[Blueberrybook]

Hypo this morning, I think. Had a little less sleep last night. Vacuumed the living room & washed the futon cover (a pain, but my daughter always gets bits of food all over it). I went for a run that turned out to be 8.4 miles. If I'd taken my morning meds, no telling, I might have run farther or perhaps the Lamictal would have helped, and I would have run less. I need to gain weight but don't want to. It's always hard when advertising for weight loss is always in your face. You can't pick up a women's magazine without something about losing weight unless it is entirely made up of recipes (and even then, they will usually have low-fat adaptations of recipes). The radio stations I listen to play weight loss ads all the time. And it's still on TV even if it's not New Year's and summer has already started. You just don't get away from it. Sometimes, it makes me feel like not eating, but I force myself, and I always have lunch and dinner because we always eat those meals as a family until my husband & daughter are in school.

I cleaned a ton in my office yesterday and am proud of how nice it looks now even though I still have some work left . Hopefully, today, I can start the book for my book club, which is meeting next Monday. I'm having trouble with concentration. I've been trying to finish one book for several weeks now, and it's by an author I like (sigh). I'm taking my daughter to a STEM camp at a local university (luckily, a branch of the University of Houston closer to NASA, much easier to drive to than the main campus). It's still a bit of a drive though, so I will probably be waiting out the 3 hours of her camp in the area. There are a few stores nearby (but that could be dangerous though one of the stores is a dollar store, and I do need a new spatula, so perhaps, I will look there), a Starbucks nearby (I have a gift card with money on it) , and hopefully, i will give me time to devote to my book club book. Her camp goes today through Thursday from 12-3 each day.

Is it normal to lose concentration so much when hypo? I can read one paragraph again & again in a book before soaking it up, which is frustrating as reading is one of my favorite hobbies.

I am excited about my cleaned office though. After I vacuum in there, I will be able to work on jigsaw puzzles again, something I love to do and something my daughter likes to do as well. I will finally have the room. Because of our cats, we cannot leave a puzzle out in a room without a door to close.

[bpforever1]

I am worried about my new man because he left for London via Dubai and he has not replied yet or been on social media. I hope he is ok. I admire him for being really independent. Otherwise, I'm doing fine and took my medication this morning. Tomorrow, I see the psych doctor and will tell him the wonderful news about my new man. I am happy but worried. I should be ok once my man replies or says something on social media. Tomorrow, I teach also on top of seeing the doctor so it will be a busy day.

[Daonnachd]

I'm helping a friend reroof his house today. It's the friend who often drives me to and from ECT.

I feel so guilty. I had a severe rage attack this morning. I kicked the s*** out of my trashcan, punched a wall and dented it, threw anything and everything within sight, tore up papers, and was ready to punch someone. It's all because I couldn't find my wallet/clutch this morning. Now I have a HUGE mess to clean up because the trash exploded everywhere.

I haven't gotten this angry in YEARS.

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I feel so guilty. I had a severe rage attack this morning. I kicked the s*** out of my trashcan, punched a wall and dented it, threw anything and everything within sight, tore up papers, and was ready to punch someone. It's all because I couldn't find my wallet/clutch this morning. Now I have a HUGE mess to clean up because the trash exploded everywhere.

I haven't gotten this angry in YEARS.

That's good. You're releasing your mind off things, but potty about the mess

You said you've gone year's without a rage kick/punch/fart..

To paraphrase a song lyric, "We all fall apart sometimes".

Dust yourself off and get back to being in control again. You've gone far enough to realize shi+ happens.

Other people do understand

[Tucson]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I farted.

I'm guessing that is the most interesting part of my day today

seriously I am doing **** all, and when I say **** all, I litirally mean an automatic door probably has a more interesting day than I have.

that said I am in an okay place. mood good and stuff

no sleep but blah what's new

may as well stick a sign to me that says constantly awake

You have a sense of humor! At the same time, you gave me no doubt about what is happening to you. I think humor is theraputic.

I have experienced the same thing. I just sit or lay down on the sofa listening to the TV. Much of what is there is nothing worth watching except maybe the overtly biased news channels. Even then, I can only watch just so much of it. I do surf the Internet, except I get tired doing that too. What is there to look up? I then walk around my townhome complex for a mike or two. This is better than doing absolutely nothing.

I am here. I feel a little better. I need something to take my mind off of how I can feel in that way. I should be looking for a job, but for some reason it scares me. I used to interview really well, but at least for the time being I do not interview well at all. I am getting real tired of how the tile work in my living room has not been finished for over a month.

