(May be triggering)It's getting too hard to fight on...

(Triggering) hi all. I don't know if this may be triggering for people but it may be, so I played it safe in case.
I have bipolar 1 and have been wrestling with a nasty depressive episode for many months. ECT brought it under control a few months ago and now we are doing maintenance treatments. However things have turned ugly lately. In a nutshell: My desire to fight on is so low. My suicidal thoughts have gone from passive "things" spontaneously entering my mind to *****, I might just have to do it. I have just wanted to quit. I just want the struggles and pain to be over and I am having a hard time rationalizing away these thoughts.
There are not a lot of options for me medicinally. I have a terrible tolerance for most meds, and I've been on so, so many. Now I have lithium, clonazepam, seraquel, buspirone; and hydroxyzine for sleep. And there isn't much room for change. So I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here- I guess o needed to get it out, get out these awful feelings. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and we will discuss perhaps increasing the ECT treatment for a little while, I don't know.
There is a vein of futility, a different sort of hopelessness that seeems to be underlying everything. It is giving my depression a dimension that I don't recognize and that scares me. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt the people close to me by dying, but how long can a person take it? (Triggering)

I feel ya harmony. I recently lost insurance and ran out of meds and my mood swings and depression have come back. That thing you said about a vein of futility, a different sort of hopelessness that seeems to be underlying everything. I feel that too. The fight is very hard and it sounds like you have been very strong for a very long time. Does the idea of increasing treatment give you any sense of hope?

The idea of hurting those around you is difficult, I'm not sure what else to say except that i hope your suffering ends with treatment.

I thank you for your empathy and support. I currently attend NAMI groups and see a therapist weekly (though I just began working with her) and my psychiatrist I see every two weeks. Tho that may be changing, I will find out tomorrow as he is reducing his work hours to but two days a week. More ECT treatments, at least closer together for a while carries some hope but it's hard to internalize that in such a way that it makes things easier. If that makes sense

If you ever just need to chat send me a pm.

I completely understand. It's so difficult to go on when you keep getting knocked down. My only salvation is to realize that all episodes end and eventually I will have some semblance of normalcy again. You will too. Increasing the frequency of ECT might help. ECT has saved me from black depression three times now. I understand wanting to throw in the towel. But as someone who has lost someone close to them (my father at gen and my husband two years ago) I can say it would be truly devastating to your family. If that's the only reason you have to go on right now, take it.

Things WILL get better.

Thank you for your kind words. I know if I chose to leave people would be hurt. It is thia thoguht that has always kept me from actually trying to end my life before. I don't know if it is the depression or if I have just grown too tired, but that doesn't have the strength it used to, unfortunately. I am not saying that people would be better off without me- nor are their lives so dependent on mine that theirs would be completely ruined-but I am struggling to find more intrinsic reasons to persist. Because after almost 20 years of battling with mental illness , I am looking at things from the perspective that perhaps I do need to do what is best for me and take my leave. I don't know. I just don't know.

VNS has helped some people with resistant depression.
I think it is called vegal nerve stimulater...or something like that.
Talk to your pdoc about it.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I think you ought to take the advice in your signature to heart. Hugs.

It seems that you are doing all you can. If more ECT is the answer I hope you are approved. I've been dealing with depression all spring and summer. It's not easy trying to get out the darkness. I hope things improve for you soon.

I can understand these feelings....I've been battling them myself lately but I'm a little hypo and not fully depressed so I'm still able to shake them off and keep moving forward for now. It's so hard and my heart goes out to you. How you are feeling is likely temporary....I'm sure history would show you that these things come and go and you need to hang on awhile longer to give them the chance to change again. We are here to listen and it's ok to admit you are struggling....it's ok to ask for support and help. ((Hugs))

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I've been there. You're not alone in that feeling. I hope you and your pdoc can figure something out...even more ECT if needed. I hope you feel better soon. Sending big hugs.

Everyone- thank you for your kind words and support. It really makes a difference. I will fight on. I will keep trying

Again thank you to everyone for their support. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and left a bit bewildered. I began explaining how tough things have been and he proceeded to say that he doesn't really know what that means anymore because I am always symptomatic. He said I have a chronic illness that makes it difficult to really grasp how to address things. He also said I spend too much time analyzing things and this is not helpful. He said for those whose illnesses are chronic, such attention is not very helpful. He said in acute cases, where people experience an episode, then a period of remission then another episode some time later- then it is beneficial to analyze so closely what is going on. He also said medication changes are not typically helpful for such chronic conditions either, (and I've been through so many over the years that I react terribly to or that are simply ineffective). So we must start looking more generally at why my condition is so persistent. He said here isn't a clear reason- I'm not in a continuous abusive relationship or situation. I'm not completely financially destitute or homeless or anything. He said 10-15% of cases arechronic like mine.
I don't know why I posted this, really. I guess it left me a little more hopeless feeling. I don't know. Anyone in a similar boat?

Isn't bipolar by definition a chronic condition? I don't really get where he's coming from with the quoted percentages.

For every good psychiatrist, there are several who are worthless and do more harm than good. Why this is so, I don't know but I feel it has to do with a God complex. If a situation is chronic, or course you are going to analyze it and so should your doctor. Them saying you have no reasons for it seems unhelpful at best and dismissive at worst. Perhaps they were trying to say something different than how it came across but I can understand being left feeling confused after such an encounter. What is the next step according to this doctor? How much confidence do you have in their overall competence? Perhaps a new set of eyes on your situation would be of help? If I'm reading what they said to you correctly, they essentially said to stop thinking about being unwell (if it were that easy, I'm sure you are smart enough to have thought of that on your own) med changes won't be helpful because it's chronic (that sounds a little too black/white) you have no good reason to be unwell (unhelpful and says nothing) .....so what do they plan to do for you? Leave you to suffer and expect you to not care or think about it?

I think he was saying only 10-15% of people really NEVER get a period s remission with respect to it being a chronic case and not simply a singular episode surrounded by periods of symptom free

I think he is a wicked smart doctor and do trust him. But your questions do lead me to question similarly- and I need to work up the. Confidence to bring this up to him next time. Because I agree with you about the meds- like, what? No reason to try something new?? He may have said that for my case in particular as I have been on so many things and he has said pharmacologically he doesn't know what to do with me considering my symptoms just persist, or morph but persist in essence nonetheless. We are continuing with ECT treatments as needed to hold the real severe symptoms and I guess aside from that I don't really know the plan. I'm on clonazepam, seraquel, buspirone, lithium and hydroxyzine. Right now. Most other meds I cannot tolerate. So I think he wants to try and figure out what may be causing the chronic issues rather than just trying to treat the symptoms. I think. I don't know. Like I said I left a bit bewildered. And even if I wanted a second opinion I doubt I could get one. There is a waiting list virtually everywhere in my area to see a psychiatrist. There are so sparse around where I live, it is horrible.

Thanks for your thoughts