[rebecca1938]

Hello all,
I have posted on here before. I have come back to try to explain my situation a bit better and to beg for advice, because I believe if I don't get it my 16.5 year old daughter may end up in serious trouble.

I'm going to pre-empt what I say here by asking anyone kind enough to reply to try and not suggest that this is due to bad parenting, or lack of discipline. I've disciplined and I've done everything I can, and she rails against all and every part of it to the point where I think her view of life is delusional to an extent.

She is an only child. She has always been a glass half empty kind of kid. She has shown warning signs from a young age. She was always oppositional/strong-willed. She would come out of school crying almost every day even at age 5/6. It was like either she loved the drama of it, or she really just thought her life was far worse than it was.

When I say she is and was strong willed I mean to the 9th degree. She hates reading but had to for school. I sat her down one day and said we're going nowhere until you read one chapter. She say there all day. We didn't go out.

Anyway, I could write a novel about this and I'm trying to keep it short. As she got older it got more and more extreme. Her eating is selective, so one time I took her to the pediatrician at the age of 13/14. He saw how much she argued with me and contradicted me and said she had ODD (oppositional defiance disorder)

She is now SO oppositional, and SO uncontrollable that I do not know what to do any more. Basically if I require her to do something, she just refuses. If I DO go hardline on her, she just threatens to do worse, and she does. She escalates and escalates. She goes to school where I work and her and her boyfriend are well known to school staff. I asked her to come straight to me when she is dismissed and has refused, then in the ensuing argument told me she would just rebel even worse. This is her after a phone call on Sunday at 6pm where police caught her in her boyfriend's car and they were comitting a lewd act. They escaped being arrested this time, but I know this is the second time she has done that in a car with him, and once she snuck around to our house to have sex. PLEASE do not tell me I have a 'normal' teen, because that could be any teenager. She also shows no to little remorse, and justifies her behavior by saying kids are doing worse than her. She also seems delusional because she takes NO responsibility for her actions at all. She is bolshy and rude and unmanageable in my own home.

She has been diagnosed with Bipolar and also possible BPD because she has very dysfunctional relationships with peers and adults in authority. She listens to noone. She has been spoken to by many respected people who have told her to change her behavior, but she ignores them all and carries on regardless.

Currently she takes lexapro, one a day, and 4 lamictil.

Please be kind with me. Feel free to ask me questions but please do NOT tell me she is 'normal.' I am close to having a nervous breakdown and need supportive answers.

Thank you in advance to anyone who can help me help her. Does she need therapy? Am I being too lenient or too severe? Why is she not more compliant at least in the immediate aftermath of almost being arrested!?

Help!

[scatterbrained04]

*hugs* I have struggled having a child with mental health issues too, though mine is much younger. Our life was a complete wreck until one day we hit the right med combo. Nothing is worse than watching your child go down that road, despite everything you do. Meanwhile, the whole world just blames it on "bad parenting."

Is your daughter compliant with taking medication? She may need additional or entirely different meds. It's a guessing game that can take years, and then even then they need tweaked. Therapy is a good idea too if she isn't currently going. Definitely worth a shot.

You are likely going to face some very difficult decisions as parent. Given her age, one of those down the road may be to let her hit rock bottom. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. I know it's not what you want to hear. I wish I could give you better advice

[B2008]

I was an uncontrollable, suicidal, drugs, sex, cutter, set my own rules at 15. Mom kicked me out at 16. Made some huge mistakes, was lost for about 10 years. Now at 34 I have a great husband and 4 kids. A great life other than dealing with bpd. You can't make her change all u can do is make sure she has access to the the support she needs. One day she will accept it.

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

[cmc3663]

So sorry, you sound so distressed. Have you looked into dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) for her? That type of therapy in specific is supposed to be good for people with BPD. Does she mind taking meds? It's really a long and grueling trial and error process for finding the right thing. She might not have found the right meds for her yet.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Look for support groups thru NAMI. DBSA. It's usually once a week and it's free. Good luck.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I can't remember, has she been hospitalized? I'm thinking some kind of adolescent unit, especially one that might keep her for a week or two, might be a beneficial thing. They'd be able to observe and adjust meds since it sounds like what's on isn't helping much. Which makes sense because lamictal helps depression more and obviously so does lexapro. She may need a mood stabilizer or an anti-psychotic to help even things out. They'd also be able to get closer to a more accurate diagnosis for you. I have a friend who went through this with her son when he was younger than your daughter and while it was really hard it completely turned his life around and he's doing so well now that nobody would believe how bad his symptoms were. I think he was even coming off some of his stronger meds lately.

