Moral problem in causing intentional mania

Let's face it guys and gals. Those of us sitting here that have bipolar disorder, have an incredible gift. The demonic beast in us that can unleash an unlimited supply of creativity and energy for a few day to a few weeks. During my manic episodes, I have pulled off some pretty impressive stunts and have learned an incredible amount of stuff in a short time.

Here is my problem. I have gotten myself to a point where I don't need my medication but on a prn basis. My P-Doc is quite impressed with how well I manage my condition. Now, my life has gotten so stable and routine, the beast inside me sleeps.

Right now, I am working two jobs, and going to school for teaching. However, I am making steady, productive, progress. Honestly, I admit I absolutely hate living a normal life, it sucks. I like my chaotic up and downs better, well the ups mostly.

There are two things that drive me. Stress and mania. I can not get myself under stress anymore. I have learn to manage things through therapy so easily, that now it really doesn't matter what life throws at me. Think of someone throwing a football at the back of your head and you turn around and catch it at the last minute with confidence. That's the key visual here.

Two things are on my mind with wanting to wake the beast. The school I go to lets you take classes as fast you can take them. First, my grandfather has dementia, and he always wanted to see me graduate from college. In the next couple years, his prognosis is not looking good, and same for my grandmother, who suffered from a massive blood clot and had to be flown 2 hours to another hospital, and died twice in route. They are still here. But I don't want to be a disappointment and I want to make them happy, before their time is up. Second, after my divorce, my high school sweetheart, wants to be with me, not just hanging out, but a serious relationship. I miss her so much. She drives, motivates, and coaches me everyday to do my best and I do the same for her. I mean I seriously love this woman and would do anything for her. We both has crappy marriages and now, we realized we were meant to be. Things just got out of hand after high school, I had to go sit in the hospital for a week on observation and she got kicked out of her house for having a black friend and I couldn't find her for nearly 5 years. I just cant be with her right now, until I finish my degree, then I can have the love of my life again.

Anyways, after reading. The question is should I play with fire? I know my P-Doc would be pissed for pulling a stunt like this. But if I could keep a full blown mania episode burning for about three months. Yes, it is possible, I have very severe bipolar and have gone up to 12 days without sleep except a 30 min nap every other day. I have no doubt I could finish all my classes, and be ready to student teach in July. Putting me for graduation in December. There could be consequences, but all risks come with risks! I love that quote!

No. Please don’t do it
This is not some sort of super power to turn on and off as you wish.
Please be wise about it. I would think that your grandfather would have prioritized your health over seeing you graduate.

Thanks, It discourages me somewhat. But it this wouldnt be the first time I have done this. The beauty with my Bipolar is that it is cyclothymic. I have studied an intensive amount of neruophysiology and been very careful in the past. I have four control mechanisms. Buporopion SR and XR, when depression sails in, I take in as much stimulants as I can handle without overkilling my heart rate or blood pressure or causing toxic damage to my kidneys or liver. Then I have Seroquel and Risperdal. Risperdal cuts off the energy within 24 hours, but leaves it burning, Seroquel will knock me out flat cold, until my brain is done rebooting. Im still very tempted though.

I know you want to please your grandparents but with dementia things can change in a matter of days! Maybe they would rather see you happy first, with the "love of your life"..we aren't promised tomorrow and they would probably understand your relationship rather than your education. I'm proud that you want to accomplish things so quickly but at what cost? Your health is at risk, and you will be no good for yourself or anyone else if you cause something to happen by not taking care of yourself..please take time to really think this through. Good luck in whatever you decide..

