[cashart10]

This melodramatic song signifies the end of an ugly era for me and the beginning of a self awareness that I wish I never had to realize. I obsessed about this song in both the end of my psychotic beliefs about Jesus, the Word of God, and my significant role in it all and in learning that I had simply been remarkably sick. It turns out my critical spiritual battle was really just rubbish and that I had been incredibly naive to believe such insane ideas. I am finding comfort in this same song tonight; it happens from time to time with no real damage. However, tonight I feel like a battle is in order and it is time to put on God's armor. Too much is happening. I feel like I am in a clear and concrete battle against evil. The enemy has a foothold that I am finding difficult to battle on my own.

[cashart10]

I am bumping this thread for a reason. I didn't ask a question so no response was necessary. However, I am just wondering if I sound like a Christian or someone falling into dangerous territory. All I am at this point is on the defense. I have had just too much fall on me lately.

[Anxiousvalkyrie]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I am bumping this thread for a reason. I didn't ask a question so no response was necessary. However, I am just wondering if I sound like a Christian or someone falling into dangerous territory. All I am at this point is on the defense. I have had just too much fall on me lately.

I'm unsure what you mean when you ask if you 'sound like a Christian'. I am not religious (a hopeful agnostic at best) but I have intensely studied religion of many different cultures and belief systems over the years.

It's my personal opinion that anything one becomes overzealous about believing or being involved in has the potential to be dangerous. I have the utmost respect for people devoted to their faiths but I think if you are questioning whether you are entering dangerous territory then you may have your answer already in posing the question in the first place.

I can't answer the question fully because I'm not a Christian. For me, if religious thoughts take over and if I feel I'm fighting evil and demonic personalities, I'm in super manic mode. Your thread sounds manic to me. But that's just me. Please take care of yourself. With all you are going through, mania could easily be triggered by the stress of it all. (((Big hugs)))

When I am manic, I think evil is everywhere and it's my responsibility to fight it. I feel that it's trying to take over and if I let it, the world is doomed. What you have written could be standard Christian type thinking but I wouldn't know. To me, your thread raises the manic flags, but perhaps I'm wrong. I hope some Christians will come by to clarify.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Anxiousvalkyrie

I'm unsure what you mean when you ask if you 'sound like a Christian'. I am not religious (a hopeful agnostic at best) but I have intensely studied religion of many different cultures and belief systems over the years.

It's my personal opinion that anything one becomes overzealous about believing or being involved in has the potential to be dangerous. I have the utmost respect for people devoted to their faiths but I think if you are questioning whether you are entering dangerous territory then you may have your answer already in posing the question in the first place.

I have had my symptoms of Bipolar reoccur for about 3 1/2 years since I had my psychotic break. During my psychotic break, I became hyper religious--far above any of my previous spiritual beliefs (which is common for psychosis). I was reading the Bible numerous times a day, praying all day, laying hands on people to pray, speaking in tongues (I am not Pentecostal) casting out demons, etc, etc. Looking back, one of my first symptoms was believing that an angel (who I later deemed a demon) had come to visit me and was taking over me. It was at that point that I started to literally believe that I was in a spiritual battle and that I had to fight. So I did. I would pray charismatic prayers over people, cast demons from me and in some cases cast demons from others. I heard the voice of God and sometimes obeyed the things he told me (thankfully his voice never led me to do anything deadly). I thought I was chosen. The prayers I wrote in my prayer journal were manic and insane. I don't want to get back there ever again.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

When I am manic, I think evil is everywhere and it's my responsibility to fight it. I feel that it's trying to take over and if I let it, the world is doomed. What you have written could be standard Christian type thinking but I wouldn't know. To me, your thread raises the manic flags, but perhaps I'm wrong. I hope some Christians will come by to clarify.

Thank you. I'm just unsure if this is a healthy response to stress or if I am losing it. I cannot afford to lose it because I may be in a custody battle with my husband soon. I just feel this impassioned desire to fight all of these evil things in my life, like that Satan has a hold of me and won't let go of me until I do XYZ. I am full of heightened anxiety. I am just afraid.

