Feeling panicked

It seems that since my symptoms returned almost 3 years ago I haven't been stable. All my doctor did was add new drugs to the old ones and proceed to increase the dosage. My current doctor is working to decrease the dosage if my lithium? Perhaps I should stop them altogether? I once believed that if I started taking psych meds and gave into psychiatry I would be giving into the devil and walking away from God. My doctor said it was a delusional belief but it seems that is just what has happened.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

Our bodies: Mutating, aging, hormonal shifts, food, exercise, adapting, changing and growing and with it so much our meds.

Imah, I think you are feeling suspicious of me. Because I am insane. I think most everyone on here hates me. I think I am a bubbling idiot. I think my mind hates me. I think I phlucking need to die. I think I don't normally swear. I think my family would be SO much better without the burden of me. I think if my husband replaced me, my kids would have so much better of a mother. I think I am nearly constantly in crisis mode anymore. I think my body and my mind hate me. I think this panic needs to stop. I think it just needs to end. I think maybe today is a REALLY bad day and I pray tomorrow will be better. I think all of this posting is COMPLETELY unnecessary but I can't seem to stop. I think I am screaming on the inside and hiding on the outside. I think I should become a recluse again. I think I should just cry and never stop. But, I can't. I don't understand why I am so negative. I think I have no idea what the he** is happening to me. But that happens often. Maybe not this badly? I don't even know anymore. I know if I showed this to my husband he would be like wth is wrong with my wife. I did tell him yesterday how I am feeling. He raised his voice and became upset with me and asked me angrily if I was threatening suicide. I feel awful.

I took a long hot shower hoping it would make me feel better. The solitude only perpetuated the lack of peace in my mind. I feel like an *** for all of my posts today. I wish I could delete them. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I am going to take a double dose of Klonapin, I think I really need it, and TRY to sleep...if I can get my mind to shut up. Tomorrow is a new day. I know it will be better. I know I will have some peace. Thank you all for your support. I am sorry I was so all over the place. I am sorry I am so paranoid.

Joyful Girl

Song by Ani DiFranco

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...

Cashart, good golly you are not the reason I was feeling odd. Not at all - and if you want to delete this thread you can I think. I was feeling suspicious, then jittery, guilty and paranoid tonight because I have been talking more then I am usually do and that makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. (Reminder I am still overcoming agoraphobia, and a social butterfly, with mania, who becomes agoraphobic, tends to have a lot of see sawing emotions during the healing process).

I do not think taking an extra dose of Klon is necessarily for the best. Follow your prescriptions to the letter. Telling our spouses the deepest feelings of our soul isn't always 100% the right thing to do, however they had best validate our feelings and be supportive more then 80% of the time. When you are feeling better next week or whenever, be sure and have a good talk with him about how to handle your more difficult moods. I had to do that also. We need to empower our family and friends support network so they know the right things to say, and when we do need outside help.

Now, you did good things today, you did get up and do some things with the kids, the house and finally even yourself - showering. That is great, you are probably on the up side of the darkness on the way to feeling better. I would agree with getting some good rest, avoiding caffiene for sure, trying to be very regimented in your schedule until you see the Dr. I am guessing your extreme depression is a side effect, swinging to the dark, instead of the light.

Our meds are all about balance, and when they are off - we know it for sure! Your talking to me today was balancing for me, because I felt like I was talking to myself. Someday when I am darkness and you are light, you will return the favor, because that is who we are. Good people who need to feel a togetherness with our surroundings, if we don't we feel like we could fall.

I tried to keep you from falling, and you kept me from flying away. That is what the sisterhood/brotherhood of PsychCentral is about, isn't it?

Good night friend. And good night all - best of luck to each of us. <3

Cashart - you are sooo grounded from listening to the blues when you are depressed! Just kidding, LOL! This is a GREAT song for mimicking the sensation of barely hanging on. No wonder you listened to it repeatedly, and don't let yourself tomorrow. I will try to find something, anything that might help. Here ya go, this song - you gotta smile. Remember you have friends, and your darling husband loves you and needs you. Best wishes my friend.

Hey, I know exactly what your going through. I can help you out if ya want me to ? message me!

