[st0psign]

well here's the scoop. we have tg dinner at what was my grandmas house each year. she just passed away at the end of the summer, so this is our first without her here. and my dad's whole side of the family gathers there including my cousin who was also my best friend (until there was a major violation of bros before hoes (just a phrase, not trying to upset any women)). well shortly after that happened I spazzed out on him and told him to blow his brains out next time he's thinking about it... He'll be there and we have yet to speak since I wacked out. and my dad and I aren't exactly on the best terms at the moment right now either. He's been non-stop putting his 2 cents in on how I should forgive, and I called him out on one of his core beliefs (coulda done this a bit nicer I guess) but I get that he didn't take what I said to kindly because he called me an asshole. which is not like him... at all. And I've got a lot of body work to do on my jeep that we were gonna do together on Friday, and idk if that's gonna happen now. I'm tempted to not go today and just go to fix the jeep tomorrow.

plan as of now is to watch my phone, if I get a text or call telling me when dinner is i'll consider going. if I don't receive anything I'll stay home alone.

like I have a great family (well thought I did), and they're all I had when I had nothing else. and now they're going away too, just like everyone else in my life...

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs. That sounds rough.

[Moose72]

Maybe Thanksgiving if a time to reboot

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'm feeling the same thing. I know my dad is going to b^%ch about stuff and I'm not even in the mood. Still in bed in my sweats and comfortable. Do not feel like going at all!! But it wouldn't be thanksgiving without a little drama lol.

You could go and clear the air, eat some good food and be surrounded by the people you care about, or you could take the day to yourself and reboot as someone suggested.

I will be seeing my grandpa today. He is 98....old and frail but surprisingly spry for his age. Still cranky as ever though. He harmed me pretty badly as a kid and I've never recovered. It's hard to see him and be around him because it brings up such conflicting emotions for me. He showed me great kindness but also really harmed me several times in vital ways so it's just hard. I really would prefer not to be around him but he's so old and I feel I owe it to him to show that I do love and care about him. He contributed to my life and the person I am in both good and bad ways.

Sorry for going on about myself but I guess what I'm saying is I get it. I get wanting to go and not wanting to go at the same time. I understand family drama and grudges (((hugs)))

[bizi]

elsa, it sounds like you have forgiven him...at 98 he may not remember the things he did to you.
(((((HUGS)))))
I am sorry he hurt you.
bizi

[st0psign]

2:12 and haven't heard a word yet.

Originally Posted by st0psign

2:12 and haven't heard a word yet.

Does this hurt you?

[st0psign]

I just feel like no one wants me there. the whole family knows about this deal with me and my cousin, they know I'm prone to outbursts. I think everyone is just assuming if I'm there I'll cause problems. and to flat out answer your question. yes. yes I am. and I've been listening to nine inch nails hurt all day. and I didn't sleep AT ALL last night... fml.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry that this time of year is hard for you. (((((hugs)))))

[hopeless2015]

Hugs SS!! Family can be so difficult

[st0psign]

its lookin pretty good that I'm gonna be a (literally) bloody fckin mess tonight.

Originally Posted by st0psign

I just feel like no one wants me there. the whole family knows about this deal with me and my cousin, they know I'm prone to outbursts. I think everyone is just assuming if I'm there I'll cause problems. and to flat out answer your question. yes. yes I am. and I've been listening to nine inch nails hurt all day. and I didn't sleep AT ALL last night... fml.

(((Hugs))). Perhaps they are worried for you and think YOU don't want to be there? Is it possible for you to call and let them know you are hurt by the lack of invitation?

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much StopSign. I once had a run in with my sister in law and the Holiday after was very difficult. I ended up apologizing to her and telling her it's no excuse but I was going through too much to handle at the time. We got through the Holiday and things were okay for awhile. My family and I just really don't get along with my SIL, she's a very difficult person to like no matter how hard you try. It would be sad if she wasn't such a snob. Anyways, I really hope you can mend fences or at least feel more comfortable and included with your family. (((Hugs)))

Please take care, st0psign. I'm thinking of you.

