[Healing the Damage]

Possible trigger:

I hate myself. I want to die. I'm fed up. I'm tired. I'm done. I'm sick of fighting. I don't think I've made any progress. Fighting has gotten me nowhere in the past three years. So why keep fighting? Why fight when you keep failing no matter what you do?

I've talked to some of my friends from here and from the other mental health site I go to. Some of them have said "no don't do it, keep fighting, you've made progress!" but then they don't know how I've made progress. They just say I have. But if I have, then wouldn't they be able to tell me?

And then there's the other half of my friends, who just say "I can't stop you, but I'll miss you." I'm sorry, but I won't miss you. I'll be dead. Can't miss people if you're dead, right?

*sigh*

I just want to be done.

I'm going to have to accept this stupid ****ing job that I don't ****ing want because it's the only ****ing job that I can ****ing get. But in the meantime, I don't want this job, I don't care about this job. It's pretty much the same as the job that I had a couple of years ago, and I hated that job.

I don't know what to do. But I don't want to keep fighting. These thoughts never stop. How am I supposed to think anything else, want anything else, when I can't get these thoughts to STOP? I ****ing hate myself.

[gina_re]

I hate to sound like a broken record, but do you take any medications and/or see a therapist?

Now that I got that out of the way, I empathize with you. I've had similar jobs where I wake up and just don't even want to bother. What's the point, you hate it and most of them hate you too. Yea, I've had that feeling and it lead to my first inpatient stay after downing a bottle of pills. And lately I've been having that what's the point, everyone hates me just as much as I hate myself buzz in the back of my head. Although I do not have the yearning to die anymore, I tend to ruminate over worthlessness and hopelessness these days, I've had a taste of stability and happiness. And so I keep going despite how miserable I feel. I took a shower today after five days, only because I had to go into work today. Trash is piling up, dishes are piling up, but I don't give a ****, I don't want even wanna take care myself because I don't care anymore. But in time this will subside despite the fact that I can't see it. So I just deal. I know this won't cure your feelings of death, but you're not alone. I've been there. In the meantime try and see a therapist and/or a psychiatrist. It does help even though it takes a few weeks. Your life is worth living even though you don't see it. The fact that you are making this post is a sign that you have even an ounce of wanting to live.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Try Religion.

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

Try Religion.

That's what my grandma, aunts, uncles, etc. told me. It's ain't that easy. At least for me and many others I know.

[Healing the Damage]

Originally Posted by gina_re

I hate to sound like a broken record, but do you take any medications and/or see a therapist?

Now that I got that out of the way, I empathize with you. I've had similar jobs where I wake up and just don't even want to bother. What's the point, you hate it and most of them hate you too. Yea, I've had that feeling and it lead to my first inpatient stay after downing a bottle of pills. And lately I've been having that what's the point, everyone hates me just as much as I hate myself buzz in the back of my head. Although I do not have the yearning to die anymore, I tend to ruminate over worthlessness and hopelessness these days, I've had a taste of stability and happiness. And so I keep going despite how miserable I feel. I took a shower today after five days, only because I had to go into work today. Trash is piling up, dishes are piling up, but I don't give a ****, I don't want even wanna take care myself because I don't care anymore. But in time this will subside despite the fact that I can't see it. So I just deal. I know this won't cure your feelings of death, but you're not alone. I've been there. In the meantime try and see a therapist and/or a psychiatrist. It does help even though it takes a few weeks. Your life is worth living even though you don't see it. The fact that you are making this post is a sign that you have even an ounce of wanting to live.

I started taking Topomax about a week ago. I had been seeing a therapist for about two years, and then I switched to a new person, and then I fired the new person for being an unhelpful idiot who made me feel about ten thousand times worse. I have a psychiatrist and she doesn't care about anything other than the bipolar. She told me to try going to bed earlier to get more sleep, and ignored when I said that it doesn't matter, I just lay there staring at the ceiling until I give up on sleeping.

When I was fired on Oct 23 from the job that I really enjoyed and had been at for just under a year, my ex-bf then started harassing and stalking me again, sending me messages and saying **** like "sucks about your job but no one liked you there anyways so everyone is better off now", etc.

I'm not sure that making this post is a sign of wanting to live. I just... I don't know anymore. I'm tired of the constant fight.

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

Try Religion.

Thanks, real helpful (please note the sarcasm implied in that sentence). For your information, new person who has never talked to me before, knows nothing about me, my life, my situation or anything else, I am Jewish. I was raised a Conservative Jew, I excelled in Hebrew and religious school from preschool up through graduation. I had my Bat Mitzvah when I was 12 years old, on July 17, 2004. I was confirmed when I was 15 years old, on June 9, 2008. I read Torah on a regular basis and have a reputation at my synagogue and in my community as one of the best Torah readers. I am a teacher in the religious school at my synagogue.

