[Wander]

Recently I did a recovering from an episode post but what I am finding most difficult is the fact that I literally lost my mind. This was my first (and only, hopefully) psychotic break. In the last week, since I have been stable, family and my treatment team have been explaining to me how unwell I was. It has really floored me. Memories of my time unwell are also starting to trickle through. I feel so fragile mentally and emotionally but well none-the-less. It is like I have been hit by a massive truck or train. The experience has changed me at the core.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings of shock, overwhelm, fragility and grief after a psychotic break? What is the best way to recover?

[bizi]

I was not self aware enough.
I know that every thing seemed new like starting over.
sorry that you went thru all of that.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Moose72]

Even when I think I can fly I still have a memory of that time. Having my memory gone is something I have yet to experience.

[JustJace2u]

I wasn't psychotic but I was feeling very suicidal for a long period of time, which eventually landed me in the hospital about 2 weeks ago. Although I am doing better than I was, I am still struggling with severe depression and anxiety. One thing I've tried to work on is using deep breathing techniques which do help calm me down.

[junkDNA]

yes, when i look back on my psychotic years it feels traumatic. i was a total mess. my first posts on this forum were from that time. ive looked back at them and dont even recognize myself. of course at the time i thought it was all normal and fine and dandy. i wasnt aware of how deep i had gone until my therapist called the police on me and i was forced into a hospital.

[raspberrytorte]

I don't know. I never recovered from my first one. It changed me. I'm not the same person I was before I had it.

[franz kafka]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I don't know. I never recovered from my first one. It changed me. I'm not the same person I was before I had it.

^^This

I feel like my psychotic break made me a different person. I still suffer quite frequently with breakthrough psychotic symptoms. I hope your recovery is much smoother.

[still_crazy]

my psychotic break ("mania") was treated with involuntary shock. I don't remember the shock--I was sedated, and they did it the very night I was put into the hospital--but the break and the shock combined changed me in ways I may never fully appreciate.

On the plus side, I have my abilities back and my new personality is actually better, as best I can tell, than the old one. I probably won't ever remember most of my life before the shock.

So, I can relate to what you're experiencing, to a point. I'm glad you're receiving high quality, compassionate care.

I don't think you do fully recover. You now know your mind can do things you never thought possible. And you don't even know it's happening. How do you fully recover once you fully accept that? But it does get easier in time. Some of mine have even been funny despite it not being funny at all. Like when I was hospitalized and I thought my brother and his wife and my old boss had conspired to have me locked up and I asked a resident "please, be honest with me and tell me what's really going on here" and she proceeded to strip down naked in the garden area and told me we were all in a reality TV show and were on TV. I guess she was stripping for the cameras? Anyways, I believed her and ran to complain to the nursing staff because I never with cognitive mind signed a waiver authorizing them to put me on TV! I was so upset. Now I can laugh at that but it sure wasn't funny while it was happening.

Now I try to live a life surrounded by people I love and trust. They can let me know when I'm not myself and help me help myself. I do what I can to stay well and keep it from happening again. I let myself ENJOY life when stable because it's the good times which help us get through the bad.

In my case I also learn something about my psyche when I get delusional and try to gain knowledge in any areas I can....through all experience good and bad. Sometimes the best lesson I learn is that sometimes I not only need to accept help, I need to reach out and make sure I get it sometimes.

I'm so sorry for all you went through. Psychosis is no joke at all and changes you....but life does the same thing and you just got to keep reaching for the stars. (((Hugs))))

[CarriB]

I had one at 20 when my high school sweetheart was killed. I was out of my mind for a year but those first two months were spent just going through the motions in some alternative reality. I don't remember a lot but I'm surprised it didn't kill me.

I also went pretty nuts after I had my son but the lack of support from my doctor was astounding. I told them they would see me on the news after they told me I had to wait six weeks to see the doctor. How I didn't end up hospitalized is beyond me. Maybe I broke then, too. PPD is like nothing I've ever experienced. Never again. My husband got the snip when I was eight weeks PP.

[Shazerac]

I've been lucky enough to have never had a psychotic break. It sounds terrifying. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I go through times where I don't trust my brain and it scares me and I only have hypo and mixed states. I hope you have a good support system and people you trust that love you and care about you.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

I've been lucky enough to have never had a psychotic break. It sounds terrifying. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I go through times where I don't trust my brain and it scares me and I only have hypo and mixed states. I hope you have a good support system and people you trust that love you and care about you.