I felt a demonic presence years ago and spent months in fear it was taking me over. I understand your fear. A family friend at that time told me they saw demons swarming my house. This only solidified my fears. It's best to reject all these thoughts but it's not easy to do. Be careful on acting on them. Can you get in to talk with your doctor? The stress you are under would have me in a huge episode too. I don't believe evil forces are out to get you but I do believe it's a metaphor for what is going on for you right now. You are in a major battle. Be kind to yourself right now. Does anything help calm you when you are feeling like this? Are you scared right now or do you feel invincible and ready to fight? ((Hugs)))

[cashart10]

I just took a long shower. I thought about staying in there until my husband came home and telling him I'm not coming out until he promises not to leave. Talk about a reasonable consideration. My daughter is having friend a friend spend the night and I didn't want to cause a scene. Plus, his grandfather passed yesterday. Who am I to try to selfishly gain control or manipulate him? I need to take a long drive and I want to be alone.

Pay extra attention if driving. im so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I've been through a divorce and custody issues so I know how stressful it all is. I hope the shower felt good. Some nice hot baths can be relaxing too. I bring my Bluetooth speaker and listen to audiobooks if I'm on edge. It helps a little and every little bit counts. (((Hugs)))

[Anxiousvalkyrie]

I can definitely see how he stress you are under would make you scared and wonder if you're going back to a dark place. Extreme stress always pushes me into a manic episodes. So sorry you're going through this.

[Rjaye]

I don't feel I can add anything, except to say you are in my thoughts at this time, Cashart. I've been following your story for a while, and I know you are doing your best.

Take care.

[cashart10]

I am now officially obsessed over whether or not I am losing my mind. I haven't been sleeping well lately but for obvious reasons. I have to go to a service for my husband's grandpa on Wed. What if I cause a scene? It will be so incredibly emotional. As I am listening to Christian music, especially the charismatic kind (I'm in love with God and God's in love with me - Misty Edwards :

) I feel pumped because I know the truth in it's entirety. In the absence of music, I am researching Scriptures that pertain to who I am in Christ. I know that interpreting Scripture literally, especially out of context is problematic to me.

For instance, the reason I prayed for the gift of tongues and started using it in the past is because of this verse: 1 Corinthians 12:8-11 one person is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, and another the message of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, and to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another performance of miracles, to another prophecy, and to another discernment of spirits, to another different kinds of tongues, and to another the interpretation of tongues. It is one and the same Spirit, distributing as he decides to each person, who produces all these things.

[Anrea]

Okay, you asked for an opinion, so I will give you mine.

So many of your posts are wrapped up in spiritual stuff that I think you are very distant from reality. I think wrapping yourself up in Christian music and prayers etc. has sent you to a place where you are not dealing with just every day things, and everything is seeming to become too meaningful. I think your overly obsessed with religion, and rather then helping you, it is causing you to bask in this alternate reality.

I suggest you focus on your hands, and try to stop your mind wandering. Direct your hands to do good works. Wiping off a counter should be just that. Putting on your clothes should be just that. I think you need to grab ahold of yourself and focus hard on only what you can see. Stop spending so much time dreaming of invisible possibilitites and get back to what you CAN be responsible for.

I think your Christian therapist has the first agenda of pushing Christian beliefs, and the second agenda of correctly diagnosing you and helping you to become well. I think they are part of the problem, proof in them believing you should get a job. I think your Pdoc sounds good, and you should follow their advice.

I think Religion doesn't need to be in every single waking hour for a person to be good. I think your obsession with Religion caused you some of the problems with your husband, and will continue too as long as you feel that Religion is smarter then your own inner heart.

Just because a person says they are Religious or Christian doesn't mean they are making the right choices, and just because another person may be athiest, agnostic, muslim, or buddhist doesn't mean they are a worse person. Following only 1 way of believing enters in judgement, and control.

You can get some of your mind back to being balanced if you stop overly focusing on every single moment as having some great meaning and let things just be what they are. Also, you don't have to go to the funeral. Reminder - your husband has said he doesn't want you. He can't be allowed to lean on you only when he wants too. The timing of this death might lead him to think about bigger things then just himself right now. He might even be rethinking his recent decision, but too much crazy wife will solidify it instead of helping him to rethink his desire too leave. You shouldn't hope for that, but as long as you want to rush to take care of his every need, he is going to believe that is what you were always supposed to be doing. He shouldn't expect you to take whatever attitude he wants to give you. You have worth. Listen to your true feelings. They will not deceive you.

Back up off of allowing yourself to think about anything but what you are doing the moment you are doing it. Let each day occur, without living in the past or the future and handle only that one day.

If you simply refuse to let go of your overly zealous thoughts of Religion, then at least remember to "let go and let God". FYI - THAT MEANS - LET GO! Stop thinking of everything you can't handle and just let the minutes be only what they are.

And if you want to go for a drive tonight, make him babysit. Stop taking care of him until he is willing to take care of you right back.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Anrea

Okay, you asked for an opinion, so I will give you mine. ~Thanks!

