[wildflowerchild25]

Not a moment too soon. She's fitting me in tonight at 7:30 thank god because I am so ****ing agitated I think I'm going to snap. I feel like ripping all my skin off. Self harm thoughts are high. I'm listening to inspiring music to take my mind off of it. I have one hour of work left and then I dunno what to do because I shouldn't go home and sit around alone. I guess I'll go to the store. Forgot to go grocery shopping yesterday.

Just breathe I will be ok I have to be but **** this I hate meds and med changes ****ing ********.

Glad to hear you'll be getting some medical attention soon. Hold on tight! I know you're under a lot of pressure.

[bioChE]

Good luck with your appointment. Just hold off on the SH at least until then.

[liveforsummer]

Stay safe (grocery shopping sounds like a good distraction) and good luck with your appointment!

Hi, sorry you're getting SH thoughts.

When some people get those urges, they draw "cuts" on themselves with marker instead of actual cutting. It seems to work very well for some and I've seen it lots of times. You could give it a try if you can't hold back your SH urges. It could help you in the interim IMO.

Edit: I am not condoning cutting. Just giving a way of coping in case you feel you can't stop.

And iirc, you have beautiful tattoos on your arms, right? Keep those beautiful

[*Laurie*]

Oh, good...I'm glad you have the appointment today. Keep us posted!

[raspberrytorte]

I'm so happy your nurse called you back! Hopefully you'll be feeling better soon.

[hopeless2015]

Glad you got in today! Hugs

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm still in control of my thoughts at this point so I am not in danger. She never called to confirm I can come in tonight but I'm just going to show up anyway. She leaves at 8. I'm afraid the doors will be locked because the IOP program usually ends early on mondays but hopefully she will tell the security guy that I'm coming. She's so flighty I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't. But that's just anxiety on my part.

I'm trying to get my **** together enough to complete these two assignments. I haven't done any work in the past week. I have two more weeks left in this course and even though I think I'm dropping the program I'd like to complete it. Two more major assignments and a final exam, plus three minor assignments. I hope I can pull together some ******** and pass.

[~Christina]

Head there early.

Im glad your hanging in there. You have come way too far to lose it.. You got this

[wildflowerchild25]

I did the assignments and got full marks. I don't know how I'm going to pull out the major assignment. I have to research a teaching method and then make a lesson plan that includes all learners. Technically I was supposed to teach this lesson plan but that's not happening. I'm going to use a lesson from the school year and my reflections from that.

I have two hours until I have to leave for my appt. it's just me and my son and I'm freaking out inside but appearing calm on the outside because I don't want to upset my son. He's driving me nuts with his portable fan. I want to grab it and break it but I would never do that.

Can't get the self harm thoughts to go away so I'm going to do what my therapist says and just accept them for what they are. Remind myself the thoughts themselves are unpleasant but can't hurt me.

Basically I'm going to curl up in the fetal position on the couch and not move and concentrate on breathing. I wish I had a weighted blanket. Or someone to cuddle me.

I have half a klonopin left. If I can get up I'll go take that but I really feel so overwhelmed right now I can't get up. I'm so hungry but the thought of food disgusts me. I had another protein shake to hopefully satiate my stomach. I'm basically on a liquid diet. I eat maybe once a day. I've never had this symptom before. Only once waaaaaay back when I was 19. I was on an ensure diet in IP.

I'm just spitballing here to take my mind off things. Don't mind me.

[Victoria'smom]

I hope pnurse can help you.

[wildflowerchild25]

I took the half klonopin and I feel better. Still irritable but I'm not panicking. I think I can have a rational conversation with my nurse. I was envisioning me ending up in handcuffs for refusing IP but I think I'm calm enough now that she won't recommend it.

I'm starting to get the images now. That's when things really go south for me. But they're not real. I just have to remind myself that I'm in control.

[raspberrytorte]

How did your appointment go?

[franz kafka]

I agree, head there early if you can. Stay busy to keep the thoughts away too.

[wildflowerchild25]

I drove like a ****ing maniac. I should have had my mom drive me. But I didn't kill myself or anyone else. I feel hopeful that vraylar will work. It's for acute mania and mixed episodes.i took it tonight. She also gave me trazadone for sleep but I can't pick it up till tomorrow. I got Benadryl at the pharmacy to help me sleep tonight.

I'm nervous about having the trazadone around because of the images but if I really feel unsafe I'll give it to my mom. Definitely gonna stay out of the hospital this time, no question.

Vraylar is supposed to work quickly according to my nurse so hopefully by the time I go back on Thursday I will have calmed down. I see my therapist tomorrow so that's good.

[raspberrytorte]

I hope it works out for you, wildflower! I'm happy your appointment went well. Hopefully now you'll be feeling a lot better.

[*Laurie*]

I have my fingers crossed for you, wildflowerchild

[wildflowerchild25]

Nope can't sleep. Oh well. I'll get the trazadone tomorrow and hopefully will get some sleep tomorrow.

[Sunflower123]

I'm glad you got the help you need and you aren't going IP. I hope your new med combo gets you back on track and feeling better soon. Sending big hugs.

[wildflowerchild25]

I think I'm feeling better today. I still feel on edge and a little like crying but I'm much less agitated. Like it's being tamped down. I definitely don't feel "right" but I'm glad I'm calmer. I'm still irritable - the students are getting on my nerves a little bit. But I don't feel like I'm going to snap, so that's good.

I was up at 4:25 after getting to sleep after midnight. I fell back asleep around 6:10 until I had to get up at 7:15. So about five hours. Not great but not horrible. I'm hoping to get my trazadone today but I keep getting messages from the pharmacy saying they need to get more information. Insurance is refusing to pay but it's only $20 out of pocket so if it's ready I'll probably just pay for it. I need to sleep, I'm exhausted.

I still can't eat but again, hopefully I'm on the mend and I'll be able to eat again soon. I'm tentatively hopeful.

[bioChE]

What's the problem with Trazodone? You mentioned images. I took it for a bit for sleep but kept waking up at 4:30 AM after having wild dreams. I had to stop it.

[Unrigged64072835]

Hope you feel better soon and get some sleep.

Trazadone didn't work for me. Neither did Ambien. I'm on Lunesta now and it seems to help.

[wildflowerchild25]

Trazadone has worked for me in the past. I just haven't been able to pick it up yet. I don't remember if I got crazy dreams or not. My dreams are always pretty crazy.

[Guiness187055]

Trazadone made my heart race something fierce.