I'm tired of this...

I'm over cycling. I don't want to hear that give it time and you'll cycle back up. I'm tired of being on a rollercoaster. I'm tired of fighting my brain. I'm tired of being behind a mask because I feel I have to be normal. I'm tired of having to take meds. I'm tired of having to see a Pdoc and a therapist. I'm tired of having to call into work because I'm ill. I'm tired of having to go to work. I'm tired of being broken.
I don't know if I'll tell my new therapist everything. I have to build up trust first. And I really don't want her to send me inpatient. I'm rambling and it could go on for hours. I'll probably post more later.

Post as much as you can. It's normal to get fed up.

You said the exact same thing I said to my mom 2 days ago. Practically verbatim. I'm so friggen exhausted too! We gotta hang in there for each other. Keep posting. :::::

I'm so tired too.

Now to top all of this off I'm having issues with my period. Where I'm probably going to have to go in and see my PCP our go to a specialist..... Eugh

That's why I like this board - we can come here and vent frustrations and everyone understands.

Sorry to hear this. How are you doing today?

How long have you been on your current meds ?

Well the propranalol had been like a year and a half or so. The seroquel xr keeps adjusting doses bouncing between 400(when manic) and 300 right now she thought maybe it was making me sleep too much. And my lamictal is stepping up to 300mg currently at 275 until next Sunday. And viibryd I've been on for 2years or so 6months at 40mg.

I'm sorry that you feel this way. It can be so draining to have to carry on plodding through life pretending there is some form of normalcy when there isn't. The ups and downs, pdocs, med changes ... Can be so exhausting!

I know it is hard. But you have to hang in there one second at a time.

I hate that your just going up and down... Just a though maybe you need something instead of Seroquel ? .. I hope you find some stable ground, You have been all over the map for months and months now.

I know Pdoc was hoping the lamictal would help with my depression. And I know it takes time for meds to kick in.

sorry you are having a hard time. I can relate to everything you are saying. As stated above, it is nice to have this site to vent. It is also nice to have ppl that get it. Hope you feel better soon.

And I'm going to have to change my antidepressant thanks to insurance. Making me order maintenance drugs for 3months and barely covering anything.... Eugh. Then I've got therapy tonight. We'll see how this goes. I am trying to stay positive and upbeat, maybe some of the changes I'm making in my routine will help. And irl interactions with someone who gets it will help along with new support (new therapist). It's not as dark right now, but I feel it's only a matter of time before I'm deeper in the hole.

Hope you are feeling more positive now. In this situation, I usually stuff my face full of ice cream and chocolate. It makes me feel a bit better temporarily - all that sugar. Sugar high.

Darvula

I keep trudging along because I know that's what I'm supposed to do. I have nieces and nephews that adore me (wife's words). I have my in-laws. I have my friends. Knowing all of that doesn't make this easier. It makes it harder. It seems to be crushing me. I have to keep going for all these people when all I want is too fade off screen for a while. I'm thinking about everything I've done and has been said to me and that feeds the depression which makes those thoughts worse. Vicious cycle that never seems to get better.

It's hard to think of others when we're not in a good place ourselves.

Lamactil tritates up so give it a bit of time.

Your ad change can't be too dissimilar to the one that you were on .....

Depression can cause those nasty little thoughts to go swirling around and around in our minds.

Know that this won't last forever.

You are not broken,you are blessed,your deepest fears unchallenged are the key to freedom,you are miraculous and posess what most are unable to recognize,,,I live with this gift as well and at times saw it as a stumbling block and it is not!It is amazing tobe broken enough to get on your knees and in this admission of weakness comes power beyond measure.

So I like my new therapist. She's already more helpful than my last one. Have a book to check out and feel better for now about dealing with this depression round. She learned more about me in one visit than my last therapist did the entire time I saw her. Now time for dinner bath reading and bed.

Glad you found a good one Thats huge !

So the book she suggested is called Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth. I'm kinda interested. I always thought something was wrong with them. We'll see if I can get a copy. I think I'm feeling placebo effect from seeing the new therapist. She only works Tuesday Wednesday and Friday, but I'll take it because it was easy to talk to her. Next week starts a new work schedule which might help some things. I get to sleep in a bit. I'll be going in 1 1/2 hours later.

I feel your pain. I just want to feel normal, feel comfortable somewhere, feel like I fit in, feel like i don't have to put on an act, not feel hopeless and depressed. I hope your meds and therapy help you feel better.

Trigger warning

And here it comes again down into depression suicidal thoughts. Passing and fleeing though they may be they are still there. I know they are. I have no intentions of acting out on these thoughts right now. I'm over this. I hate my job. Not really the job but my bosses. I don't want to go in to work. I'm ready to leave soon as I get there. I don't think I can do anything else. Maybe I should just let my mind do it's thing and stop being so controlling. I'm sure I'd do well. Wife is worried. She asked if I was safe. I promised. Can I let go and let it out? I can't because I won't go back together. If I let myself break wholly there won't be a me anymore. I wouldn't be able to function. I feel it when I crack like this. If I break completely I'll lose my job, my health insurance, our home, everything. So I must remain whole. If I break things will be bad. I don't even know what caused this. I was doing well, but I'm broken and there's no way to fix me. So this is life. I thought it got better as you age.

There is a difference between allowing yourself to just fall apart and allowing the darkness to take over that could indeed lead your life to a go down hill.

But

There is times when all your struggling and attempts to swim upstream just becomes to exhausting and you need to catch your breathe so this is when its time to just "float" for a awhile. It's okay to stop trying to figure it all out 24/7 .

You have to learn its okay to take care of you and not feel selfish because you can't always be 100% for everyone and everything .

Take care of you