Trigger: Church this morning

I went to church with just my kiddos this morning (they were in kids church so I was alone) and heard laughing outside the sanctuary. I am almost certain the laughing wasn't real. Then I became incredibly paranoid that someone was going to come and shoot up the kids church. I know my daughter would stand up for her devotion to the Lord and I would be proud, but she would be dead. I cried during worship and tried to stay but couldn't. I left and sat by a desk near the steps to the kids church guarding it and texting my husband who encouraged me to just leave early. I did. I was so proud of myself for confiding in my husband about how I was thinking and feeling because I am always so isolated and tell him nothing. He was very nice to me when I got home. He said is your medicine making you tired. You should lay down and take a nap for an hour. When I had trouble waking up in an hour, he turned into a MONSTER. He started yelling at me, screaming in my face about how I don't even try...about how I do nothing at all around the house. My mom says he doesn't try to be mean to me but that he is just as scared and confused about my illness as I am and I understand that. But, it doesn't make his behavior any easier. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I am now taking 7.5MG of Haldol, 20 MG of Abilify, 2.5 MG of Klonapin, and 600 MG of Lamictal, almost back to what I was. Despite this, I still have psychotic symptoms, racing thoughts, and total isolation from my family.

I went to church to distract from my suicide ideation And manGed to stay but really I just wanna hide out in my room alone!

I have a service I have to go to tonight. I really wish I didn't have to go.

I hope you get to feeling better really soon. Maybe we just need to go to ip together.

Maybe so, lady. I'm glad you managed to stay and I hope tonight goes better than you are imagining!

Hope you get feeling better

((((HUGS))))

Thank you!

I'm having major issues this evening as well. I shared my testimony (from my teenage years) on a popular video Bible study and I can't find it anywhere. I believe sharing my testimony in such a way was the start of all my problems but my mother believes that I shared my testimony while already unwell. I'm not exactly sure which is true. Anyway, I searched the entire house for it and cannot find it and wanted to share it with my therapist. To buy it again, I would have to buy the entire Bible series which would cost $56. I have no idea why I want it so much. I always said, after watching it a few times and sharing it with a few who wanted to see it, that I would never watch it again because every time I watched it it made me sick to my stomach. It discussed my struggles with cutting, severe depression (bipolar disorder that I didn't believe existed), and spiritual warfare, among other things. Amazingly enough, I believed that the Lord had healed me from all of these struggles and changed my life, but now, I struggle with all of these things once again. I wanted to share this testimony with my therapist. She is a christian, in my church, and knows of the Bible study but has never seen my testimony. I'm not even sure I know why I want her to see it. I can read her my testimony out of the book as it is there too but it is in much less detail there. I guess the major issue is I was a liar when I was younger and I am always scared to death to admit that to people for obvious reasons. I am no longer such but it worries me that I will be shut out from someone's life or trust because of it.

But, on the plus, these drugs are making me feel tired and perhaps I'll sleep tonight. I just want to cry and cry.

Tonight, here is my obsession:

Pearl Jam - Black

I don't know what to say. I'm worried about you.

All my love to you, my friend. What you said is enough. I just am right now.

Drinking a little alcohol...don't do it often. Washing these sins away.

Please be careful!

I am. Not much...just finished off some sangria that a friend of mine didn't drink and now drinking a few beers. Will be fine.

Just a little scary in combination with some of the things you said earlier. I understand why but just don't want anything bad to happen accidentally/impulsively. The fear I live with for myself 24/7 it seems.

Thank you love. I'm sure the alcohol, haldol, abilify, klonapin, and lamictal combination, while TERRIBLY unhealthy, will make me tired and knock me out long before my husband. Although, while my intention was to be buzzed and relaxed, the combination of alcohol and the same depressing song on repeat is making me feel depressed. It's better than anxious and paranoid, I suppose.

Bipolar sucks

Yes, my dear. Yes, it does! I wish it did not exist! For me or you or any of us!

Love that song btw...

In 2007 I preached at church about how God had healed me from mental illness. I really believed it and was euphoric and extremely grateful for it. In 2009 my mental health deteriorated and despite many prayers and trying to live my life right I did not get better. It totally threw me as I was sure I had been healed. It felt like a betrayal and I felt like an idiot. At the time I was unaware I had Bipolar and I doubt I would have believed it anyway.

All I am really saying is I know how tough it must be for you to give a testimony then fall ill again. Maybe hearing it again will only make you feel worse. I don't know but take care. So sorry that you are suffering so much right now. I really hope things turn around soon.

How are you today? xo

Do you remember the airplane analogy? They always tell parents to give themselves the oxygen first so they'll be ok to take care of the children. Right now you need oxygen. Stop worrying about your sisters kids and what other people can or can't do and take care of you...if that means ip, PHP do it. I know, I sound like a broken record but I'm worried about you too.

Yes, this Wander. Exactly this. Doesn't it feel so hopeless, unrequited, and unfair? Thank you for reaching out!

Thank you for checking on me. I am not so well. I was in the shower today and my 5 year old (who was out of school for the day) yelled out for me. I hollered over the water that I could hear nothing he was saying and he needed to go downstairs and play.

I called my mom after and asked her if other people ever get these thoughts. She said yes, occasionally but, given my mindset, it was definitely paranoia and I needed to discuss it with t and pdoc. She told me next time just to get out of the shower and it would be fixed.

Then tonight at group, I was completely disassociated (I believe that is the correct term). It was like I was there but in a completely different realm of reality. It was scary. I know I am going mad.

Thank you for your caring. I know. My husband did ask if I needed to go to the hospital today because he is worried. I see my new t tomorrow.

Here it is tonight:

Rolling Stones - Paint It Black

I think that I wrote nearly exactly what sidestepper did a few days ago. Funny.

I don't know if this helps or not since I'm not exactly stable here but I did the thing today and honestly I think they were a bunch of college students who were being a little weird b/c they were drinking in a state park. Not that I saw booze but I'm pretty sure that was the weirdness, not murder. I love the park and love that we live very close to it and go nearly every day in the off-seasons but I get paranoid there. Once I was there with just a dog in the spring and there were a lot of buzzards around. I was positive that there was a dead body in the woods by the lake. I'm sure there was; I'm equally sure it was a deer. But for days I checked the news just to be sure that I didn't need to make a witness statement or something.

Scary what our minds can do.