[Prism Bunny]

I am devastated. Someone within my inner circle said I should never raise any children (biological or adopted) because of my mental illness. He added afterwards that will never find love or happiness if I were to marry. Over the years, I have been so close to him. He never once said anything so cruel before. Though he said similar things about himself a few times. Now his attitude has changed for the worst, and it is hard to let go of an assessment like that.

I cannot stop crying. Why is there such a strong stigma against those with mental illness? I have always worked with children, and everyone said I would be a great mother. Being a parent is one of the few major goals in my life, and that has motivated me to care for any child that needs love. This past year has been painful and rough for me, and this does not help. Why would he say this to me?

Edit: I forgot to add that he said, "this is just my opinion." and ended the conversation altogether.

[Miss Laura]

I was told the same from a "so called friend". She said cause we are all dangerous and we just couldn't look after a child. I was so hurt I stopped talking to her. You don't need people like that in your life. I have chosen not to have kids it's got nothing to do with my ability or inability to look after a child

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[TishaBuv]

Tell him that was an ignorant, hurtful thing to say and you don't appreciate it.

I love my three kids more than anything and we have great relationships. I think I've been a great mother, and so do they.

I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder by one doctor and PTSD by another. This last doctor said I have traits of BPD. I am now seeking the best doctor possible to really get to the bottom if I have a MI and what it is. My problem that has me debilitated is my relationship with my husband concerning intimacy. Same problem, never fixed over 20 years. Otherwise, I am pretty great.

[Icare dixit]

Has he a personality disorder? Not that would excuse him, but he may just 180 degree on you later. People can do that anyway if they have such personality without it being considered a disorder.

At any rate, I think we can be great parents. And as far as I can tell from what you've written you'd be great at it. It can help you, focus/stabilise your devotion more (just don't focus too much and not manically) and gives you a strong reason to live, endure and self-improve, it's stimulating and may help to distract you.

Just ignore such nonsense. If anything, we thrive as a "subspecies" and I think that's a good thing. There are too many of them anyway.

No offense... It sounds like he was being an ignorant a**hole.

There are plenty of BP parents here who've successfully raised children of their own.

Even though I'm BP, I've definitely found love and happiness, although I'm not in a relationship right now (by choice) because my mood has been all over the place recently.

But anyway... If he can't respect you for who you are and doesn't want to understand BP, then your friendship with him isn't worth it (in my opinion).

As far as "why" he would say such a thing... He can't be bothered to educate himself on mental illness. He, like most people, believes stereotypes.

If you still want to be friends with him, tell him how hurtful that was. While you're at it, take the opportunity to educate him on BP. He obviously doesn't understand it

[Prism Bunny]

I have always been open-minded and aware of the fact that I am mentally ill, and my flaws are non-avoidable in certain conversations. Both my T and Pdoc have discussed the pros and cons of biological and adoption as options, and they never say I would be a complete failure as a mother.

I do not know why he would ever break me down like that.

[Anxiousvalkyrie]

I agree...he's being an ********* .

I avoided psychiatrists like the plague for 15 years because I was afraid of getting diagnosed and of the stigma attached to mental illness. I do have my share of failed relationships, which now looking back I have to take ownership for my part in...but I also have an amazing 16 year old son. He's well adjusted, well mannered, does great in school, has a great social life. I couldn't be more proud of him and people often tell me what an amazing kid he is and that I did a good job raising him. So we can absolutely be great parents. Try not to let him get to you. Hopefully he will realize he's been an ***** and apologize for his ignorance.

[Prism Bunny]

Originally Posted by Icare dixit

Has he a personality disorder? Not that would excuse him, but he may just 180 degree on you later. People can do that anyway if they have such personality without it being considered a disorder.

He has Borderline Personality Disorder. But again he has never been so cold with me before.

[Prism Bunny]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

No offense... It sounds like he was being an ignorant a**hole.

There are plenty of BP parents here who've successfully raised children of their own.

Even though I'm BP, I've definitely found love and happiness, although I'm not in a relationship right now (by choice) because my mood has been all over the place recently.

But anyway... If he can't respect you for who you are and doesn't want to understand BP, then your friendship with him isn't worth it (in my opinion).

As far as "why" he would say such a thing... He can't be bothered to educate himself on mental illness. He, like most people, believes stereotypes.

If you still want to be friends with him, tell him how hurtful that was. While you're at it, take the opportunity to educate him on BP. He obviously doesn't understand it

I just texted him that he hurt me deeply and asked him why would he think such a thing, and he wrote, "Don't ask me for the answers I only know the problems."

