Grrr...

Smart move to bring the posts to your therapist. And she is right about you being able to express yourself better than most people. That is why I enjoy reading your posts. You write very honestly and direct about things that are important to bring out about living with BP. No sugar-coating and no pretense in your writing. Thanks for that!

Thank you so much for that amazing and humbling compliment. You made my day! I'm not sure what to think about what my therapist had to say. I'm glad she doesn't think I'm delusional and thinks this kind of obsession is normal for me while manic, but the more I think about it, the moe I feel like she wrote off some of what I am feeling and some of what I had to say. I just don't know.

I think your therapist may be wrong.

I am basing this on my relation to music when I am manic.

I'm glad you did that and got some more personal feedback. I mostly thought she should see them to help her know the level of mania you were at and so I'm glad you shared and that she's had a chance to see how that is playing out when you aren't in her office.

How are you feeling today?

I called my pdoc's office today to let them know if they have any cancellations to call me. Well, they said he has a 6 PM available (they keep late hours). So, I have a pdoc appointment tonight. I am going to read him an abridged version of these posts and see if he thinks the same things. I wanted the appointment sooner because one: I wanted to discuss the sheer terror and indescribable internal agitation I experienced, I believe it was, Friday night, two: the paranoia, and three: the fact that my meds flat out aren't working. Maybe he can redeem himself (unlikely).

Good luck with pdoc! Just be honest about how you've felt and what you want in treatment. Be your own advocate!

Thank you Jen! I am feeling a little out of my mind...rambling, even some to myself, and jittery and nervous. And, when I'm listening to music, driving, singing, smiling, I am delightfully euphoric.

Ah euphoria is nice while it lasts; What I would give for some right now.

I've never had that kind of euphoic mania. It's hard for me to imagine. But knowing how I feel with my dysphoric manias I can imagine that it's a pretty powerful experience.

I do know all about the talking too much and too fast and then realizing someone is listening to all the thoughts in my head pile out rapidly and senselessly and I do not like that.

I hope the pdoc is able to help for real this time. Please do not let him give you anything more stimulating. In fact this may be a really good time to ask for something to counter all the stimulants, like a really low dose of Seroquel to help prevent things like your bad experience Friday night. If he did something like that he would be doing something good for you for once. I really wonder if you'd be going through this at all without so much stimulation from meds.

Just left the pdoc. He said he didn't think the music thing was weird at all...maybe just a little obsessive. He suggested I listen to the same song on repeat for half an hour and the change songs. He said I am bisexual like a large portion of the population. Other than that, he just asked me to describe my mood. The only medicine change he made was cutting my antidepressant in half. He said this WILL work. He even forgot that he had raised my klonapin to 2 MG. He said "now is that still .5 MG of Klonapin? ". He just made the change a few days ago. That was my far the most nerve racking appointment I have ever had! I was so scared to read him all that stuff! Anyway, I guess second opinion it is.

I'm sorry. I'm sure you wanted him to prove himself. I am glad he cut the AD but I really wish he'd cut the vynase or given you something calming. I don't think the song thing is weird, I just think it is symptomatic and probably just a normal part of you that has grown into something bigger while you are manic.

It happens in so many ways. I'm usually not an impulsive spender but I spent hours the other night trying to figure out how to tweak my budget to allow me to buy $45 of nail wraps......and I only ever do my toenails, making that a HUGE amount of wraps, especially since my ability to wear anything but sneakers until next summer when my ankle is more healed from my reconstruction surgery. I think $45 of wraps that nobody could see would be a waste but I was totally fixated on it. In fact I have to re-do my budget to put that money back on bills where it belongs. When mania strikes it makes no sense whatsoever sometimes but when it hits something a lot closer to home than my ridiculous must have lovely hidden toenails (like your music) it's just a lot harder to figure out where baseline is and where the excess of mania has taken over.

This disease is just not pretty. I have GERD and it is increased by my Seroquel dose. Last year I had trouble and my nexium dose was increased to twice a day. Now I'm having issues again and I know there isn't any other med that can help and I don't want to be referred to a GI dr for a scope when I know what the problem is. So complaining about this to someone yesterday led to hearing about an OTC natural thing that is not very good tasting but it helped immediately. If only bipolar was so easy.....I'd drink a lot more of a nasty liquid than I am for the GI issue if it would only make the bipolar disappear.

