[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by cln1812

Praying for better sleep tonight.

Hope you and your daughter both sleep well.

[Moose72]

Looked through the last few days of posts here and took notes for when i talk with pdoc. Shes calling me back.

[Sunflower123]

I think I’m dealing with the transition of my daughter leaving pretty good during the day but I’m not sleeping well at night and it’s catching up with me. It’s like I have the emotional flu if that makes sense...irritable, depressed, anxious, negative and don’t want to be talked to or bother with anything. Disheartening.

I am doing as my pdoc advised and moving on with my life. I have been active and out of the house every day but for the past day or so. It’s just hard. I don’t even want to move for any reason.

Sending hugs to those that are struggling.

feeling quite triggered today.

watched a sceen on a tv programme I didn't expect- and it was very very sad

I want to just curl up and cry... what a sad situation to have to watch

can't curl up though as I am still unable to sleep

still

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I think I’m dealing with the transition of my daughter leaving pretty good during the day but I’m not sleeping well at night and it’s catching up with me. It’s like I have the emotional flu if that makes sense...irritable, depressed, anxious, negative and don’t want to be talked to or bother with anything. Disheartening.

I am doing as my pdoc advised and moving on with my life. I have been active and out of the house every day but for the past day or so. It’s just hard. I don’t even want to move for any reason.

Sending hugs to those that are struggling.

It can be so difficult to push through the inertia.
Thinking of you.

WC

my throat's been hurting too since yesterday evening.

their's nothing wrong with my voice, so I'm not too concerned (though I was at the time), as it came on quite sudden.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

feeling quite triggered today.

watched a sceen on a tv programme I didn't expect- and it was very very sad

I want to just curl up and cry... what a sad situation to have to watch

can't curl up though as I am still unable to sleep

still

I am sorry you are feeling triggered.
I am cautious around television for that same reason.
Please take good care of yourself.

WC

[Daonnachd]

Didn't sleep well. My mother is in the hospital for some sort of mass in her lung.


Today I see my T. We're going to be working on a WRAP.

[Miss Laura]

Been up nearly 7 hours and I gave spent 7 hours anxious. Nothing is helping with it. I've been busying myself like house work but that's not helping, done a few games on my phone not helping, relaxation music not helping, counting and breathing not helping. I can't take anything as I'm not prescribed a PRN. Hate when this happens. I need to go out in under an hour ahhh!

[dsmith]

Hello all.

I am trying to see the glass half full.

Good news since my last post: I landed a job earlier this month. It felt great to send updates to my friends, and come out from "hiding" after 7 months of a "sabbatical," "finding myself," "funemployment," or whatever you want to call it.

Then reality set in.

I am still grateful that I found this job. However, there are a few concerns:

Knowledge, experience, and interest. The subject is all esoteric, and completely foreign to me. My colleague (the founder of the co.) is absolutely brilliant, and has lived and breathed this technology for the last 7 years. He's understanding of the fact that this is relatively new to me, and that I can't go out and sell this stuff right off the bat. So far he seems to be ok with my performance, and maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills. That said, I also have very limited interest in this area. I know these technologies are "hot," and get a lot of press. However, (as with most things aside from surfing the Web, staying on social media), none of it excites me. This apathy comes across when I meet with people: they can tell immediately that I'm going through the motions. I come off as an insurance salesman, randomly throwing off product names and a canned list of benefits, without truly believing in it.

Lack of structure. Like most people with bipolar disorder, I need structure in my life. One advantage is that the job is entirely remote. Sometimes I have to drive to meet with my colleague, or with clients / prospects. However, it's not like my previous job where I had to sit in an office for 8 hours and spend my whole day trying frantically to look busy (i.e., keeping a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet open on one screen while surfing the Web and sitting on Facebook / Twitter on the other). The downside is that I don't have specific goals or deadlines I need to hit. I am terrible at setting goals and making plans. Everything that is new seems appealing to me. This is why I keep starting tasks and then abandoning them; there's the instant gratification of something new, which gets boring after a while.