Try not to assume what anyone's thinking, ok? (Easier said than done, I know...) Maybe immerse yourself in marathoning DVDs or something? We're going to be making bacon and eggs and hunkering down with a Fringe marathon. Gotta love Walter.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by st0psign

its lookin pretty good that I'm gonna be a (literally) bloody fckin mess tonight.

Why bloody?? I wish to god I was at home right now. My family is driving me crazy and I feel like I'm going to have a damn panic attack over here. I don't even care about the food anymore.

[st0psign]

bloody because I just opened a new package of razorblades and, now that I know I'm not getting an invite, I'm consuming copious amounts of alcohol.

its gonna be a bloody mess of a night with binge drinking on the side. that's my tg dinner, a razor, a case of beer, and myself.

If I'm lucky I wont wake up in my bed this time....

From reading your first post, it doesn't surprise me that you didn't get an invite with the conflict going on, and surely you can't be too surprised yourself? You were debating spending the holidays alone and got your wish...does it truly matter whether or not they invited you?

Originally Posted by st0psign

bloody because I just opened a new package of razorblades and, now that I know I'm not getting an invite, I'm consuming copious amounts of alcohol.

its gonna be a bloody mess of a night with binge drinking on the side. that's my tg dinner, a razor, a case of beer, and myself.

If I'm lucky I wont wake up in my bed this time....

This doesn't sound safe. I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly. Do you have the option of going IP? Is that something you'd even consider?

[st0psign]

already over .08 and I wont call. when I'm euthymic I try to assess whether I should live or die. I think about it almost (if not) daily, at least once, regardless of mood. and the way this effects me is it causes me to push people who are close to me away. no one can be close to me. you get close, and hurt me and you get the wrath. who wants to be around someone where you're walking on eggshells all the time. and most of the time the people don't ****in deserve it. this illness has driven me to be alone, and will continue to do so until the end of time. I'm tired of living like this. more days are hell than are not. and ive been in ****in treatment damn near my whole ****in life. I saw a therapist for the first time at 6!!! and this is "relief" I'm getting now? if this is what I work for I don't want it. I didn't ask for it. you can have it back... I fold.

Oh (((((((((st0psign)))))))))!
A day doesn't go by that I don't think about it either.
And I would plead with you to not do this. I'd not be so clueless as to think you'd agree with me on that right now, but if you don't want to consider calling for help, can I please ask that you at least call it a night and get some sleep? I realize I can't tell you what to do. But I care, and hope you will consider it, ok?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I agree with innerzone. Try and sleep if off. Chances are no one wanted to risk having you and your cousin fighting in front of the family. Don't take it as a personal jab against you alone. This isn't worth scarring up your body over. ((Hugs))

Hey, st0psign, how are you doing?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Hey, st0psign, how are you doing?

Wondering the same. Hope you're ok!!

[st0psign]

didn't make it out of that evening without some self harm... no one told me when dinner was, and not one person who (my dad's whole side of the family, which I thought was really close) was there thought to wish me a happy thanksgiving. I got one from a guy I've known for about a month, not a thing from my family... still pretty hurt and pissed.

Well, I'm glad you're here. It is hard when we are so angry and upset. I messed up one of my hands a few days ago -- not SH, but result of a meltdown of terror, anger and frustration (counter's quite sturdy, turns out), so it is quite fresh in mind how much in-the-moment I can't process outside thoughts.

I'm sorry about the SH. And that you didn't hear from any of them. Now that it is a few days later -- even though you are still pretty hurt and pissed about it -- do you think you could contact on a more neutral thing? Like getting together to work on the jeep(?)

It seems like a situation where a lot of assumptions could have been made all around, and maybe that's a way to ease in and talk a bit? Or not. Sometimes I need to do some "normalizing" activity before being able to talk about something. Just a thought.

Sending good thoughts your way.