[DoubtingThomasina]

Yesterday, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder. I was placed on Lamictal. Okay...back up. A brief history of myself: I was born in a West African country, migrated to US in 1998. I have suffered from panic and anxiety for as long as I can remember but in my culture, mental illness is a taboo, hence I went undiagnosed and untreated. Well, in the last three years, after summoning the courage to seek help (in disguise) I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, panic disorder, anxiety disorder and my favorite...major depressive disorder. I am currently Culturally Schizophrenic (one foot in America, another in Africa). I have only just begun to accept my illness have been compliant. I have only just begun to tell friends of my depress. How can I deal with this? My family don't even know I was hospitalized for suicidal tendencies. The don't know I have been suicidal on five occasions in the past year. I have been rapid cycling for the last two years. I can't deal with this new diagnosis right now. I am in total shock!!! I can't believe I am mentally ill. If anyone one back home find out, it will ruin my family. What do I do? How do I go on? Is life really worth living when you have little or no control? How can I meet and marry a man when I have to tell him my secret? How can I describe my life as full when I am on four different medications? How did I get here? Why me?

[jattitude74]

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. I too have just been diagnosed with pibolar, generalized anxiety and OCD, I understand how overwhelming it can be. I was told by a few wise members that things do get better. Keep up with the meds and how about counseling?? That may help. The people who love you will eventually understand I am not sure about the whole cultural part though. Don't give up. I have read and heard that once they get the right combo of meds things do start to get easier to deal with. I am still waiting for that day although it has only been about 3 months for me, I still find myself in denial.As far as finding a man to marry, you will find one who loves you for who you are and will be willing to deal with all that goes with it. My doctor asked me if I would be ashamed if I had a heart condition or kidney porblems,, I told him no, he said the brain is an organ too and I should not be ashamed if I have a mental condition either. I have benn thinking about that the past few days and guess what I think he may be right!!!! PLease take care and good luck. you can pm me if you would like. And remember life is worth living

[DoubtingThomasina]

Thanks for your post. Over the last weekend...I have been going throught he motions. At first the shock wore off. The then it sunk in. I cried for hours and hours. I rolled up a pillow and put it against my face to muffle my yelling at screaming. I kept saying no...no..no..I can't deal with this. I can't handle this. I drank half a bottle of vodka then popped two half mg of ativan. I stayed on the phone with my psych nurse who wanted me to go to the ER. "Absolute not" I saie. "I work there!" She stayed with me till the ativan kicked (or the alcohol) whichever it was. Throughout the weekend, my feelings when from disbelief to resignation to acceptance. I have stopped drinking. Cold Turkey. And this is not easy for one with the highest alcohol tolerance in the twon. But I am a type a personality. when I set my mind to something. I get it done. Alcohol will be my new project. I am ready for a fight with this disease- Bring it on.

[jattitude74]

I am so happy that you have accepted the bipolar, i still have times where I am still in denial, it's hard to deal with. Congrats on the drinking part. alcohol and meds do not mix!!!! I was told to just keep up with the meds and not to miss doc's appointment. Was also told I should go to counseling but because of our insurance and lack of money due to meds, I can't. So that is why I am here.

[bizi]

You are struggling and sound very sad.
I am sorry for this I will find a good post about the "first 24 hours" for you.
There is so much to learn about ourselves and our pasts, the way we interact with others our issues have a lot to do with being bipolar, find a good therapists to help you deal with your issues as well.
bizi

[DoubtingThomasina]

I finally told my sister about my disorder. She loves me despite, even though she is quite unsure about how western medicine came to the conclusion that I am "crazy" She said "honey, i have known you all my life and I think you are a brilliant person. You can beat this using mind over matter. You have more power over your mind than you think you do."

Aaah, sisters...you gotta love em.

Anyway even my uncle in Detroit who is a clinical psychologist and a reverend concludes that prayer will rid me of my "problem".

Ha! You can take a man from Africa but you can't take the African out of the man.

On a side note...this quitting alcohol cold turkey thing is going well, with the help of the Ativan. Anxiety makes me drink and with the ativan holding it at bay, I am coping well.

Does anyone have thoughts on how to deal with Insomnia. I am currently on Trazodone - another antidepressant that knocks you out cold. I don't plan on staying on that forever.

