[raspberrytorte]

What happened during your first psychotic break?

Mine happened approximately two years ago. It lasted a week before I ended up inpatient.

I believed I was walking around in a dream. I thought that I needed to conjure up positive energy while I was dreaming so that when I woke up it would be released out into the world and I'd save the world pretty much. I was seeing things spelled backwards, seeing people walking in reverse (like they were being rewound). I was making collage after collage to create the positive energy and my walls were covered in collages. Some of the people in the collages talked to me and I talked back. Some of the faces in the collages would contort and their eyes freaked me out so one night I tore off some faces.

I was also having horrible racing thoughts and not sleeping because my thoughts kept me up all night and it was torturous. I thought there was a negative entity resting on my back. I could physically feel it.

I have no idea what was real or wasn't real when I think back to this time period.

Like there was one incident where my friend drove up during my smoke break at work and I was talking to her, but upon reflection I have no idea why she would have been there, so I wonder if she was really there or not.

Eventually I took some clonazepam and alprazolam because I wanted to "wake" myself up.

It was pretty horrible.

[CarriB]

I was 20 and my high school sweetheart was killed. I'm not sure how I survived that time. It was a dream yet a nightmare at the same time. It wasn't real life. I couldn't tell reality from not. I took two months off work after I spent a solid week in bed. I lost 10lb off my already thin frame in that week. I still couldn't tell you what was real or not. It was a good year before I started feeling my new normal. I haven't been the same since.

[still_crazy]

i was 23. I was trying to finish a degree at the school id started, age 17, then left, age 19. I wasn't wanted there, but I was so far gone (psychotic depression) that I didn't "get it."

i lost a lot of weight. I looked like an emaciated, androgynous 17 year old at 23. I started having this delusions, I guess, with plot lines. I thought I was in a reality tv show, that the neighbors had cameras in my apartment. I thought at one point that I was in a Tennessee Williams play.

To top it off, I was out one night, in a rough-ish part of town, and I got beat up. 1 dude bashed me on the head with a pipe he was carrying, and the other dude punched me in the eyes. A car came and they ran off.

About 24 hours later, the cops picked me up off a bridge. I was sedated and put in a hospital. I woke up in a hospital gown, screaming. I'd apparently had shock treatment.

[st0psign]

mine was either 2 or 3 years ago around this time (don't remember which, things haven't been good since). but I was in my worst manic mixed state to date and was on the verge of suicide (had a few attempts). I thought I was dead for 3 months and that's why I couldn't kill myself. because I thought I was dead it lead to some odd behaviors for me, I hardly ate (I'd go for a couple of days before I ate anything and when I did eat it was something like a pack of raman noodle) the worst of these behaviors was probably walking across a 4 lane busy street in the city where cars go 35+ when the crossing signs weren't on, I'd just walk right out into traffic because I thought I was dead and couldn't die. finally went for help after I self harmed for the first time. I woke up in the morning and I was terrified of myself to the point I was shaking.

[xRavenx]

My first one I thought I was being followed and that I was dying of a disease. I thought someone was punishing me, which is why I was dying (when in reality everything was fine with my health). My skin was crawling, and I remember seeing my face distorted in the mirror. I began screaming and crying for help.

There were different plots and pieces to the puzzle, but my mind was racing so fast. I no longer remember all the plots, but it was very scary. I thought I had the answers to everything, but everyone kept trying to convince me I did not. It took a long time to come out of it. I was hearing things (voices and sounds that others said they could not hear when I asked them) and the sounds were much, much louder than normal. My anxiety was out of control. I remember seeing different doctors, therapists, the school not allowing me to come back until I had "psychiatric clearance."

Sometimes I have grandiose delusions. Other times, they are paranoid delusions (probably more often).

My most recent one involved feeling that I was being investigated by the FBI and that people at work were behind a plot to ruin my career and reputation. Luckily, I took a break from working for a while, and meds helped bring me out of that. These types of experiences definitely changed me a lot though.

[Moose72]

I thought everybody at the grocery store were aliens and they could read my mind. I thought too that I was a big eyed alien- I saw myself like this in the bathroom mirror.

I also though a van on the street driving around was after me. They kept following me everywhere. I mean EVERYwhere I went!