So again. Thank you for your oh-so-helpful smart *** comment. I appreciate it.

[gina_re]

I've had that psychiatrist too. Eat better, exercise, take your meds earlier, blah blah blah. He also told me I can seek another opinion, so I did. So far so good. Therapists are tricky too. My last one was good, but I don't think we were getting anywhere. So I'm still on the hunt for a new one. Between med adjustments and trying to find a therapist, I just take it one day at a time. It's all I can do for now. I hope you're able to find better doctors.
Your ex sounds like an *** and should go kick rocks. Block him however you can on social media, the phone number...whatever. That negativity does not help (I'm sure you already knew that). I'm exhausted too, pretty much gave up on trying to find a therapist, but we'll see. Good luck and please take care. We can get through this.

[Healing the Damage]

Originally Posted by gina_re

I've had that psychiatrist too. Eat better, exercise, take your meds earlier, blah blah blah. He also told me I can seek another opinion, so I did. So far so good. Therapists are tricky too. My last one was good, but I don't think we were getting anywhere. So I'm still on the hunt for a new one. Between med adjustments and trying to find a therapist, I just take it one day at a time. It's all I can do for now. I hope you're able to find better doctors.
Your ex sounds like an *** and should go kick rocks. Block him however you can on social media, the phone number...whatever. That negativity does not help (I'm sure you already knew that). I'm exhausted too, pretty much gave up on trying to find a therapist, but we'll see. Good luck and please take care. We can get through this.

I'm on my third psychiatrist. First one I fired rather quickly. Started seeing him July 2013, fired him October 2013. Second one was ok at first, then seemed to get stupider the longer I saw him. I attribute that to the fact that we kept running into side effects from meds that caused me to not be able to take them and he was running out of "options" because he wanted to keep me on atypical antipsychotics, and I kept getting bad reactions to them.

My ex and I dated for like six months, broke up last year in like April, and yet, he didn't stop stalking and harassing me until November. Ironically enough, I found out that he started dating some new girl and that's why he's finally leaving me alone. Good riddance in my opinion. But yeah.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

I think it's time to cleanthe slate and start over with a new pdoc and have them recommend a therapist that they think will be a good fit for you. I've been where you are at and its pure hell. I hope you don't give up. Hugs

[Healing the Damage]

Originally Posted by Hashi/bipolar mom

I think it's time to cleanthe slate and start over with a new pdoc and have them recommend a therapist that they think will be a good fit for you. I've been where you are at and its pure hell. I hope you don't give up. Hugs

I already did that. That's why I'm on psychiatrist number three. I asked her for a recommendation and she gave me the name and number of a huge psychology company that has about thirty psychologists, and she said "any of them would work". So yeah. Not the most helpful recommendation.

[alincdytyourmeds]

First most of us here know the struggle of constantly fighting only not to get anywhere is real and makes us all want to give up. I am currently fighting the is it worth it idea right now. That being said, I give you two things to think about. 1. This sucky job, could you maybe give yourself a time limit and try to find a better one during that time frame. I did this after my son was born and had to take a job working nights at a nursing home. I told my husband it was only for 3yrs and when my son turned 3 I quit.
2. I don't know a whole lot about the Jewish religion, but doesn't God want you to trust him in matters of life and death? This is my reason for not giving up. believe me I really really want to (give up I mean). But for some indescribable reason I hold out for hope.
I don't think I helped you a whole lot, but it helped me to see this post and remember the fight may suck, but keep fighting.

[wiretwister]

I have no advice ... but I really do care and I hate to see you in so much pain ....

[Nammu]

Have nothing particularly helpful to say just want to say I understand getting tired of the perpetual cycle.

[jacky8807]

Do you think you would be safer inpatient? They also might be able to hit you with something heavy duty to try and knock out the darkness
I have been where you are and you have my sympathy

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Ok, I have typed this twice and not said anything and then again and it deleted itself. So I am not going to actually say anything other than you can get through this. I know it feels like you can't but you can. I know because 4 years ago I did. I actually was in the hospital and they were about to send me home and I finally decided that instead of one last "I knew nobody noticed" I would tell the nurse how I really felt. I was kept in the hospital for a lot longer but left it feeling somewhat better and over the next year made some changes in my life that hurt terribly at the time but in the end made my life livable again. It wasn't easy but I made it through and now, even with months of feeling suicidal a lot I have a different perspective and am able to talk to my therapist about it and even at the worst I've been in this year which is really bad I did not return to that desperate, scary, horrifying place I was in 4 years ago.

