[sorand0m]

I've had a bit of a crap week and have a heading into the pit feeling. I saw my doctor as part of one of my regular check-ups and completely lost it. Doc asked if I was still taking my meds and when I said yes, he actually said that I'm coming across like I'm not. I lost it and I feel pretty awful about it now. I AM taking my meds though so it seemed like a really ****** thing to say.

I've also spent more time at home just thinking. My life so far has been an unmitigated disaster. I have few thing to be pleased about. Everything I've achieved I've managed to screw up spectacularly, through poor choice or bipolar. I just can't see that changing. It's like running a race, coming last and being told "at least you tried". How ****ing pointless is that?

Like being asked at a job interview "Where do you see yourself in x years?" Most would think 'ooohhhh, cars, money, my own company, all of that'. Well **** that. I don't want any of those things. No, only one thing. Content with life. Because right now I'm not. I lead a pointless existence and have nothing to show for my time. I often think that being content in old age would be nice to see because I doubt I'll make it that far. 45 more years of this? No chance.

Thanks for taking the time to read, I just needed to vent a little and here is one of the few places I can tell it like it is without being told that I'm wrong/ depressed/ crazy/ ridiculous. When even your doctor comes out with words that basically say 'you're acting a bit nuts' without saying it, it's a bit jarring.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you have had a tough week. It sounds like it sure could have gone better. I'm sure your doctor will forgive you as I'm sure it's not the first time he's had someone lose it in his office.

Job interviews are tough. I hate those stupid questions that they ask. They make me want to scream, "I just want a job so I can pay my bills."

My life is screwed up too by some bad choices/bipolar, so I understand feeling disappointed. But we make good choices too, we just can't see them because we only see the bad ones.

I hope you have it better this week.

[sorand0m]

Today's not any better. I've tried to stay positive these last few weeks but I'm having a really hard time. Circumstances outside of my control are coming to the end and the outcome isn't going to be good. I'm going to lose my job for sure. Maybe my house with it. I don't know what to do.

I didn't sleep well last night unsurprisingly. That feeling of sadness is deep inside and even speaking about them to others is making me noticeably upset. I can barely be bothered with such things like eating.

Possible trigger:

Crappy thoughts in my head again. Falling asleep and not waking up? I couldn't care anymore.

What can I do? All I can do is smile. Smile and pretend that everything is fine. I am not fine.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Do you have family or a support system?

[Capriciousness]

(((((((Sorand0m))))))))))

AW man. That ****ing SUCKS.

Yes. ewww to the pdoc. Did you tell him/her that that offended you? I wonder what they'd say.

and dude this...

"Like being asked at a job interview "Where do you see yourself in x years?" Most would think 'ooohhhh, cars, money, my own company, all of that'. Well **** that. I don't want any of those things. No, only one thing. Content with life. Because right now I'm not. I lead a pointless existence and have nothing to show for my time. I often think that being content in old age would be nice to see because I doubt I'll make it that far. 45 more years of this? No chance."

aww so poignant. painful. true.

i often say that i have lost all goals except for being well in life. well and helping people.

Please keep checking in

[sorand0m]

Originally Posted by Hashi/bipolar mom

Do you have family or a support system?

I do. I'm just not prepared to burden them again.

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

Yes. ewww to the pdoc. Did you tell him/her that that offended you? I wonder what they'd say

i often say that i have lost all goals except for being well in life. well and helping people.

Please keep checking in

No, I stormed out in a PO'ed fashion. I'm not even going to bother bringing it up again to him. I've not even got a message about my next appointment. I don't care.

I've spent most of my time since my last post sleeping. Had a phone call from a friend to check I'm fine, but they know I'm not. Spending time thinking about how useless I am isn't helping me although I wouldn't be great company right now. I just want it all gone. Morbid thoughts in my head again. I won't go into detail but there's more appeal to them than there is to the rest of my life. "Luckily" for me a few drinks tends to shut my head up for a while.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

I'm so sorry! I've been where you are at in your thinking. Glad that you have a friend, let them in even if you don't want to. Keep us updated!

