[Pearl9327]

I'm not sure I'm the kind of Bipolar II to go through cycles. But if I am, I'm going through one right now.

I am feeling antisocial right now. I want to dedicate my life to being single and limit my social interactions. I am fantasizing about shaving my head to symbolize how I have sworn off dating and marrying. I want to scare all men away from approaching me so I wouldn't have to deal with any drama.

I want to scare away all women too so they wouldn't pressure me to date, or make "compliments" on my looks and appearance. Sometimes I fantasize about running a thin knife over my face so it would be permanently scarred and everyone will leave me alone. Just that. I want to be left alone.

I don't want to be a nasty *****, but I do want to effectively keep people away from me. It sounds strange that I put myself "out there" by getting involved in my church, trying to become a mental health advocate, working on my journalism career, just plain socializing, and yet I want to be as antisocial as possible. Part of me loves hurting people by being cold and standoffish. I especially love it when I am rude and cold towards baristas and store cashiers. They see my sad or angry face, and they try to cheer me up, and I flat out ignore them.

I believe the reason why I do all this is because I am lashing out at society in general. I was the type of kid who was viciously bullied from kindergarten to even college. To a degree, I hate people and want them to pay for bullying. It angers me that while growing up, people denied me any social acceptance, but once I hit my early 20s, suddenly everyone wanted me to be part of the group like everyone else. Ugh! The world spends years denying me social acceptance, and then suddenly it wants me to be a part of it?!

Refusing to ever date or have a boyfriend or even get married is like the perfect rebellion against a world that suddenly wants me to be a part of it. If being in a relationship has some sort of positive social status, then I want no part in it. I don't feel its anyone's business that I'm seeing someone or in a relationship with someone. I remember when I dated guys and the way people stuck their noses in to it, and thought it was so cute that we were seeing each other. I hated it and even now, the memories make me feel sick. Seriously, who cares? I can't stand how being in a relationship is the only sign of a successful life, and there's nothing else to symbolize you did well in life. And who the hell am I answering to, anyway?

Anyway, me choosing to remain single for good is the perfect way to stick the middle finger up at the whole social world. That way, no one has any control over me, no guy can come near me, no woman can influence me, my looks and appearance belong to me and not society. It's like a big power trip, and it feels good.

Yeah, part of me feels wrong and guilty about this, like its unnatural to want to remain an island. I've had this problem on and off since I was a teenager. I'd go for a couple of years wanting to remain single and friendless, then go for a few years wanting to be social like everyone else. I appear to heading back into the antisocial cycle again after trying to be sociable for a couple of years. However, this time I want to have friends only and keep guys at a cool, safe distance. There's something funny about tormenting guys this way, like knowing how it hurts them that a woman just wants to insult them is like a huge power trip. Seriously, seeing a guy's face crumble is hysterical!

I had really bad experiences this year over dating, men, physical appearances, women friends, etc. I just want to lash out over what I've been through and not have to deal with dating, relationships, sex, etc. ever again. It's been so stressful, and it caused my first hypomanic episode in 9 years. I've been on a mental and emotional roller coaster nonstop since March, and I'm tired of it. I just want the whole damn world to leave me alone and stay the ***** away from me.

Yet, I've falling apart again. I've been having crying spells in public, detached from everything around me, acting childishly flirtatious with every man that passes me by, forgetful and moody. I'm such a mess now, and there's no one to turn to because everyone is a judgmental a**hole. I'm losing it, and my medication isn't keeping me steady. Granted, I forgot to take them for four days due to an intense work schedule. I wonder if the stress that I'm under is causing me to act bizarrely.

Is this possible? What's going on here? Help!

[Edgar's Mom]

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and you are having a hard time.... That sucks and I'm really sorry :-(

If your meds aren't working you need to see your pdoc and if you feel unstable, the sooner the better.

Do you have a therapist to talk to? It might help you to sort through some of the social stuff and the trauma from being bullied so badly.

FWIW, I have bipolar II as well but I don't relate to much of what you describe...but everyone's different.

I have never experienced wanting to (or enjoying) hurting someone, or the extreme ambivalence about social stuff. I also don't feel detached in the way you describe. It sounds horrible for you :-(

I do become somewhat antisocial when I'm depressed though and I withdraw from people. And of course I'm way more social when I'm up.

I really hope someone can offer you more I can.

This is a great group and there is a lot of collective knowledge here.

And stress and not taking meds can do all sorts of stuff...



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[Pearl9327]

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and you are having a hard time.... That sucks and I'm really sorry :-(

If your meds aren't working you need to see your pdoc and if you feel unstable, the sooner the better.

I've thought about switching pdoc because my current one isn't very good. She's sweet, but disorganized.

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

Do you have a therapist to talk to? It might help you to sort through some of the social stuff and the trauma from being bullied so badly.

Yes, she's been on vacation though. I should be seeing her later this week.

