[gina_re]

I'm sure many of us have had SI/plans/attempts, etc. But if you're reading this, you did not succeed in your plan. There is a reason for that. And I'm happy that is the case, because this forum wouldn't be the same without you. The reason for this thread is that I was sitting here eating my lunch pondering life for a moment and how my life was in the past. I was at a really dark place in my life and was just done. I mean I just did not care. But then my sister tells me that she's pregnant. I was going to have a nephew! It was a blessing in disguise. I felt like I had a purpose. Someone to live for. Someone that may look up to me. So I stayed. Trust me, there have been times since then that I wanted to go, but hearing him say Auntie to me in his little squeaky voice....I just can't.
Thankfully, you're still here. Why do you think that is the case?

and I apologize if this is a repeat of any recent thread. I honestly haven't been super active here as my meds are being adjusted

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I have a very similar reason. This last 2 years I was suicidal a lot but knew I could never carry it out because I couldn't hurt my niece who was old enough to remember me that way. She loves her Aunt Rainbow and I couldn't bear to hurt her in a way that would last always. So now I'm stuck here (and now her little sister also would remember me and has bonded tightly to me).

[jacky8807]

Definitely my sons. It would destroy them so completely they would never recover

[Yours_Truly]

I wound up with no kids, even though I always thought I'd have them. So it's not knowing exactly how to accomplish it that has stopped me. And a little fear.

[scatterbrained04]

My son. His dad is a deadbeat, so he only has me. We're very close. It would destroy him.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

My kids, first and foremost. Then I don't think I could do that to my husband or my mother. More my kids, though. I've definitely had the thoughts that my husband and mother would both understand (because of the MI) and recover. I don't think my kids ever would, though - I don't think I could do something so permanently, devastatingly traumatic to them.

It is weird, though, what the BP brain will twist around when you're depressed. I routinely have the thought that my kids would be much better off without me when I'm in the depths of it. There must be some part of me that clings to the knowledge, however buried by the BP, that that isn't the truth.

[vjdragonfly]

My kids are the main reason I hang on during the worst of times because deep down I know they need their mother. My husband would be the next although there has been times battles with him has brought me to that dark place. Lastly would be the rest of my family, I wouldn't want to put them through that pain. I don't know at which point it wouldn't be enough if my kids didn't exist, responsibility factors in the most for me.

[Unrigged64072835]

Mainly my daughter and husband keep me here. My daughter has kept me here as long as she has been alive. I raised her mostly by myself so I had to be there for her. My husband is a sweet and sensitive soul who would be devastated if I left. He's the first to know my ideations so we can work on getting me help. I don't really have much family left and only a couple of friends.

My son. His dad has never been a father to him. My son and I are really close. It would have probably destroyed him. His grandmother died when he was 11. They were really close as well. He would have been even more lost.

I'm so glad I never succeeded in my attempts. Also I feel I'm here to help other abuse survivors. And I would have really hurt my family too.

[mossanimal]

Well my kids and leaving my wife alone (even though at my worst I thought she would be way better off without me). But... it's amazing since my diagnosis with BP how things have changed. I feel like there has been a reason for my wild, fun, catastrophic, irresponsible, tragic, erratically successful life. The extreme sadness really didn't have a place.. despite the wreck I've caused myself. Life has been very fun despite all that. It's just that the depression ruined things. That is what I understand now.... because nothing else has really changed. I still have to deal with all the problems I've caused myself. I'm still a bit irresponsible even. But.. I no longer think my wife is out to get me... and I'm happy for the first time in a LONG time. So... well.. carry on.

This is the thing for me. I'm still here because of my mum, who's now 84. I never married, have no kids or siblings, and no relatives in this country. I will go when she does. Because then there will be no one. My T doesn't understand that. She should read this thread. Everyone stays because of someone else. If there is no one, then there is no more reason to stay. This is the only place that understands.

[BipolaRNurse]

About two weeks before he passed away, my husband made me promise three things---that I'd stay sober, stay on my meds, and stay alive. I know he wouldn't want me to die a day sooner than I'm supposed to, and of course my family would be devastated to lose me. I hope I can remember that the next time I get to thinking they'd be better off without me...thank goodness I live with my son and son-in-law, they take good care of me.

[99fairies]

My kids and my husband who has done everything possible to fight for me. It would be a huge slap in the face for him.