There are also residential treatment facilities. I don't know much about them but I think you have to have tried hospitalization and had it not work. Those provide longer term treatment away from home so not ideal but it has helped people before.

I guess for starters though maybe ask her pdoc about a med to calm her as well as the antidepressants. ADs alone could be stimulating her and making things worse. When I was on just zoloft when I was 21 I slapped my sister. I am still horrified I did this but the zoloft was making me really manic and I wasn't sleeping making it worse and one thing led to another. This was nearly 20 years ago and I still cringe to think of it. I'm pretty sure with a mood stabilizer too it would never have been that way.

[LorrieTorrie]

I agree with the hospitalization suggestion. I was a quiet, studious, nerdy teenager. Then I had my first episode at 18 and started to behave exactly like what you're describing. I have been going downhill ever since, and it wasn't until I was hospitalized that I realized it was time to get myself together. I had a bit of a relapse after I left because I didn't really have the strong support system I needed. It seems that your daughter won't have that problem. Good luck!

[~Christina]

Im sorry you are going through so much

One thing I do Question is the " Bipolar" ... Reason being . Lamictal works mainly on the depressive end of Bipolar . Lexapro can actually cause Manic episodes.. If shes Bipolar a Mood stabilizer should really be in the mix , there are a few options.

I dont have an grand advice.. I think IP ( inpatient hospital stay) would be very helpful.. At least then the Bipolar can be looked at closer and some meds can be tried. Sounds like she would benefit from both CBT and DBT Therapy.

In the middle of all your struggling with her .. please do .. somehow find time to take care of yourself. When was the last time you did something nice /healthy for yourself?

[BPFigment]

Originally Posted by rebecca1938

Currently she takes lexapro, one a day, and 4 lamictil.

Help!

Maybe the current meds are not working for her and she needs to change them. Also do you know for sure that she actually takes the medication or she just tells you she takes it. I have bipolar and had trouble with school and relationships at her age also and my problems got very bad requiring hospitalization after I started getting heavier into drug use at 18. You sound like probably how my mother sounded at that time. Not over the same exact problems but nonetheless not everyones symptoms of things are exactly the same but end up with the same results.

[Nike007]

Hello. Sorry this still has been a struggle for you. I am always surprised by some of the teenage stories I've heard.

Anyways, it seems like therapy would help and maybe recheck medication? Maybe a family therapy to figure out why she acts like this and what you can do to help and DBT like someone suggested?

Some parenting book on bipolar disorder and ODD may help. I know a book for ODD/ADHD called "The Explosive Child". Apparently it's a good book (never read it), but it talks more than just an "explosive child". Anyways, this is my advice. I know that it may be hard for her to communicate like I have trouble communicating with my mom. Life isn't simple. But at least you trying shows that you haven't given up on her. So keep trying.

Social anxiety disorder, GAD, OCD, and panic attacks

Lexapro, 10 mg

[BlueInanna]

Big hugs to you. It sounds like a nightmare. And sounds similar to what I went through with my 21 year old daughter. She is now a true delight, polite, kind, intelligent and we are very close. Mine likes to read too.

My advice and opinion are possibly not going to be popular. But I don't think she needs to be hospitalized. Unless she becomes so violent or manic or depressed there is really no other option. Hospitalizations were traumatic for my kids. They really did not help and I would do anything to go back and change my decisions on that.

What will help in my opinion, a therapist and doctor she trusts, her bond with you. Loads of compassion. Calm her down during fights or stay calm and let her rant. Sincerely asking what can you do to help her in those moments.

And birth control! Open honest discussions. Good luck to you, it is such a nightmare situation.