For your sake I really hope you never have a psychotic break but yours is how my world seemed before the break, 'just'(and I don't say that lightly as it is hell) hypomanic (for me once manic) and mixed. This is why I am so shocked as I never expected a true psychotic break to happen to me (don't know why I thought I was special). My whole world collapsed. I don't think anything will ever be the same. WTF is reality anyway?

[HALLIEBETH87]

My first one was this year actually. It was mania induc d but mild at that. Still, the delusions and hallucinations scared me. I don't remember much of that week in the hospital. I know I was on Thorazine after the mania wore down I was suicidal and depressed. My dr changed up almost all my meds too. Since March I have been stable but had more hallucinations every once in a while.

I think it takes time to accept what's happened and move forward. I wish the best for you in healing.

[Moose72]

After my 15 yo was born I wanted to drive into oncoming traffic and [trigger]saw myself clearly breaking my daughter's skull with my hands in the shower.[\trigger] Is that a psychotic break? My Pdoc at the time wasn't worried. (Also not diagnosed yet)

[bioChE]

That's not a psychotic break. Per Wikipedia:

A psychotic break occurs when a person experiences an episode of acute primary psychosis, generally for the first time,[1] though it may also be after a significant symptom-free period.

Psychosis is an abnormal condition of the mind that involves a "loss of contact with reality". People experiencing psychosis may exhibit personality changes and thought disorder. Depending on its severity, this may be accompanied by unusual or bizarre behavior, as well as difficulty with social interaction and impairment in carrying out daily life activities.

Originally Posted by Wander

For your sake I really hope you never have a psychotic break but yours is how my world seemed before the break, 'just'(and I don't say that lightly as it is hell) hypomanic (for me once manic) and mixed. This is why I am so shocked as I never expected a true psychotic break to happen to me (don't know why I thought I was special). My whole world collapsed. I don't think anything will ever be the same. WTF is reality anyway?

I relate to this....especially the WTF is reality anyways? (((Hugs))). It's all very hard and confusing so go really easy on yourself. It doesn't seem like it now, but it will get easier to accept in time. And then sometimes it will be impossible to accept for awhile....and then you will accept it again. It's bound to be a bit of a rollercoaster ride of emotions so go easy. (((Hugs)))

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Wander

For your sake I really hope you never have a psychotic break but yours is how my world seemed before the break, 'just'(and I don't say that lightly as it is hell) hypomanic (for me once manic) and mixed. This is why I am so shocked as I never expected a true psychotic break to happen to me (don't know why I thought I was special). My whole world collapsed. I don't think anything will ever be the same. WTF is reality anyway?

Oh dear, now I'm scared.

[newtothis31]

I had a psychotic break in August 2013, and I went through many of the same feelings that you did. It resulted in a four week inpatient stay, and eight weeks of outpatient therapy. First and foremost on my mind- was how can I be a parent when I'm do disconnected with reality? The second issue that I had to deal with was my marriage. It was very painful to face up to the fact that I lost touch with reality and almost died as the result of my actions.

The outpatient treatment that I did was invaluable. It gave me the strength to recognize that if I stayed in my marriage, my mental health would remain fragile and I would be constantly at-risk. I did outpatient counseling sessions, mostly in group, from 9-3PM M-F.

The biggest thing is that you have to recognize what caused your psychotic break. For me, it was a combination of work, the stress of being the sole caretaker for my daughter, and the realization that my ex-husband was cheating on me. Although I continued to make poor decisions about relationships after my diagnosis, I at least had the self-awareness to recognize situations where my mental health was being put at risk. I also changed into a less-stressful job, and learned better skills to cope with the daily stress of parenting.

Another change that I had to make was to make an effort to go to bed at the same time everyday and wake up at the same time everyday. It really sucks to go to bed at 9PM on a weekend, but I know that this puts me in a position where I can put my best foot forward.

Another aspect that was tough for me to figure out was what was normal behavior and what's not. It is still a struggle. I've learned to recognize the early signs of when I am at risk, and I have a great partnership with my p-doc to ensure that I'm getting the best treatment available for my symptoms.

The biggest challenge is that you have to face what happened, but you also have to find a way to move past it. Forgiving yourself is hard. But if you look to seeing this as an opportunity to build a better future- then it is worth it. Take baby steps slowly and recognize that you won't always be going forward- I took a few steps back during my first year of recovery because I made the wrong decisions on who to trust.