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

FWIW, I have bipolar II as well but I don't relate to much of what you describe...but everyone's different.

I have never experienced wanting to (or enjoying) hurting someone, or the extreme ambivalence about social stuff. I also don't feel detached in the way you describe. It sounds horrible for you :-(

I don't see it that way. At least not now. I don't see what the big deal is in giving someone the cold shoulder so they can experience rejection. Some people need that in their lives. Plus, its a way to play the game of life. There's a lot of terrible people out there and you can't be a wimp - you gotta play the game.

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

I do become somewhat antisocial when I'm depressed though and I withdraw from people. And of course I'm way more social when I'm up.

I really hope someone can offer you more I can.

This is a great group and there is a lot of collective knowledge here.

And stress and not taking meds can do all sorts of stuff...

Thanks



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[Pearl9327]

I've calmed down some more, and now have more clarity.

I'm simply upset over my dating life and future prospects of having a family of my own. I'm 33, and I'm so upset that the chances of me having a child, or even two, are decreasing and I may have severe fertility problems. But then again, what are the chances of me even getting married and having children? My dating life is nowhere, and I feel like a failure to be 33 and no where near getting married. I feel like the whole world is judging me for not being partnered with someone. I also feel terrible that I can't attract a decent guy, and my bipolar diagnosis most likely will scare away a lot of men. I have zero confidence in myself and it shows. I expect to be rejected all the time. Whenever I try to have hope, and go to single events and nothing happens, I become hysterical.

I've always been envious of other women getting boyfriends and getting married. I've hated couples since high school. This envy turns me into a monster, much like what I wrote in the first post here, and a lot of times I don't care who I hurt. I am so filled with envy and hopelessness. I don't think I could ever stop crying.

I've always had bad social skills, which is why I didn't start to date until I was in my mid-20s. But even then, I had no confidence and dated guys I didn't really like or treated me poorly.

I screwed up my whole life. I'm going to die alone. I'm a failure!

[Edgar's Mom]

(((((HUG)))))))

When you said that you are not the type of Bipolar II to cycle, do you mean that you are stable on your meds or else stable without?

I ask only because if you are not stable, it will be hard for you to deal with any of this other stuff. It's pretty hard to work on self esteem (or anything) in the midst of a deep depression for example.

I'm happy that you are able to see your therapist as well later this week as it sounds like you could use some support right now.

The zero confidence, expectations of rejection and envy are all things that can be worked on and overcome with time and a good therapist.

Your worth as a human being does not depend on your being in a relationship. Your worth is for who YOU are, not who you are with. The whole world isn't judging you... I know this because I know I certainly wouldn't do so, and I'll bet the other people on this board wouldn't either. Anyone who does judge you is not worth your time.

If you expect to be rejected, it makes rejection more likely. You can change that. As for the envy... I really hear the pain in what you have written and my heart goes out to you.

I hate feeling envy. I don't get it often, but when I do I feel like crap. It sucks. Envy can be overcome. I would look at working to get that out of your life as soon as possible. It is poison and it is not helping you. Have you discussed this with your therapist?

You are not a failure. You are here reaching out for help and you are being very honest about things that many people would not have the courage to admit to themselves, let alone to other people. The fact that you are here tells me that you are not a failure at all. You are someone with problems (like the rest of us) who is trying to get better.

You are no more a failure than any of the rest of us. We are all here because we struggle.

Identifying your problems is the first step to making positive changes. The next step is to make a plan. Then build or gather supports and start making those changes. You've already started :-)

I hope when you do date, you never settle for someone you don't like or who treats you poorly. You deserve much better than that.

[lovejoy91]

Stop being so hard on yourself! Life is too short to be so uptight. Relax. Build up your confidence level. You have to put yourself in a position to attract the right guy for you. For example, meet guys at a lounge or events. Get out of your comfort zone.

In regards to being bullied, that doesn't give you an excuse to be one. I understand that you were hurt before but that doesn't make it right to bully others to cover up the scars. Go talk to a therapist because your problems can be solved if you're willing to work for it.

[Pearl9327]

I actually don't bully others. I used to, many years ago. I was someone who grew up to be a bully in my early 20s. I read somewhere that those who've been powerless like that grow up to believe they must overpower others in order to get by in life. And I was very insecure back then, and filled with hurt and anger.

The reason why I wrote that first post was because I was in this rage at myself. I had hurt someone because of my envy (ok, that's bullying there) and I didn't want to admit it, though I felt terrible about it. It doesn't happen often but when I feel totally guilty and hate myself, I go into this rage like I'm so ashamed that I can't handle it. I think overall I am a good, nice person but I tend to fly off the handles and turn into this monster due to stress or shame. I don't know if it because of being bipolar or I have emotional problems. Either way, I'm not proud of it. Maybe I am just too hard on myself

BTW, I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my opening post. I was not functioning well when I wrote that.

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