Am I wrong?

LorrieTorrie · Jan 15, 2016, 01:28 PM

My husband is really pissing me off. We've been using my parents' car ever since we moved back to California. It wasn't in the best shape, but it got the job done. We moved 40 minutes away from everything which was a bit rough on it. Then we moved an hour and a half away and it started to show signs of transmission problems. My parents took it in, and it is going to cost $3,700 to rebuild the transmission. My parents asked if we could pay $1,000 ($100 per month) towards the repairs since it's pretty much been our car for the last six months. My husband is, in my opinion, being ridiculous. He thinks he shouldn't have to pay anything, and that we should use my disability back pay towards our own new car. He's upset because he doesn't like my parents. They don't acknowledge that I'm bipolar and that upsets him. I keep telling him that he needs to put his emotions toward them aside, but he loves to say, "You're bipolar your thoughts don't count." I'm so pissed off! I just want to get rid of him, and get a new payee because he doesn't even give me an allowance. I have to tell him everything I want to buy, including tampons. He says he doesn't like my parents and he doesn't want to do business with them. I understand not liking them, because we've had a long hard road trying to get them to accept that I'm bipolar, and they still haven't, but this is kind of a no brainier to me. The only thing wrong with this car is the transmission, so for $100 a month for ten months we get to keep this car as long as it takes us to find a new car of our own. He keeps saying that $1,000 could go to another car. Well what will we do until then!? We live in the dessert and the nearest Walmart is 20 minutes away. We wouldn't be able to take care of our kids without a solid car. Am I wrong?

raspberrytorte · Jan 15, 2016, 01:46 PM

I don't think you're wrong. What are you supposed to drive until you get a new car?

Unrigged64072835 · Jan 15, 2016, 01:51 PM

I don't think you're wrong either. It's maintenance that needs to be done, and since your family used the car it wouldn't hurt to pay for its upkeep. My daughter and her boyfriend use our other car for errands and we ask them the same thing (within their budget, of course).

LorrieTorrie · Jan 15, 2016, 01:54 PM

Exactly! He hasn't thought that far ahead. His mind is just so set on not doing business with them, yet he has no problem driving there car for six months. I feel like he just wants to spend money on what he wants. I fell like I no longer have a voice.

Imah · Jan 15, 2016, 02:49 PM

I don't think you are loved.

I was in a similar situation with my first husband. I didn't see it until a friend told me, "Your abused, like one of those lifetime movies where the husband controls everything".

Abuse isn't just physical. Pretend you need a Dr. Contact your case manager, and seek advice FAST.

Imah · Jan 15, 2016, 02:54 PM

And: a Representative Payee will pay your bills, then send you personal needs money which your husband will control, and your situation won't differ. Unless you get someone like your parents who will be on your side. Also - losing control of your money will seriously upset your husband.

Unfortunately, control freaks don't usually want to grow and change with us. When I began to assert my personal rights to my first husband, we ended up divorced. He didn't want me to think for myself. It took years for me to recover from the deep insecurity I had accepted from his verbal abuse and control. I was angry at myself for years after the divorce- angry at him too, but mostly angry at myself for not loving myself enough to want the best for me.

Be your own best friend.

intergalactictraveler · Jan 15, 2016, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Imah

And: a Representative Payee will pay your bills, then send you personal needs money which your husband will control, and your situation won't differ. Unless you get someone like your parents who will be on your side. Also - losing control of your money will seriously upset your husband.

Unfortunately, control freaks don't usually want to grow and change with us. When I began to assert my personal rights to my first husband, we ended up divorced. He didn't want me to think for myself. It took years for me to recover from the deep insecurity I had accepted from his verbal abuse and control. I was angry at myself for years after the divorce- angry at him too, but mostly angry at myself for not loving myself enough to want the best for me.

Be your own best friend.

My wife has been the one dispensing the emotional and verbal abuse but by time I figured it out, I was too sick to work anymore, quickly was approved for SSDI, but not enough to live independently. My money goes to me but she likes to tweak my nose by reminding me how much money she has in the bank. (She's retired federal.) And she still doesn't understand why our marriage is just a hollow shell nor does she want to learn about bipolar illness. As she told me, last year, "If you want to leave, go ahead. You'll be broke and homeless." That's her way of reminding me that I signed a prenup 20 years ago. She was afraid I was marrying her for her money. I married her because I loved her and I thought she loved me...or so I thought.