I wanted to suggest with the 30 therapist practice that maybe you can make a list of some things that you know work for you and give that to them so that they might narrow things down a bit and give you greater odds of getting a match. I also thought that if they have a webpage with blurbs about the therapists that might help you know who is right for you. I've learned that I've got a very specific description of who works for me: male, somewhat older, faith based, firm and not willing to play games, soft-spoken and kind, very caring and someone I genuinely get along with and would in outside life as well. If you can define something it might make it easier to find a match.

I'm going to try to post this and if it doesn't that's clearly a sign that I need to not do this. Hope that posting here helped a bit.

[Healing the Damage]

Originally Posted by alincdytyourmeds

First most of us here know the struggle of constantly fighting only not to get anywhere is real and makes us all want to give up. I am currently fighting the is it worth it idea right now. That being said, I give you two things to think about. 1. This sucky job, could you maybe give yourself a time limit and try to find a better one during that time frame. I did this after my son was born and had to take a job working nights at a nursing home. I told my husband it was only for 3yrs and when my son turned 3 I quit.
2. I don't know a whole lot about the Jewish religion, but doesn't God want you to trust him in matters of life and death? This is my reason for not giving up. believe me I really really want to (give up I mean). But for some indescribable reason I hold out for hope.
I don't think I helped you a whole lot, but it helped me to see this post and remember the fight may suck, but keep fighting.

1. The problem with a time limit is that I tend to get fired before that would work. Soooo...... yeah...
2. I don't necessarily believe in G-d, even though I'm a practicing Conservative Jew. According to Judaism, if you commit suicide, then you were "unclean" because you were "sick" and therefore you are "unholy" and can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery. So yeah. *shrugs*

Originally Posted by wiretwister

I have no advice ... but I really do care and I hate to see you in so much pain ....

Thanks

Originally Posted by Nammu

Have nothing particularly helpful to say just want to say I understand getting tired of the perpetual cycle.

Thanks

Originally Posted by jacky8807

Do you think you would be safer inpatient? They also might be able to hit you with something heavy duty to try and knock out the darkness
I have been where you are and you have my sympathy

No, I would rather die than go inpatient again. I'm on meds, but they have to titrate up to a normal dose really slowly to prevent side effects. I'm currently taking 25mg a day of topomax, for another week. Then, I start taking 50mg a day of topomax for two weeks, then I have a follow up with my psychiatrist and if all if well, I start taking 50mg twice a day for two weeks, etc.

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Ok, I have typed this twice and not said anything and then again and it deleted itself. So I am not going to actually say anything other than you can get through this. I know it feels like you can't but you can. I know because 4 years ago I did. I actually was in the hospital and they were about to send me home and I finally decided that instead of one last "I knew nobody noticed" I would tell the nurse how I really felt. I was kept in the hospital for a lot longer but left it feeling somewhat better and over the next year made some changes in my life that hurt terribly at the time but in the end made my life livable again. It wasn't easy but I made it through and now, even with months of feeling suicidal a lot I have a different perspective and am able to talk to my therapist about it and even at the worst I've been in this year which is really bad I did not return to that desperate, scary, horrifying place I was in 4 years ago.

I wanted to suggest with the 30 therapist practice that maybe you can make a list of some things that you know work for you and give that to them so that they might narrow things down a bit and give you greater odds of getting a match. I also thought that if they have a webpage with blurbs about the therapists that might help you know who is right for you. I've learned that I've got a very specific description of who works for me: male, somewhat older, faith based, firm and not willing to play games, soft-spoken and kind, very caring and someone I genuinely get along with and would in outside life as well. If you can define something it might make it easier to find a match.

I'm going to try to post this and if it doesn't that's clearly a sign that I need to not do this. Hope that posting here helped a bit.

I don't know what kind of therapist would help me. My first therapist was assigned to me when I was released from inpatient after my attempt three years ago. My second therapist is someone that I found who was an absolute moron who spent five months telling me that I don't need meds because they're too dangerous and too strong and she doesn't think I'm actually bipolar and she doesn't think there's anything really wrong with me, etc. So yeah. I was relatively stable when I was on lithium, and I stopped taking it for a number of reasons, one of which was because I was spending an hour every week being told by my therapist about how I didn't need meds. And at first, I was fine after stopping it. But by the time I noticed that I wasn't fine without the meds, it was kinda too late for me to just start taking it again, and my new psychiatrist doesn't want to put me back on it because of some other health issues that have cropped up recently. Which is why we're trying topomax.