I'm kinda tired and bored. I haven't hallucinated since Friday, so that's good, right? The voices always have either creepy or mean things to say. It's weirding me out.

In other news, I'm kinda confused. I failed the interview with this company I mentioned a while back, and the recruiter guy was like, "sorry, but you will not be making it to the next round." That was on Tuesday. Now I got a message from a different guy at the company yesterday: "would you like to interview?" WTF

difficult day yesterday.

went to get my mcdonalds yesterday like I said,

very irritated waiting in the long queue, and even more so because it was hot- and my pain levels were really bad

mcdonalds wasn't that great anyway- had nuggets and chips- but just wasn't feeling it.

failed to rest the entire day and in the nightt, today I am in agony too

had my shower (and feel gross for it), and went to the shop for a few things- that's it though, no other plans today

[Scooter9]

Welp...I lost my job today. I work contract so it's common to just end a contract on the spot. I asked for the reason but was just given platitudes.

Now the job hunt in a slow market starts. Not helpful that I have been feeling so low.

[pirilin]

I've been winning every auction I participate for the last three days. (Like 20.)
That makes me wonder.
a) I've been very lucky.
b) There were not many bidders.
c) What I bid on is not important to many.
d) I'm bidding too high.
e) The economy is in shambles and I'll hafta eat everything I bought.

I want to think I'm very lucky. I want to lie to myself.

[wildflowerchild25]

Found a vape pen with cartridges and I feel SO much better today. I didn’t go back to sleep at all. I made my pt and chiro appointments. I cleaned my son’s room up a little bit (too mad to do the whole thing, I shouldn’t have to, that little **** lol). I refiled for unemployment. Not sure if I did it right but I guess I’ll find out. I took the trash out and I went grocery shopping. Got ingredients for lasagna and for pigs in a blanket including sweet corn to make as a side. Really excited about that. It’s not summer in jersey without sweet corn.

I rescheduled my spine dr appointment for next Friday. They will likely recommend injections at this point, seeing as the pt and chiro isn’t helping. I’m a little scared of that. Of course my anxious mind goes to “what if I get paralyzed” although I’m sure that wouldn’t happen. Not really worried about the pain factor as I just sat through a five hour tattoo which was quite painful lol so I can handle it. I just hope if I do decide to go for it that they actually help. This would all be dandy if I could take Advil on a regular basis but I can’t due to a possible ulcer. When I was taking it for severe sinus headaches a few weeks back my back was sooo much better. Ugh.

I’m feeling a bit hypo today and I love it. I wish I could see my boyfriend tonight. But I can’t go out. My mom can’t watch my son. I keep feeling like one of these days I’m going to blurt out that I love him. Can you love someon after just four months? I feel like I’ve loved him from the minute we started talking. He was talking about us getting a house together on Tuesday. Not seriously, just in a wistful sort of way, but still. I think he sees a real future with me. I see a real future with him too.

I’m so bored right now. I think I might play my computer game for a little while. No ones answering my text messages lol.

[windmill xyz]

Flooded with anxiety today. Don't remember it being this bad in years. Not sure what is going on really. Took a zyprexa prn earlier and did sleep a little bit. Had some of it yesterday but today ten times worse.

Had a great time at some holiday parties tues and wednesday. Did skip meds tuesday, not a big drinker but had way too much and up too late. So missed some sleep for sure.

Maybe some of it is rebound from meds, but that was 3 nights ago now and have taken everything like normal last 2 nights.

It is general pit of my stomach feeling, and a flood of other things, memories of old stuff. Relationships, family stuff. Had some crazy nitemare type dreams of some ptsd type of stuff from long time ago, I think that has stuck with me all day.

Came out of nowhere and feel paralyzed by it.

My dx is bipolar one. Been doing pretty good for awhile. I do have anxiety now and then but mild for a long time now, doesn't bother me much.

This is not like anything I've had in a really really long time.

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by vertigo

I have ECT tomorrow. We're leaving for the hospital at 6:15am. Maybe somebody cares, but I doubt it.


I haven't been feeling well. I sure hope this makes a difference.

I do, and I hope you feel better soon.

Every day I work in a lonely dystopian virtual workspace. You?