Imah · Jan 15, 2016, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by intergalactictraveler

My wife has been the one dispensing the emotional and verbal abuse but by time I figured it out, I was too sick to work anymore, quickly was approved for SSDI, but not enough to live independently. My money goes to me but she likes to tweak my nose by reminding me how much money she has in the bank. (She's retired federal.) And she still doesn't understand why our marriage is just a hollow shell nor does she want to learn about bipolar illness. As she told me, last year, "If you want to leave, go ahead. You'll be broke and homeless." That's her way of reminding me that I signed a prenup 20 years ago. She was afraid I was marrying her for her money. I married her because I loved her and I thought she loved me...or so I thought.

A lot of decent apartments are rented on an income sliding scale. I am sure some crappy places are too - but in the area I live in where the town is small, and crime rate is pretty non-existent - a person can get a nice place for like 10% of their income.

You should independently check with your county to find out if there are such places, and what your options are.

You ARE NOT without choices. Although this life would be harder. I don't have a car for example, and I miss the freedom of driving. Some people weigh their choices and prefer to have more financial comfort then a life riding the poverty line. But our wonderful country helps those less fortunate. I don't get to eat steak, I don't get to eat out for that matter. I couldn't afford to smoke, drink or do drugs if I wanted to. But I am independent, and I can make my own choices within my limited sphere. And after my roller coaster life, I consider these small benefits a blessing.

LorrieTorrie · Jan 15, 2016, 03:57 PM

I feel like I have no one. My parents refuse to accept that I need help. They think I just need to motivate myself to be better. My husband is very controlling, and I see it, but I have no one else. I would have enough to pay for my kids and I to live, but I know he would fight me for my kids, and he would win with my history. I keep blaming myself, because he wasn't like this until I lost our second home, so I feel like maybe he did love me at once, but the bipolar and BPD have made him change. I've been cutting this morning, and I haven't done that in weeks, but until I can start my meds it's the only coping mechanism I have...

Imah · Jan 15, 2016, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LorrieTorrie

I feel like I have no one. My parents refuse to accept that I need help. They think I just need to motivate myself to be better. My husband is very controlling, and I see it, but I have no one else. I would have enough to pay for my kids and I to live, but I know he would fight me for my kids, and he would win with my history. I keep blaming myself, because he wasn't like this until I lost our second home, so I feel like maybe he did love me at once, but the bipolar and BPD have made him change. I've been cutting this morning, and I haven't done that in weeks, but until I can start my meds it's the only coping mechanism I have...

You say YOU lost your house. He is free of responsibility from that? (rhetorical). You say you have no one else. You have You. Also, you should have a professional support group. It sounds like you are not trying to learn all of the options available to you. That could be something you could motivate yourself to do.

Even my insurance company has a person assigned to assist people with mental Illness, plus there would be an Armhs worker I could have if I wanted. (Had one for over 3 years, choosing not to at this time).

I am not asking you to try to face those scary words,"be strong", I am asking you to learn if you have the options to "lean differently".

And as a friend (even though we just met) stop cutting please. Get up, and find something to put in your head other then yourself. Water a plant, shake out a rug...

LorrieTorrie · Jan 15, 2016, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Imah

You say YOU lost your house. He is free of responsibility from that? (rhetorical). You say you have no one else. You have You. Also, you should have a professional support group. It sounds like you are not trying to learn all of the options available to you. That could be something you could motivate yourself to do.

Even my insurance company has a person assigned to assist people with mental Illness, plus there would be an Armhs worker I could have if I wanted. (Had one for over 3 years, choosing not to at this time).

I am not asking you to try to face those scary words,"be strong", I am asking you to learn if you have the options to "lean differently".

And as a friend (even though we just met) stop cutting please. Get up, and find something to put in your head other then yourself. Water a plant, shake out a rug...

Thank you for those words. I am most comfortable playing the victim, and that is something I am trying to stop. I desperately want to learn to be able to save myself.

Jan 15, 2016, 04:53 PM

I'm sorry hon, discounting you because of bipoar means that he doesn't care of what you think anyways...it's just a convenient excuse to be a jerk. He's immature and self-centered...reminds me of an overgrown baby with a wet diaper on.

You are absolutely right in your logic and thinking, and all you have is a ball and chain attached to your leg...not much love there I can see.