Lack of memory. It's fairly well documented that people with Bipolar struggle with retention of information, and suffer from memory loss. This is the most FRUSTRATING thing: I spend hours and hours researching these foreign topics (i.e., technology, sales, product management) to no avail. It's in one eye and out the other. I also suffer from hypergraphia - the compulsion to write down everything.

Often times I'll end up practically rewriting an article I've read. At the time it's reassuring; however, it takes way too long, and later on the notes make no sense. I have to reread the notes, re-read the article, and even then I don't retain the information.

Anxiety. Because of the lack of structure, I constantly wonder if I'm focusing on the right thing: researching the focus of the firm? setting up appointments with prospects? augmenting my skillset in creating presentations / business development / product management. I'm good at starting tasks, but rarely see them to completion. Today, for instance, I've started researching 3 topics, and have abandoned them to look up things like "social media addiction," "getting more productive," and coping with bipolar (which led me to this forum).

Also, the anxiety makes it hard to focus in meetings; I nod repeatedly, in a concerted effort to absorb the information that is being directed my way. However, unless I write everything down, it's completely out the window.

Depression -> lack of productivity. It's such a struggle for me to get up in the morning. I prefer lying in bed until 7:30am, and don't really start getting productive until 10. Even then, I'm yawning and feeling guilt. I am slowly tapering off my consumption of alcohol, but sugar, social media, and television have me in a stranglehold. As a result, when I get up in the morning I'm truly exhausted.

Lack of compensation. There is no fixed salary for the position. I earn a commission on any business I bring in, but am nowhere near closing (or even starting) a sale. The firm is bootstrapped, meaning that it's funded entirely by the owner without any outside funding / investment. For various reasons, the company's piggy bank is running very light these days, and he can barely afford to pay himself. For now, we (fortunately) have the means to survive for a little bit without a steady paycheck. That said, it's frustrating to be floundering without any income coming in. I often look back at my last job. It was well below my experience and education (a BA, MS, and MBA, all from top schools), bored me to tears, and led to feelings of depression because I didn't fit in, and didn't connect with any of my colleagues or superiors. However - it was a steady paycheck. My family and I didn't have to scramble around every week, to keep up with the bills.

All things equal, things are good; I'm learning (or trying to learn, at least) new things, getting back out there, and staying occupied. Prior to July 3rd, I spent most of my time frantically searching for jobs that were well below my experience of 20 years. Anything overly demanding would have brought on stress - which is clear from the current state of affairs. There was next to no response to any of my efforts, and the minimal activity was mostly a stream of "thanks but no thanks."

Anyways, I'll try to stay positive. Thanks for the opportunity to vent - feels good to get my thoughts on paper and try to move on. The glass still looks to be close to empty, but appears to be slowly filling up.
I wish you all the best - have a great week.

[liveforsummer]

Hi everyone
I know I haven’t posted much the last couple months. I do think of everyone here and the struggles everyone faces and am encouraged by your accomplishments as well.

[yellow_fleurs]

For some reason feeling more depressed after talking to my pdoc. He took me pretty seriously, and agreed we can lower the dose of Lamotrigine if I want, but he really doesn't think it could be from this, and I am worried I will become more unstable either way I go with this med. It also leaves me more confused as I was hoping he would recognize my reaction as something he had seen, but he seemed perplexed. I couldn't decide if I should increase or decrease so hope I made the right choice. I hate gambling with my mental health and feel hopeless. I will go off it after 7 days at 50 mg then be off it for 10 days before seeing him again so we have more of a baseline then. It is hard to experience this and then tell your pdoc and just sum it up into a 2 minute conversation like it's no big deal when it has been consuming your life. I guess I have been telling him for long enough about these thoughts that he is not overly concerned, but for me they are a struggle every day.

[*Laurie*]

Cancelled another appointment with my therapist. I feel guilty about feeling so relieved. I am tremendously grateful to be stable on meds and to be able to make use of tools from therapy of years past. I just don't want to lose hours of my day to spend time with the therapist when I really don't have anything to talk about.

[Blueberrybook]

Spent the morning doing job resumes.

