[Wander]

For the last six days I have been feeling weird. Background; PTSd issues hit me 15 days ago, I snapped and became very suicidal and obsessive. Was able to switch that off (the suicidal bit at least) till last Thursday when I had my Literature exam. Since then I have become very suicidal at times with grandiose, delusional, agitated, racing thoughts stuff haunting me. Yesterday I switched to happy.

The euphoria I have felt since yesterday feels very spiritual (I am not religious, possibly even atheist) and overwhelmed with a feeling of oneness with everything. I feel I know everything and am very powerful. expansive. My pdoc thinks it is related to the PTSD and bipolar. My way of coping with overwhelming emotions. Either way I feel like a god. Senses are heightened intensely and 'reality' slipping away. But I feel so good. have had some dark moments return with SI but they pass quickly.

Is this psychosis? Or am I having a spiritual awakening? Didn't think to ask my pdoc will have to wait till Thursday when I see him again. Seeing T tomorrow tho so interested to see what he thinks. Anyone else felt like this. I feel more 'normal' than ever.

A tiny voice inside me says this is not normal and is trying to bring me down but the power of the experience is making me want to stay like this. Maybe I can resolve some issues while so high. I feel pressured by all the thoughts in my head so a little anxious and obsessive but still great.

Originally Posted by Wander

For the last six days I have been feeling weird. Background; PTSd issues hit me 15 days ago, I snapped and became very suicidal and obsessive. Was able to switch that off (the suicidal bit at least) till last Thursday when I had my Literature exam. Since then I have become very suicidal at times with grandiose, delusional, agitated, racing thoughts stuff haunting me. Yesterday I switched to happy.

The euphoria I have felt since yesterday feels very spiritual (I am not religious, possibly even atheist) and overwhelmed with a feeling of oneness with everything. I feel I know everything and am very powerful. expansive. My pdoc thinks it is related to the PTSD and bipolar. My way of coping with overwhelming emotions. Either way I feel like a god. Senses are heightened intensely and 'reality' slipping away. But I feel so good. have had some dark moments return with SI but they pass quickly.

Is this psychosis? Or am I having a spiritual awakening? Didn't think to ask my pdoc will have to wait till Thursday when I see him again. Seeing T tomorrow tho so interested to see what he thinks. Anyone else felt like this. I feel more 'normal' than ever.

A tiny voice inside me says this is not normal and is trying to bring me down but the power of the experience is making me want to stay like this. Maybe I can resolve some issues while so high. I feel pressured by all the thoughts in my head so a little anxious and obsessive but still great.

I could have written this same post word for freakin word!!! It sounds like you have delusions of grandeur (at least that is what they call it when I feel this way)
The delusions of grandeur are the only symptom I get which convinces me I'm probably dealing with bipolar. Delusions of grandeur do not seem to be a PTSD thing from the research I've done. It's a wonderful feeling but the comedown is usually crushing....and embarrassing so be on the lookout for that. Keep in touch with your doctors but also let yourself enjoy it within reason. I'm usually so depressed with such a poor self imagine that I almost feel I deserve some grandeur from time to time. As long as I don't act like a total jerk in the process which did happen about 3 1/2 years ago. (((Hugs)))

It also sounds like you've been in a mixed state which is what the doctor I spoke with today confirmed I was experiencing (((hugs)))

[Wander]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I could have written this same post word for freakin word!!! It sounds like you have delusions of grandeur (at least that is what they call it when I feel this way)
The delusions of grandeur are the only symptom I get which convinces me I'm probably dealing with bipolar. Delusions of grandeur do not seem to be a PTSD thing from the research I've done. It's a wonderful feeling but the comedown is usually crushing....and embarrassing so be on the lookout for that. Keep in touch with your doctors but also let yourself enjoy it within reason. I'm usually so depressed with such a poor self imagine that I almost feel I deserve some grandeur from time to time. As long as I don't act like a total jerk in the process which did happen about 3 1/2 years ago. (((Hugs)))

Yeh, I haven't felt this high before. Past mania was more like bordering on hypomania. I felt similar but not so intense and didn't feel like I could control the universe. I have only been manic twice before. First was 18 years ago and it was dark and out of control while also laughing at stuff that was not funny and acting very odd. the other I just mentioned and that was 2014. mostly I get about 2 hypomania's a year and they are fun, then followed by deep depression or worse, mixed. If I count the severe mixed states I have had then I have been manic more that twice.

