Overwhelmed-Possible TRIGGER

****POSSIBLE TRIGGER****

Over the last month, oddly since my depression lifted, I have been flooded with memories from very distressing events that occurred in the last 15 years. I have been processing them with my T and have felt I made real progress. However in the last few days childhood trauma has resurfaced. I thought it was dealt with.

In my mind many of my woes, my physical and mental illness, plus some poor life choices, are ultimately because of it. Gosh, just last week a specialist told me my jaw issues are due to the trauma. Anger and rage consumes me. I have lost so much. My physical health is very poor (Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia) and prevents me from being able to pursue a career or have any decent social life. PTSD and Bipolar also make it difficult to be reliable. I barely manage 16 hours a week work and 1 unit at university. I have been working with what I've got, trying to find a way forward, trying to be positive and do all I can to be healthy. Oh god, I try with all my heart.

Suddenly today it hit me that much of my suffering and struggle in life is due to this one person who did the most horrific things to me for years while I was growing up. I want to kill him. If not him then me. Even with my deepest rage I am not sure if I am cut out to take another human beings life. But I feel I can't live with this situation. He lives not far from me. The 'justice' system is a joke. I used to be able to just let it go and try to get on with my life but today I am really stuck. To the rage and heartache I am feeling is overwhelming me.

Tonight I spoke to a close friend and she helped calm me enough to keep me safe as long as I can get to sleep soon. Apart from her I have few friends I can talk to so I guess I am just venting. The intensity of my feelings terrify me. I am a pacifist in most circumstances. My mind has been planning and plotting, trying to find the perfect solution but they all end in death. This has just all hit me suddenly. Maybe I can sleep it off. I took some CLonazepam.

Sorry to be so intense. This is really scary. I know this is a PTSD thing but I haven't posted in that forum before so I feel shy. My pdoc and T are uncontactable one weekends. (sometimes my T responds but that is only in very serious emergencies - like I am in ER). I can contact the hospital I have been to but that is only if I need to be hospitalised. My university exam is in 12 days. I have work tomorrow. I need to snap out of this and focus! Not go to hospital.

You've been through so much!! I want to mote all the positives you are doing for yourself right now...be proud of yourself for that. I'm sending you warm hugs!!!

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.

I just want to give you some hugs...
I hope they help a little.

I say you are in crisis mode so text or call your therapist.
sorry it is so hard for you.
sorry for your suffering.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I'm going through exactly the same thing. I thought I'd dealt with it but it's obvious now that I never did. What is getting to me the worst is that the people who abused me not only hurt me when it happened, but they forever altered my life in ways I'm just now realizing. It feels like they ruined me. It's so painful.

I relate to the feeling that is all ends in death. My heart breaks for you. Let your professionals know what is happening if you can. If I can help you in anyway, feel free to send me a pm. (((Hugs)))

Thanks everyone. I just got up, going to work soon, and I am exhausted and very upset. Hopefully I can settle into work and forget about things for a while. So much anger, despair, sense of injustice and hopelessness. Don't know how I am going to be able to switch it off at work but I will try. Still overwhelmed. Will contact my T tomorrow(Monday) if I can't cope. At the moment I am holding it together by a thread.

Called in sick to work. Too panicked and overwhelmed.

Hugs, wander.

please call tomorrow.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thanks for your concern Bizi. I will contact my T tomorrow morning. My parents just dropped over. My Mum suggested hospital and deferring my exam but I want to wait and see if I calm down by tomorrow. If I am worse I guess I will have no choice as I will be unsafe.

It helped having company, being able to talk about my rage a bit then talk about science and other random subjects to distract me. They have just left. Now I hope to work of my prep for my exam after taking Clonazepam to calm down. My mind races so it is hard to concentrate. I feel sick from the stress.

Thanks again to everyone for their hugs and support. It helps more than I can say.

(((((((((Wander)))))))))

Sent a text to my T. Haven't heard back yet but I know he will be working. Called in sick to work again. The panic, fear and rage are too strong to be put under pressure. Talked to a friend last night. He was very supportive. My parents are being great too so I am not alone. And I have you guys! This support helps so much. My mind gets away from me, driven by negative emotions towards destruction. the support helps me use my rational mind and stay safe.

Spoke to my T. He is concerned about my obsessional thoughts and my safety. Tonight I am going to try extra meds to calm down and touch base with my T tomorrow. If I get worse he wants me IP. I am so panicked and scared. The thoughts in my head are terrifying. Really hoping the meds work and I can pull out from this dive very soon. I don't want to go to hospital. It feels like a failure. I was last in there four months ago and was hoping to at least make it 6 months between admissions. Petty issue I am sure but the little things bug me at the moment. My mind is a war zone.

Sometimes it takes a long while to become stable. Don't see it as a failure. We're still here for you.

-----i notice you have an exam coming up. That always made me stressed. Sounds like you need to call a helpline if your t wont speak to you.Try to cut back on anything you can. After exam is over---- try a support group so you can talk and dont feel alone. Ask someone to be your exam study buddy. Ask your boss if you can work fewer hours around exams. We're all with you!

How is your sleeping wander?
Sometimes getting good sleep helps, I know you called your Tdoc but what about your pdoc? It sounds like a mixed mood??? ruminating sounds obsessive could be agitated depression???
bizi

My sleep has been ok. With Zyprexa and Clonazepam I get about 6 hours of decent sleep. Without it I am too restless, panicked and can't shut my mind down so can't fall asleep. Last night I even managed 7 hours sleep with only Clonazepam. I hate taking Zyprexa due to weight gain, but it sure does help.

At the moment I think my symptoms are PTSD related; hyper-vigilence, panic, obsessive thoughts of revenge, paranoia and feeling very wound up and full of rage. Complex PTSD and Bipolar have many symptoms that overlap but as this episode started on Saturday with a revelation about the abuse I'm thinking PTSD.

Saying that, PTSD can trigger bipolar episodes. Yesterday I channelled my obsession into study and worked like crazy all day till 8pm when I had done all I could before I get more info on my exam tomorrow. My energy is returning (Chronic Fatigue had been really bad for last few weeks), I just went on a long walk to burn the rage off. It helped a bit but now I still feel obsessed and intense. My mood is actually pretty good today. It is odd being happy while having dark, obsessional thoughts.

I see my T in an hour and will tell all and see what he suggests. My next pdoc appt is in a week. My exam is in 8 days. I think I am coping well and will get through this.

I am glad that you are seeing your medical team.
It sounds like you are doing what you need to do to get things done. Take walks everyday if you can.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thanks Bizi. Yesterday I saw my T. He suspects I might be in a mild mixed state as I was quite hyper and euphoric when I saw him. A big swing in mood from days prior to that. I am also being very obsessional and my thoughts jump all over the place but I feel razor sharp and focused mentally. It is a powerful state of mind. The PTSD stuff also isn't bothering me as much, though I still have waves of it at times.

Today I read through the two essays I worked on, and felt I had completed to HD level. They were a mess. I had shown insight into the topics and used plenty of references to back myself up but it was disordered and my conclusion didn't really relate to my introduction. Sent a message to my T about it and he said at least I was able to see clearly enough to recognise it now. Well now I am going to be spending hours re-writing them, then learning them off by heart to write out in my exam without any notes bar the exact quotes I use. I have a week. Will be busy with work on top of study but I feel confident I can do very well in the exam.