? When its you against illness? When you struggle to get positive responses from others when you try to reach out, to talk about your feelings and circumstances? When people judge you harshly or make unhelpful remarks? When people don't believe or understand what your experiencing?

If that's your situation, it sounds pretty damn awful and I'm sorry you have to go through it. How about a local support group, have you looked for one? Or an online one, like right here?

[Creative1onder]

Well, i'm not alone in not having help and support or having received negative responses from people.
I have joined support groups which can be good but can't rely on them to help me manage my illness. And, in a support group you are likely to compare your circs to others, feel better or worse off than others-you dont always feel comfortable as well to express yourself and if others have help and support outside, and good life when you don't, that's difficult. People in support group have different perspectives and experiences that aren't going to match exactly what you've been through and they are all people who need some help and most of them already do have.

[Disorder7]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

What about just giving up... Even when things are going well sometimes, when I get angry, when I see how bad I was during my dark time, when I see the damage I have done I just want to walk away. That thought constantly plagues. Me, that my family will be so much better without me... That my two daughters and my husband are only suffering by having me in their life... I don't think I could ever actually be suicidal but the thought of running away to live under a bridge is because of this. I just hate the way I have been, I just hate what I have done and I think they would be much better off without me

I've had similar thoughts. Like maybe I should just go live in the woods alone so I can't hurt anyone.
But that's not really a viable solution. Plus, I'll still be bipolar. The disease will follow me.
It's sort of like the funny quote, "I can't drown my demons. They know how to swim."

[Creative1onder]

Its not funny battling with a serious, challenging, potentially life-threatening illness on your own. Its no good when people add to your feelings of distress and despair, when people hurt you, mistreat, reject you when you want and try to help yourself.

[Disorder7]

Creative,

We started to die the moment we were born. I've seen people linger in pain that I can't imagine, and I've known people who have literally fallen over dead without warning. Some were old and some were only children.
That is our fate.

Everyone in my family, except my husband, is dead now.
Mental illness is not the hardest thing I've ever faced.

Life can be so painful. And sometimes i just have to laugh. I have to laugh at the lunacy of life itself.
I seek out humor in situations because that's how I survive.
To each his own.

[Creative1onder]

Really, theres nothing funny about suffering from a chronic life threatening illness whether physical or mental. You wouldn't laugh if you were diagnosed with cancer or diabetes. You wouldn't laugh if you lost someone you cared about to suicide cos they didn't get help. I don't know you or your circumstances and people are different and experience things differently. So whats ok, acceptable for you, or not significant or difficult may be tough, unbearable for others. Mental illness is real and serious and people who suffer with it, who don't get treated well or helped don't deserve that. We aren't born with the idea of death. We are born to live not die.

[Creative1onder]

I wonder how life felt for Robin Williams cos he was battling with mental illness and addiction while still presenting a cheerful charismatic funny personality to audiences. He had great humour but he was suffering inside and he lost the battle after many years.

[horseshoe2985]

I am so sorry that you have struggled with this. I will keep you in my prayers!

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I've been a member of PC for approximately 5 years. I've been diagnosed with nearly every mental disorder (no joke). Each p doc gives a different name for it so I'm trying to figure it out myself and start over with a new pdoc.

It's been about two months and I noticed a dramatic change. I was diagnosed with bipolar at 15 but each doctor says its something else. I've always been in abusive, stressful, unhealthy environments so I will start she I got out 5 years ago. I'd been on a "diet" that caused rapid weight loss (by anorexia and bulemia)and health problems. I sought help and got better, felt better. I left my ex husband (who was abusive) and drove across the country with my 1 year old. I was feeling great from fleeing, I'd never felt better. I started drinking because I was never allowed, got my tongue pierced, slept an average of 3 hours a night, ws drinking and driving (I have always hated when people did this and swore I never would), racked up thousands in credit cards and ignored the bills when I couldn't afford them... I was highly active but very jealous. I met my now husband. I wanted to run away so without plans or jobs i convinced my now husband to move to another state where we k ew no one and had no jobs. That only lasted four months. We had hobbies that were risky by not high risk most of the time. I experimented with psychadelic drugs. (my child was on visit with her father during the risk times)
Eventually (after trying psychedelic drugs for the 4th time), I had a seizure while taking mushrooms. A bad one. I went deep and low into anxiety. I developed severe agorophobia where my therapist had to make home visits. I was petrified. I was afraid of everything. My husband had already proposed and we were planning our wedding. I was so happy to be marrying him but the whole planning, wedding, even honeymoon was clouded with anxiety. Id had more unprovoked seizures since the mushroom night and was siagnosed with epilepsy after testing. I lost my license.
I got pregnant and half way through I started finding my energy again. I was in my anxious phase about 2.5 years. My husband and I refer to that phase as my dark phase. So I start getting energy but am overly sensitive. Cry at everything, low low low tolerance for anything, I started hitting walls and breaking things. I thought it was hormones so she I had my baby and the rage worsened I thought just hormones.
It's been six months and the rage continues. I have buttloads of energy and am in good spirits but the smallest thing sets me off. It's hard to stop yelling once I have started. Hours later I feel like the worst person in the world and apologize but by that Tim its too late.
I've begun exercising and dieting (the right way), I often talk and dream about picking up and moving away. I often think about walking out the door and not looking back, alone. I love my family, my two kids and husband. I adore them, but I am so afraid of ruining them with tho behavior. I am entirely too critics and expect way too much from my kids, they are just kids!
I quit smoking cigarettes (after 14 years) about 9 weeks ago and am thinking this rage can be a result of that since I'm only like this on days I realm crave a cigarette.
I'm now avoiding responsibility. I'm 28 but when the doctors call asking me to talk to my insurance about money issues, I get anxious for some reason and ignore their calls.
By explaining everything in attempting to show how everything -could be- circumstantial but I'm also considering the doctors may have been right in the original diagnosis. I have had phases of dillusional thinking but not since my last phase where I was having eating problems. During my down phase I also lose every ounce of self worth, right now however I admit my confidence is rather high. I think though that this may be the way I just react to stressors or she I'm generally pleased.
So I'm going to talk to my doctor about this next week but was hoping to get an idea if I'm close on the diagnosis in hopes to have a starting point. So could you please tell me what your experience is with the episodes and if you think this could be the direction for me to look? I hear epilepsy and bipolar are common together and many anti epilleptic drugs are used for bipolar disorder so I'm thinking this may be where to look. I'm just afraid of going back to that low phase I was in just last year