That is why this is so intoxicating. I am usually mixed, depressed or briefly hypo. I still am unsure that I am manic right now. Maybe it is spiritual (as in a one with the universe way, not that I am Jesus). being so connected to all gives me access to change things. I don't think I am better than everyone else, just very connected to trees, ocean, people etc So expansive. Like I am big enough to hold the universe within me. Secretly I suspect I may be a bit off but mostly it is very real.

If this is mania I am going to try for the softest landing that has ever occurred.

Feeling you have special powers over the universe would be classified as delusions of grandeur from what I've been told. It sounds like mania but that doesn't mean it isn't also a spiritual awakening of sorts. I think it can have any significance you give to it. Use your powers for good and be prepared for the landing. I hope you glide softly and safely along the runway back to stability. It's a wonderful feeling isn't it? Life changing for sure. I've been laughing at everything lately and I fear it's been inappropriate at times. I hope we both have safe landings and can retain some of the wonderous feelings we currently have. Looking into the nights sky is especially surreal and spectacular

I hope you are doing well today Wander. ((Hugs))

[Wander]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I hope you are doing well today Wander. ((Hugs))

The olanzapine took my euphoria away and I don't feel like a god. Stupid meds. Hopefully it will wear off and I will feel great again. Dark feelings back too. Must be the meds messing with my mood. I just want the happy-fluffy-bunnies experience of life again.

Still, I feel spiritual and deeply connected to the universe. Do you know what a fractal is?



A fractal is a never-ending pattern. Fractals are infinitely complex patterns that are self-similar across different scales. They are created by repeating a simple process over and over in an ongoing feedback loop. Driven by recursion, fractals are images of dynamic systems – the pictures of Chaos. Geometrically, they exist in between our familiar dimensions. Fractal patterns are extremely familiar, since nature is full of fractals.

To me fractals represent infinity and chaos. they fascinate me. I have a canvas of one on my wall in my flat. No matter how deep within the fractal you go it ends up looking exactly like the beginning and goes on this way forever. Right now I feel in touch with that infinity. From the tiniest particle inside an atom or quark to the ends of the glorious universe, or multi-verse. This has always captivated me, even when 'normal' so I don't think I am being grandiose.

Anyway, i could ramble on for hours. I will try to keep my posts small. Mood is picking up now I am awake and had my coffee.

So anyone else had spiritual experiences while manic or hypo manic? What were they like?

[LadyShadow]

Yes the meds will bring you down. But yes I remember what that was like for me. Last year I had such a "spiritual awakening" I ended up in the hospital. I was speaking to the trees the lovely "Northern Wind" that used to blow through my hair on October nights making me feel one with the Universe. I know the feelings all too well.

I am sorry it didn't last. Usually its a euphoria that leads to danger so be thankful at least you came down to a bit of reality. I miss those feelings every day. Life isn't just the same after you've experienced such bliss.

Gentle ((hugs))

[Wander]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Yes the meds will bring you down. But yes I remember what that was like for me. Last year I had such a "spiritual awakening" I ended up in the hospital. I was speaking to the trees the lovely "Northern Wind" that used to blow through my hair on October nights making me feel one with the Universe. I know the feelings all too well.

I am sorry it didn't last. Usually its a euphoria that leads to danger so be thankful at least you came down to a bit of reality. I miss those feelings every day. Life isn't just the same after you've experienced such bliss.

