Why am I afraid to be okay?

If I take my meds on time and get a good night's sleep, I'll probably feel pretty stable in the morning. I'll probably be able to get up, make breakfast, do a few chores, go for a walk, and have a normal day. I'll be capable, confident, and responsible.

Isn't that what I want?

How is it that I've had the strength to pull through suicidal depressions and succeed in my life despite serious MI, but the thought of truly being okay makes me scared and rebellious? Why does the thought of waking up tomorrow feeling good make me want to skip my meds, not sleep, and invite potentially devastating problems into my life?

Why?

Maybe because feeling off-balance is familiar to you and the unfamiliar seems scary? Just an idea. I bet if you dug deep (maybe through journaling or a therapy session with your T) you could find that answer for yourself.

I think this is a definite possibility. Being off balance and not okay becomes almost comforting because it is what we are used to.

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I think that if I were stable there would be no reason not to achieve great things and I'm afraid I would fail for no reason other than being a failure. While I'm struggling to remain stable, there's a clear explanation for my place in society. I grew up with everyone around me predicting stellar success, but did I crash and burn because of BP or have I used it as an excuse? This is the question that tears at my heart constantly. This, by itself, could destroy my wasted life.

For me, it's the fear of something new. I've been stable for a long time now, so my pdoc suggested I try to volunteer or maybe a part time job. It scares me...to have other people depend on me scares me.

I mean, hubby is still doing most of the housework... the daily stuff... because I just don't. How can I add something that would be normal and would have someone else depending on me? It's the next logical step to healing, but oh man... it's huge. AND I take my meds regularly, but the regular sleep and chores just doesn't happen....I wonder sometimes if I like being dysfunctional because I know it so well.....

Think about what you fear and I bet you'll find "being normal" is scary to you.

people fear what they don't understand. do you understand stability? I don't.

So true, so true. Besides the height of that step, there's the fear that I'll fall back and let everyone down that much more. So true. It's paralyzing for me.

I have no suggestions. But i want to thank you for posting this because it is exactly how i feel constantly. And thank you to the people to posted replies. Its out of our comfort zone and doesnt feel right.
You said what ive been feeling and i totally get it.

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Fear of not having an excuse.

My biggest fear is success. I spent a good portion of my life being told by teachers and school counselors that because of my being born with Spina Bifida, I would probably never amount to much, let alone hold a job for any length of time. Unfortunately these thoughts have stuck with me and now it seems they've come to a head and this is where I am...BP2 and MDD. I am constantly questioning myself and my purpose on this earth, along with always second guessing myself, which always fails me (but I do it anyway).

Sending hugs to all of us who've felt these feelings.

Yes, it feels like a lot of pressure to be a completely functional, self-sufficient, confident adult. I feel like being okay and starting to do normal things just sets me up for failure because I'm always expecting the crash...because it has always come. Every time.

It's like I'll wake up one day feeling good and stable, so I'll arrange to do some normal stuff the next day (volunteer for something, agree to lunch with a friend, buy a gym membership). Next day comes and I can't even leave the house. I watch it all fall apart.

I guess I'm basically used to "okay" being a nasty trick, so I kind of hate it. I don't want to get blindsided.

It never ceases to amaze me. I always find someone here who thinks and feels like I do. In those moments I think I am the only one who feels that way. Too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone. I mean really, how crazy might some of my thoughts sound to someone? And then I come here and I find like-minded people. Thanks for posting this Blaire.

Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel.

It's amazing what we become used to. We get so used to being out of control, that the stable life is an unknown and potentially scary place sometimes. Maybe it's also a fear because you know the likelihood of a relapse. Either way, and whatever the reason, I hope you find and keep stability. It's a nice place to be.

I relate to this a lot. I'm on day 2 with no sleep because I didn't take my AP, which helps me sleep. Scratch that. I basically will sleep if I take it. If I skip it, I will not sleep at all. So I know what I'm in for and it sounds like it's similar for you.

I don't want a "bedtime," I'm not a baby. That's my thought process. I don't think it's particularly irrational, either. It's how I feel. I like nighttime, it's my favorite part of the day.

Major life STRESS is what triggers full mania with psychosis for me. Missing a couple of night's sleep does not. Also, my boyfriend has bipolar 1, he relates and if he says you gotta get sleep absolutely, I'll do that. We watch out for each other.

So yeah, I do this sometimes. And then I get solid sleep for at least a few days.

You said devastating consequences are possible for you...what types of things?

(No lectures, please. I know take meds as directed, etc., too risky, etc.)

I think bipolar can become part of our identity, and giving up part of our identity is scary.

For me, at least, it's also about euphoric hypomania. If I start to feel hypomanic, I'll do anything to keep that going.

Do you guys drink on your meds? Same theme, I think.

I used to drink on my meds. That was not good. I quit drinking.

I used to drink on my meds, but I was a severe alcoholic and would drink no matter what. I quit too.

Devastating consequences for me generally means a major mixed episode where I can't control myself. The big risk is always that I'll start drinking again which generally leads me right into suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

I used to drink on my meds years ago. Aside from a drink or 2 max, every six months or so, I don't drink at all.

Because being 'okay' will have greater expectations? Fear of failure?

(rhetorical questions)

I am afraid that if I am okay that I will be taken off disability and expected to work and I am afraid I won't be able to work and that it will take months (or longer) to get back on disability. In the mean time I guess I would be homeless, in which case I could not get on disability since you need a permanent residence to even apply.
But since I would no longer have any meds I guess I would end up in the psyche ward and get disability sooner than I think. Still scares the crap out of me.

I do work and am single mom. I take my meds,see my T. It is depressing sometimes..because i feel like'this is it. I will be doing meds seeing t,not doing other things-for rest of my life,in order to stay stable. Too much stress-without an outlet,will make me manic. Ive had to realize sometimes just going to work,care for kids stop buy few groceries-is all i can handle in 1 day-it frustrates me. So then i come home-too worn out to do laundry,to do bills,to clean-so push that off until next day. Lay on couch,veg,interact with kids...but it frustrates me because on some level-i thought "i would get better/be able do everything",only i cant. It seems i will really always have to pace myself and yes there is fear. Fear because if i try to be superwoman-again-will i wind up in patient! Or fear/sad because i compare myself to other women,who i think can do it all. On those days,im like God,why cant i do all those things...because I was classic over achiever in high school. I was the kid who got many awards did many activities etc