[Jensitive22]

I am in my second marriage, five years, and my previous marriage was 26 years. Both husbands have shown a propensity for loud, nasty displays of anger. I can't handle it. I shut down. It scares me. I desperately try to diffuse it, and when I can't, I just freeze up and take it.

Last night a neighbor came over to complain about our dog. His barking was bothering her. My husband was watching a baseball game. After a couple of minutes of listening to her, he lit into her, yelling and cussing. I was shocked, and I tried to apologize to her and asked her to leave because things we're spinning out of control, but she just stood there ignoring me, arguing with my husband. I pleaded with them to stop and went into another room and shut the door. He kept yelling, telling her that I had mental issues and that complaining about our dog was going to stress me out. I came back out and told them both that their fighting was upsetting me, but he kept going, yelling that I was bipolar. I was shocked and hurt. I'm sure everybody on our street heard him. Again, I told them to stop, that I couldn't handle this, and the woman told me to go back into my bedroom! That was it. I told her to leave, again, that she was just throwing gasoline on my husbands anger, and I pushed her towards the door, apologizing as I shut it. I went into the bedroom, and sat on the bed in shock. My husband stood in the doorway and yelled at me for not backing him up. He turned around and continued ranting loudly about how angry he was for a while longer. I just wanted to die, I was so miserable, hurt and upset. I layed on the bed for a couple of hours, jumping inside every time I heard his chair or the floor creak in front of the door.

I am 53 years old. I don't have a job, have no money of my own and no place to go. I can't ask my children to help me. When I feel this hopeless, suicide seems like my only option.

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm sorry that happened.

First off, your husband and neighbor arguing are not your fault. Obviously if she was going to stand there arguing she probably has a temper, too. Your husband probably needs anger management. Is there any chance you can talk to him when he's in a good mood about it?

Secondly, are you on disability? If you have disability you can sign up for subsidized housing. Sometimes there's a waiting list (like in my state it's 3 years.) But if your husband is being truly abusive to you and you really do not feel safe, you could see if there's a woman's shelter to help you get on your feet.

Finally, suicide is not the answer. I know it's hard when things are scary and I struggle with suicidal thoughts, too. But I've learned they are a symptom of something else and not the truth. Do you have a therapist? If your husband won't see someone, then you should, and specifically work on coping during confrontation.

[DysphoricManicMom]

I see that you have GAD so you must feel terrified in those situations. Is your husband aware that its not just stressing you out? That it's putting you into fight or flight (sounds like you do the flight thing, which is the safest option when dealing with short tempered people). Me and my boyfriend have had some pretty explosive arguments and he is known to come bursting through the door to yell in my face so when any time there has even been the slightest bit of conflict between us I get anxious just hearing the keys in the door, so I know what you must be feeling, it is true fear. He needs to know how much he scares you. If you think you can get through to him so he can get help himself (youre not the only one with issues obviously, so he needs to see that about himself) then itd be worth talking to him about it. But if you feel he is tje type that says, thats just how I am, deal with it, then you may be better off getting away. In my opinion, his behavior is not on you or your mental illness, its on him. Someone without mental illness would be scared. Youre not wrong to feel the way you do, with or without MI. Its not how you feel that is the problem, it is his behaviors. Im just pointing that out, because i dont want you to feel like if you didnt have MI Youd be able to deal better and that you are somehow overreacting where you shouldnt be. Sometimes we do overreact because we do feel things more intensely, but in this case yoi not being able to handle conflict and confrontation is "normal". His behaviors are what need looked at.

[Ripose]

Your husband definitely over-reacted to the neighbors complaint about about the barking dog. He could have calmly dealt with that issue by maybe bringing the dog inside. He has to realize how annoying and disruptive a barking dog is to other people who reasonably expect peace and quiet in their own homes.

Had it been my dog I would even have entertained the notion of getting rid of the dog. However this does nothing to address the problem of his anger issues. I don't suppose he is the type of person who would visit a professional about his anger. But you never know unless you can talk to him when he is calm. Also there is the thought that if he keeps yelling all the time that someone will call social services on him by someone who is concerned with your welfare.

I wish you all the best and truly hope you can find the money, assistance and courage to leave this abusive situation if things do not not change soon.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

It sounds to me like you have PTSD like me. I grew up where my dad was constantly screaming and verbally abusing us. My last job, my very rude boss confronted me about something in a very unprofessional way. I had a panick attack so bad I blacked out and never saw that place again. So hear I am, 6 months later and terrified to get a job now.

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[Skeezyks]

Hello Jensitive22: I am so sorry to read of your struggle. I send you sincere wishes for deep peace...

[Jensitive22]

Thank you for your support and advise, I really do appreciate the responses to my post. I wanted to update my earlier post and also clarify a couple of things.