Thanks, I really wish it was getting better for my grandfather, but things are getting concerning now. He isn't really improving and my grandmother can not handle taking care of him anymore. I wish I can just have faith, but that is not part of my persona. With the love of my life, she so depressed, alone, and suffering in silence because she is patiently waiting for me to finish something I should have done a long time ago. She tells me " I know you will come back, and I am going to waiting on you, because I know your going to be the one" But back in my early 20's I was still trying to get this bucking bronco in my head under control. Now the beast listens to me. The only real severe consequence, is my manic psychosis get out of control (mostly hearing voices and paranoia) But normally 600mg of Seroquel and 4 mg of Ativan and 2 days of sleep, and I will wake up back to Mr. Gray working the old 8-5. Normally I can function under stress, but I have none or none to create. I just wish there was another way. I feel like I cant do it without getting on my black stallion and having her race across the field in a full blown sprint. But waking her is a bit unpredictable, but normally she comes alive with flowing red eyes and a mane of fire, and runs faster than anything you have ever seen. Just like people have to learn to ride a horse, I had to learn to ride my stallion (stallion=bipolar)

I fully understand what you are dealing with but at the same time, you cannot keep doing your brain the way you want to do it..it will rebel sooner or later with maybe irrepairable damage! Maybe the reason your friend is depressed is because she's worried about what may happen to you as well..Meds can be ugly too; they don't always affect you the same way after a while. Try having a little faith, it's what keeps me going in the right direction. You never know till you try, maybe it's what you're missing..

Thanks. No one has any idea, what I have been brewing in my mind. I find this a safe place to get advice and listen to others before acting. The last time I put myself into this, is when my ex-wife ran up her credit cards, I was facing a choice. Either skip credit card payments and risk getting screamed and yelled at and probably have the crap being beat out of me, or put food on the table. I worked so many hours for a month, it was unreal. I made about 2.5 times more than my normal pay. Paid off all the bills, ex-wife was ungrateful, but at least I got to eat. Yeah it was a little exhausting when I threw water on the fire. But if you makes you feel better. I am going to at least sleep on it tonight.

Glad to hear you are going to sleep on it.
I can understand you are tempted to ride the beast. The thing is, when your brain is that open- fully turned on, you have a neural propagation depth that is beyond anything normal. I can see why you would want that, but remember a couple thing- mania does feel good for many (most) people. Even though you are intelligent, and even though you can control it to some degree- the risk is really too high. Any hurdles that comes into the equation at that speed -small or big- can make you fall so hard you may not rise again.
It's not something to play with. People don't go racing with formula1 cars on the streets in full speed. The car is in an environment capable to handle the speed, they can control every twist and turn.

You can't ride the stallion in every day life without risking your health or other peoples health. Thing can happen. Or something new can fall into the equation, your incredible neural propagation depth can be disturbed, and then it can become dangerous really fast. Problem is: in that speed the odds for being able to control it is starting to fade. It is not a given that you can stop it fast enough with medication, nor that you see the problem. In that speed you might just add things happening to the equation, and then everything will be calculated wrong.

I would never do that again, I have promised my close ones that I will never do that, unless in a controlled environment, for the purpose of science to figure out what is going on in the brain scientifically. Lol, and I don't see that happening any soon

Don't do it, please stay safe.

Don't play games that will likely end in disaster and you know it!

I’ve had a full blown manic episode that lasted 4 months followed by a hypomanic episode. All up 6mths.

Being psychotic and borderline psychotic for that long can have an awful impact on your brain as it struggles to recover, the impact on everyone you know etc is unpredictable.
My memory - forget “I can’t find my keys”. It was a case of standing at the top of a flight of stairs at a train station thinking “I don’t know how to get down stairs. I don’t remember”.

Mania strained my marriage and I was semi estranged from my kids. I encouraged one of my kids to study uni in a different city where he had no support system. He went on to attempt suicide.

I went from being highly intelligent to being the opposite.

Once it dawned on me how much damage I had done while manic, I switched to suicidal and was hospitalised again.

It has taken me 3 years to finally feel some level of stability and to get my brain back.
I think if your pdoc knew that you were playing Russian roulette manipulating your moods you’d be put back on regular meds faster than you could blink.
Also hey, if you want your grandparents last memories of you to be in an unwell state then that’s up to you.

Thanks for the advice guys and gals. I'm not going to do. Its really incredibly tempting, but one slip up and I could lose control fast. I'm really glad I got some sense talked into me.

Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, live your vision

It's hard to control the impulse to the illusion that we can fulfill our immediate wants by engaging in a burst of mania....but that's what it is, an illusion. Smart decision on your part.