[Scooter9]

Feeling low today. Had a discussion about my depression with my wife and she has a point - I'm not going to come out of this simply by waiting for the meds to do their thing...I need to try to do things other than sitting around.

Of course she's right but my lack of motivation is making it hard to start anything. So I'm going the 'fake it, till you make it' route: I'm just going to try a couple of things and keep doing them until my motivation kicks in. Who knows when the motivation will come but she's right in that I need to do something.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

Feeling low today. Had a discussion about my depression with my wife and she has a point - I'm not going to come out of this simply by waiting for the meds to do their thing...I need to try to do things other than sitting around.

Of course she's right but my lack of motivation is making it hard to start anything. So I'm going the 'fake it, till you make it' route: I'm just going to try a couple of things and keep doing them until my motivation kicks in. Who knows when the motivation will come but she's right in that I need to do something.

Scooter, my husband takes the same point of view when I’m depressed, telling me I need to get out of bed, stop sleeping, and DO things. I don’t know if you have kids or not, but my husband points out that it is not healthy for our daughter to see me that way all the time. When do you see your doctor again? How long have you been on your current meds?

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by cln1812

Scooter, my husband takes the same point of view when I’m depressed, telling me I need to get out of bed, stop sleeping, and DO things. I don’t know if you have kids or not, but my husband points out that it is not healthy for our daughter to see me that way all the time. When do you see your doctor again? How long have you been on your current meds?

Thanks cln1812.

My youngest son who is living at home is 21 and he's aware of my bipolar and depression.

I see my doctor next week and I've been on my current meds for 9 months now, adjusting the lithium upwards to where I have it maxed out for me now. I'm thinking of increasing the latuda again (currently at 80 thinking of going to 120).

I was hoping my depression would get better this summer but hopes for that are fading.

[wildflowerchild25]

I had a nice day at the beach today. I only stayed for about an hour because I didn’t go on the actual beach, just walked the boardwalk. My back started to hurt from walking so I had to go home. I had some really good fish tacos and some good ice cream. It was tasty.

I also got some birth control to try. Here’s to hoping it doesn’t **** up my moods. We will find out...

I didn’t get the job I interviewed for. No surprise there. I think I am going to apply to a temp agency just to get some experience in the office world so I can be better experienced and have more of a chance of getting employed full time. Also I’ll have something to do and I’ll have a little bit of income. It won’t be much but it will be something and it will be something to keep me in a routine.

Other than that not much to report. Gaining weight like crazy because PMS Is making me eat everything in sight.

[pirilin]

Installed my new mailbox in the curb just now. The old one was a real eyesore.
Specially compared to the new one now.
It's tilted, but that gives it character.

[Lynn1991]

Literally in the same day: I got to the point where I tried to end my life. I wished for death. Didn't feel like i deserve to live. I was having panic attacks just from coming out of the house. I spent most of my time sleeping in a corner in the living room floor.
Then hours later I somehow did a complete 180. I decided to go to Wal-Mart and spend $150 on cleaning supplies to clean my apartment that I havnt cleaned once in three months. I cleaned it until I had to work at 5 the next morning. Tons of energy but not like I have full blown insomnia. I'll sleep here and there. My friend thinks I'm paranoid because I saw the maintenance guy look at me out the window and then I saw him sprint to the door. So I tried to avoid him coming after me by diving into my apartment. I swear he was after me for something though. Anyway. My mood is great. I feel estatic. I feel confident and sexy. It's like everything is brighter too. Like colors are vibrant outside when I go on a walk. And food even tastes better. I say it's just me being happy and finally shaking this depression out of my head. My friend thinks its just on a high I'm riding until I come crashing again. I wish they would just be happy that I'm happy for once in 3 months!!

[Unrigged64072835]

We had the title switched over to my husband this afternoon. Do insurance tomorrow and registration Wednesday because I have physical therapy and trauma T tomorrow. Told my daughter to set up her driver's test appointment but she's bucking it. The exam station is only open certain days and it serves the entire county, so she needs to schedule it soon. There's a test to show she can parallel park and she hasn't practiced it. Her friend is bringing cones tomorrow as well, so she can practice that in the back parking lot. She needs to have her license so she can start training on the 23rd. My husband is not driving her across town so she can get this job (though he'll probably cave in so we can get her out of the house). She's bummed enough rides for the past three years.

Ate Mexican food and now my stomach hurts.

I may have to put off EMDR until my daughter moves out, but I'll talk to trauma T about it. I don't know how long she wants me to see her, but the way she's acting it doesn't seem very long.