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by Yours_Truly

I wound up with no kids, even though I always thought I'd have them. So it's not knowing exactly how to accomplish it that has stopped me. And a little fear.

I don't think kids are for everyone. I know I'm good with the title of aunt, I get to have the fun and give them right back to their parents for all the hard stuff. A reason to live can be anything from love from your family, to completing a project/school/etc. I hope you are able to find your purpose. Pm me if you need to.

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by Little Cat

This is the thing for me. I'm still here because of my mum, who's now 84. I never married, have no kids or siblings, and no relatives in this country. I will go when she does. Because then there will be no one. My T doesn't understand that. She should read this thread. Everyone stays because of someone else. If there is no one, then there is no more reason to stay. This is the only place that understands.

It's wonderful that you have been there to take care of your mother. And when she is no longer with us, it will be difficult to carry on. Grieving a loved one is extremely painful. I lost my grandmother almost three years ago and I still tear up talking about her. My immediate thought when I saw her take her last breath was that I wanted to die and be with her. I don't want to live without her. But I know she would never want me to do that. She would want me to continue to live and be the best that I can be. I know she's watching over me. My turn will eventually come. I'm hoping this is the case with you. Pm me if you need to. I totally understand your thoughts about this.

[Coconutzo]

So much love in these posts.

[Ripose]

My wife. She is the only person in my adult life that I have spent more than 2 years with, she is the only one who even tries to understand me. I am the only person she has ever trusted in her life. I know she could continue without me but she has made it very clear that she does not even want to try. I love her dearly.

[JustJace2u]

I am still here for my niece and nephew and my parents.

At the times I didn't even think my kids would care but then something happened in the hospital.

Possible trigger:

The man in the room next to mine took his life while I was just in the next room

I saw the devastation played out as the whole tragedy spiralled outwards from those of us who first responded to others to loved ones as we all sought solace and support to the people they in turn sought for support and so on. I saw this first hand. I vowed I would never do that to anyone if I could help it.

[Wander]

For me it is similar. Family keeps me tethered to this earth. My parents, sister, nieces and nephews. Once when I was very suicidal I could rationalise the adults in my family would be able to go on without me but when I thought of my nieces and nephews their innocence struck me. I just couldn't take their beloved aunty from them. Secondly I sometimes wonder what I will be missing out on in life in general. My curiosity gets the best of me. I wonder about world events I will miss and small joys in life should I get well again. Rarely the depression/mixed is so dark that I cannot see any light. At those times I am hospitalised to keep me safe till I see some light.

[boogiesmash]

During my attempt my niece called me to wish me a happy birthday. The thought of her attending my funeral was shock enough to stop what I was doing. I wanna see the woman she will become.

because i was a mistake

and i can't even get death right

Possible trigger:

this is why i'm so intent on going to 1 of those assisted suicide clinics (it would mean me having to leave the house, which is scary as ****) but i honestly think it's for a worthy cause

in another thread, I mentioned perhaps the reason had something to do with god wanting better for me, but I since let go of that idea. why would i think that

[whoamihere]

My son is the reason. He needs a mom, even if she's off her rocker.

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by Wander

For me it is similar. Family keeps me tethered to this earth. My parents, sister, nieces and nephews. Once when I was very suicidal I could rationalise the adults in my family would be able to go on without me but when I thought of my nieces and nephews their innocence struck me. I just couldn't take their beloved aunty from them. Secondly I sometimes wonder what I will be missing out on in life in general. My curiosity gets the best of me. I wonder about world events I will miss and small joys in life should I get well again. Rarely the depression/mixed is so dark that I cannot see any light. At those times I am hospitalised to keep me safe till I see some light.

Exactly, my nephew is the one person on this earth that does not know or understand this diagnosis. I never felt judged by him because of his innocence. It's refreshing.
It is sometimes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there. Sometimes you just have to work harder to find it.

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

because i was a mistake

and i can't even get death right

Possible trigger:

this is why i'm so intent on going to 1 of those assisted suicide clinics (it would mean me having to leave the house, which is scary as ****) but i honestly think it's for a worthy cause

in another thread, I mentioned perhaps the reason had something to do with god wanting better for me, but I since let go of that idea. why would i think that

I know we don't know each other personally, but I would like better for you. I know you suffer greatly. As far as God wanting something better for me, I can't believe that either. TBH I don't think he exists. But you're still here, and we're all happy for that.