I did't exercise this morning, and that has made me anxious. I know a break from a couple days a week it is good, but still...

I got my daughter up at 9:30 even though I think she would have slept to noon. I need to work on her waking at 7:15, so she can get to school on time. At least, I got better sleep last night; I needed it. Lack of sleep usually sends my bipolar the other direction, usually hypomania/mania, and make my panic attacks more frequent and worse.

[Moose72]

Update:

My pnurse talked to her boss (pdoc). Decided a few things.

Pnurse called me back. I told her everything in my notes- anxiety attacks, tattoo, migraines, wanting sex and feeling anxious over not getting it. Her response: "You're heading into mania... Up your Seroquel to 300..... Lithium can stay the same.... Trileptal keep the same.... Check in tomorrow.... And cancel that tattoo thing!"

Im dancing to music that doesnt exist here at starbucks- bopping around, bouncing, up and down, back and forth, saying silly stuff.... Can't help myself."

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by cln1812

Spent the morning doing job resumes.

I did't exercise this morning, and that has made me anxious. I know a break from a couple days a week it is good, but still...

I got my daughter up at 9:30 even though I think she would have slept to noon. I need to work on her waking at 7:15, so she can get to school on time. At least, I got better sleep last night; I needed it. Lack of sleep usually sends my bipolar the other direction, usually hypomania/mania, and make my panic attacks more frequent and worse.

Glad you got some sleep!

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

Been up nearly 7 hours and I gave spent 7 hours anxious. Nothing is helping with it. I've been busying myself like house work but that's not helping, done a few games on my phone not helping, relaxation music not helping, counting and breathing not helping. I can't take anything as I'm not prescribed a PRN. Hate when this happens. I need to go out in under an hour ahhh!

Sorry you are experiencing this. It is so tough when anxiety gets out of control. I hope it doesn't last too long. <3

[yellow_fleurs]

Made plans to hang with friends the next two nights. Trying to not isolate myself. Playing all my cards haha.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Update:

My pnurse talked to her boss (pdoc). Decided a few things.

Pnurse called me back. I told her everything in my notes- anxiety attacks, tattoo, migraines, wanting sex and feeling anxious over not getting it. Her response: "You're heading into mania... Up your Seroquel to 300..... Lithium can stay the same.... Trileptal keep the same.... Check in tomorrow.... And cancel that tattoo thing!"

Im dancing to music that doesnt exist here at starbucks- bopping around, bouncing, up and down, back and forth, saying silly stuff.... Can't help myself."

I agree with everything...but don't understand the "tattoo thing". What's that about?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

I agree with everything...but don't understand the "tattoo thing". What's that about?

I scheduled a tattoo with a guy last week. Its a 4 hour block for a very large tattoo of two naked people having sex inside an anatomical heart. Supposed to be him and me.

[Unrigged64072835]

Looks like I came down with a cold. Trying to take it easy. My husband may be coming down with it too.

I moved my desktop into the living room. Got an old monitor from my husband and the computer is fine. I won't look into a new monitor until the house repairs are done. I don't want to chance wrecking a new monitor. Sprayed no-chew spray on my cables so my cat won't eat them. Will see how this goes.

My daughter has two tests: today and tomorrow. If she passes them she can start working. I hope so because my husband will only have to make one trip instead of two until she gets her license. Still waiting for the online driving course certificate before she can schedule another driver's test. She finally has all the furniture put together for the apartment and her cat is now comfortable in the space. Our cat is still nervous but getting better.

Have the carpet cleaners scheduled to take care of the upper areas and stairs. Once that's dry I can clear out the sunroom for the ceiling guy to repair.

Right now, though, I need to rest.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks it lasted 8 hours badly but a further 2 hours mild it's literally stopped. I think it's cause I bite the bullet and emailed a counsellor and I see her next Tues. I have never done anything like that before

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

I agree with everything...but don't understand the "tattoo thing". What's that about?

[Wild Coyote]

Anniversary of major loss today.
Just trying to get through the day.
Thank you so much for your compassion and support.