So many of your posts are wrapped up in spiritual stuff that I think you are very distant from reality. I think wrapping yourself up in Christian music and prayers etc. has sent you to a place where you are not dealing with just every day things, and everything is seeming to become too meaningful. I think your overly obsessed with religion, and rather then helping you, it is causing you to bask in this alternate reality. ~This I fear the most. I don't think I can control it. It has happened before and it lead to a daunting, terrifying psychotic episode.

I suggest you focus on your hands, and try to stop your mind wandering. Direct your hands to do good works. Wiping off a counter should be just that. Putting on your clothes should be just that. I think you need to grab ahold of yourself and focus hard on only what you can see. Stop spending so much time dreaming of invisible possibilitites and get back to what you CAN be responsible for. ~I just have to wrap my mind around it and not go from the belief that I have to fight for my salvation to I'm going to hell. Living in the moment is very difficult when everything is crumbling around me.

I think your Christian therapist has the first agenda of pushing Christian beliefs, and the second agenda of correctly diagnosing you and helping you to become well. I think they are part of the problem, proof in them believing you should get a job. I think your Pdoc sounds good, and you should follow their advice. ~ I realize why you believe this and it is hard to describe my reasoning but my therapist doesn't push her Christian beliefs; she helps solidify my own beliefs and she helps me to discern reality from what's in my head.I haven't spoken most of this to her because it only occurred to me that it is an issue in that I am noticing past habits. Plus, I don't want to stir any pot as I may have to battle for custody.

I think Religion doesn't need to be in every single waking hour for a person to be good. I think your obsession with Religion caused you some of the problems with your husband, and will continue too as long as you feel that Religion is smarter then your own inner heart. ~I agree with you and I am not usually so obsessed. I'm not sure what has sparked this. I fear it is me going insane again. l don't know how to turn it off.

Just because a person says they are Religious or Christian doesn't mean they are making the right choices, and just because another person may be athiest, agnostic, muslim, or buddhist doesn't mean they are a worse person. Following only 1 way of believing enters in judgement, and control. ~I agree with most of what you say but I don't believe following one belief causes judgement and control (unless that person is a radical zealot).

You can get some of your mind back to being balanced if you stop overly focusing on every single moment as having some great meaning and let things just be what they are. Also, you don't have to go to the funeral. Reminder - your husband has said he doesn't want you. He can't be allowed to lean on you only when he wants too. The timing of this death might lead him to think about bigger things then just himself right now. He might even be rethinking his recent decision, but too much crazy wife will solidify it instead of helping him to rethink his desire too leave. You shouldn't hope for that, but as long as you want to rush to take care of his every need, he is going to believe that is what you were always supposed to be doing. He shouldn't expect you to take whatever attitude he wants to give you. You have worth. Listen to your true feelings. They will not deceive you. ~ Thank you. I need to go to the service because he has been like my own grandpa for the last 12 years. Maybe not as strongly, but I certainly feel this loss deeply. As for my husband, he has been kind...not sure what that is about.

Back up off of allowing yourself to think about anything but what you are doing the moment you are doing it. Let each day occur, without living in the past or the future and handle only that one day. ~ I know that mindfulness works. It has helped defuse plenty of panic attacks. However, I cannot wear this philosophy every second. I cannot stay out of my head for long.

If you simply refuse to let go of your overly zealous thoughts of Religion, then at least remember to "let go and let God". FYI - THAT MEANS - LET GO! Stop thinking of everything you can't handle and just let the minutes be only what they are. ~ I feel I am refusing to let go of nothing. I don't think my beliefs are overly zealous...indeed my thoughts may have become/are becoming overly zealous and thus this topic.

And if you want to go for a drive tonight, make him babysit. Stop taking care of him until he is willing to take care of you right back.~ He went downstairs and ate then went to sleep. I couldn't go for a drive if it was the only thing I needed

Thank you for your opinion. I concur mostly. Today, I hardly got off of the couch again...I haven't done that for a while. I remained in my head, filled with grey beliefs and grey fears...but mostly, just heightened anxiety. Then again, grief has that effect sometimes too.

