[Warning: not for sensitive minds] I think I am losing my mind...

I have my daughter living with me right now. I've been having the usual teenage issues with her. She is doing poorly in school. She can do much better if she wanted to. But she has been failing out of school. The scares me about her future. She has also been helping me with my mother. My mother is in the advanced stages of dementia right now. It is been really grating on me lately. I went a little crazy with her when she began swinging. Just last week, she fell on the ground swinging and threatening me in one of her tantrums. The caregiver that was with me did not know what to do. We both just stood there looking down at her trying to talk sense to her. She even threatened to kill me. I know she is crazy. I needed a break badly. I try to go on a vacation that went terribly wrong. I ended up in a local hotel room on the last days of my vacation. I felt I needed to make the best of it. I thought I would be OK but I guess not. My poor daughter seeing me this way, seeing me angry and physically gettting in the face of my mother trying to control her. I have never ever been this way before in my life.

Everything is going too far for me. I have gone too far trying to control it. For the sake of my mother and my daughter, I need to remove myself from the situation. Instead of a positive influence in my mothers and in my daughters life, I have become something not nice, even terrible. I just don't know what I'm going to do but it now. I do not want to do anything that will harm my mother. It came too close to that today.

My mother begin yelling for the police like she can whenever she does not get her way. My daughter came out to see me with my face next to my mothers telling her to start behaving herself. That she shouldn't treat me and my daughter in this way. She needs to treat us better because we do everything for her so she can livein her own home. I have been out of work for years ago trying to help my mother while trying to take care of my daughter while trying to take care of myself. I thought my mother was the crazy one. Maybe I am the one that is really crazy now. My daughter is the only sane one left in this house. And she is just a child, or is she?

I am right now outback sitting down in the patio. I could hear the cars well into the background go by on the street nearby where I live. It is cool outside, turning out to be a warm nights. I do not want to go inside now. I have done something terrible. My daughter was there to see this monster in me come out. What have I done? Oh what have I done!

I think I need to get help. Tomorrow I need to go and find some help. Maybe a medicine change. There are group therapy sessions that are for a small cost to me. I will try to go to one tomorrow. Anything to connect with someone else, someone that will listen to me, someone to let me know that I will be OK. That everything will be OK for everybody. Including my mother. Including my daughter. Including me. Maybe just seeing others there in the group would help calm my mind. I do not want this to turn into a train wreck which is where I think it is a heading...or already there.

My heart goes out to you. The situation you are in would be tough on anyone and could make even the strongest and kindest person crack. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You need help right now and you recognize this. That is a good place to start. I think you are on to something with the group therapy idea. Reaching out is a good idea. You definitely need some help and professional advise on this situation, but please remember to be kind to yourself. I hope you get the support you need quickly.

Thank you! Thank you so much for your reply.

I just realized something. I have been off my Lamotragine for several days now. I also have been taken off Quetiapine and have been titrating up on Risperidone. This could not of helped. Maybe these meds were actually helping me?

A med change can cause all kinds of crazy things to happen. It definitely cannot be ruled out as a contributor. Try to stay focused on finding a solution and do your best not to judge yourself to harshly. Keep us posted. (((Hugs)))

I think you're over worked and need to talk to someone. Are you in therapy? If not then group sounds like a good idea. I've actually been thinking of getting back into a group myself. Stresses like these and maybe the med change, can reek havoc for BP. Hell, I can't even take care of myself let alone another adult. I feel for you. I would call pdoc too and discuss the meds.

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Now the car broke down. I had no opportunity to go to group or get meds adjusted. I just skated by financially on this one. My mother has been a holy terror to the care giver during my absence trying to get at a knife in order to chase the caregiver out of the house. Now my mother is in her own room with a pot from the kitchen as her weapon. The care giver has left. I am watching Wheel of Fortune on TV in the living room while waiting for an install of a new OS on my Mac.

Things are getting back to normal now. LOL

I have just realized that her sister, my aunt, has stopped calling. Last time when I told her that my mother threatened her caregiver at knife point, she just laughed. No great loss here. This is no kind of support for me. No one else from my family has ever called about her or I. My daughter's mother is the only one who has shown interest in helping.