WC

[Scooter9]

Picked up my lithium refill today and the pharmacy changed the brand from "apo" to "pms". They didn't even say anything. I have a few days of the "apo" lithium left over so I'll mix that with the "pms" one so I'll eventually be switched over to it by the time the "apo" is done.

I have been reading online that there's not much difference between them as far as lithium goes so it might not be a big deal.

I'm missing my eldest son today - he left in January to work in another country but was back for a visit a 5 weeks ago for a couple of weeks. Doesn't help that I'm feeling low.

I was busy today running errands and getting a few things done, but I'm so tired. Could be the increased dose of Latuda.

The combination I'm on doesn't seem to be working to lift my depression. I'm waiting for an appointment with the MDPU (Mood Disorders Psychopharmacology Unit) of a well-known research and teaching hospital here, so no med changes until then. It could be a month or two wait.

[Blueberrybook]

Had a busy day today. My husband is a teacher and off for the summer, but they are sending him to teacher training this week from today until Friday. Today, he is also meeting with someone he has some partial shares in a startup company with. He's in 2 of them, very different things. I hope he is meeting with the company from India because after 10 years, they are starting to do well, get featured a lot of places, even won a contest for startups sponsored by Dow Chemical. My husband consults becaus they built a nanotube reactor (basically makes nanotubes) off my husband's graduate thesis, so they consult him about problems and he has company shares. They had to tweak some things, and it is making the nanotubes produced come out very with very little contamination, super pure (not 100% free of contaminants but better than what is out there) unlike most other nanotubes produced. I really hope & pray this company will be able to start paying for my husband's consulting (mostly via email but sometimes they are in the U.S. at conferences or visiting family, and they will usually then make the trip out to Houston. They are starting to get a lot of rave reviews in business magazines in India. They are still struggling with getting enough financial backingI hope it pays off; the owner is a good guy; I don't think he will cheat my hsubad, we've all met him several times. My husband has had to spend a lot of time with emails consulting, and it is difficult when he cannot be there himself to see the problem.

Anyway, my husband's Jeep wouldn't start this morning, so he took my car to the training (it was a mandatory training). I called out AAA, got a new battery (of course, just missing the warranty, so we had to pay for it), but they said the alternator was bad, and the battery wouldn't last long without getting the alternator fixed. So I drove the car to the auto shop I suspect we keep in business with all our car problems, and yes, it needed an alternator.

Luckily, they got it fixed this afternoon, and the rain we'd had around lunchtime had stopped. This auto place takes approximately 10 minutes to walk to, so I walked there and bailed out the Jeep. I am disappointed to hear that they are relocating; it's been convenient having them so close. We'll probably still keep using them though because they are not re-locating that far away, out of walking distance unfortunately though. It's nice to support a small local business, and they are honest and don't overcharge for everything.

My daughter's junky room is driving my nuts. I practically trip over toys just hanging clothes in her closet. We need to get to her closet, so I can weed out the outgrown clothes or the dresses that fit but would be inappropriate for Jumping Jacks during P.E. I finally decided we are going to clean in there 15 minutes every day, set a timer. It went OK today, but I know it will not go OK when she has to get rid of stuff. She HATES change. I keep telling her if she can get her room organized and some of her toys out of my office, we can get her a desk and her own computer. (My husband and I have been talking about this for months, what with her love of coding, CAD computer programs, other computer drawing programs, writing and illustrating books on the computer. She is on his computer so much, it is inconvenient for him because sometimes he needs to use it. She prefers his computer to mine because of all the CAD and drawing/scanning stuff he has on his. We have 3 places we can put it (or my husband would have to run more ethernet down since this house was built in the 1960s, and the internet was pretty much like science fiction. Running the ethernet down was awful the first time around): my office (have to get rid of toys), the living room (again, get rid of toys), or the garage (it's very large, attached to our house; we treat it pretty much like an extra room to the house). A very old computer is in there, but there is an ethernet connection. I pray she wants a computer badly enough to do this. We can't afford the full cost, but I think my mom and aunt might help. Plus, my husband buys most computer things refurbished from reliable companies to cut down on the cost.