I don't know. It just seems like a lot of your people (irl) the Pdoc and T and mom etc are focusing too much on the music thing and not enough on the other parts. The ones that you told us were concerning to you like the terror and internal agitation and paranoia. I think we all agree that the music thing is just a part of your mania. But there is a lot of other stuff going on.

My pdoc DID focus on the terror, internal agitation (in particular), and paranoia. He just assured me that cutting the anti depressant in half would solve all these problems. And he made no other changes. He didn't, I will say (at least yet) titrate my lamictal up to 800 MG. He left it at 600 MG.

Also, he said that the desire to flee is perfectly normal in mania. I said I know, but the compulsion is overwhelming, I have actually considered it. I said what happens if I do drive to Florida? Will I just drive there stay a few days and come home. He just said, "well yeah." He offered no advice to contradict my compulsion.

And, it is not that simple. My husband has said if I do that I will not have a house to come home to and papers will be drawn. A lot is at stake. I feel lost in all of this.

Yeah, he REALLY let me down. The thing is, I saw him from age 15 - 20 and twice over the last 3 years. I have quite a history with him and I really like him a lot. It makes me sad to think of leaving him for good.

It is sometimes very hard to figure out the difference between baseline and mania. I think if there is a clear lack of sleep, I am agitated, and euphoric for a few days at a time it becomes obvious to me. There are apparently other symptoms to my family. My husband even says my damn pupils dilate and are huge. That is his first sign, he swears

That's kind of funny about your nail wraps, poor Jen! I'm so sorry to hear about your GERD but I'm glad you found an OTC remedy for you GI issues. I hear you and I understand you about wishing for an easy cure. I pray for one!

That happened in my worst manic episode, I looked like I was high

I got kicked out of a contract position because of the pupil thing. People decided I was on drugs and nobody cared that I was on meds with side effects and that I was willing to be drug tested at any time of any day. (There was more to the story including a lawsuit that some women won saying anyone with a disability in that company was fired but my eyes were brought up as a major factor in being booted. Fortunately my company was incredibly supportive but it was still a very low point in my career).

I'm sitting Indian style piled in the driver seat of my car while my baby sleeps in the back seat. I have so much panic, agitation, inner turmoil that the only solution is do you think my kids would find out if I hurt my stomach? I don't know if I can wait 8 weeks to get a second opinion. What am I going to be doing; what am I going to be doing and feeling by then? My doctor did nothing for me and he could, I'm sure, clearly see I was manic how could he not change anything if I am struggling. It makes me so angry. . How could he so, well, either cruel or stupid?

He just sucks. I wish I could give you some of my stupid seroquel. I think that would make you feel better.

Don't cut your stomach. That would really hurt and make a big mess. I'm sure your kids would notice all the blood.

I understand your frustration with having to wait to see someone. Going to be doing that soon myself, with no one to call if things get bad. Sigh,

I wish your doctor wasn't so useless!

Please don't hurt yourself. Can you tell your husband what is truly going on with you? And that you are having strong urges of hurting yourself?
IMO you are getting to a point where you need more help than you can give yourself right now. I understand your despair, and truly feel for you.
And hurting yourself will only make everything A LOT worse.

I didn't think my niece would notice...but she did. I had to lie to her.

I honestly don't feel despair...just agitation to the point I could hurt someone or myself, really badly. I don't think I will do it but if I could end the urge and somehow disrupt this dysfunctional EMOTIONAL agitation that is mostly internal, I would have relief. It seems like only meds could do this and my pdoc's only solution other than the klonapin was to cut the Zoloft in half. It pisses me off...then again, everything pisses me off UGH!

I did tell my husband but all he said was he is so sorry and he can't relate because he's never experienced this. Granted, I didn't tell him I wanted to hurt myself.

I'm really starting to agree that he sucks. I am just sitting at my sons therapy appointment absolutely crawling in my skin and there is nothing I can do about it. Thank you for the good advice and I'm sorry you're going to be in limbo land.

Your stimulants aren't helping matters.

Read the msg I sent you and follow my advice. Trust me

If you really think you don't need to go IP (if for no other reason that they could make you comfortable NOW instead of waiting so long--and even if you could see a new dr. today going IP would make sense because if you do all the changes you'll need OP it will be slow whereas IP could do a lot at once and get you comfortable in a matter of days) then maybe when you go to the walk-in place and tell them these feelings they will get you in to a dr. sooner. I think they are more likely to say that going IP lets them adjust your meds faster etc and that this is the better option but they could go either way I suppose. When do you plan to go to the walk-in place?