[Unrigged64072835]

So sore and tired today.

Daughter's ex didn't show up to bring down the rest of his stuff. We ended up doing it for him so we can see what damage he left. Apparently it was quite a bit. Left out more bait traps for the ants (that are still coming in--thanks exterminator guy). Husband vacuumed the floor twice and the landing once, packing the canister each time. Everything is out except the rest of his toiletries and his food. I don't know if he'll come back, but if he doesn't his stuff is gone by Wednesday. We're having the daughter pull the rest of his toiletries tomorrow and we'll box the nonperishable food. We want no excuse for him to come into the house. My daughter's been staying with friends just to avoid him. She asked me to talk to the ex about the car. I'll let my husband deal with that. She needs it for her job in two weeks and doesn't have the money to buy another one. My husband is not going to play taxi either.

I am so tired of all this drama. I just want them all gone. I hate to say that, but I'm done.

[Tucson]

I am here. I am concerned. My friend sent me a manual to a GPS, radar, and depth sounder that he will have in his new boat, which he will purchase hopefully soon. We may end up going around the Great Lakes of Michigan for a couple weeks. Apparently he wants me to navigate us around all over the place. I have not done anything like this for a great many years. Also this is my first radar. It looks like it is not a simple as turning it on and watching the antenna go round-and-round. LOL I have to learn about making plots from the radar for collision avoidance. The boat does have an auotopilot. Blows my mind. Just blows my mind. Nothing but the best for my friend. Must be nice to have that kind of money. Well, he has worked hard all of his life for the money.

Now get this. I asked him about getting my clothes washed on the trip. He says that the boat will have a washer, dryer, and even a dish washer. Then there is the master stateroom with a king sized bed. What??? What am I getting myself into here? I offered to help pay for gas. He will not let me. He said it will cost over $1,000 a day for gas. I guess my $100 contribution will not go far. LOL So I will be able to pass on this. How did I manage to miss the train he got onto for his life? Here I am MI and on disability. Rather depressing. Oh well.

Watch and see what happens. Watch me get us lost somewhere in the Great Lakes. They have no cell tower there. And this will be because I could not figure out how to use the sophisticated GPS correctly. Maybe he will fall overboard? I certainly cannot drive a boat of that size. For that matter, how would I find him? I would probably hit him trying. What if I was not checking the radar as much as I should and we end up hitting someone? This one concerns me. We also may end up hitting a rock just because I was not paying attention to the feature full depth sounder. Part of me does not want all of this responsability. I do not know if this trip is a good idea for me, but I do want to go with him on a vacation.

[Daonnachd]

ECT was the usual, but in trying to put in the IV, the nurse went right through the vein then wiggled the catheter around a bit trying to get blood flowing to indicate a successful poke. Ow. Another nurse stuck me on the other arm and it went fine.

It's always cold in the OR, but I only occasionally get the shivers when waiting for all the monitor leads and electrodes to be hooked up. Today was one of those days. I haven't been able to ascertain if it's anxiety or temperature.

The strange part of today's experience is I signed the discharge paperwork without even being conscious. I'm curious about that.

So, that's all. ECT done for today and I'm feeling better.

[wildflowerchild25]

Glad you’re feeling better vertigo.

[Tucson]

I am always concerned when I hear of someone about to get ECT. I do understand that when it is the only option, it is necessary. I am also glad you are feeling better.

[Cocosurviving]

My day was going fine until me and my daughter arrived home. Our whole apartment smelled like marijuana. I called the office and spoke with the assistant manager. She said, she would call each tenant whose apartment was connected to mine. I called the police and they arrived in 10 minutes. They walked around to see if they could figure out who it was coming from. I live in Oklahoma and medical marijuana was just voted on and it passed. However it has not started yet. I was announced on the news and I verified by asking the police officers. I sent an e-mail of what happened to the office. I also asked with the new law passing will tenants be allowed to use medical marijuana. My older daughter feels like I will not be able to find an apartment complex that will say no. I disagree. Some tenants have a child. We do not want our apartment unit filled with the smell of marijuana. Medical marijuana users need to rent or buy a house.