And he wrote again, "And I have enough trouble with the idea of a mentally ill person raising a child nevermind a traumatized and emotionally unstable foster/adopted child."

I do not how to respond at all. I am lost here.

But thank you guys for the responses... I am glad you guys managed to find love and have wonderful children despite mental illness.

Originally Posted by Prism Bunny

I just texted him that he hurt me deeply and asked him why would he think such a thing, and he wrote, "Don't ask me for the answers I only know the problems."

And he wrote again, "And I have enough trouble with the idea of a mentally ill person raising a child nevermind a traumatized and emotionally unstable foster/adopted child."

I do not how to respond at all. I am lost here.

It sounds like he doesn't want to listen. He just wants to believe his own assumptions, but he can't even back them up with facts. That's the epitome of ignorance.

If you really want, you could continue to ask him why he believes those things, but you'll probably be wasting your breath. He'll probably give you similar answers, and I don't think you'll ever be satisfied.

I'm sorry he's been acting this way, though. I'm not sure if there's any way to make him change his mind overnight. He doesn't have a mental illness like BP which is uncontrollable, so he doesn't know what it's like. He also doesn't know how well mental illnesses like BP can be controlled with medication and therapy.

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by Prism Bunny

He has Borderline Personality Disorder. But again he has never been so cold with me before.

Just ignore it then. Warm, cold. It happens. Maybe you weren't as close friends before. It's caring, in a "twisted" way. It's ridiculous, but he knows it, feels bad because of it. All that. No substance, just form. If it's about anything, it's about him. Classic.

I know. (Horrible.)

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by Prism Bunny

I just texted him that he hurt me deeply and asked him why would he think such a thing, and he wrote, "Don't ask me for the answers I only know the problems."

And he wrote again, "And I have enough trouble with the idea of a mentally ill person raising a child nevermind a traumatized and emotionally unstable foster/adopted child."

I do not how to respond at all. I am lost here.

But thank you guys for the responses... I am glad you guys managed to find love and have wonderful children despite mental illness.

Really, just ignore him. Any more humiliating things he says will (probably) cost him dearly, emotionally. It's complicated (as he also says: he has no answers).

It's just... I don't know. But BPD, most, most probably.

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

It sounds like he doesn't want to listen. He just wants to believe his own assumptions, but he can't even back them up with facts. That's the epitome of ignorance.

If you really want, you could continue to ask him why he believes those things, but you'll probably be wasting your breath. He'll probably give you similar answers, and I don't think you'll ever be satisfied.

I'm sorry he's been acting this way, though. I'm not sure if there's any way to make him change his mind overnight. He doesn't have a mental illness like BP which is uncontrollable, so he doesn't know what it's like. He also doesn't know how well mental illnesses like BP can be controlled with medication and therapy.

Chances are he will change his mind completely a few times overnight. Admitting it might be harder. But eventually, sure, most probably.

Edit:
Sadly, random generators are sometimes more reliable than we (borderline).

But underneath that there is (most likely) something very reliable.

It makes me wonder at the beauty of borderline personalities, but it also makes me sad and confused. It can't really be explained. Or rather, I can't explain. He's being an idiot and knows it. Ignore him.

[Prism Bunny]

I did not write him back after what he wrote. I just do not see the point in trying to convince him on the subject. I never thought I would feel so low, though. I feel less than human when by him automatically forfeiting everything because of my MIs.

I am going to try to heal from this experience, but people should stop seeing us as something negative. I would never harm a child or cause them further damage mentally. I think life is precious. And marriage falls into all of that as well. I know I can receive and give real love.

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by Prism Bunny

I did not write him back after what he wrote. I just do not see the point in trying to convince him on the subject. I never thought I would feel so low, though. I feel less than human when by him automatically forfeiting everything because of my MIs.

I am going to try to heal from this experience, but people should stop seeing us as something negative. I would never harm a child or cause them further damage mentally. I think life is precious. And marriage falls into all of that as well. I know I can receive and give real love.

Really don't let it get to you. It's not about you. Not like that. Probably about him. It causes internal turmoil, anxiety and coldness and rubbish.

You're gonna be a wonderful, caring mother, I'm sure.

Edit:
And he's a he, so he doesn't realise how much it matters to you, probably. I mean he has two MIs, basically.

[Roaming_bird]

My younger sister said something similar years ago before I was married. Still hurts, but we've mostly patched up our relationship. She lives across the country and so I see her every 4 years or so.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

People have said similar things to me too and it does hurt. It gets to where I start believing them too. I wouldn't call this guy a friend. No one needs this kind of negativity around.

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[Victoria'smom]

You can have a great family and MI too.