Peace and love to you for your support.

[jattitude74]

You are luck to have a sister so understanding!!!! Mine was the opposite, oh well she just didn't understand. Letme know how the insomnia thing turns out. I have been on 150mg of trazodone for about 6months and I think I need a change too. You go from being completely awake to zonked out in a matter of 20 min. I don't know about you but I can't be woken up for anything after I take it.

[SaneBrain]

Newbie, you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. Give yourself a pat on the back for what you have accomplished: You've moved halfway around the world, you're employed, and you live indoors and eat on a regular basis. That's more than a lot of people can say, AND you've done it while 'mentally ill'.

It helps me to realize that Bipolar Disorder isn't a mental illness as much as it is a 'mood disorder', that it's genetic, that it's a result of brain chemistry, and none of it is my fault. Or yours. And now that you know what it IS, you can begin coping with it.

[DoubtingThomasina]

I am so disappointed in myself right now. I feel so guilty. When I said I had accepted my bipolar, I think I really convinced myself that I had. I have come to realize that I have not. I acknowledge that I have the disease but I have not accepted it. I think acceptance will come with time. Like every other project in my life, I attacked this new problem like it was a 25-page presentation "Bring it on!"

How brazen and foolish of me. The whole quitting alcohol cold turkey...well last night, after tossing and turning for hours, I finallly gave and walked five blocks to the liquor store, bought three bottles of Lexia and walked back home. I drank a whole bottle last night. I guess my ativan stopped working. I just couldn't turn off the racing thoughts. I took a bath, watched a movie..nothing worked. so I drank. Sweet Mother! It was like soft clouds over me. I felt relaxed and even managed to finish the book "an unquiet mind" by Kay Jamison Redfield.

So this morning, I looked in the mirror and wanted to cry. Now I know that I tried too hard to have normalcy. I have just learned normal does not come easy. I gotta fight for it every damn day...and probably fail from time to time.

Well, thanks to you all for allowing me to vent. I love you my fellow bipolaroids! (I like that word).

[bizi]

Having a dual diagnosis is quite common for us.
Trying to quit the alcohol in addition to everything else....
perhaps your pdoc or tdoc would give you some suggestions for coping or even a medication that would prevent you from drinking if that is something you want to do....not sure if you take a sleeping pill or not but that may help you to sleep better.
There are support groups all over the world for AA if you think this may help you.
Baby steps in all of this...baby steps, try not to be so hard on yourself...you do have alot on your plate.
(((HUGS)))
I wish you wellness.
bizi

[DaveyJones]

Wow...

From West Africa to North Dakota!!! Now that's culture shock!

It makes me sad to hear of your difficulties. I have been down some of the roads you are on. I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol for many years, and endured many years of deep, destructive depression before I started to get bettter.

I think the first real step I made in healing was when I realized, really understood that this disease is NOT MY FAULT! You have to come to a place where you stop beating yourself up about it. Until you do, you will try to "fix" yourself rather than working to treat your disease. (There's a BIG difference).

The next thing is to find a pdoc who is REALLY good at bipolar, and with whom you can work. You might try your local chapters of NAMI or DBSA for a "referral".

Probably the hardest (especially when you're manic and know everything) to do is to TRUST your pdoc. If your meds aren't working, call... they really do want you to feel better, and they can't help if they don't know what's going on.

Last, be patient. I know this is difficult. When you feel bad, you want to feel better NOW! Unfortunately, drug treatment for bipolar is a trial-and-error proposition. When it's right, you will feel good. It really is possible! I didn't think it was for a long time, but you can do it!

I hope you are safe and well... be strong, be positive. things will get better sooner or later!

Peace,
DJ

[DoubtingThomasina]

Thanks DaveyJones. I am trying to take it one day at a time. The best thing right now is that I have the support of my sisters. They don't understand it all, but they believe something is not right and they can't wait for me to come home in October, when they promised to "fix me". You gotta love sisters. I have two major stuggles...alcohol abuse and not knowing when I am really me. I am on so many meds that I can't put a finger on how I feel at anytime. I don't know where my disease ends and where I begin. Only alcohol gives me a sense of familiarity...Like "ah, I have been here before." I probably need to go to detox. But I can't afford it, being that I am planning a trip back home, which is not cheap. Well enough of my venting. Holla back.