I don’t think I can

I really don’t think I can do this. This is my third day back at work. I’ve been sick with anxiety since Thursday, my first day back. It was as bad as I imagined. I think it’s mostly in my head. I can’t explain it. But I know nothing. I try so hard to understand and then when it comes down to I I’m wrong. I’m telling the kids the wrong things. Because I think I know, and then my co teacher says something different. I ****ing hate it. Im literally sick. Like my stomach is completely ****ed up. I had a good day on Saturday because I was away from work but Sunday I just knew work was coming so I was anxious all day. I feel like I’m dying. Im getting chest pains and I get afraid something is really wrong with my heart but I’m pretty sure it’s just anxiety.

I don’t know what to do. I have my lavender essential oil in my diffuser necklace, that helps a little. My weighted blanket at night helps. Taking a hot shower (though it is difficult) helps. But I’m still severely anxious all day until I leave work, then I’m ok for a couple of hours but it ramps up at bedtime again bc I’m thinking about work the next day.

I don’t know what to do, I need the money but I can’t live like this.

Could you ask your co-teacher for help with what you're having trouble with?

I'm so sorry work has been so brutal for you. Anxiety sucks so bad and I'm sorry you have so much of it. I hope something gets sorted out for you soon. Big hugs.

Try your best to fit in. This may be degrading to you but soon enough, you'll be king chicken *****er in no time. Study them, then go for the kill.

Best wishes

(((((( wildflowerchild ))))))

Wow well i am happy that you found the things that do help you. Do you think that maybe a calming tea at night might help you? When i was trying to go the natural way of calming my anxiety the tea did help a little bit. Good luck

She’s completely unapproachable. Again, I can’t tell how much is in my head and how much is real but I feel like she’s hated me since day 2 way back in September. She never smiles at me and often just straight up ignores me.

I did have extra help in the fall before I took my leave but the math coach is unavailable right now due to scheduling conflicts.

My jaw hurts from clenching it so hard all day.

You have tried then.
Do the best you can and you'll be ok.
There's the assaten approach, deliberately do it all wrong, then vehemently deny it all later and claim duress. It never worked out for me, but still Walmart didn't fire me for the almost two years I worked there.
No, don't do any of that. It's not healthy

I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine having to teach in those conditions. Teaching under any conditions is hard enough as it is, it’s got to exceptionally difficult the way you are feeling. .

I can’t remember, but were you on some kind of short term disability when you initially left work? Did your pdoc approve you to go back to work, or did you just have to go back to work for financial reasons? I remember you were worried about going back to work, and I hate that it’s as bad as you expected. I don’t think it’s all in your head, unless “in your head” refers to the stress, anxiety, lack of concentration, memory issues, that affects many of us. And makes it hard for some of us to get through a day at work.

Do you have any anxiety meds you could take each day, just to get through the school day? Or something more relaxing you can do right before the school day since your anxiety gets started at night? Like get up 15 minutes earlier and do 15 minutes of mindfulness or meditation techniques to get you started in the day? They have a few apps for that, I haven’t used them yet though. But I did a mindfulness activity with a social worker during my last hospital stay, and I was surprised how calm it made me feel for quite a while. If you can spare just 1 to 2 minutes of privacy at school (hard for a teacher, I know) there are even calming techniques you can do with just 1 or 2 minutes of time. Ask the co-teacher to monitor the students for just a few minutes, and go do some calming techniques. If she gets an attitude, tell your principal you need these moments to get through the day. Ask for your own 504 plan. . You really do need some help to get through the day!

I don’t know if you’ve exhausted all your options, but I used to be a state government employee (not a teacher, but did developmental testing) and I realized all the money taken from my paycheck each month and put towards our retirement system allowed me to take advantage of many benefits because of my condition. I don’t know if you’ve already looked into that or not with your state. Just hang in there. I know you want to get through the year, but I hope there is some option for you if it’s just too much. You do not deserve to feel like that everyday.

I can relate. Returning to work after sick leave sucks. It only took me a week at most to have a full relapse, anxiety and depression, and it was just getting worse since then. I don't know what to tell you. I also need the money but I can't imaging living like this for long. It's hard and there may be very few options and none optimal. Are you seeing a therapist?

It's amazing how disrespectful people can be, and for no reason. I'm sorry she's being a total b!tch toward you. Her behavior is disgusting, and it's no wonder kids these days get away with bullying when teachers themselves are bullies.

Is there another math teacher you can chat with for help on math? Maybe a teacher in a grade below or above you? They may know some of the things you're teaching. For example, a Pre-Algebra teacher has to make sure that he/she adequately prepares students for next year's Algebra class, so I'm assuming he/she must know Algebra concepts. Likewise, a teacher in Pre-Calculus will know Algebra and Pre-Algebra because both areas of math are integral to Pre-Calculus and Calculus.

(((Hugs)))

I can relate to a lot of this. It's so hard to work when you are struggling. I admire that you are trying to take it day by day. So sorry to hear that there is a lack of support. Her behavior is completely in the wrong, and you don't deserve that. Be gentle with yourself. It is normal to feel anxious going back to work, although I understand it doesn't feel normal when you are feeling that way. It's one day and a time. You can only do so much, but with time, hopefully the job will get easier. If not, then it's time to evaluate whether it's a good fit or if it's time to look elsewhere, but there's benefits in giving it time and using self-care as much as possible.

Thanks everyone for your words of support. My IOP program did approve me to go back to work. I just started with a brand new pdoc. I don’t know how helpful she will be. Right now I have no anxiety medication. I do not see pdoc again until March 6. Since she works with a lot of substance abuse patients, I know I cannot ask her outright for a benzo (klonopin helps me ususally). I can only highlight my distress and see what she suggests, if anything. But That is a month away.