That guy is not a friend at all, I would not want any thing to do with him, People can be so cruel and not care how there words effect us and some people do know they are hurting us and just dont care, He sounds like that type, As the saying goes with friends like those who needs enemies, Find some new friends that are positive and actualy are going to build you up instead of pulling you down, I am sorry I know it hurts, I have had alot of people put me down and hurt me also, I just dont have any thing to do with them any more, I have let alot of people go in my life, If they are toxic and negative they are eliminated just like that

[Prism Bunny]

Sorry for the late response, everyone. I decided to take a break from others and rest for a while. Then I went out to grab myself something decent to eat and spoke with a couple of relatives. I know I should not let people's words get to me, but it is difficult. He made no effort to apologize, and I left the conversation with what I texted him earlier.

For now, all I can do is try to move on from this experience. Thank you, guys.

[Fuzzybear]

He was being an asshole. I'm sorry for this late response, I just dislike it so much when people behave like this. He has MAJOR issues and is sadly best avoided.
"He made no effort to apologise" - this speaks volumes.
You're doing the right thing (I know you already know this)
Peace,
Fuzzy

Originally Posted by Prism Bunny

I just texted him that he hurt me deeply and asked him why would he think such a thing, and he wrote, "Don't ask me for the answers I only know the problems."

You can stop right there... the guy is a ****.

I chose not to have children and I think that bipolar disorder severely compromises one's ability to effectively parent, but you might very well make a better mother than someone unburdened by mental illness.

I'm sorry you were so disappointed by your friend.

[Prism Bunny]

The risks, the compromises, and struggle one may have while raising a child when the parent suffers from MIs is a gamble. It would be the most debatable and major decision in my life. I know in my heart, based on my past working and caring for children, I can accomplish being a decent mother. Though sometimes I second guess myself, in my heart I know I would love to either birth a child, adopt a child, or both.

And for those that chose not to have children; you are amazing for ignoring a human biological instinct. You guys are all awesome and though I want to ask how you felt about your own decision, I will just say I am so grateful that so many people stepped in to post their opinion about my friend. Thank you so much.

I see this as his problem, not yours. This is classic transference.

I relate to your friends comment because I used to believe NOBODY should have kids. I was pretty hard core about my feelings. They stem from my own inabilities and are not a true reflection of anyone's capabilities but mine. I asked people why they had so many kids if they had more than 2. This is incredibly rude of me but I'm not a rude person.

I've battled so much with this illness. It tries to kill me all the time. I've been an effective parent but my kids have seen so much they shouldn't have. I have issues with just existing and I used to spend a lot of time wondering why I had to be born at all. When I am manic, I often want to have more kids and when depressed I feel like the biggest failure when it comes to parenting. Parenting is hard, but so worth it. I just wish I didn't have this illness and could have been the perfect parent my kids deserve.

I hope you will forgive your friend. I hope you can recognize he is just being truthful about his feelings and he has no idea how much this hurts you. I hope that by sharing your feelings with him, he grows as a person and realizes this is his issue and not yours. ((,hugs)))

[Prism Bunny]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I see this as his problem, not yours. This is classic transference.

I relate to your friends comment because I used to believe NOBODY should have kids. I was pretty hard core about my feelings. They stem from my own inabilities and are not a true reflection of anyone's capabilities but mine. I asked people why they had so many kids if they had more than 2. This is incredibly rude of me but I'm not a rude person.

I've battled so much with this illness. It tries to kill me all the time. I've been an effective parent but my kids have seen so much they shouldn't have. I have issues with just existing and I used to spend a lot of time wondering why I had to be born at all. When I am manic, I often want to have more kids and when depressed I feel like the biggest failure when it comes to parenting. Parenting is hard, but so worth it. I just wish I didn't have this illness and could have been the perfect parent my kids deserve.

I hope you will forgive your friend. I hope you can recognize he is just being truthful about his feelings and he has no idea how much this hurts you. I hope that by sharing your feelings with him, he grows as a person and realizes this is his issue and not yours. ((,hugs)))

Everything you wrote is beautifully put together. Thank you for sharing your maternal experiences as someone with MIs. I bet your children display empathy towards anyone that suffer from any disorder.

For some reason, despite obsessively researching on my own MIs, I felt that I did deserve a chance to be a mother. You know, I witnessed some horrifying cases involving neglected and abused children. Growing up; I never thought one day I would be dialing CPS in order to have my old friends' children taken away. Or those nights I would spend protecting, loving, and soothing each child as they were being sorted out for adoption. Yet, somehow that has pushed me further in wanting children. I cannot think logically on the subject because I have been battling the topic for years now. :/