[Victoria'smom]

I'm trying to stay out of IOP so I wrote this to T. I need to know if she is willing to work with me outside IOP/ PHP setting.

Possible trigger:

I'm use to wanting to(ways to SH). I've learned to ignore it. Even have a tattoo to cover up my veins to prevent me from trying. They're just thoughts. I don't need IOP / PHP because of them. I don't even think I need therapy more then like 2x a month. I would never use the (therapy co.) van. Getting into a van with a bunch of strangers is a good way to die. I don't even say hi to people even if they say hi let alone talk to anyone in public unless DH is right there. Sometimes even if DH right there. However I avoid leaving the house because I am also scared to ride in cars. However staying home alone I often worry someone will break in. I'm petrified of the hospital and will do anything to stay out of it.

Is there any way to shorten it, make it less intense without loosing information?

[bizi]

hugs (((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[unaluna]

Im not sure what youre trying to say. I mean, i see the logical progression of like forms of not going out, not talking to people, down to staying home and then thats not perfect either.

Maybe put it like an english composition: i dont need iop. Here are my reasons:

A. SH 1. I rarely do it. 2. My tattoos stop me. Etc
B. Travel 1. Cars. Xxxx
C. Strangers 1.

But then i like to see stuff in lists, divided up! Otherwise i lose track.

[Victoria'smom]

I was trying to do a quick little paragraph about why iop/ php aren't right for me but that I don't need ip either.

[Nammu]

Sounds more like you are trying to persuade yourself. You go off your meds, get worse then refuse meds, refuse help by convincing yourself you don't need it, it ends in a crisis. Your life isn't working the way it's going. Why not try a program that might help? Except that you don't give in to the SI, your reasons for not going sound more like reasons you should go. You are isolating and isolation is rarely a good thing for us.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm not trying to persuade myself. I'm not in crisis nor have it seen myself in crisis this last year. I'm only taking meds because she vaugly threatened the hospital and now she brings up iop. I need her to know all the difficulties in me going to iop and my fear of strangers, traveling in cars are two of the difficulties. She wanted me iop because of my thoughts. You think she'll want it more knowing I'm isolated? I only got to her because therapy helped me a lot three years ago to accept who I am. The only thing that is getting in the way of life is my fear of being in a car and the fear extending to family driving too.

[Victoria'smom]

I added: I don't want to go back to therapy. If you want me IOP now when I'm doing generally okay what's going to happen when I'm struggling and anxious about thoughts I wont act on.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I added: I don't want to go back to therapy. If you want me IOP now when I'm doing generally okay what's going to happen when I'm struggling and anxious about thoughts I wont act on.

I think that gets your point across.

It just feels like this is a rest and rebuilding time. Not a time to push. more a time to FEEL our way through to what step next feels right to take. Take it slow and listen to the universe.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I wonder how much your therapist is reacting to not knowing you as much as anything. I know 11 years ago my therapist would advocate for me to be IP much, much more readily than he does now after he has pretty well learned my breaking point. Back then we had a number of times when he wanted me IP and my pdoc was letting me stay home with various boundaries because my pdoc had known me for years and had a pretty good idea of my limits. Now they usually agree but I've seen my therapist 11 years and my pdoc 13 so they both know my patterns well.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm pretty sure it's because she doesn't know me but to her I'm "high risk". She doesn't have my notes from former T's. All they sent was what medication I was on. I re-requested them and will pay for them if I have to. I know this is "growing pains" but it really does concern me that she's like this. I'm kinda hoping she says she can't work with me and transfers me to whoever does take "high risk" patients. I'm worried the note will tip her over to IOP and I just wont go and then I'm out a T and pnurse again this year.

[franz kafka]

Sorry, maybe you explain this elsewhere but I'm confused. Why are you worried about hospital?

[Victoria'smom]

I hate the hospital. I worry about catching something, driving there, having to talk there, eating there, being put IP for being honest, and med changes. basically the lack of control. Then I have to explain to my son where I am which is fine. I have to get my husband up early to take me. The biggest part is I hate being misunderstood.

ETA: I also don't think I'd be let out of the program.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I hate the hospital. I worry about catching something, driving there, having to talk there, eating there, being put IP for being honest, and med changes. basically the lack of control. Then I have to explain to my son where I am which is fine. I have to get my husband up early to take me. The biggest part is I hate being misunderstood.

ETA: I also don't think I'd be let out of the program.

What are your current meds? and doses?
why do they feel you need IOP?
do you know?
bizi

[Victoria'smom]

What are your current meds? and doses? 25 lamictal titrating and 20 mg abilify
why do they feel you need IOP? Suicidal idealization but I see it as self harming idealization as the intent would not be suicide but visual/sensational appealing to me.

[bizi]

so you are not on a mood stabilizer at a maintanance dose yet. The level of lamictal is usually 200mg.
Are you suicidal?
A lot of younger women self harm, doesn't mean you are suicidal does it?
I don't know.
How long have you been on meds?
Maybe they have not been in your system long enough to help or maybe they are not the right meds for you. It can take a while to find the right mix.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Victoria'smom]

Are you suicidal? Nope
How long have you been on meds? This is day two. She didn't even let me start the medication before suggesting IOP.

[bizi]

Oh I thought you were taking meds before?????
so this is all new to you?
bizi

[Victoria'smom]

I was on meds before but I stopped around July. These are all meds I've been on before.

[bizi]

may I ask why you stopped taking meds in july?
bizi

[Victoria'smom]

I hadn't seen a pdoc in a while and I ran out meds and then I switched centers. Had transportation issues and never made another appointment. I made an appointment after T told me I'm heading towards IP.

[bizi]

4 months is a long time to be with out meds.
bizi

[bioChE]

This whole thread sounds like you're trying to talk yourself out of needing help. Your therapist suggested IOP. You've not even started, yet you're listing reasons for wanting to drop out the day you start if you do.

Regarding a shortened/less intensive version with the same content, the answer is no, there isn't. Or what you're doing now with therapy could be considered it. There's a reason it's called Intensive; because it is intensive. There's a reason it's called partial hospitalization, because it's hospitalization.

If you're thinking and talking about suicide, then your therapist has every right and responsibility to be seriously concerned.

[Victoria'smom]

I don't feel I need the help. I'mean not thinking or talking about suicide. My thoughts of self harming if acted upon fully would cause my death. Now I have no intention of acting on them and they are with me no matter the mood or amount of meds I take. I've learned to live with them and deal with them without self harming. Even if I were to self harming, it's been over a year, it be incredibly superficial as I keep the safety on the razor.

[DelusionsDaily]

The shorter version would be I'm trying meds let's give that a chance first.

I think your reasons are just gonna reinforce to her that you do need it. I would keep it very short and to the point.

I'm guessing she feels she IS compromising with IOP and meds. I'm guessing her getting your thoughts on IOP doesn't include a list of reasons why you feel you can't do it. I think the best way to convince her you don't need IOP is to convince her your safe...which as hard as it's gonna be, probably means NO self harm.

And tell her you'll do anything to avoid hospitalization of any kind including IOP...IF you really mean it. Then follow through.

[Victoria'smom]

The thing is that I rarely sh only when I'm mixed / psychotic have a clear reason why. Sh isn't even on the table at this or any other point since she has seen me. Iop/ php is worse in my opinion because it's longer and gives me more time to worry and the driving back and forth. If my reasons are going to make her think I need iop more I wont bring it. We have to talk about this because I worry that she doesn't realize this is me healthy ish.