I can tell you that I am much happier, much easier to be around than I was prior to my diagnosis. My daughter and I have a great relationship, and I have full time custody of her and she is thriving. My friends enjoy being around me more, and I'm not as manipulative as I was prior to my diagnosis. It took me over three years to get to this point. And I will still face these challenges where I'm battling for my mental health for the rest of my life.

Another interesting thing to note- I am not on the same medication as I was when I was diagnosed. It is really important to be open to changes in medication when you are having challenges managing your illness. When I was diagnosed, I was on zyprexa, depakote, and klonopin. Today it's just Latuda.

I hope this helps you- it does get easier.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Oh dear, now I'm scared.

I'm sorry, I didn't intend to scare you just make a point. Pretty sure stats are on your side and you most likely will never have a break.

[cashart10]

I have had 2 breaks in my lifetime. The last one was 4 - 4 1/2 years ago and it lasted greater than half a year. It was far more severe than the first. It honestly took me a few years to recover. It still causes me turmoil as I struggle with the fact that I completely lost my mind and I am terrified and extremely cautious of a re-occurrence. My therapist was quick to tell me she thought it caused PTSD (which is still up for debate). I am a christian but it took me years to utter one prayer or touch my Bible because I was so afraid of becoming hyper-religious. I am so embarrassed by my actions and beliefs and know that some of my behaviors were extremely dangerous for me and sometimes even my kids. It was truly awful and, despite the fact that I was so high I literally believed that God was allowing me to experience Heaven on earth, I NEVER wish to experience it again. I hope the transition back to sanity is and has been much smoother for you than it was for me. All my love!

[bizi]

psychotic breaks are so hard to deal with...I have only had one when I was first put on a birth control shot. It triggered me and I slowly became psychotic and was arrested taken to the psych unit for hospitalization which is trauma in and of itself.
I was only there 5 days and they had originally let me out after 3 but had to go back in. My sisters took me back in, it was hard on them.
Please be kind to yourself.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Icare dixit]

Accept that you can't be certain about anything, can't assume anything and accept it will take quite some time to recover.

Many with disorganised SZ (-affective disorder; strange beliefs and experiences, gradually getting worse, starting very early; not assuming you have that but when things start early you adapt more easily) become (amateur) scientists because science assumes nothing's certain, every "truth" is just a theory.

Your perception is (at least) not all directly based on external influences, most of it is just you making sense of things, extrapolating things, if you like. Your thoughts aren't as autonomous as you might like.

For me I haven't been the same since my psychotic break in 2011. I don't know how much of that is the meds tho. I am better since I've become stable on meds, however I'm not nearly as passionate about certain things like I used to be. I also used to be able to read like 4-5 books at the same time. Since the break, I've read about 10. Once again I don't know how much is the meds. Before the psychosis I was only on an AD and a med for sleep.

I don't feel like I've fully recovered. But I am stable. So that's the best I think it will get. No more hypos, but also no more deep dark depressions. It's worth it for me.

I hope you are able to recover. Be gentle with yourself.

[MusicLover82]

I had a psychotic break (bad manic episdode) that I was hospitalized for. I recovered. My memories of it are blurry and distant now. My advice is to be gentle with yourself. Don't blame yourself for it. Take it as a learning experience of how to care for yourself better in the future (if you think there are some things you could have done differently, such as sleep habits, exercise, seeing your pdoc sooner, alerting family members to look for warning signs, etc.). You'll be okay! I recommend Louise Hay's affirmations and positive self-talk. I have a hunch that it might help you, because it helped me when I was recovering. ((HUGS)) Happy Holidays!

[MusicLover82]

Originally Posted by MusicLover82

I had a psychotic break (bad manic episdode) that I was hospitalized for. I recovered. My memories of it are blurry and distant now. My advice is to be gentle with yourself. Don't blame yourself for it. Take it as a learning experience of how to care for yourself better in the future (if you think there are some things you could have done differently, such as sleep habits, exercise, seeing your pdoc sooner, alerting family members to look for warning signs, etc.). You'll be okay! I recommend Louise Hay's affirmations and positive self-talk. I have a hunch that it might help you, because it helped me when I was recovering. ((HUGS)) Happy Holidays!

I should mention mine was because of being on a high dose of steroids, so mine might have been different from yours. But nevertheless, I believe you can and will bounce back to a happier, more stable state of mind.