[duckrabbit]

I thought Anne Sexton (who was sitting on a cloud watching over me) was sending me rabbits to let me know I was doing good in the world--mainly that what I was writing was of great importance. All of the evidence pointed towards something real going on. I saw way too many rabbits for living in the middle of a big city, but I don't know if all of them were real. The ones that jumped across the road with a lightning strike behind them probably were not. And her poem "Passion of the Mad Rabbit", which I first came across after she already began talking to me had uncanny details. But then I started to get mixed and I saw spiders everywhere, I could feel them when I was trying to sleep. And other scary things. Once things started calming down I actually found a dying bunny in front of my apartment. It died very quickly, in a box with towels I got from my apartment. (I got the number to call for someone professional to come help it, but it died so quickly there was nothing that could be done). It felt really important, like the death of that (generally) great period of time. So my friend and I decided to bury the bunny. We carried it in a bag along the riverwalk (stopped and shared a bottle of "Bunny Hill" wine lol) and buried it in a park overlooking the Mississippi River.

I don't like to think about it too much but... the last episode, and my first full blown psychotic break involved me thinking that the CIA or NSA or something was trying to recruit me to fight terrorism...I thought my husband was cheating on me...I would wander around my neighborhood following what I though was God's voice, and all these memories, bad ones, from my childhood came back. I though I could gain strength from electrical outlets (?) so I kept touching them...of course I thought my phone was tracking me so I purposely left it somewhere. I thought I was psychic, and I still think that my psychic abilities were heightened at that point but it didn't do me any good.
There was soooo much more to it than that but you get my gist. All of this was accompanied by racing thoughts, inability to concentrate, lack of sleep. I never thought I was bipolar before because I never had that true mania, but there you go.
Honestly it was like one long bad acid trip that wouldn't end, and I've done everything in my power to make it so it won't happen again because it was AWFUL. And the crippling depression afterwards was just as bad, just in a different way. I haven't been quite the same since, but at least I'm off the merry go round of undiagnosed bipolar.

[Icare dixit]

Suspicion/fear and grandiosity and/or a mystical experience. Such awareness that it's possible to rewind/repeat what you've seen in your mind. Interesting that that happens (to others as well).

I try to forget the details if I even remember them (I very well remember them for maybe a month and some things I have seen I can still remember after many years in great detail, like a traumatic experience, in a way). If incongruent psychosis happens during mania I don't remember much of it and it's less noticeable, it's more difficult to discern the break, for me, but generally more so for others than "pure" mania). I don't think the details are important. The experience is worthwhile but not because of exactly what you think (why and emotions and dynamics are important, not the nonsensical ideas and reasoning).

I (also) really don't like to think about it.

[HALLIEBETH87]

It happened February of this year.

I was seeing spiders and I thought Satan was attacking me and I was possessed and need an exorcism. I even knew a place to go to for it. I'd been manic and texting crazy things to my therapist. I felt like I was in a dream and things weren't real. Idk what causes that feeling. I've been told by an ip social worker I probably dissociate some and have probably been doing it since I was a child (abuse.)
Spent over a month ip. Felt like forever. I don't remember much from my first week.

I've been having hallucinations off and on since then, but not that bad. (Thanks haldol!)

[Icare dixit]

It's definitely interesting how it can feel like a dream state. Also why some have more magical than others (or the same person at different times and negative or positive psychosis, so to speak; God or the devil).

[franz kafka]

I've had here and there psychotic symptoms for more than a decade now, but my first real psychotic break happened last winter.

It started out as a euphoric mania. The world felt mystical and special and I started to get more and more into religion (I'm not normally religious). Then I started to think God was sending me message and asking me to do things, like fasting. I obeyed of course. Then angels in general and the angel Gabriel in particular started to communicate with me too. The angels were cruel and would sometimes swoop over and around me; I remember seeing their shadows. They would send me false messages pretending to be God. For example, they told me I was pregnant with the next coming of Christ, but I later got conflicting messages and I realized they were lying to me. Gabriel would, at times, protect me from them: when the angels were menacing me once, he possessed the body of my cat and ran over to me to scare them off.

When I was getting admitted to hospital, I remember everything was shining and I was getting lots of positive messages, so I was convinced I was in the right place surrounded by "God's people." I kept getting messages from God the entire time I was in hospital and even afterwards (they only kept me for a week!). I remember a week after hospital hearing the angels whispering in my room when I was trying to sleep.

[Shazerac]

Wow! What an experience. You were lucky that you thought you were surrounded by God's people in the hospital.