Gentle ((hugs))

Thanks! I had Olanzapine about 4pm yesterday and the euphoria is returning. Yey for me! Normal feels so boring. As I;m IP I am guessing they will keep medicating me when I get too high even though I don't want to be. I guess I could resist but non-compliance leads to bad consequences(like being put in a locked ward with no access to treatment team I know well) and it also breaks down trust between me and staff. I will just hold off taking anti-psychotics as long as possible.

What is odd is that after i took the olazapine my euphoria and positivity turned to dysphoria and negativity rather than bringing me to the middle I swung below baseline. I felt awful. Not sure how that happens.

[Wild Coyote]

It's very possible to have a spiritual experience while also experiencing euphoria/delusions. You may recall something about your experiences which has an effect upon your spiritual life.

In my own experience of knowing many people in spiritual communities of various types, a very high percentage of those I know have had "blissful, expansive experiences" without use of drugs -- and also experience mood swings which could easily be classified as M.I. Some others seek/create these experiences through use of drugs, especially "mushrooms."

I, personally, have never known a spiritual leader or guru without conditions very strongly resembling bipolar I mood swings. They are often suddenly on sabbatical or otherwise "protected" from public view when the crash.

Just my own experience with various spiritual communities -- of many types.

I am glad you are safe.


WC

[Christopher1990]

If it were, you shouldn't have SI thoughts. Kundhalini/Spiritual Awkening is all
a possibility in my opinion. I wouldn't tell your doctor this, he will most likely increase/add med or send to hospital. Almost all of my manias were spiritual to me. They don't understand it. You will meet others who can relate to your experience. I would do research and try to find out everything you can about
what's going on. If your not normally a spiritual person, or religious it would
probably be very confusing and maybe lead to a mix state./
Good luck to ya!

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It's very possible to have a spiritual experience while also experiencing euphoria/delusions. You may recall something about your experiences which has an effect upon your spiritual life.

In my own experience of knowing many people in spiritual communities of various types, a very high percentage of those I know have had "blissful, expansive experiences" without use of drugs -- and also experience mood swings which could easily be classified as M.I. Some others seek/create these experiences through use of drugs, especially "mushrooms."

I, personally, have never known a spiritual leader or guru without conditions very strongly resembling bipolar I mood swings. They are often suddenly on sabbatical or otherwise "protected" from public view when the crash.

Just my own experience with various spiritual communities -- of many types.

I am glad you are safe.


WC

About 20 years ago I tried magic mushrooms and took lots of LSD. This experience is similar in atmosphere but without the very vivid hallucinations I got off the drugs. I do feel like I am on some amazing drug, intoxicating experience. Everything is more beautiful and real and connected and I feel like a god with powers.

I bet some spiritual gurus have BP. I haven't met any yet though I do have a BP friend who sees himself as a mystic but that is all the time, not just episode related and he takes meds.

Anyone heard of the Icarus project? It's a board that allows more exploring of the spiritual connections relating to mental illness and less restrictive on topics which can be discussed. I haven't visited there in awhile but they do have meet ups in my area and I'm thinking of joining.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Christopher1990

If it were, you shouldn't have SI thoughts. Kundhalini/Spiritual Awkening is all
a possibility in my opinion. I wouldn't tell your doctor this, he will most likely increase/add med or send to hospital. Almost all of my manias were spiritual to me. They don't understand it. You will meet others who can relate to your experience. I would do research and try to find out everything you can about
what's going on. If your not normally a spiritual person, or religious it would
probably be very confusing and maybe lead to a mix state./
Good luck to ya!

Well this mania started off very dark and I was suicidal. It keeps switching between euphoria and dysphoria. I love the euphoria. It due to my ptsd triggered mania that I am already IP. Wish it would stay happy but I fall into darkness at times with same racing thoughts, pressured speech, anxiety and agitation. I feel like my brain is trying to process trauma but switches to euphoria as a defence mechanism to keep me safe. At all times I feel like a god and that i can change the world in a powerful way and know ALL.

I have been reading on spiritual emergencies online where mania can lead to spiritual awakening. Thing is, I am not religious at all but do have a spirituality of sorts even though I lean towards atheism.