I'm so tired but I've been stressed out all day so no naps.

[Pookyl]

Mood bouncing around. I feel like a ball on a ping pong machine.

[yellow_fleurs]

Today I felt okay for the first half of the day, and excited about accepting a new job. The second half I am feeling mostly just apathetic, bored, flat and a little depressed like why bother, but not really sad. I don't feel much of anything, and don't see the point. I am mildly irritable still. I hope this is just being somewhat depressed and more stable, and not what I am expected to feel like when euthymic. I can tolerate temporarily, but it doesn't feel good, and I don't imagine I want to stay on the Lamictal if this is it working. :/

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I saw my therapist for the last time until the 23rd today. I'm really nervous that I'll have problems while he is gone. I'm doing great and mostly am basing this on last July being really bad. Which was related to decreasing my clozaril last June and since the dose was increased a year ago I've been better and even really good the last several weeks. I've missed some appointments with him lately so I know it should be fine even from experience but I'll just be glad when it is over. My mom is away the same time which is a lot of the anxiety.

I'm really fed up with my pharmacy. To get clozapine refilled a copy of labs has to be sent from the pdoc to the pharmacy. This was done 2 weeks ago and the pharmacy apparently lost it. So my pdoc's office sent it again a week ago. They didn't fill the script and they also didn't call me so I have no idea why. In theory I think the lab can only be a week old when the refill is done but they've never actually enforced that rule before and I can't do anything about their rules when I am not told there is a problem. The first 18 months on clozapine I had few problems with the pharmacy. The last 20 months they keep messing up. I probably will be getting more blood drawn tomorrow at the lab I don't like.

I'm feeling overwhelmed tonight. Hopefully I'll get to sleep soon.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I saw my therapist for the last time until the 23rd today. I'm really nervous that I'll have problems while he is gone. I'm doing great and mostly am basing this on last July being really bad. Which was related to decreasing my clozaril last June and since the dose was increased a year ago I've been better and even really good the last several weeks. I've missed some appointments with him lately so I know it should be fine even from experience but I'll just be glad when it is over. My mom is away the same time which is a lot of the anxiety.

I'm really fed up with my pharmacy. To get clozapine refilled a copy of labs has to be sent from the pdoc to the pharmacy. This was done 2 weeks ago and the pharmacy apparently lost it. So my pdoc's office sent it again a week ago. They didn't fill the script and they also didn't call me so I have no idea why. In theory I think the lab can only be a week old when the refill is done but they've never actually enforced that rule before and I can't do anything about their rules when I am not told there is a problem. The first 18 months on clozapine I had few problems with the pharmacy. The last 20 months they keep messing up. I probably will be getting more blood drawn tomorrow at the lab I don't like.

I'm feeling overwhelmed tonight. Hopefully I'll get to sleep soon.

(((((( BeyondtheRainbow ))))))

Thinking of you.
Hoping you have a peaceful night.


WC

ditto the post I posted yesterday

nothing happened within 24 hours apart from dropping a plate on the floor

oo what a fun week. lol

[Blueberrybook]

I'm here, still on the hypo side, sleeping OK though. I jogged over 8 miles this morning and walked a couple more. By the time I got home, my clothes were drenched, like they had been washed in the washing machine with no rinse cycle. Definitely overdid it, plus I think a few of these meds I'm on have warnings not to get to hot or have too much sun, but I can't remember which ones. I went early, so the sun wasn't bad, but the humidity here is just awful, just over 80%, ugh.

My daughter has her STEM camp again this afternoon. I take her, but the drive makes it not really worth it to come home during the 3 hours she is there. It's at a brand of the University of Houston (luckily the branch near NASA, not the main branch, which is both harder to drive to and in a bad neighborhood). So they've got free wi-fi and stuff. I tried to read my book club book there yesterday, couldn't concentrate.

I have an awful pounding headache this morning. I took Tylenol but it didn't help; I can't have NSAIDs any more.

[Miss Laura]

Feeling quite good... st ill a little depressed but doing good overall. Saw my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) today normally my appts were 30 mins they are now an hour weird. I'm not seeing her for 5 weeks now as I seeing Psych 6th Aug. I'm still struggling with sever anxiety and panic attacks and also sleep. But I really can't complain can I. Seeing my Community Support Worker tomorrow so see what she says. I see her weekly and monthly for my CPN and twice a year for Psych. The only thing wrong is my Community Worker needs to see me outside so we meet for lunch but the hour flies by.