Just a warning of my unpredictability. I don't want you to think you said anything wrong if I don't come on psychcentral for a bit, I tend to shell up when things start going bad and my earlier aggression is beginning to change into anger looking for a direction. I really enjoyed sharing time with you yesterday. I hope you have a good night ( and day if I am not back). I am not at all tired, just energetic, bottled and trying not to let my fuse get lit, invisible sparks flying all around. I have to find a productive task quick and stick with it before I get past these warning signs. ttys - best of luck and care to us all.

"But slow down
There's some sort of blessing here
But you've gone and missed your cue

So keep your eyes set on the horizon
On the line where blue meets blue
And I would let that silver lining
Where I know it'd find you soon

'Cause I have sailed a 1000 ships to you
But my messages don't seem to make it through"

Thank you. It made me want to both smile and cry and I hear you. I am, unfortunately, still listening to music that sustains my mood today...because I am a mess and make bad decisions for myself, ha! I will listen to this song for a while; I really like it and it is quite uplifting.

I kept my hair appointment today. My hairdresser is also a friend of mine who happens to know about my illness. She asked me how I was doing with the doctor switch and medication dosage change. We then talked about whether I was mentally ill or deal with great spiritual warfare (this of course led by me). She has of a more spiritual perspective so I was probably not talking to the right person as far as this is concerned. Anyway, what I really wanted to do was tell her how badly I am doing right now and then just hug her. She would have probably thought I am crazy. I feel so needy.

I would love to be there when you need it. I hope that this mania helps you to be productive and that you continue to find enjoyment from it. Thank you for listening to me.

Thank you don't worry be happy! I'm glad you understand and am grateful for your willingness to help.

Sorry. I hope today is better.

So, I am on PC this evening, detached from my husband, and I just keep refreshing, hoping there are more posts. Here's how I am feeling (yes, more song lyrics):

Somebody do something
Anything soon
I know I can't be the only
Whatever I am in the room
So why am I so lonely?
Why am I so tired?
I need backup
I need company
I need to be inspired

~Ani Difranco

Plus, I keep thinking so much of the stuff on here is about me; I don't do these things usually. I am feeling so insecure about it. I wish I was a well liked person. I wish I called my friends back and offered back as much as I suck out of people. I am probably fishing...desperate for attention...but, I honestly don't know how to hold my head above water. I need someone to do it for me. No one can. NO one can. But, it's like, I have to search for someone. I have to seek out someone (someone's words, someone's arms, someone's company) or I will die.

Thinking of you, and me, and all of us with our disorder. WAtching Castaway, and at the end he said, " I know what I gotta do, I gotta keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will blow in.

empathy smile for all of us. (CAshart - I will read the posts now, and respond)

Best of luck to us all. (I focus on breathing, keep breathing)

I am glad you enjoyed the song. In this comment you said you 'make bad decisions for yourself' I understand that feeling because I feel like I make bad decisions for myself too - but I have noticed I only feel that if I am giving time to myself instead of giving it to someone else. The guilt factor. So, I think I need to - and I mean, WE need to re-evaluate that guilt factor and maybe tweak it. Give ourselves an amount of time during the bad points of the illnesses symptoms and then give ourselves an amount of time to offer to others. This part is hard for me, cause it is hard to make any type of schedule. But I imagine the freedom in earning myself some selfish time. Example, I will get up at 7, take care of the kids and chores, and give myself 2 hours this afternoon to be totally in my shell. Then again 2 hours this evening. (just an example)

Very happy that you gave yourself a hair appointment. and fyi - I am a stranger hugger. You never know when you meet a few minutes best friend. Had you offered a hug, she probably would have complied.

My mania turned sour, got weird, did get 4 hours of sleep, got a little productive with a short fuse - but for me, kids grown - I have more attitude latitude.

I forced you to share with me - you tried to just leave a comment and move on. But consider how many lurkers who are to quiet or shy to talk have followed us along on our emotional journey and understood both perspectives and in essence laughed and cried with us. Dear kind Cas, this has never been about you, but its been about all of us and what we share. <3 <3 <3 to us all. Group hug. We all deserve it. Thank you Cas for sharing.