[franz kafka]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Wow! What an experience. You were lucky that you thought you were surrounded by God's people in the hospital.

It was pretty bizarre, but made sense at the time. I wasn't quite so cooperative when it was bedtime, unfortunately, because I believed that I wasn't allowed to sleep. They had to load me up on medications the first night to get me anywhere near bed.

[Ocean Swimmer]

My first was at 19
I had been awake for four days and nights.
I got a Bible and started babbling pretty much incoherently. My boyfriend brought me to my parents and they brought me to a hospital. It was really expensive but my stepdads insurance paid.
They put me in a while padded cell with a tiny window. 2 goon nurses came in and told me if I didn't calm down they'd put me in a straight jacket and I submitted to a shot.
I woke up a few days later and couldn't move my legs.
My first weekend pass I had a panic attack in a friends van and had to go back to hospital.
I wasn't on any meds after that shot except codine. ( believe that) my Pdoc saw me for a full hour every night. I would take all of my clothes off.
I refused to see my boyfriend. He came every night. But I was in love with another man and would phone him and speak for hours everyday on the phone.
I wouldn't eat. ( a strange pattern with all my ips. ) I went down to 107 lbs. I'm almost 5'10 so that was way too thin. )
I was in for a month. Then went to Grandparents. I'd listen to the same music over and over.
Before the psychotic Episode, my best friend killed herself. My stepmom died. ( supposedly my father pushed her down the stairs) and another traumatic event.
I think my brain couldn't handle anymore.

[cashart10]

I was 15. My mom still describes to me delusions that I either can't remember or can't believe I had. I thought that animals lives were more important than humans and that they should be worshiped. I had a panthiestic world view that was epitomized in me talking to trees, drowning myself in the lives of those trees (I was consumed by nature) and believing that I should worship them.

Possible trigger:

I would write in my own blood, cut things into my skin as part of offerings, pray to demons, burn my nipples.

I would often see myself from outside of my body. It was completely bizarre and lasted for quite a time (I don't remember exactly and it was probably longer than let on).

[Nammu]

My first happen so long ago it's blurry. I was in high school walking down the hall when suddenly my hair and nails were dead things I needed to get rid of and all the other kids didn't realize that they were walking around with dead things on their heads. Fortunately it was brief and I was able to hide it. My next one I was 27-28 it was mystical and beautiful. It might have been brought on by my not eating and becoming underweight because my anxiety was so high. Anyway I could see what the area looked like before humans came and destroyed the land. Like if I was on 3rd floor I could see though the floor to see animals grass and trees under me. I could manipulate time and see into the past, future and space, watching stars being born and going nova.

I was in high school, about 15 years old. I wasn't manic or depressed, which is why they think my dx should be schizoaffective. My English teacher couldn't follow my train of thought on my essays and started getting D's and F's as a result when usually I got A's and B's on them; I remember her writing "what????" all over my papers. I was hallucinating people playing violins, having command hallucinations as well as seeing insects all over the places and having severe paranoia. I hid under my bed for days at a time and stopped eating at a time as a result of the paranoia. I didn't even get out to go to the bathroom, and I got very gross. I believed two people were following me around and were abusing me daily. I was eventually hospitalized.

[Icare dixit]

And maybe a break is relative: before taking antipsychotics I've always thought that people could read my mind and I'm at the centre of everything and I can control everything and people just don't understand. Psychotic breaks just make those beliefs stronger and the danger more imminent and explicit/rationalised/situation-bound and make me express my fears (even if it's just trembling, not making sense and not wanting to eat or express myself).

I know schizoaffective disorder is the right diagnosis and not just BP. It was just another blow.

That's why I'm very much ashamed of psychotic breaks. If you just belief things without others knowing it, it's fine. But if you're so afraid and/or it's so important it shows or you express it, you're seen as crazy and you discover you've been crazy all along.

I once filled in a psychiological evaluation form when I was about 12 and asked whether I'd given "wrong" answers as a joke. That was a memorable step in a gradual process of realisation and discovery that I believe things others don't and to what extend. I didn't make much sense anyway. Even if I don't seem to make much sense now when talking about abstract ideas and mystical beliefs, it has dramatically improved. It's like learning a another language.