Clearing out clothes today well kinda. Then meeting my sister for dinner. After she finishes work in an hour's time.

I feel like crying. I couldn't find the right words at my pain management appointment.

He probably thinks I'm a junkie.

I know. I shall commence self medicating with a plant that's never killed anyone, yet tobacco live on...

Brb unless I get sleepy, hopefully sleep at least 6 hours.

Can't go on with 2 hours a day...

Originally Posted by 2ISAB

I feel like crying. I couldn't find the right words at my pain management appointment.

He probably thinks I'm a junkie.

I know. I shall commence self medicating with a plant that's never killed anyone, yet tobacco live on...

Brb unless I get sleepy, hopefully sleep at least 6 hours.

Can't go on with 2 hours a day...

Sorry he thinks you're a junkie. I don't blame you on the weed, if the pain is that bad. Though I think you can take high doses of ibuprofen, with the permission of your doc. For example, I took a pretty high dose of ibuprofen when I had my wisdom teeth out since vicoprofen nearly made me vomit.

I wrote my congressman again. I'll keep writing to him and writing to him to let him know what I feel is right. Writing is the most I can do at this stage. I'm not up to holding a sign in Washington, DC at this point, but doing nothing to protect what I believe in would be far more painful.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by 2ISAB

I feel like crying. I couldn't find the right words at my pain management appointment.

He probably thinks I'm a junkie.

I know. I shall commence self medicating with a plant that's never killed anyone, yet tobacco live on...

Brb unless I get sleepy, hopefully sleep at least 6 hours.

Can't go on with 2 hours a day...

Ugh...I am sorry about that. Sometimes, I feel like the doctors view me that way too, especially doctors I am not well established with. They sent me home from the hospital with 10 pain pills after extremely major surgery, and then when I called back saying I needed more, acted like I was an addict or something, until thank God, the consulting gastroenterologist stepped in and said, yes, these are addicting pills but this surgery was very traumatic and painful and would take months to heal from (luckily, the trauma surgeons had consulted one of the highest rated gastroenterologists in the Houston area). I don’t know what I would have done if I had been stuck with the uncaring NP at the trauma surgeons’ office or if I’d had a bad gastroenterologist.

It happens too with rheumatologists since I have fibromyalgia, which can be so painful even water hitting my skin from the shower hurts. I had a wonderful rheumatologist, but she moved her practice to be closer to her family, and before I could start up with a new one, I ended up seeing NPs and other docs at my PCP’s practice while I was on the waiting list. (My PCP is good I have been seeing her since before I got married nearly 14 years ago, but it comes with a price tag...so many people want to see her, it is hard to get an appointment with her in a timely manner).

[Blueberrybook]

Ugh, so stressed and panicked this afternoon, I took 2 extra Klonopin. I have built up something of a tolerance to it, I think. Pdoc wants to change it to extended release Xanax.

My morning went OK until I decided to do my daughter’s returning student registration via the “easy” online system. The emphasis on the ease of it should have alerted me right away to stay away from it and bite the bullet and fill out the zillions of papers they hand out on school supply drop-off day. At one point, I had to call the school with a question. They were clueless and told me to call the district. I had to go over it again and again, with about 4 transfers on the phone to different people, the final one telling me she thought her answer was correct but wasn’t sure, oh but don’t worry, 9 times out of 10, the system won’t do the final submission anyway, and you will have to call the technical help number at the bottom of the email sent out to all the parents...yep. I had to call technical support. It was going on 3 hours on this “easy” submission, my daughter was still asleep and had camp starting at noon. We had to eat lunch and leave home by 11:30 not to be late...my daughter dawdled when we didn’t have time for it then grew upset driving to the camp when she realized she was going to be late, which I had been telling her repeatedly. I was so stressed out and panicky after I dropped her off. I felt like I couldn’t breathe; my heart was racing. I took my prescribed Klonopin, and it did nothing, so I took 2 more pills of it (bad, I know). I am supposed to try to stick to hydroxyzine in these situations, but it makes me sleepy, and I have to drive my daughter home from this camp without wreck8ng the car. Self-medicating is bad, I know, but sigh...the whole situation had me off balance, unable to calm down or catch a breath for over 30 minutes (and I don’t have asthma or breathing problems). Still unsure if I will mention the hypomania to the pdoc when I see him on Thursday, but I will let him know about this. I am bad at self-medicating when things in my life get me flustered or are going badly. If the hypo is worse, he will probably notice anyway. For some reason, it is very obvious in my speech patterns, even when I try to control it.