Hugs!

Sorry you have had it rough. maybe the next week will bring you better feelings : )

[Shadesofdark]

I am so sorry you are having such a rough week. Most of us have been right where you are now. I know it seems like there is no way it can get better but it can. Please don't worry about the stupid doctor now, try to get some help from your friend, If only for him to tell you that you mean something to him. Please keep posting here, we really do want you to keep us updated, we do care. You do mean something to us, even if we have never met, we can relate. I wish you well.

[TamarKirk]

Thank you for your kind words Shadesofdark. (You did not write them to me but still...)

[sorand0m]

I was woke up at about midday. Spent most of the night drinking and I'm still a bit out of it. I got told to give my pdoc a call but after last weeks outburst I'm not really feeling like it. This whole thing is ********, all of it.

[Shadesofdark]

Hi, thanks for keeping us updated, I was wondering how you did last night. I know you don't want to hear this but drinking always makes my depression worse...just sayin.
If you still don't feel like calling the doc you are mad at then wait a few days, but if he is your pdoc, you will eventually wind up calling him, might as well get it over with, it would be a good opportunity to confront him about the whole 'you don't look like your on your meds' thing. A lot of times when I am in the place you are in right now it is often due to self medicating or maybe even in need of a med adjustment, but since you said you were being compliant right now, I guess that's not it.
If you want to wait a bit before you contact him I understand that, I have been there before, but you don't want him to mistake your being pissed at him for something else.
This will all get settled out eventually, and this is the place to vent in the mean time. Do not forget we are here for you.
Please keep us posted, even if it is just to vent.

[Capriciousness]

Hey sorand0m, how is it going?

Just call the stupid Pdoc. He's a Pdoc. I'm sure he has seen worse. Just be honest with him. Or just get your meds and go.

Thats my 2 cents but what do I know.

Can you check in with us though?

[sorand0m]

Checking in.

Hard week. Can't get in to see my doc for a couple of weeks but after a chat my AD has been increased a bit, from 225mg to 375mg and seeing how I get on over the next few weeks. Didn't mention anything about the booze since I don't need the hassle from the pdoc right now. Maybe in a couple of weeks.

Didn't say anything about the meds comment either. I'm just so tired. First time in a week I've turned my computer on. Not changed clothes. I just feel like a horrible burden to my family who are struggling both financially and emotionally because I am ill. Defective. Broken. This is not how life should be for them.

[LettinG0]

Thanks for the update.......Hope the med increase helps.......

Thinking of you!

(((((Sorand0m)))))

[Angelwngs25]

I'm sorry you are feeling not-content in life. I am feeling the same way right now. I have been with my Fiance for 7 years now and we have yet to be able to get married. So I'm feeling pretty fu**** over myself. My Fiance was supposed to start training for a Managerial position months ago and he just now was told they will be starting it in November. I was starting to wonder if he was ever going to get that job training to get the job.

Oh, and my friend went off on me on Tuesday and I just met him. But he is Schizophrenic so the fact that he thought I was out to get him is not surprising.

[Daonnachd]

Random, perhaps it will help to know that all of us understand quite well the poor self-image, the struggles with healthcare providers, the relationships with friends, and the burden we wish to avoid being for family. Remember, too, that there are many who would help if they only knew the solution.

[sorand0m]

Nothing has really changed since yesterday. I still feel awful and I can't even face simple things like leaving the house. Took my meds as I'm supposed to which I suppose is a plus that I'm still being compliant. More so since I have been non-compliant on more than a few occasions. Still drinking too much but it helps me sleep.

Which right now seems to be the only escape from my own head.

[sorand0m]

Been awake 29 hours. I'm a mess. Angry and tearful. Miserable.

Looking for a reason to carry on but I can't find any. I'm really struggling but I don't want help anymore. I'm beyond help. There's no point when my existence is so ******. I've thought about the night just taking me away and the days I want that to happen are more frequent. Then I would have peace.