[wildflowerchild25]

Just realized I’m five days out from my period - so depression could have been PMDD related too. Uuuugh. I hope getting on birth control will help control this emotional ******** that goes on every ******* month. And the overeating. I ate almost 3000 calories today no wonder I can’t crack 200lbs.

[Tucson]

I just realized that living in Tucson without AC requires more frequent showers. I am sure all of you wanted to know this about me. LOL

[wildflowerchild25]

It’s 1:30am and I cannot stop thinking enough to go to sleep. And I didn’t sleep at all during the day today. Things I am thinking about: I totally bombed that interview because I was depressed but I have some sliver of hope that maybe I get the job anyway because I would really like it and I would be good at it and it would be low stress and a good starting point for me. I am fervently hoping and praying that I get it somehow. It’s a receptionist at a prosthodontics office. It really would be perfect. Perfect hours and perfect stress level. I wish I had done better on the interview. But what’s done is done. But I can’t get it out of my mind.

Other thing I’m thinking about: I’m head over heels In love with my boyfriend 😫😫😫. I’ve known this for awhile but it’s really hit me today. I want to tell him so badly but I’m afraid he doesn’t feel the same way. I’m also afraid it’s too soon. How can I be so in love with someone I just met four months ago exactly? But I feel like I’ve been in love with him since our first date. Granted I was hypomanic for the first month of our relationship but even after the hypomania faded and crashed into depression I still loved him. And now that I’m sort of stable and it’s been longer I’m definitely, definitely In love. I’m gonna try to hold out until six months to say anything because this is an adult relationship dammit and you don’t just go around throwing out I love you like it means nothing. But it means something to me. I do love him.

We haven’t had a fight yet. I know that will come In time. He’s not a hothead like my husband was, though, so I hope when we do fight it won’t be the screaming knock down drag outs I used to have with my husband. I hope it will be a civil disagreement. That will make me love him even more.

Oh god I sound like a damn teenager. I’m 31 years old believe it or not. But I haven’t felt like this since I met my husband. I knew my husband was the one the moment we started dating. I really feel like NV is “the one” number two, as it were. The second one I was meant to meet in my life.

I was hoping by writing this out I could calm down enough to sleep so sorry about all this LOL.

[bpforever1]

I am doing my laundry and will try to vacuum my apartment. Tomorrow, I have a private student. I am doing well. I took my medication and feel fine. Life is grand!!

[pirilin]

I'm taking advantage of the peace and quiet the night offers. I'm a child of the moon.

[bipolarguy]

What is it that were checking in on that we are alive still please explain I want to join in

[wildflowerchild25]

I am totally ****ing wired. Like buzzed to the max. I finally fell asleep around four. Then a phone call woke me up at 9:15. I figured I’d go back to sleep until ten but NOPE. I was UP. I feel hypomanic but not a pleasant hypomanic. I feel irritable as all hell. My son was climbing on me and I couldn’t stand it. I tried to explain that I’m hypersensitive to touch today but he can’t understand that, he’s only seven. I feel like I need to gtfo of here but I have nowhere to go. The only thing I can do is clean. Maybe that will ease my angst. I seem to be calming down a little bit my drinking (decaf) coffee and listening to music.

If my cartridges for my vape don’t come today I might break down and buy a pack of cigarettes. I can’t take this revved up angsty feeling. I need something. At least that’s what my head tells me.

Trying to get the BF to come over for dinner tonight but not sure he will. At least my SIL is coming.

been a bit of a boring day.

just sat here for most of it playing an online card game- and thinking about my abuse, really nothing special at all.

might listen to music in a minit while I wait for my dinner

yep.... boring boring day today

mood is still okay though

plus about today

[Miss Laura]

Been out in the garden sitting sunbathing. Had the paddling pool out for my feet haha what my Nephew doesn't know won't hurt him lol.

Went to supermarket to get food for tonight.

Sitting watching the world cup come on Sweden Lol!

Mood is great haven't felt this good in ages

[wildflowerchild25]

Bought cigarettes 😫😫😫 I had to I was so flipped out. Haldol was missing from my morning cocktail, I should probably go fish one out and take it, it might calm me down. I’m still wired.