But chronic delusions are less bizarre. That's because the language I needed to learn is very abstract and psychosis is forced, rapid expression/rationalisation of abstract beliefs/emotions. I've had more practice. That's why it's less of a break in some ways but it's more likely to happen, there being less of a threshold, with generally less disorganisation, less destructive force, even though all my beliefs and assumptions are seen as disorganised. That's the paradox of early disorganisation or destruction/reduction. Brain reduction and conceptual reduction, abstract/associative thinking. It's probably why

But it's more lack of fear than fear, not just disorganised schizophrenia, but also BP.

In other words: chronic psychoticism/psychosis makes you rationally more flexible. Or (in other words) a break is less destructive, leading to a (bizarre) dream state, all jumbled, disorganised, ironically.

Mine is a really long story and it was trauma related too so it's very triggering for me. But I'll share it with you sometime raspberry when or if things settle down with my son.

The first one I "think" I had was at 15. The worst and longest one started 4 years ago and just fully went away less than a year ago. I had another one earlier this year that is still lingering or has some active symptoms but I'm doing pretty good I think.

I'm not always in a mood episode when I get delusional I don't think. Mood episodes make it worse though and more overtly psychotic I believe.

[Wander]

Just had my first one, age 40. I became very obsessional, delusional and had times when reality slipped away completely. It was terrifying but at times i had the most amazing 'spiritual' experiences where I felt almost enlightened and was at once aware of the smallest particles in the atoms out to the grandness of the multiverse. I thought I could send messages and vibes mentally to others through this connection with the universe however those I send messages to didn't receive them. I was unperturbed at the time and thought I just needed to perfect my technique. My obsessions varied from coffee (I suddenly NEEDED to drink over 20 cups a day and it had to be a certain type) to revenge. I was also intensely suicidal at times but my ideas around it was very grandiose beyond what I have ever experienced before. This is all I remember for now. A lot is a blur and I have had to rely on others for information. The whole world seemed very strange.

I guess I'm gonna go ahead and share it.

It started out with me in a hypo mania. I was abused in this organization between the ages of 19-30. I won't name it bc it has a really good reputation. Anyway I finally got a computer, I had been offline for like 7 years. I was 36 yrs old it was 2011. There were blogs exposing the abuses occurring in this organization. I got on thinking I would help others. Turns out my story of abuse was the worst of the ppl posting. Not the worst of the worst tho.

Before I knew it I was on there all the time. Barely eating and sleeping. I had a flood f memories come back that had happened to me in the organization. I turned full blown manic and couldn't stop posting on the site. That lasted like 2 weeks. Then I didn't eat or sleep for about 5 days and started believing every business had ppl from that organization drugging and raping ppl. I could feel my mind slipping. I went to my sisters work and told her I couldn't be home bc I would get back on the computer. She didn't understand. I ended up in the hospital and was in for 2 weeks. It took forever to get me to sleep. I came out but was still very manic so went back in for another week.

There's more details but that's the jist...

[Victoria'smom]

First time- I plotted to kill my neighbor to see if people had souls. If anyone did it was her. Luckily my cousin was able to reason with me before my neighbor got hurt.

Other times- I thought my DH and parents were plotting together to steal my child from me. It ruined our trip across country. Spent the whole trip worried and crying and no one knew why. We cut the trip short by a week because I was a wreak. Still didn't get on a full time AP until months later.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by rose1985

I guess I'm gonna go ahead and share it.

It started out with me in a hypo mania. I was abused in this organization between the ages of 19-30. I won't name it bc it has a really good reputation. Anyway I finally got a computer, I had been offline for like 7 years. I was 36 yrs old it was 2011. There were blogs exposing the abuses occurring in this organization. I got on thinking I would help others. Turns out my story of abuse was the worst of the ppl posting. Not the worst of the worst tho.

Before I knew it I was on there all the time. Barely eating and sleeping. I had a flood f memories come back that had happened to me in the organization. I turned full blown manic and couldn't stop posting on the site. That lasted like 2 weeks. Then I didn't eat or sleep for about 5 days and started believing every business had ppl from that organization drugging and raping ppl. I could feel my mind slipping. I went to my sisters work and told her I couldn't be home bc I would get back on the computer. She didn't understand. I ended up in the hospital and was in for 2 weeks. It took forever to get me to sleep. I came out but was still very manic so went back in for another week.

There's more details but that's the jist...

Thanks for sharing, rose. Hugs.

I understand how difficult psychotic breaks can be to talk about. I have trouble talking about my last one.