This all sounds so horrible and difficult for you. You definitely need/deserve some outside support. (((Hugs)))

That kind of stress would pummel the strongest person. Can do you have a therapist you can confide in? Keep trying to get help, even though things have calmed somewhat your mother's illness puts stress on everyone and usually rises and ebbs like the tides. To take care of your mother and your daughter you need to get help for you. Reach out and keep reaching out until you get more support. Can you tell the doctor who is adjusting your meds how stressful this all is?

I agree with Nammu completely. You need help and support. You need it NOW. Asking your PDOC is a good idea.

Being a caregiver is really difficult. My mom and aunt tried to share responsibilities with my grandmother. My grandmother lived with my aunt and my mom was around the corner....at any rate, I understand the difficulties you wouldo have to go through. And on top of that, a daughter to raise! This of course is a very stressful situation, as I'm sure you know and working with your pdoc and/or T will be key. I don't have any great advice, but I feel your pain and wish you are able to find relief sooner rather than later. Please take care

I think you need dramatic help, and now. I know this is coming from a stranger but I think it might be time to consider getting your mum into a permanent care facility. That could mean she gets the comprehensive care that her demanding condition requires. Dealing with Bipolar as well as the needs of a teenage daughter is a huge deal. Your mum may be happier in a care facility were people are trained to handle people with dementia. You and your daughter deserve to both feel safe and be safe and of course, sadly, your mum's condition can only deteriorate further.

Your mental health will be compromised all the time - not being able to get appointments with a psychiatrist to manage meds for your serious mental illness, as well as not getting therapy, will only get worse as you are slave to the demands of your mum's condition.

Making such huge changes requires help from a psych doc and T. You deserve help.

But before everything else, you need to risk manage your mum. You need immediate help to make sure she doesn't hurt you, your daughter or herself. I'm in Australia, so I don't know about what government systems you have, that you can call on. First-up though, is the police. They will be able to direct you to family services and they may be able to get your mum into a care facility ASAP. Open up that dialogue, and soon. You deserve help and you deserve not to have to handle all this by yourself, especially with your MI. Love to you.

I agree with discover. This is definitely an emergency situation. You need help right away. Like someone said before, reach out now and if the first person doesn't help, go to the next until you find someone who can help. If you tell us what country (and if in the US, a state) someone here might have suggestions on where you might receive it.

As discover mentioned, this might be time for you mom to be cared for by professionals. I know this can be difficult and cause guilt and terrible grief. so my heart goes out to you. Please take care and keep us posted.

The clinic I go to is open on Monday. I will request a med review due to the stress I am dealing with. This will go on my record and will be seen by my doctor. I have an appointment with him sometime next week. I missed my doctors appointment. I just have been letting things get out of hand. I am not organized and with no goal in mind. Aimless. I think this is when I am more susceptible to upsets. No anchor. No routine. Nothing specific to look forward to.

For some time now my daughter and I lock our doors at night. I have taken all the pointed kitchen tools and knives, and have locked them in a safe in my bedroom. This is my life. I will request counseling at the clinic. Right now I get my meds reviewed by a pdoc. I do not receive any counseling services.

I have to agree it may be time to seek a permanent care provider, I can't imagine being in your shoes, but it sounds like you gave done all that you can at home. Big hugs your way

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I live in the U.S. Please PM me for more specifics. I will appreciate any help understanding my options, and where I can go for more help. Maybe some sort of crisis counselor can help, one who understands the system.

Update: I will need to focus on what is available for no cost. I am afraid to look at my bank account. I have been on a spending spree for a couple years now. No more. There is no more money to be spent anymore. I have spent it all except for a couple thousand. Most of that is going to my recent repair of the car. I also will need to see to a med adjustment for my mother. That can help.

I took care of my grandma for two years until I knew I had step away. I was much afraid I would hurt her. In the end of her time with us(my mom, dad, and I) my mom took time off work cuz I knew I couldnt handle it. She is in a facility now and I get to go back to being the doating granddaughter. She is my heart and soul. Im so glad we put her in a facility where she is cared for and we(the rest of the family) get to love on her and enjoy the time we have left with her. Obviously still stressful but in a very different way for POA's but I think we made the right choice.