[wiretwister]

I can give you a simple test .... still yourself ... clear your mind ... and ask " your god" to not gift you with this at this time ... "just say no" .... if it is from a higher calling and you are sencere it will cease ... if not then I would probabily go with the med .. MI ... thing .... the "spirits" will not push themselves on you .... this has been my experiences .... when I asked for it to stop ... it did ... but be fore warned ... it may never return ... mine left over 30 years ago ... never to return ... this was when I was preaching regularlly and could not "contain" the experience .... Tigger,

ps: my biggest thing was the time losses ... seconds to me in prayer ... would in reality be many minutes ... it was just more than I was prepared for ....

I still know we are one with the universe .... but I no longer have that personal connection .... I am seperated from that great sense of "power" ... if by some gift you have opened this door .... use it wisely ... either way be safe my friend ...

[Wander]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

I can give you a simple test .... still yourself ... clear your mind ... and ask " your god" to not gift you with this at this time ... "just say no" .... if it is from a higher calling and you are sencere it will cease ... if not then I would probabily go with the med .. MI ... thing .... the "spirits" will not push themselves on you .... this has been my experiences .... when I asked for it to stop ... it did ... but be fore warned ... it may never return ... mine left over 30 years ago ... never to return ... this was when I was preaching regularlly and could not "contain" the experience .... Tigger,

ps: my biggest thing was the time losses ... seconds to me in prayer ... would in reality be many minutes ... it was just more than I was prepared for ....

I still know we are one with the universe .... but I no longer have that personal connection .... I am seperated from that great sense of "power" ... if by some gift you have opened this door .... use it wisely ... either way be safe my friend ...

Thanks Tigger, I am basically an atheist with a sense of spirituality. I have no gods to pray to except myself. And, I don't want this feeling to go away. Well the euphoria not the darkness. In the past I was a christian and had many powerful spiritual experiences. How I feel now is different as i am the god. The pressure in my mind is immense; racing thoughts, ideas and processing all the sensory information around me. Feels like my brain may explode but still I am happy.

I just hope the darkness doesn't depend me into mixed as it did yesterday. When that happens I am not safe.

Thanks for your thoughts!

[wiretwister]

The pressure in my mind is immense; racing thoughts, ideas and processing all the sensory information around me. Feels like my brain may explode but still I am happy.

this sounds like simple manic thoughts to me ... but I am by no means an expert

I just hope the darkness doesn't depend me into mixed as it did yesterday. When that happens I am not safe.

If you are not "safe" please seek help ... call a friend and talk it out ... a crisis line ... of if you fear life now ... go to the er ... we all want you safe ... please take care of yourself ... by the way I never said I was christian ... that is a religion ... religions are designed to prevent us from finding "out what is really there" ....

[/QUOTE]

[Wander]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

The pressure in my mind is immense; racing thoughts, ideas and processing all the sensory information around me. Feels like my brain may explode but still I am happy.

this sounds like simple manic thoughts to me ... but I am by no means an expert

I just hope the darkness doesn't depend me into mixed as it did yesterday. When that happens I am not safe.

If you are not "safe" please seek help ... call a friend and talk it out ... a crisis line ... of if you fear life now ... go to the er ... we all want you safe ... please take care of yourself ... by the way I never said I was christian ... that is a religion ... religions are designed to prevent us from finding "out what is really there" ....

[/QUOTE]

thanks tigger. both my pdoc and T think I'm bordering on manic but still have insight, well some.

I hope you stay in the light too. Do you have any contingency plans if you feel unsafe?

you are right about religions. i steer clear of them these days but love feeling so connected to the universe. From the tiniest particle to the entire multiverse. It is amazing.

Sigh, I miss being manic. I enjoyed the entire ride.I too experienced delusions of grandeur (I thought I was a world class level adventurer and outdoors person - it led me to some pretty extreme and risky adventures).

But what goes up must come down. I was completely unprepared for it. A poster above mentioned the fall being crushing and embarrassing. I certainly experienced both.

I only wish there were people around me who loved me to get me some help before the crash.