First, the neighbor came back over today and wanted to apologize for how things went. She felt she had gone a little overboard in her complaints about our dog. My husband also apologized to her telling her that he was totally out of line for getting so angry, that she had a legitimate right to be concerned about the barking, and that we would work harder to keep him quiet. They hugged, and all was good... between them. Next, he sat down with me and admitted that he totally list it last night and tried to explain himself. A few years back we lived in a condo with neighbors upstairs. They constantly complained about our dog. He was a puppy and I was trying to train him, but any noise he made bothered them. I was not willing to give up the dog because I love him and he is a source of comfort. So we moved because I couldn't handle the stress anymore. We lived in a house for a couple of years. It was a dog friendly area and I relaxed and had some peace. A year ago we had to move again, unfortunately, due to the loss of my job. We live in a small trailer in a senior park. When the neighbor came to complain last night, my husband was afraid all of that stress and anxiety was going to hit me again and make me fearful about living here, and he lost it. He apologized for losing his temper and putting me through that.

Finally, this gave me an opportunity to explain to him how I felt last night. We've had this conversation a few times before, but I think he really heard me this time. About the dog: he really only barks when my husband is home because my husband is loud, boisterous and playful. He needs to take him to the park and do the playing there and work on being quieter and calmer at home. When he is calm, the dog is quiet. About me: I need to feel safe in my home and with him. When he loses his temper and yells, I don't feel safe. Ninety percent of the time he is loving, attentive, and protective, but that is all negated when he behaves in a way that makes me feel afraid.

He has never physically harmed me, and I don't think he ever would, but he doesn't have to, to hurt me. This is what I really tried to stress to him.

One of the posts asked if I was on disability. No, I'm not. I don't qualify because my teacher's salary over the past 10 years did not pay into social security, but instead it went into a state pension fund which I can't touch until I am 65. So, I have not worked enough quarters that payed into social security over the past 5 years. I don't qualify for SSI because my husband earns too much. I have not tried to see if I could qualify for disability through the state retirement fund. I quit my job, due to stress, and I am afraid that the state would really fight my claim. As I am not under a doctors care now, and cannot afford a lawyer, there would be nobody in my corner advocating for me.

I went to my first appointment at the mental health clinic on 9/28. It was to be an intake appointment, but quickly turned into a strongly worded recommendation that I check myself into the state mental hospital. I came into the appointment very anxious and was not as focused and articulate as I would have liked to have been. I came off as suicidal and unstable. She was very nice to me, but she saw an older cutting scar on my arm when I was moving my chair around and it immediately set off a red flag. When I also answered honestly to questions about suicidal thoughts, that was enough for her to decide I needed to be hospitalized where I could be medically stabilized and have "eyes on me" for a few days. I told her I would think about it and talk to my husband about it. I took a Valium when I got home, and I did talk to my husband about it. I decided not to go. Honestly, the idea of going into a state hospital scares me to death on a lot of different levels. I have another appointment 11/10 at the MH clinic to finish the intake. Despite the lengthy hypomanic episode I had the summer of 2009, she has doubts about my 2009 BPII diagnosis. She is leaning more towards MMD and anxiety. This has been unsettling for me, to say the least. I already struggle with my own personal doubts about the validity of my illness. Am I really mentally ill, or am I just a lazy, weak, neurotic individual with
character flaws?

[tipper1492]

OH MY GOD if I may say. I can not blame you, but I think you never should have married again after 26 yrs with the other. Your, in a way of speaking, stuck now, unless you file for divorce. Your husband is totally out of control. I hate to tell you, if you don't know it, 90% of Bipolar marriages end in divorce. Search Google. I am married, but only because I got diagnosed, and take meds that work. My wife had it hard for 20 yrs for sure. I honestly believe she came very close to divorcing me. I'm the one who is Bipolar.

[tipper1492]

I'm glad the dust has settled, and all the hugs. This may be of very little use, but you can read this on PSYCHIATRY on-line. 69% of Bipolar people are misdiagnosed or misdiagnosed initially, and more than 1/3 remain misdiagnosed. That some what a scary thought, and it makes you wonder who to trust. I had a different psychiatrist for 5 + yrs until I chanced to another psychiatrist. My new one, as best as I can tell, diagnosed me correctly, and the medications I am on do help keep my stable for the most part. Maybe it wouldn't hurt if you and your husband had some professional help. Maybe a group for Bipolar people. Good luck, and many happy days.

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm glad you were able to talk to your husband about the situation. Sometimes it's hard for spouses to understand exactly what we're going through. And I'm glad your neighbor apologized and your husband also apologized. It sounds like a lot of good came from it in the end.

I'm glad he listened to you about his anger. As someone who has anger problems, I can say it is hard to deal with anger. Now, I haven't always had anger issues, but for your husband yelling may be a long time habit. He might need some help and practice to learn new ways to express anger. So, if he is willing to do anything to help with his anger that would be good. Even if it's read self-help books or online is better than nothing.

As for your diagnosis, I can't say. I have BP II and GAD as well. I was also diagnosed in 2009 and I was not medicated for a long time, and when I was on medicine it was very short term, sometimes only for a week. I recently started on Lithium and it's been a month now. I'm a lot better. I feel better. I'm not prefect, but my anger is better and I have better concentration than I did. (Still not perfect but better.) Anyway, seeing a therapist also helped me with a lot of things. Just take care of yourself.