[newtothis31]

It sounds like both you and your daughter would benefit from seeing a strong therapist (separately).
Also- you may want to try a different psychiatrist. Lexapro is not a good Rx for people who have bipolar disorder- it can push a person into mania.
Most of all- be sure to take care of yourself.

[rebecca1938]

Thanks for the advice. She is refusing all meds. She does have therapy but the therapist told her that DBT isn't much use since she knows what to do but just won't do it. She brought a puppy into our home then went out last night after being told no, you have to stay and watch pup. When she got back in and I challenged her about it, she got so angry she threw a glass that shattered all over the kitchen tiles. I did not see her all day today then when she came in tonight she is talking away to me as if nothing happened. How do I keep dealing with this craziness?

[rebecca1938]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Big hugs to you. It sounds like a nightmare. And sounds similar to what I went through with my 21 year old daughter. She is now a true delight, polite, kind, intelligent and we are very close. Mine likes to read too.

My advice and opinion are possibly not going to be popular. But I don't think she needs to be hospitalized. Unless she becomes so violent or manic or depressed there is really no other option. Hospitalizations were traumatic for my kids. They really did not help and I would do anything to go back and change my decisions on that.

What will help in my opinion, a therapist and doctor she trusts, her bond with you. Loads of compassion. Calm her down during fights or stay calm and let her rant. Sincerely asking what can you do to help her in those moments.

And birth control! Open honest discussions. Good luck to you, it is such a nightmare situation.

Thank you for this. Only thing is she doesn't have a bond with me. She uses me when she needs/wants me but otherwise she verbally abuses me and has little/no empathy for me. :-(
Likewise, with the fights. When she behaves badly, am I supposed to just let her? I don't have a clue what to do, but I do know I feel under hostage. She chucks a glass one night and we have a huge raving argument, then the next night she's chatting away like nothing even happened. It's beyond ridiculous.
Help.

Rebecca, I am very sorry for what you are going through. I cannot offer advise in situations like these because I feel a person must follow their heart. I can relate to some of what you're going through but some I just can't imagine. Watching a young girl, who I'm sure you love with all your heart self destruct must be excruciating. Do you have a therapist? A professional could guide you towards some options. You do have options though they may not be good. I put my oldest son in Rehab recently in hopes it would help. Time will tell. I think seeing a therapist could be useful for you if you found the right one. (((Hugs)))

[Pikku Myy]

All I can as a BP1 mom . My daughter has the same traits... gosh, just love her. It is so hard to see your own child suffer and in my case, self harm. I still cry every single day. Be there for her... it may take years. Hugs

[Sunflower123]

Im sorry you're having such a tough time. My heart breaks for you. She needs treatment...whether that be IP or with a strong therapist. This has nothing to do with bad parenting or lack of discipline and everything to do with mental illness. She may need a different med combo although if she won't take them, I don't see the point. My concern is you and making sure you are getting adequate support in dealing with this and are taking good care of yourself. I hope you get some clarity on what your next step should be. Please keep us posted.

[Shazerac]

Hello, I say no this is not normal teenage behavior. It's also not your fault. I've spent the entire 45 years of my daughter's life torturing myself over her mental illness. What did I do wrong? What did I not do that I should have done?

She was confrontational, lied about everything, firmly believed that nothing that happened to her was the result of her own actions, physically violent with me. She was destructive, throwing things through windows and smashing them in the middle of the winter.

40 years ago there was the firm belief that ANY problem with the child was ALL the mother's fault. I must have abused and neglected her, there was no other reasons. They refused to entertain the concept that she might have a mental disorder. Even that fact that 2 of her father's siblings had schizophrenia was not taken to account. Now she's 45 years old and as sick as she ever was. Still violent, abuses drugs, been in jail, involuntarily hospitalized many times.

After that horror story, let me share some good news. Doctors actually believe now that a child can be suffering from mental illness. Gather a strong support team. Get her into therapy now! I don't care if she doesn't want to go. She's a child and it's not her decision to make. Move heaven and earth to help her and get help for yourself. You will need it to cope with what lays ahead. Don't bother listening to people who tell you she's a normal teenager. They don't understand what you are going through. Try not to fall into the trap of believing it's your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

My heart goes out to you