[Anrea]

I totally understand about the not getting off the couch. You know, I have such terrible unreasonable fear that at times I hardly breath because nothing feels safe. I also have panic attacks for no reason. That never happened before my mental break down. Since my mind snapped, it never healed completely. More then anything I needed to be on medication and getting treatment when I was going through my separation and divorce. I sought outside means to feel things like joy. I was loose, I slept around, I didn't focus on my children because my self esteem was so bad I let them spend most of the time with their dad, and I acquiesced to his opinions - if he thought I was worthless, and left me, he must have been right, right? I gave my children memorable gifts, I got a life insurance policy, and figured out which day I could commit suicide and leave my children money. I made money too important, I listened to forceful people who didn't have my best interests at heart. I believed I was capable of making decisions. It is the WORST time of an average life, and the stress factor for someone with mental illness is through the roof. Please keep posting. We really do care.

When I say,"watch your hands" I mean it literally. For me, learning how often my mind was in the clouds was as simple as trying to watch my hands, and when I wasn't paying attention to what they (I) was doing, I was usually thinking something that did me no good.

Get off the couch. Just to prove the jerk wrong.

[Anrea]

Cash, what about just having 2 glasses of wine? Also remember, a week ago when life was falling apart between the two of you - he went to a movie. Tell him, you get tomorrow night off. I would suggest not going to your parents and sitting around talking about him and your brain - instead go alone, or with an old friend out to eat - without talking about your husband or your brain, see a movie - something. And pay attention to life outside of the clothes you are in.

And sweety, I am only saying the types of things that would have been good for me, that I didn't necessarily do when I was falling apart. I KNOW it isn't easy. I also know, you will survive this - what I hope for you is, you will survive it with as few regrets as possible. Maybe that is part of the key, asking yourself if you would be proud of something. Like, will you be proud of yourself for getting up and washing a wall, or more proud if you stay on the couch and think about life. Cause guess what, you can think AND DO, at the same time.

Funerals are things for the living, not for the dead. If he loved you, (the grandpa) he wouldn't care if you went or not. If you are determined to go, choose clothes NOW. Choose how you will answer questions. I would suggest taking a second vehicle if possible so you don't have to ride with your husband. I feel very strongly that you shouldn't ignore your self while taking care of him. That life is over, even if the marriage continues. He didn't respect you, so teach him that if he wants you, you come at the price of respect.

Change your computer password. Do not trust the kindness. I don't mean to be mean to him. I mean to be smart. And will you be proud of yourself if he leaves you and you look back at having given him your body when he has said it is over. I HATE that I tried to get my husband back that way. I hate myself for that. Not him, he was just being the creep he always was. But I lured him, and he said he would have sex with me, as long as I knew it changed nothing. I only did it twice thank goodness. But still, I have to live with it. If I enjoyed it, it might be different, but in 10 years I never had 1 orgasm with the man, and certainly not then.

Hugs!

[cashart10]

Thank you! 2 glasses of wine? I may try that when the kids go to bed. Hopefully I can stop at 2, ha! I have already changed my PC passwords and have put in a request to change my name on here to something he won't recognize but I haven't heard back about it. Last year I unfortunately accidentally (long story) sent my MIL a ton of information about my illness and some of the disturbing and bizarre things it had caused me to do. I don't think she/they have the distaste to use it but it scares me because I can do nothing about it. I have already slept with him twice since he has said he is leaving. I feel badly about it but use the excuse that we are still married. My therapist told me to be careful because if he is cheating he could bring home a disease. I asked him if maybe we can go on a little trip to try to rekindle things and he said he would think about it. That is before Grandpa passed away.

Anyway, thank you for your advice and for sharing part of your life story. All my love!

[Nammu]

Listening to the same music over and over seems to be a trigger for you. Maybe try audiobooks? Or maybe just limit the time you listen to the same song or artist.

I think ultra religiousness is like an old pair of shoes. They are familiar and comfortable but no longer give any support. Faith and ultra religious focus are not the same thing....that's my take on it.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Listening to the same music over and over seems to be a trigger for you. Maybe try audiobooks? Or maybe just limit the time you listen to the same song or artist.

I think ultra religiousness is like an old pair of shoes. They are familiar and comfortable but no longer give any support. Faith and ultra religious focus are not the same thing....that's my take on it.

Yes, it is absolutely a trigger! Audiobooks are a good idea; or I could just pick up a book. I used to read a lot but rarely do now. I'm not even sure what would interest me at this point.

As far as ultra religiousness, I agree and that is a good analogy. I generally have a safe and healthy faith, one that I don't obsess about. In my experience, it's WHEN my faith turns to ultra religiousness that I am in the red zone. That's when my behaviors are most erratic and when in the past I have heard the voice of God. At least at this point I have discernment but I'm afraid it may not last. Am I making sense?

[Nammu]

Yes you're making sense, to me anyway....maybe not to a "normal"