It's only 9:30

And I can't imagine making it through the day. I'm agitated and just want to cry. Self harm thoughts are high. I thought I was getting a little better but no such luck.

I miss my husband terribly. I had a dream about him. We were at his funeral and he miraculously woke up and started breathing again. But even in my dream I knew it wasn't real. But I think that's what has triggered this awful emptiness inside me today.

I was supposed to take my son to a birthday party but he has forgotten about it and I just can't fathom driving that far (it's 45 mins away) and especially not in this condition. The urge to crash is too high and I don't want to risk hurting my son. He deserves to live. I don't.

I'm hanging out with my sisters in law, my brother, and brother in law later. I've decided I will most likely not drink. If I do I may hurt myself impulsively. I have a mostly full bottle of Benadryl that I could see myself taking if I am impaired. So I decided to meet them at their house instead of having them come here so that way I have to drive and I won't drink and drive.

I'm just so upset. I wish my husband could come back to life and be here with me. I can't imagine doing ECT again without him there to take care of me. No, I'll have to do the treatment then come home to sleep it off for a couple of hours then pick up my son and pretend everything is ok. It's so hard to pretend. I don't want to push him away so I try to hug him and kiss him even though the physical contact is so draining for me. I don't want him to think I don't love him.

I wish I could believe in long term stability but it doesn't seem possible anymore.

Oh I wish I knew a way to help you feel happy. Content. Loved.
We on this bipolar group all feel love for one another.
If the complete unconditional love you feel for your son could be mirrored back to you?

I used to have dreams like that all the time shortly after my grandmother passed. It was so difficult because we were so close and I just desperately wanted her back with me. So I guess that's natural.
I woke up late this morning and still have yet to eat breakfast because I'm just too tired to make and I don't even care to give myself food. As long is my cat is fed in the morning I'm ok. Otherwise she will tear apart my house until she gets fed.

Thinking of you today.

wildflowerchild
Will be keeping you in my thoughts today. I'm glad you will be spending some time with your relatives. Are they cognizant enough of how you've been feeling to be supportive in keeping you safe?

They know I'm struggling. I haven't told any of my family of the harmful thoughts. I never do. I've never been able to express those feelings to family because I know they'll be too worried. It's taken me a long time to be able to express them to mental health professionals but I can now.

Sigh...I've been laying on the couch since 10:40. I just got up at 1:40 to get my son some lunch and play with him a little bit. It's so hard to play with him but he doesn't have anyone else to play with so I try to do it even in small spurts so he doesn't think I don't like him or something. My mom never played with me and it bothered me for a long time. I don't want to be like this.

How did the ECT appt go? Did I miss that? I'm trying to read but it can be sporadic depending on who is waiting for the computer or appears to be staring at me.

I'm all set up to start treatment, it's up to me to make an appointment. The ECT dr said I could take as much time as I need to make the decision. So I guess I just have to decide. I'm waiting to see what my pnurse says about emsam. She said she had to find out more about it from one of the psychiatrists in the building. She mentioned ketamine infusions but I don't feel like there's been enough research on that off label use of ketamine yet. That scares me. So it's either I go with ECT which I know will work or I wait to see if maybe emsam will work. We would be starting with bilateral treatments so it shouldn't take as many treatments to get me out of this because I'm not wasting time with unilateral which I know doesn't work for me. But the bilateral is what really messes up your memory. I also didn't want to miss that much work. I was hoping to be back by March but with ECT I could be out for three months again.

But I know it will work. So...yeah.

I did make it through the day. Even played with my son for a whole hour - because we were playing fire trucks and I could lay on the floor, but still. He didn't know that I had to be horizontal. I even went grocery shopping the day before Super Bowl Sunday. Bought a **** ton of unhealthy food but I'm just not able to focus on eating well at the moment, even though it might make me feel better. Just not something I can handle right now. Maybe soon.

Thanks for checking in.

Have you told your family about doing ECT and see if they can help with your child while you take care of yourself? How old is your son? Hang in there!

[quote=wildflowerchild25;4906787]I'm all set up to start treatment, it's up to me to m. She mentioned ketamine infusions but I don't feel like there's been enough research on that off label use of ketamine yet. That scares me.

Ha! My dr. right now is one of the ketamine pioneers. They are currently doing research here on doing ketamine on alternating days with ECT. When ECT was on the table for me my pdoc said she was not yet recommending that trial because she thinks it is too much to go through.

I have been in here twice with someone who has done ketamine. Not sure how much it has done for her and she's been doing it for years.

Yeah I know ketamine can be used recreationally and can be addictive so it's not something I'm down with trying, even if the addiction risk supposedly isn't there with controlled use. I wouldn't trust it.

My son is five, hashi. I live with my mom and she will help but treatments are done mon wed and fri and she works till seven two of those nights. So it will be hard. I remember being pretty recovered just a few hours later so it shouldn't be that bad but still.

My mom came downstairs to see me flopped on the couch wrapped in a blanket and she said she thinks I should do the ECT. She said I shouldn't let myself hit rock bottom if I can a avoid it - I guess I haven't been totally forthcoming with her because there are a lot of rocks down here on the bottom I'm at right now.

Though I did have a good time playing games with my family tonight. I was able to forget about my dumb **** for a few hours. It was nice.

Yea on the games! Those moments can be such a relief, especially when it feels so unrelenting. I'm so glad you were able to get a little break from it.

I too wish I knew what to say. I'm so sorry for your loss and your struggles. Glad you got some relief with your family. Big hugs

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I'm so glad you have your mom. There are a lot of people that don't have any family around. I don't really know you, but if your mom thinks you should do the ECT and she doesn't know everything, then I think that says something. I know it must be hard without your husband. I'm so sorry.

I know I'm very lucky to have the support I have. My mom and I didn't get along for awhile there but I got over it and now she's my number one ally.

Today was more of the same, abject depression and misery, zero motivation, self harm thoughts, suicide thoughts. I've been trying to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones - statements like depression can't hurt me, I'm worthy of staying safe, life is worth living, etc. I feel like I'm at war with my own brain. It's exhausting.

I think I'm going to do the ECT, at least the acute series. I really can't go on like this. I'm afraid I may do something. And I'm not being the mother I want to be. I'm going to push for the emsam also, if I can do both at the same time. Maybe they can work together to free me from this hell.

How you & others who have lost spouses manage to muddle through, I have no idea. The concealing you describe hits home very hard. In three years I can count on two hands the number of times I've fessed up 100% to my therapist and pdoc. Fewer to my wife.

I had five months of ECT and learned that for the patients who responded to it the results were often dramatic. I wouldn't have believed the response could be so rapid until I talked with them and started looking into it. The percentge of people who got at least some relief was much higher than I'd expected. I don't know if it's typically so high, but I hope it works out for you.

The ketamine that they give you is in a smaller controlled dose. I know of someone who felt immediately better after one dose. Ask the doctor.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are very brave and strong. You are doing a great job with your son.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Everytime I read your posts, I want nothing more than to hug you and reassure you with something more than just saying "I'm sorry." You're very strong for going through this; don't ever forget that. Your son is very lucky to have such a strong willed mother.

I start ECT tomorrow. Not a moment too soon. My therapist recommended inpatient today but I said no. I don't want to leave my son.

Still suffering from high judges to harm and kill myself. Just went through a little mini crisis but my mom was here so I didn't hurt myself. I make no guarantees for tonight but I think I can make it.

I'm so depressed I can barely type this. I hope ECT works faster than it did before.