I do have a therapist that I have an excellent relationship with. I will see her tomorrow. I’m hoping she will give me more skills to use. I like the idea of a short mindfulness meditation. I eat pretty fast so I can do one on my lunch break. I’m just not sure where I would do it as I don’t have a classroom or even an office or desk for myself. I have in the past just sat in the bathroom though to get away from it. That’s actually kind of my go to.

I cannot continue to be so stressed out. I almost lost it with my son several times. He takes a lot of patience as it is and if my patience is already frayed I will not be able to treat home with the kindness he deserves from his mother. I cannot do that to him.

I really don’t have any other options. My leave was unpaid as my district does not offer short term disability through the state. I used all my savings, hence why I had to return. I was hoping for a larger tax return but the tax laws have changed and I am unable to file as a qualifying widow anymore.

I already can’t breathe thinking about tomorrow. Going to take a hot shower after my son goes to bed. Now I’m also worrying about him as he’s stuffed up and coughing. No fever yet but I’m afraid it will be the flu which is absolutely brutal this year. The anxiety extends to every facet of my life. This morning my mom didn’t text me back for over 45 minutes and I was convinced she had died in her sleep and my son was there with her alone without access to a phone.

Well shyyt,

I have no magical words and all advice given is right on point as always around Pc

In the words of Trippin..... your situation sucks rabid donkey balls....

Loads of hugs hun !!!!

Hugs! I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this rotten. Today is my second day back at work after being IP and it’s been really tough. I too dread going to work but need the money to pay my bills.

Hugs to you!!

I went to my therapist and opened a whole can of worms. I realized part of the reason my anxiety is so bad is that I don't have a lot of support right now. I'm afraid of upsetting my mother by telling her how bad it is so I keep it in (story of my ****ing life). My one SIL just moved into a new house so I haven't seen her in awhile. My other SIL just had a baby she's super controlling and protective of the baby and I feel like she's trying to shut me and my son out of her life. THAT is just my perception though, I don't think that's actually true, I think that's my unwell anxious brain jumping to conclusions.

We didn't go over any skills to use because I needed to just talk. I wish I could see her more often right now but tuesday is the only day my mom can watch my son.

Oh, and I needed to sign up for workshops today for professional development day on Feb. 20 but they didn't open registration until 10am and I was already in class by then. By the time I got to register (2.30p) there were only a few workshops left. So, stupidly, because I wanted two half-day workshops, I picked a workshop about the impact living in a fatherless home has on a child and how it can affect their schoolwork, and a drug and alcohol workshop. Yeah, two of the most triggering subjects I could have possibly taken. I really am stupid. I didn't think about it till later. i'm going to be miserable the whole day. That was my own stupid *** fault!

Uuuugh....well i'll stop complaining now. i'm hoping it will get easier as time goes on. today was awful. I have zero, ZERO confidence in myself, which means I just stand there like a lame duck, which means the kids don't respect me as a teacher, which means they're assholes to me. and I have THREE more observations left.

I’m glad you were able to see your T , sometimes just talking it out of your mind can be helpful..

Keep posting here, we all “ get it”

Many hugs my friend !

As for workshops, yeah but not the best idea ...... but it might be a bit healing in a way.

To many kids in general from what I can see nowadays are so difficult to manage.

I’m trying to consciously relax my jaw. My teeth and jaw hurt when I eat from clenching so hard for so long. I’ve never experienced this before. I really feel like this is the worst anxiety I’ve had since I was 14 and hallucinating a shadow attacker every time I closed my eyes or turned my head. I remember coming home from school and having to go to bed for a couple of hours because my head was pounding every day.

I tried to do a meditation at school today but I really can’t because I don’t have anywhere private to go. I’m going to try to do them at night (no time in the AM - I stay in bed as long as possible).

I’m self medicating with food again. I ****ing hate that I have no self control.

My therapist told me to remember my student teaching and how awful it was and that I survived that. Yes I WILL survive this, of course, just not sure at what cost.

Hey feel free to hit me up. I’m here.

Maybe there is a reason you chose those two workshops. Triggering, granted, but maybe your mind and body are ready to tackle these issues in a relatively safe manner. It can be benificial to you and the children. I’m sorry these topics upset you but I believe our minds work in their own wacky way while knowing what could be good for you.

I actually did pick the fatherless children workshop to learn how I can help my son, so though it will be upsetting I hope it will be informative.

I just got done tying to work on the lesson for tomorrow and I have no ****ing clue what’s going on. I wish I could take a day off tomorrow but I’ve only been back a week. What does that look like, right? ****.

The anxiety is melting into a mild to moderate depression instead. I’m super exhausted but I think that’s to be expected, as I went from taking naps every day to standing on my feet for six hours. That might even out. I feel terrible though, I feel asleep yesterday after work and didn’t get dinner for my son until 7:15pm. He ate chips and m&ms before that I am awful. I’m just like my mother and I ****ing hate it. And yet I do nothing to change it.

**** I’m just horrible all around. I hate myself right now and I just hate everything.

It’s okay to hate yourself, it means you have feelings and you “want” to do better, be better.

So your son had junk to eat lol I think all parents this happens too. My daughter once ate 5-6 ice cream sandwiches for dinner lol , the world didn’t end,sure you can feel bad. But you don’t let that happen all the time.

Your job suck ! Just sucks! Is there a way for you to focus on the end game? The last month week day until your free ?

You are not your mom.. you are a woman that lost her husband yet has been picking up the pieces and maybe your stuck in one spot right now but you are not falling back , your moving forward.

It’s okay to be mad, get some ugly thrift store Plates and fling them and watch them break, I usually put them in bags so I don’t have to clean up a mess but goodness it feels good

* hugs *