Talk to your parents and forget about the bipolar aspect...it's nothing to be grudgy about. I'm sure that they want the best for you and your children, they are their grandchildren. I'm sure they can see what's really going on.

I don't know hon, life's hard enough even without dealing with a ball and chain. Who needs it? He needs to grow up or move on.

LorrieTorrie · Jan 15, 2016, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I'm sorry hon, discounting you because of bipoar means that he doesn't care of what you think anyways...it's just a convenient excuse to be a jerk. He's immature and self-centered...reminds me of an overgrown baby with a wet diaper on.

You are absolutely right in your logic and thinking, and all you have is a ball and chain attached to your leg...not much love there I can see.

Talk to your parents and forget about the bipolar aspect...it's nothing to be grudgy about. I'm sure that they want the best for you and your children, they are their grandchildren. I'm sure they can see what's really going on.

I don't know hon, life's hard enough even without dealing with a ball and chain. Who needs it? He needs to grow up or move on.

I told him that I want to go to couples counseling. He's agreed, so we will see what happens. I just hope that I have the strength to make the right decisions. I'm hoping that the better I get mentally, the better I'll be at dealing with life, because right now I'm extremely overwhelmed and I just don't want to deal. I wish I could just spend the rest of this weekend in my bed under the covers. I want a time out. I need a time out.

Imah · Jan 15, 2016, 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LorrieTorrie

I told him that I want to go to couples counseling. He's agreed, so we will see what happens. I just hope that I have the strength to make the right decisions. I'm hoping that the better I get mentally, the better I'll be at dealing with life, because right now I'm extremely overwhelmed and I just don't want to deal. I wish I could just spend the rest of this weekend in my bed under the covers. I want a time out. I need a time out.

Oh wow, that is great! My ex would never have agreed to that. (Unless your husband just says that because there won't have to be a follow through) But if he meant it, that is awesome.

Reclaiming personal responsibility in the long run eases our partners responsibilities, and can help rebuild damaged trust. This doesn't resolve your personal concern regarding your parents vehicle and the money involved.

Hey, perhaps if your husband understood that your parents will not help you in future if you do not show the ability to pay them back he would comply. Unless he is hoping to end that cycle of you two turning to them in time of need.

Everything is like an onion - full of layers and what ifs.

Ocean Swimmer · Jan 16, 2016, 10:50 AM

Why not ask him to start being grateful that you have someone willing to lend you a car. Can he imagine the price to rent a car for 6 months?
It doesn't matter that the car was given freely. Repairs are the responsibility of the user. The fact that your folks are willing to pay for most of the transmission is thoughtful, loving and very considerate.
Good luck in counseling.

Trippin2.0 · Jan 16, 2016, 11:10 AM

HE wants to spend YOUR disability money on a car?

And yourself and he finds nothing wrong with this sentence?

I don't care if he's your father, payee, or accountant.

Its still your money...

Try to put aside the beef with your parents. Because whether they believe in BP or not is actually quite irrelevant in the greater scheme of things. All that matters is whether they are supportive or not, not which label they support.

I say this firstly from experience, and secondly, well actually also from experience. Because if you want to break free from a controlling abuser or possible abuser, best people to have in your corner is immediate family / parents.... These are people who (usually) naturally want to protect us, and since yours seem helpful in ways that are comfortable to them, stands to reason that they will help you get out from under hubby's thumb.

You don't have to do it alone, and you certainly don't have to stay with someone who thinks nothing of you.

Unless you're into such things and you choose to be treated like shyt.

Then just ignore my post.

LorrieTorrie · Jan 16, 2016, 02:21 PM

Thank you all for your input. You've all definitely given me a lot to think about. I'm going to focus on getting myself stable so that I am better equipped to make the right decisions. Even though my parents are helping in this situation, they have made it very clear that they do not believe in mental illness, and want nothing to do with that part of my life. So I am my own support system at the moment. My husband has agreed to counseling because I just broke down yesterday and told him that he's not who he used to be, and that's who I need. It was, what I hope, a changing moment for both of us. He's even going to come to my appointment with my Monday so that my therapist can kind of help him understand what I'm going through. If this doesn't work out, at lease we will know that we tried, and we will have to move on from there. Again, thank you everyone, I really appreciate you all taking the time to offer advice and words of encouragement.