[ComfortablyNumb5]

I haven't really been on here lately but I'm having major anxiety right now and my mind is running mad. I have BP and BPD and between the ups and downs and the substance abuse, I've done some horrible things. These things are running through my head right now and it's torturous. I start back in therapy on Wednesday after being out of it for years so I'm hoping to touch base on these obsessive bad thoughts about myself soon. I feel like this illness has made me into a monster and I just want to forget everything and start fresh. I say this now, but tomorrow or next month I'll get into a "mood" and do something stupid. Why can't I have someone near me at all times to warn me of the stupid things I may do?! Just needed to vent and get that out there. Thanks for reading and the support.

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[Icare dixit]

Are others (still) hurt by your behaviour? Maybe you can talk to them whether they remember and are still hurt by the experience or don't want anything to do with you.

Many things that haunt me, my "victims" have long forgotten.

You probably assume the worst.

You are your own biggest enemy, not the of others (likely).

[violetgreen]

The ups and downs, the hurtful things, obsessive bad thoughts, etc are all parts of your experiences of living with BP and bpd, this does not make you a bad person. I try for balance, but that doesn't mean I hit that mark ever. Just now I pissed off my husband a little because it takes me t i m e to be ready to paint trim in a room (or to do anything) and he was ready an hour ago. So, I had to tell him to just do it without my help, even though I'm better at painting trim than he is, he's in there moaning because it's not working for him. Anyway, that's my version of drama today.

I try to have the conversation with loved ones to tell them how I operate because of my mi, and even though they don't always welcome, or understand the information, "oh, stop focusing on your illness," it helps me to articulate it. So, when you self-medicate, or do "something stupid," that's you doing the best you can at the time. Maybe there's a treatment change that can help you, therapy, meds, lifestyle. But, from your postings, I feel that you are an extremely, likeable, smart, self-aware person, so I bet the people in your life value for that and much more.

[TishaBuv]

When you are about to do something stupid, do you know it? Can you take a moment to just reflect on that before acting?

[jacky8807]

Sorry you are feeling this way. I hope counseling helps! Tell yourself positive things/ affirmations when u feel bad about yourself. Constantly.
Even if it feels like a lie at first it's a good step on the path to feeling good

[Nammu]

I'm sorry it's so hard. therapists can often see the signs when you are going off the rails. I know it was very helpful for me to have a T who could be an objective observer and remind me to use the coping skills we worked on. Sometimes those around us get too cought up in it to be objective enough to point out our actions.

There is a saying, "when you know better, you do better". I doubt you've premeditated any of the bad actions. You didn't say "I feel like doing something stupid that will haunt me forever". When you do things you later regret, you simply do not know better at that time. Please cut yourself some slack. Focus instead on learning how you work. It's impossible to be perfect, so expect some backslides. Focus on learning to do better in the future. Turn each bad experience into something to learn and grow from. With practice, you will get better at making good choices. It might not be easy to see, but it will happen. (((hugs)))

[cincidak]

Are you on any medications? Maybe you need a dose change, or new medication. Therapy is great, but if you are dealing with uncontrolled mania I would ask for medication to get you stable.

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[~Christina]

BP and BPD can be a really rough combo ... On one hand you have the "joys" of Bipolar cycling and on the BPD you have the problems with control of situational stuff .

The only thing that I have seen some of my friends that deal with both..... is work ridiculously hard in DBT... They learn how to put hurdles in between them and explosions and all the amends that follow a melt down.

I don't think there is a one size fits all solution.. Take it day by day .. minute by minute if need be. Beating yourself up over and over and over is just taking time and energy away from you finding ways to minimize the effect BP and BPD has on your daily life.

Take care

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Thanks a lot everyone. You really helped me feel not so bad. My first therapy appt for DBT is tomorrow! I'm very nervous because it's been so long since I've seen a T. I've been doing "ok" in the past few days. Staying out of trouble

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You can do it! I was first introduced to dbt skills in my 20s and thought they were ridiculous. In my late 30s I fell in love with them. Now at 41, I still use them. Especially the distress tolerance skills. I hope you give them a chance.

[~Christina]

How did your DBT go ?????

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

How did your DBT go ?????

Thanks for asking. It was mostly paperwork and explanations about the program. I didn't meet my assigned therapist yet but it's individual therapy plus weekly group and paperwork. It seems like a lot of work and commitment but I'm going to stay positive.

[Victoria'smom]

good luck, when you you officially start?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

good luck, when you you officially start?

I have to wait till the therapist contacts me but less than a week. It's a lot of work which usually deters me and makes me quit. I hope I don't chicken out. I'm going to try my hardest to work with it and take is seriously though. This is my only chance to take action against my bad decisions.

[Nammu]

I hope you don't quit either, keep plugin away at it...it can't hurt and could help a lot.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'm going to have to put in my all to this. I feel so weird. So strange. Like I'm not normal. I act upon any sort of emotion, good and bad. That's not normal. I have no filter. I hate it. I just want that moment of clarity before I make a move but it's not there. I feel diseased and broken. Will I ever be normal? I'm sure as hell going to try I guess.

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[Nammu]

it's unfair that we should have to work so hard just to regulate moods. :hug g:

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'm having a really bad moment right now. I wish I had a T assigned to me already because the lady said we can call if we're in crisis. I went over my dads and the whole time he talked about how I'm trying to get SSD and I let him down. I just sat there silent and took it. My family hurts me so badly and every T I've had has told me to stay away. But then I blame myself and my MI for ruining my life. I feel I haven't accomplished anything and I'm a huge disappointment to everyone. I've ruined so many relationships in my life. I literally have three friends and that's it. I told everyone else to eff off in a moment of anger. Right now im really obsessing about my dad, my anger, my inability to control my anger. I have tears in my eyes right now. I wish it was time for bed so I could take my seroquel and peace out.

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[Victoria'smom]

parents can be so mean.

[cincidak]

Have you thought about a low dose of another antipsychotic for the day time? I take Saphris at bedtime, around 11pm, and at noon. It keeps me stable and happy.

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[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by cincidak

Have you thought about a low dose of another antipsychotic for the day time? I take Saphris at bedtime, around 11pm, and at noon. It keeps me stable and happy.

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I actually was on a high dose of saphris but it stopped putting me to sleep. But it did make me feel better. I have a pdoc appointment on Wednesday so maybe I'll bring it up to her and try and take it in the morning.

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[cincidak]

I hope they agree, and that if you take it, it really helps. They put me on 12.5 mg of Saphris at bedtime along with 10mg at noon. They also put me on 60mg of Geodon at bedtime because I was still having anger issues during the day, and my insurance wouldn't pay for a higher dose of Saphris. It only made me sleepy for the first week, now I just feel normal and stable. I hope the same for you. God bless. Prayers are with you.

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